Athletics vs. Brewers

Two weird teams played each other last night in Milwaukee, which is a city I always need spell-check for. The A’s won 5-1, but that wasn’t the most important moment of the game, not even close. Bartolo Colon is old and silly and slightly chubby, but none of those attributes explain what he is glaring at in the .gif above. What is it? CFB is going to try to unravel this mystery once and for all. We’ve narrowed it down to three possibilities:

1. He Was Looking For An Olive Garden

• As a pretty big dude, I’m sure Bartolo is always looking for a good meal. And nothing goes together like huge Dominican pitchers and Olive Garden. This was towards the end of a long start and he must have been absolutely ravenous. There isn’t an Olive Garden in Miller Park, but Bartolo must have known that so Bartolo’s gut might not have been the only endless thing on the menu last night.

2. Bernie the Brewer Took His Pants Off

• Every time the Brewers hit a home run in Miller Park, Bernie Brewer goes down his giant yellow slide. What many fans don’t know is that Bernie has a giant yellow slide of his own. Bernie could have dropped trou at the particular moment that Bartolo happened to glance over in his direction. This might explain why Bartolo was so transfixed on whatever he saw.

3. He Was Looking Into His Own Past

• Bartolo used to be a few pounds lighter and his fastball used to be a few ticks higher, so you can’t blame the guy if he was trying to rekindle some of his glory years by glancing into the past. His past defines him as his present clasps him down in the future. That last sentence meant nothing, but you read it anyway. Bartolo was probably just looking at some chick in the stands.

#CFB

Happy Whatever Day It Is.