As Jordan correctly informed the internet universe, I have been hiking all week. 85 kilometers in 4 days puts a toll on the mind and the body. As I hiked with my schoolyard compatriots, I thought about which players of based ball might be fun to hike with. Who is going to show me a good time out in the wild outdoors?
Every camping trip needs a poopface with a guitar and oh boy, does Bronson fit the bill. With his corn rows glowing in the fire’s light, Bronson would play me into a literal frenzy. His music style is perfect for a never-ending night as the embers burn long after dark. As long as he doesn’t break out any of his own music, Bronson would be a great, but dicky asset to any camping trip.
So you’re traveling through a jungle and weeds surround you left and right. No clear path presents itself so the only option is to bushwhack. What better bushwacker in all of major league baseball than Brewers second baseman Rickie Weeks? With enough bat speed to feed a large family of Episcopalians, Weeks could be one hell of a point man for any hiking excursion. Imagine hiking behind Rickie Weeks. He clears the way for you and your pals and in return you get to stare at his butt all day long.
So on this camping trip…you’re going to have to eat, right? “Hey. Check out that plant. Is it poisonous?” “I don’t know. Jonny, you try it.” Boom. Breakfast. “Yo. Is that deer over there dead or is it still moving?” “Hey Jonny, go poke it with a stick.” Boom. Lunch. “Holy shit. A giant bear!!!!!!!!” “Jonny, go wrestle it.” Boom. Dinner. Jonny Gomes: Outdoor Caterer.
Because every hiking trip needs an ignorant racist.
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