2013 Season Preview: Boston Red Sux

JERNER GERRMS

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF Jacob Bells Berry
  2. LF Shame Vic Turino
  3. 2B Just Imp Head Royal
  4. 1B My Kidnap Holy
  5. 3B Whelm Hiddle Books
  6. DH JERNER GERMS
  7. C Jarred Salt Holla-Back Ia
  8. RF Jack E./ Brad Lee
  9. SS Hose Hay E. Glazes

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Tron Molester
  2. K. Buttholes
  3. Rain Dumpster
  4. Feel Licks Doobie Rant
  5. Gone Licky

CLOSER: Joe L. Hand Trahan

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Signed a few old guys.

Wow, here comes Jackie Bradley.

Fenway: still a dump.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: JERNER GERRMS.

Jonny Gomes is not a particularly talented athlete. What does Jonny Gomes bring to the table you may ask? Gomes proves that one can be both crazy and a good dude. He once ignored symptoms for a heart attack for 27 hours before checking into a hospital. He does a ton of charity work for the Tampa Bay area. Oh and he dresses like a (insert positive noun/adjective here).

***

State of the Farm:

  • Xander Bogaerts is a Dutch shortstop with power. There is nothing wrong with any of that. The guy has the potential to crush 30 bombs at the major league level from a premium position. Center fielder Jackie Bradley Jr. was a nice prospect coming into the year, but had an insane spring training and broke camp with the team. He has elite defensive instincts to go with an extremely advanced approach at the plate which allowed him to bat 1.000 in the Grapefruit League, approximately. Matt Barnes and Allen Webster are both premium right handed arms, the latter of which came over from the Dodgers in the absurdly huge Adrian Gonzalez/Josh Beckett/Carl Crawford deal. Webster’s stock has improved tremendously this spring, showing even better stuff and increased velocity from the end of the 2012 season. Lefty/derpy Henry Owens did something completely insane this spring, striking out ALL the batters in an intrasquad game. He shows a potential plus curveball with impressive velocity from the left side. Jose Iglesias is a magical freak when it comes to defense, with no offense to be found in the stick. But he can do things. Special things. See below. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Sully Bonnelly
  • RHP Wildyn Florian
  • RHP Enfember Martinez
  • RHP Edinxon Pacheco
  • RHP Yankory Pimentel
  • RHP Noe Ramirez
  • C Beau Bishop
  • 1B Boss Moanaroa
  • 2B Mookie Betts
  • 3B Kolbrin Vitek
  • SS Cleuluis Rondon
  • SS Heiker Meneses
  • SS Xander Bogaerts
  • OF Shaq Thompson
  • OF Iseha Conklin
  • OF Gregori Titts

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over (Oh My God Jose Iglesias Edition):

***

Predictions: 

  • Jackie Bradley becomes allergic to Boston and is traded to ESPN for Nomar Garciaparra. 
  • The Red Sox finally change their name to the grammatically correct Red Socks.
  • Bobby Valentine watches every game from the upper deck disguised as a fat Bostonian.
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