2013 Season Preview: Chicago Cubs



  1. CF Dave Is The Jesus
  2. SS Star Link Astro
  3. 1B And Toe Near Is O.
  4. LF Al Fondle So Sore I Owe No
  5. RF N.H. Ear Holds
  6. 3B Lue Ease Valve Bueno/Joe Shvitters
  7. C Wheeling Town Cast Hill Oh
  8. 2B Dar Windbar Knee


  1. .gif Sam Marge Ah
  2. Ed Windex Son
  3. Scoot Fooled Moon
  4. Trap His Wood
  5. Carl Oval New Ava

CLOSER: Carl Owes Marmalade



Gave Edwin long deal.

The beginning of Theo.

World Series? Good joke.



Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Starlin  Castro

  • He’s just so loose at the plate, with unbelievable bat control to go along with unmatched defensive focus and

…..okay maybe a bit of #slack in the field, but in general, Starlin is awesome. The first player born in the 1990’s to reach the big leagues, Castro is shortstop with a near elite hit tool at the hilariously young age of 23. And yay, the Cubs did something right.


State of the Farm:

  • This system’s positional prospects rank up there with the best in baseball. Javier Baez is a possible shortstop with terrifying bat speed. While his approach needs refining, his bat speed alone could slay dragons of the highest regard. Albert Almora is one of the most polished centerfielders in the minors. He’s a relatively low risk prospect and has well above average makeup unlike our friend here. The completely unaltered photo above successfully portrays all that is Dan Vogelbach, the “250 lb” first base prospect with enormous raw power and surprisingly impressive hit tool. Vogelbach will have to keep hitting if he wants to even sniff the big leagues, especially being on a National League team where he can’t DH. Cuban Jorge Soler is another high-ceiling outfielder that could be years away. The main problem in this system is that the majority of the high ceiling pitching has been injured at one point or another, leaving a lot to be desired in terms of upper minors pitching depth. Overall, it’s a system with some truly exciting talent that should help the Cubs contend for not winning the World Series again as soon as 2015. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Jesus Baldayaque
  • RHP Greyfer Eregua
  • RHP Harrinson Bermudez
  • RHP Jasvir Rakkar
  • RHP Yeiper Castillo
  • 1B Rock Shoulders
  • 2B Varonex Cuevas
  • 2B Gioskar Amaya
  • SS Arismendy Alcantara
  • SS Junior Lake
  • OF Shamil Ubiera
  • OF Yasiel Balaguert
  • OF Izaac Garsez
  • OF Bijan Rademacher
  • OF Taiwan Easterling
  • OF Matt Szczur
  • OF Johermyn Chavez

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Dan Vogelbach’s Bat Flip



  • Brett Jackson develops an allergy to Ivy.
  • Ozzie Guillen comes out and tells the media how much he loves and respects Starlin Castro.
  • Theo Epstein trades for the entire 2004 Red Sox roster. Kevin Millar wins MVP and 95 year old Tim Wakefield wins the Cy Young.
  • The Chicago Cubs don’t win the 2013 World Series.

One comment on “2013 Season Preview: Chicago Cubs

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