2013 Season Preview: BLOLtimore Orioles

Dudeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. RF Enigma Cake Is
  2. LF Nay T-Mac Louse 
  3. CF A Damn Joan’s
  4. C My Tweeters
  5. 1B Christavis
  6. SS J. Jarred E.
  7. DH Knoll and Dry Mold
  8. 3B Man Knee My Shadow
  9. 2B Brain Robbers

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Chase On Amble
  2. Weigh In Chin
  3. Mick Hell Gun Souls
  4. Jay Carry Eta
  5. Crystal Man

CLOSER: Gym Josh Shun and Paid Roast Trope

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

They brought back McLouth.

That’s about it. No, really.

Please bring up Bundy.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Nate McLouth

I guess we just don’t know why he’s still in the league. It’s hard to comprehend that the Orioles seriously can’t find another player to start in the outfield. McLouth certainly had his peak; he lead the league with 46 doubles in 2008 as a Pirate, and finished 27th in MVP voting! 27th! But in the end, I think we all can sympathize with the Yankees fan in the .gif below:

 

***

State of the Farm:

This is about as top heavy as it gets. They have what is probably the best tandem of arm in any system besides maybe Pittsburgh (Cole/Taillon) in Dylan Bundy and Kevin Gausman. They’ve got an infielder named Jonathan Schoop whose last name doesn’t actually rhyme with poop. They’ve got projectable lefty Eduardo Rodriguez and…that’s about it. Machado graduated early, so let’s just talk about Bundy and Gausman! Dylan Bundy is the best pitching prospect in the minor leagues. He has a near elite curveball, a plus-plus curveball which you will see below, a rapidly improving change-up and and 80 grade cutter that the Orioles aren’t even allowing him to throw. He has elite pitchability and a ridiculous feel for the craft at the tender age of 20. At Low-A Delmarva, he struck out 40 batters over 30 innings, while only allowing 5 hits. 2 walks and zero runs. Simply unfair. Bundy’s only knock is his size; he’s only 6″0. Gausman doesn’t have that problem. A projectable 6″4, Gausman combines ideal size with incredible stuff that has improved even since signing with the Orioles last summer out of LSU. A devastating change-up on the back of a fastball that he can run up to triple digits, Gausman has everything you want in a front-line starter. He also likes donuts. These two should front the BLOLtimore rotation for many years to come.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Yeizer Marrugo
  • RHP Janser Severino
  • C Dan Pellegrino
  • C Steel Russell
  • DH Paolo Pezzarossi
  • 2B Creede Simpson
  • 3B Ronarsy Ledesma
  • 3B Torsten Boss
  • 3B Zealous Wheeler
  • SS Jacniel Cabrera
  • SS Jonathan Schoop
  • SS Garabez Rosa
  • OF Oswill Lartiguez
  • OF L.J. Hoes
  • OF Rockny Martinez
  • OF Rochendrick Alexander

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over (ZOMG BUNDY’S CURVEBALL EDITION):

***

Predictions:

  • Brian Roberts hurts himself.
  • Mark Reynolds’ strikeouts count for the Orioles even though he’s gone.
  • Buck Showalter smiles.
  • L.J. hoes… and weeds his garden.
  • The Orioles are this year’s Orioles who were last year’s Diamondbacks who were this year’s A’s.

2013 Season Preview: St. Louis Cardinals

Twitter Loves the Cardinals…?

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF Jonge A.
  2. RF Carl O. Svelte Tron
  3. LF Mah Tall E. Day
  4. 1B Al N. Cray
  5. C Audi Air Mo Lina
  6. 3B Mah Tarp Enter
  7. 2B Dan Eldest Calzone
  8. SS Pee T’Coz Ma

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. A Damn Rain Right
  2. High Meager C. Ah
  3. Jay Caw Hest Book
  4. Lanslin
  5. Shell Beam Ill Her

CLOSER: Jay’s Son Moat

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Extended Wainwright.

Also Allen Craig…but why?

They don’t miss Pujols.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Pete Kozma

I’m just gonna leave this here…

***

State of the Farm:

It’s quite simply the best system in the game, and it’s not particularly close. They possess the best pure hitting prospect in the minors in Oscar Taveras. Oscar is a freak with a swing more violent than Bryce Harper and the ability to barrel up any ball even close to the strike zone. The plus raw power has started to show up in games too, making him a legit threat to win batting titles and hit 30 bombs in the near future. Keep Calm and Oscar On. On the pitching side, they’ve got ridiculous arms coming from every direction. Shelby Miller is ready to roll to start the year, with three plus pitches and the ideal body of a major league workhorse. Trevor Rosenthal throws 100 MPH and oh by the way, he can probably start. Carlos Martinez weighs 73 lbs but also throws 100 MPH because Cardinals. Michael Wacha was a steal for St. Louis at the 19th pick of the 2012 draft, and he should be ready to contribute sometime this year with his advanced feel for pitching and excellent change-up. They’re also loaded with high-ceiling lottery ticket arms like Tyrell Jenkins. Second baseman Kolten Wong is ready to hit now and should be replacing Daniel Descalso anyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy minute now. Oh and they also have two very impressive third base prospects in Carson Kelly and Patrick Wisdom because why the hell not? Mozeliak’s got a monster of a farm.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Samuel Tuivailala
  • RHP Fidencio Flores
  • RHP Norge Paredes
  • LHP Max Foody
  • LHP Iden Nazario
  • C Gerwuins Velazco
  • C Steve Bean
  • 1B Jem Argenal
  • 1B Xavier Scruggs
  • 2B Robelys Reyes
  • 2B Breyvic Valera
  • 2B Ildemaro Vargas
  • SS Leobaldo Pina
  • SS Kenneth Peoples-Walls
  • OF Dutch Deol
  • OF Bladimil Franco
  • OF Adron Chambers

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Oscar Taveras Swinging A Baseball Bat

***

Predictions:

  • Shelby Miller reveals to the world that Shelby is indeed a girl’s name and that he, Shelby Miller, is indeed a female.
  • Matt Adams eats something.
  • The dugout at Busch Stadium continues to wreak of Tony LaRussa’s buttsweat.
  • The Cardinals’ prospects come to the major league level to make major league impacts in a major league way. Major. League.

2013 Season Preview: CLOLorado Rockies

This is what Jordan looked like while watching the Rockies in 2012. 

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF Dex Turf Owl Her
  2. 2B D’ga Strut Ledge
  3. LF Carl O’Saigon Saul Ez
  4. SS Toy Tool O’Witzki
  5. RF My Caulk A Drier
  6. 1B Toe Dell Ton
  7. C Will In Row Sorry O
  8. 3B Kri Snell Son

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Yo Lease Joshin
  2. Whore Hay D. L. R. Hose Ah
  3. One Nische Asshole
  4. Jefrances
  5. Jong R Land

CLOSER: Rabbi L. Button Cord

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Just gets worse and worse.

Hired a high school coach? Wow.

Why, Jon Garland, why?

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Dexter Fowler

We all love athletic center fielders. Dexter, unlike Cameron Maybin, is actually starting to put it all together. And he switch hits. And his wife is super attractive. And he’s young. And he’s just a fun player to watch. Basically, go read our birthday post for him by clicking here.

***

State of the Farm:

Who is Nolan Arenado? Is he a regular? Is he an all-star? Is he dancer? If he can put together a good season, it doesn’t matter because the Rockies are going to suck regardless. David Dahl has a chance to be a stud, but he’s still years away. We’re just looking forward to repeating “Morning Glory, Trevor Story” over and over and over. Tyler Matzek has the stuff to be a #2 starter, but the command and control of a blind kindergartner. If he can find his control he could get back on the prospect radar, but he could just as easily never make the majors. Chad Bettis is a future reliever with plus-plus velocity, a nasty slider, and an 80 grade injury history. Rosell Herrera is a huge 20 year old switch-hitting “shortstop” with big power from the left side and a questionable defensive profile.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Johendi Jiminian
  • RHP Jhonriz Santana
  • RHP Huascar Brazoban
  • RHP Vianney Mayo
  • RHP Kurt Yacko
  • LHP Isaiah Froneberger
  • C Hamlet Marte
  • 1B Correlle Prime
  • 1B Kiel Roling
  • 3B Matt Argyropoulos
  • OF Raimel Tapia
  • OF Kyle Von TungeIn
  • OF Delta Cleary Jr.

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Chad Bettis’ Slider

***

Predictions:

  • In an attempt to revive the franchise, the Rockies undergo a name change and become the Colorado Purple-Nurples.
  • Coors Field gets its own Nickelodeon show titled Humadora the Explorer.
  • Due in part to the new Colorado law legalizing recreational marijuana, the Rockies lose over 110 games as no one on the team can remember where they put their glove. 

2013 Season Preview: Atlanta #BARVES

ALL the Racism

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. SS Anne Drell Towns Him Owns
  2. RF Jay-Z On Wayward
  3. LF Jizz Tin Uptown
  4. 1B Fret E. Flea Man
  5. CF Bee Dre Uptown
  6. C Brine Mackin’
  7. 2B Da Nuggler
  8. 3B Wand Fan Cisco

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Ti Mudson
  2. Christ Meddling
  3. My Camine R.
  4. Palm All Em
  5. Who Leo Tron

CLOSER: Cray Grimble

***

upton cubed

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

The Upton Brothers.

Unfortunately, no Kate.

But Juan Francisco!

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Andrelton Simmons/The Entire Outfield

  • Oh man oh man oh man, so much to love here. Andrelton is a CFB favorite for mostly indescribable reasons, but mainly it’s the fact that he’s the best defensive shortstop in the world already and oh by the way he’s from Curacao and yeah his name is ANDRELTON SIMMONS. 80 grade arm, 80 grade glove, 80 grade smile, 80 grade everything. We love him, and so should you. The 2013 #BARVES outfield is basically that custom team you make in MLB: The Show when you want all the awesome black players except it’s real. Two Uptons and 23 year old Jason Heyward create what is probably the best defensive outfield and the outfield with the highest offensive potential in the entire league. It’s awesome, and even if they under-perform, you’ll gonna wanna have your mlb.tv switched to the Atlanta game as much as possible.  

***

State of the Farm:

  • It’s amazing how little they gave up to get Justin Upton, but that’s not to say they had very much high end talent to give away to begin with. Julio Teheran has seemingly been the top right handed pitching prospect in the minors for years now, but he’s yet to yield exciting major league results. He’s still only 23, and if he can find a passable breaking ball, he can still develop into a number 2 starter at least. Mauricio Cabrera is the arm on the rise in this system, combining plus-plus heavy velocity with an advanced change-up and prototypical size. Christian Bethancourt is a catcher with arguably the best arm strength in the minors. The bat is lagging way behind the defensive wizardry, so he’s got some work to do. J.R. Graham is an undersized righty with a big arsenal and a surprising potential to stick in a rotation despite what looks like a bullpen profile. He’s got a plus-plus fastball and a very good slider to go along with an improving change-up.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Magdiel Avendano
  • RHP Christian Barczykowski
  • RHP Ignacio Geronimo
  • RHP Wirfin Obispo
  • LHP Oriel Caicedo
  • LHP Dimasther Delgado
  • 3B Mike Dodig
  • 3B Juruengelo Tielman
  • OF Iosif Bernal
  • OF Nisandro Cleofa

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

***

Predictions:

  • Andrelton quits halfway through the season to pursue his destined career.
  • Usher writes a song about the entire Braves outfield.
  • Freddie Freeman finally get adopted by that perfect family he’s been waiting for.
  • The #BARVES win the wild card, but are disappointed to learn that it is useless in a game of Uno.

2013 Season Preview: Lo$ Angele$ Dodger$

$2,000,000,000 Smile

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. SS Hand Leroy Mirrors
  2. 2B Mar Kill Us
  3. CF Mack Hemp
  4. 1B Aid Ree Angle Saul Is
  5. RF Hand Ray Ether
  6. LF Kyle Cough Turd
  7. 3B Loose Crews
  8. C A Jealous

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Clay Tanker Shaw
  2. Zag Cranky
  3. Ja Sha’beck It
  4. Injun Rue
  5. Risk A Poo No

CLOSER: Brain Donnelley Guh

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Infinite money.

At least, so far. Who is Puig?

He’s not Bo Jackson.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Matt Kemp

  • His beard is perfectly trimmed. His website stylish and innovative. And while his injuries can be crippling, his all around game is absolutely breath taking. He defines the term #newpants. He single handedly stole the show during Bryce Harper’s debut with the most predictable walk-off home run of all time. Matt Kemp has been, is, and always will be a sexy sexy man.

***

State of the Farm:

  • The Dodgers have a really expensive enormous Cuban named Yasiel Puig who has already earned ludicrous comparisons to Bo Jackson. It’s a lot to dream on, but he’s already shown an ability to hit far beyond what most scouts were expecting from him right outta the gate. RHP Zach Lee could be prepping for the NFL right now, but the Dodger$ gave him 5 million to sign away from the LSU football team and now he’s their top arm. Corey Seager, Kyle’s younger brother, has a lot of offensive potential from a yet to be determined position that most likely won’t be shortstop. The rest of the top tier of this system is a bunch of arms that throw hard and have a lot of refining to do when it comes to their secondary offerings. It’s a middling system with a few upside plays and a lot of role 5 level talent. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Edinson Bock
  • RHP Wascar Teodo
  • RHP Jharel Cotton
  • RHP Ralston Cash
  • RHP Arismendy Ozoria
  • LHP Onelki Garcia
  • DH Arce Rodriguez
  • 1B O’Koyea Dickson
  • 2B Delvis Morales
  • 2B Jorlin Chales
  • SS Faustino Oguisten
  • OF Jorky Infante
  • OF Abinaer Soriano
  • OF Rutinel Sosa
  • OF Yasiel Puig

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over (Yasiel Puig Bat Flip Edition):

***

Predictions:

  • With so much money to blow, the Dodger$ hop into charity work and make a donation to the Tampa Bay Rays.
  • Instead of his usual choice of meat, Yoenis Cespedes roasts a Puig instead.
  • The Dodgers finish 2nd in the National League, 5th in the Brandon League, and last in the Justice League.

2013 Season Preview: Boston Red Sux

JERNER GERRMS

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF Jacob Bells Berry
  2. LF Shame Vic Turino
  3. 2B Just Imp Head Royal
  4. 1B My Kidnap Holy
  5. 3B Whelm Hiddle Books
  6. DH JERNER GERMS
  7. C Jarred Salt Holla-Back Ia
  8. RF Jack E./ Brad Lee
  9. SS Hose Hay E. Glazes

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Tron Molester
  2. K. Buttholes
  3. Rain Dumpster
  4. Feel Licks Doobie Rant
  5. Gone Licky

CLOSER: Joe L. Hand Trahan

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Signed a few old guys.

Wow, here comes Jackie Bradley.

Fenway: still a dump.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: JERNER GERRMS.

Jonny Gomes is not a particularly talented athlete. What does Jonny Gomes bring to the table you may ask? Gomes proves that one can be both crazy and a good dude. He once ignored symptoms for a heart attack for 27 hours before checking into a hospital. He does a ton of charity work for the Tampa Bay area. Oh and he dresses like a (insert positive noun/adjective here).

***

State of the Farm:

  • Xander Bogaerts is a Dutch shortstop with power. There is nothing wrong with any of that. The guy has the potential to crush 30 bombs at the major league level from a premium position. Center fielder Jackie Bradley Jr. was a nice prospect coming into the year, but had an insane spring training and broke camp with the team. He has elite defensive instincts to go with an extremely advanced approach at the plate which allowed him to bat 1.000 in the Grapefruit League, approximately. Matt Barnes and Allen Webster are both premium right handed arms, the latter of which came over from the Dodgers in the absurdly huge Adrian Gonzalez/Josh Beckett/Carl Crawford deal. Webster’s stock has improved tremendously this spring, showing even better stuff and increased velocity from the end of the 2012 season. Lefty/derpy Henry Owens did something completely insane this spring, striking out ALL the batters in an intrasquad game. He shows a potential plus curveball with impressive velocity from the left side. Jose Iglesias is a magical freak when it comes to defense, with no offense to be found in the stick. But he can do things. Special things. See below. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Sully Bonnelly
  • RHP Wildyn Florian
  • RHP Enfember Martinez
  • RHP Edinxon Pacheco
  • RHP Yankory Pimentel
  • RHP Noe Ramirez
  • C Beau Bishop
  • 1B Boss Moanaroa
  • 2B Mookie Betts
  • 3B Kolbrin Vitek
  • SS Cleuluis Rondon
  • SS Heiker Meneses
  • SS Xander Bogaerts
  • OF Shaq Thompson
  • OF Iseha Conklin
  • OF Gregori Titts

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over (Oh My God Jose Iglesias Edition):

***

Predictions: 

  • Jackie Bradley becomes allergic to Boston and is traded to ESPN for Nomar Garciaparra. 
  • The Red Sox finally change their name to the grammatically correct Red Socks.
  • Bobby Valentine watches every game from the upper deck disguised as a fat Bostonian.

2013 Season Preview: Chicago Cubs

1908

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF Dave Is The Jesus
  2. SS Star Link Astro
  3. 1B And Toe Near Is O.
  4. LF Al Fondle So Sore I Owe No
  5. RF N.H. Ear Holds
  6. 3B Lue Ease Valve Bueno/Joe Shvitters
  7. C Wheeling Town Cast Hill Oh
  8. 2B Dar Windbar Knee

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. .gif Sam Marge Ah
  2. Ed Windex Son
  3. Scoot Fooled Moon
  4. Trap His Wood
  5. Carl Oval New Ava

CLOSER: Carl Owes Marmalade

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Gave Edwin long deal.

The beginning of Theo.

World Series? Good joke.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Starlin  Castro

  • He’s just so loose at the plate, with unbelievable bat control to go along with unmatched defensive focus and

…..okay maybe a bit of #slack in the field, but in general, Starlin is awesome. The first player born in the 1990’s to reach the big leagues, Castro is shortstop with a near elite hit tool at the hilariously young age of 23. And yay, the Cubs did something right.

***

State of the Farm:

  • This system’s positional prospects rank up there with the best in baseball. Javier Baez is a possible shortstop with terrifying bat speed. While his approach needs refining, his bat speed alone could slay dragons of the highest regard. Albert Almora is one of the most polished centerfielders in the minors. He’s a relatively low risk prospect and has well above average makeup unlike our friend here. The completely unaltered photo above successfully portrays all that is Dan Vogelbach, the “250 lb” first base prospect with enormous raw power and surprisingly impressive hit tool. Vogelbach will have to keep hitting if he wants to even sniff the big leagues, especially being on a National League team where he can’t DH. Cuban Jorge Soler is another high-ceiling outfielder that could be years away. The main problem in this system is that the majority of the high ceiling pitching has been injured at one point or another, leaving a lot to be desired in terms of upper minors pitching depth. Overall, it’s a system with some truly exciting talent that should help the Cubs contend for not winning the World Series again as soon as 2015. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Jesus Baldayaque
  • RHP Greyfer Eregua
  • RHP Harrinson Bermudez
  • RHP Jasvir Rakkar
  • RHP Yeiper Castillo
  • 1B Rock Shoulders
  • 2B Varonex Cuevas
  • 2B Gioskar Amaya
  • SS Arismendy Alcantara
  • SS Junior Lake
  • OF Shamil Ubiera
  • OF Yasiel Balaguert
  • OF Izaac Garsez
  • OF Bijan Rademacher
  • OF Taiwan Easterling
  • OF Matt Szczur
  • OF Johermyn Chavez

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Dan Vogelbach’s Bat Flip

***

Predictions:

  • Brett Jackson develops an allergy to Ivy.
  • Ozzie Guillen comes out and tells the media how much he loves and respects Starlin Castro.
  • Theo Epstein trades for the entire 2004 Red Sox roster. Kevin Millar wins MVP and 95 year old Tim Wakefield wins the Cy Young.
  • The Chicago Cubs don’t win the 2013 World Series.

2013 Season Preview: New York Yankees

Reaction to looking at the Yankees Opening Day lineup

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF Bet Gardener
  2. RF Itchy Hoes Sues Sucky
  3. 2B Robin’s On Canoe
  4. 3B Kiev In You Kill Us
  5. DH Trap Us Haven Her
  6. LF Bread Hand Botch
  7. SS Ed Hard O’Noon Yes
  8. 1B Lier Hova Bay
  9. C Chrit Tewart

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. See Sea Say Bath Yah
  2. Herky Corrode
  3. And Heep Edit
  4. Vanonva
  5. Dave If Helps

CLOSER: Mary And Hoe Riviera

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Wow, everyone’s hurt.

Billions on the DL. Ouch.

Haha, no pity.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: The Entire Team

  • It’s old, expensive, and actually not even that talented anymore. It’s not sad in that anyone feels bad for them, it’s sad in that wow, this is an actual baseball team that is starting Chris Stewart behind the plate and giving Brennan Boesch regular at-bats. There are so many amazing things about Alex Rodriguez’ contract alone that can be mocked, but we won’t go there because oh wait Alex Rodriguez just made $57 that minute you were reading this. I wonder what he’s doing.

***

State of the Farm:

It’s a system that’s somewhere in the middle if you were to rank the organizations 1-30, but it’s not without some potential impact talent. Center fielder Mason Williams has shot up prospect lists in the last few years, combining near elite speed and defense with a surprising aptitude for hitting with an equally surprising amount of raw power. Gary Sanchez is the Yankees next potentially awesome offensive catcher after the Jesus Montero experiment was shipped to Seattle for them to deal with. Sanchez has a substantially better chance to stick at catcher than Montero ever did and has fantastic power potential. Rafael De Paula and Jose Ramirez are big right-handers with short track records and a ton of velocity. Slade Heathcott is a toolsy centerfielder with an extremely troubled past and questionable makeup to go along with it, but the hit tool is really starting to come around and could reach the Bronx by mid 2014.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • LHP Chaz Hebert
  • LHP Evan Rutckyj
  • LHP Rigoberto Arrebato
  • RHP Giovanny Gallegos
  • RHP Hershelon Juliana
  • RHP Kenedy Agramonte
  • RHP Chris Bootcheck
  • 1B Saxon Butler
  • OF Yeicok Calderon
  • OF Mikeson Oliberto
  • OF Freite Marte
  • OF Barfil Munoz
  • OF Wascar Rodriguez
  • OF Zoilo Almonte

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Mark Montgomery’s Slider

***

Predictions:

  • They all break.
  • Brett Gardner becomes a real gardner after getting bored with baseball. The man loves his petunias.
  • George Steinbrenner comes back from the grave to take the starting RF position.
  • The dynasty nears its end as the Ottomans take over Yankee Stadium.

2013 Season Preview: Detroit Tigers

They gave him all the moneys.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF A Stinge Hacks On
  2. RF Tree Hunter
  3. 3B Mick Hell Crab Era
  4. 1B P. Rinse Feel Her
  5. DH Evict Her Martini
  6. LF Anne D. Derps
  7. SS Shaw Neep Her Alter
  8. C Al Licks A Uvula
  9. 2B Hoe Marlin Font A.

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Juspin Derp Land Her
  2. On The Balls Hand Cheese
  3. Rich Porn Seller
  4. Dog Fister
  5. Mask Shirts Her

CLOSER: Kill Folk

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Hey, Torii Hunter.

Gave Justin ALL the moneys.

Still have no closer.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Max Scherzer

  • Not totally sure if it’s the fact that

………or if um well oh my god his eyes are terrifying. This mutation combined with an extremely violent delivery just make watching Max pitch an unpleasant experience to say the least.You gotta love the guy, and he’s had great success over the past few season while remaining healthy. But he scares us. And probably you too.

***

State of the Farm:

This is one of the worst systems in baseball. There isn’t much around that. 3B/OF Nick Castellanos is a fantastic hitting prospect who doesn’t care to wear batting gloves most of the time and put on an absolute show at the 2012 Futures Game. RHP Bruce Rondon is 300 pounds and throws insanely hard, sitting in the 98-100 range with ease, with not much clue of where it is going. The Tigers named him the Opening Day closer and then quickly realized that he wouldn’t be there on time for the game on account of fat. He should eventually develop into a dominant bullpen arm, but for now, it’s shaky. Outfielder Steven Moya is 6″7 with legit 80 grade raw power and not a whole lot of other baseball talents but if you want to see a 6″7 human being hit a baseball really far sometimes maybe, you should check out the Florida State League where Moya will be spending most if not all of his 2013 season.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • LHP Junior Camaripano
  • LHP Eudis Idrogo
  • LHP Vijandrick Jacobs
  • RHP Janry Obispo
  • RHP Adenson Verastegui
  • RHP Confesor Lara
  • RHP Yorfrank Lopez
  • RHP Montreal Robertson
  • RHP Warwick Saupold
  • C Arvicent Perez
  • 1B Juaner Aguasvivas
  • OF Jhosua Montero
  • OF D.J. Driggers

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Steven Moya Existing

***

Predictions:

  • The Tigers sell Bruce Rondon bobbleheads that don’t bobble because Bruce Rondon has too much neck fat.
  • Bobby Higginson comes back.
  • The Tigers win enough to make Detroit’s citizens forget that they live in Detroit.

2013 Season Preview: Cleveland Indians

$56,000,000 

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF My Kill Bored
  2. SS Ass Dribble Capybara
  3. 2B Jays Honk Penis
  4. RF Hair Gel
  5. C Carl O’Saint Hannah
  6. 1B Mar Cray Knolls
  7. LF My Kill Branchy
  8. 3B Low Knee Chisel Hall
  9. DH Drew’s Tubs

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Jace Tin Masters Hon
  2. Your Bald Hoe Jim Hands
  3. Breath Mayors
  4. Sack Mcrackalackinster
  5. Cots Cat Smear

CLOSER: Crisp Hairs

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Swisher? What a dick.

They robbed D-backs of Bauer.

Haha, Mark Reynolds.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Mark Reynolds

  • Mark Reynolds is still only 29 years old, but it feels like he’s been striking out in the major leagues at record rates for over a decade. He’s got some of the best raw power on the planet but oh my god did you see the pitch he just swung at ?! It seems almost daily that you find yourself watching the highlights of each game when BAM there’s Mark swinging right over a changeup or BAM there’s Mark fumbling a hard hit ball at third base. He’s a frustrating player in that you know he can do things like this, but then you remember he has LITERALLY STRUCK OUT OVER 1,000 TIMES IN ONLY 3,000 AT BATS. Oh, and he might be blind.

***

State of the Farm:

It’s pretty bad but like, Francisco Lindor Francisco Lindor Francisco Lindor Francisco Lindor. So it’s difficult to really trash this system. Francisco Lindor, if you haven’t heard, is a switch hitting shortstop with a near elite glove who has already made it to High-A at the tender age of 19. In one of the more lopsided trades of the offseason, the Indians acquired right-hander Trevor Bauer from the Diamondbacks. Bauer is a cerebral pitcher with a ridiculous collection of pitches that includes what he calls a REVERSE SLIDER. He is also incredibly entertaining on the Tweeterz. Other than Lindor, they’ve got some bullpen-bound arms in Danny Salazar and Cody Allen, and some intriguing but up-the-middle players in SS/2B Dorssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssys Paulino, 2B Ronny Rodriguez and CF Luigi Rodriguez. It’s a rather uninteresting system after the Magical Unicorn that is Lindor, and the potential frontline starter that they robbed from Arizona in Bauer.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Estevenson Encarnacion
  • RHP Michael Goodnight
  • RHP Antwonie Hubbard
  • 3B Giovanny Urshela
  • SS Dorssys Paulino
  • OF Fidias Soto
  • OF D’vone McClure
  • OF Delvi Cid

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Francisco Lindor Getting His High School Jersey Retired

***

Predictions:

  • Nick Swisher spends his entire contract on hair gel and tobacco
  • Mark Reynolds strikes out all of the times.
  • Terry Francona forgets that he isn’t managing the Red Sox anymore; throws at Mark Reynolds during batting practice.
  • The Tribe are finally punished for their horribly racist logo and are stampeded by an actual tribe of American Indians during their July series at Kansas City.