#RIG Rankings, Number 5: Aroldis Chapman


#rig is more than just a metric or a scouting term or a joke. It’s way of life. It’s everything and nothing at the same time. Our dad Jason Parks described #rig as “#swagger only more penis specific.” We want to take his perfect idea and perfect it, which doesn’t make sense at all.

Coming in at number 5 on our rig rankings is Cincinnati Reds relief pitcher Aroldis Chapman. With a schlong like kong, he patrols the pitcher’s hump like a man on a mission, but not a Morman mission, a more-man mission.

Photo Evidence:

  • Take a closer look at the pictures below and you can see how baseball pants don’t do their job as much as they assist the #rig to explode and explore. Good thing the Cuban national team wore tight red pants. Chapman loses points for how hard I had to look to get these shots. If I google your name, pictures of your wang shebang should be right there waiting for me.
  • #RIGrade: 60

Screen Shot 2013-09-11 at 5.28.39 PM Screen Shot 2013-09-11 at 5.23.16 PM


  •  Aroldis did this:

  • If that’s not on field confidence please take me to your leader. He gets dinged for not doing this every single time he gets a save. He doesn’t have an arrow move like Rodney or a strip show like Soriano, but the summersault he did that one time was pretty pretty.
  • #RIGrade: 70

On-Field Performance

  • #RIGrade: 80


  • There is something socially poignant about Aroldis’ #rig. It has relevance to our particular day and age. It should act as a reminder to all baseball fans that athletes are on an entirely different physical scale. Let’s just leave you with this: The  Missle Crisis wasn’t the only thing on that Island that was Cuban, long, and potentially devastating.

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