ALEX RODRIGUEZ FAN FICTION

We were recording our weekly podcast segment with Lana earlier tonight and we started talking about if there were any A-Rod fan clubs. A Lana Berry google search and some internet tunneling later we found the greatest thing of all time.

This is a link to an A-Rod fan page written by someone named Angel that contains unreal “fun facts” about Alex like…Screen Shot 2015-04-09 at 9.36.55 PM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eventually we stumbled into some of Angel’s other works and we found the holy grail: A-Rod, Jeter, and Nomar fan fiction. You can tell it was written around 2003 because people are still paging each other instead of texting. The A-Rod ones are the best, but they’re all amazing. Here are some of the highlights:

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WHAT IS MORGAN FREEMAN DOING HERE

Screen Shot 2015-04-09 at 9.40.52 PMOf course A-Rod talks to his “sex organs”

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I WANT TO SMACK HIM THERE

Just read the whole thing people. Read it and love it.

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CFBBQ March Madness

Because I am a student-athlete and thus privy to all the rules and regulations of the NCAA, I am not allowed to gamble or wager on the NCAA basketball tournament in any way. This sucks a whole lot of butt. So instead of losing 20 dollars, I’ve decided to spread the love this year.

The winner of the CFBBQ pool will win a fitted CFBBQ hat and a guest appearance on the podcast. Second place gets a hat. Last place gets a free CFBBQ business card. Sucks.

There are three rules for the bracket. If your bracket does not follow these rules you are disqualified and thus ineligible for our lame prize:

  • You may not pick Kentucky to win a single game.
  • You must have a seed higher than 8 in your final four.
  • Your score for the championship game must be 169-69.

Here is the link for the CFBBQ March Madness bracket: http://games.espn.go.com/tournament-challenge-bracket/2015/en/group?groupID=797610

Happy Picking.

CFBBQ All-Purim Team

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The Jewish Holiday of Purim starts tonight and continues tomorrow. For those of you unfamiliar with the holiday it’s basically a Jewish version of Mardi Gras (huge simplification). If you’ve never heard of Purim you won’t get this post at all, but if you know all about Purim then you might like it.

Here’s the all-Purim squad:

 

P: Len Perme (Basically named Len Purim)

C: Pat Spieler (Old Pat always put on a good Purim Shpiel)

1B: Susano Perez (Closest thing to Shushan)

2B: Henry Tershinski (I couldn’t find anyone named Bigtan)

3B: Don Magill (The whole Don Magill) 

SS: Anthony Esterquest (Esthers… quest…)

RF: Billy Queen (Because Esther is a Queen…)

CF: Mack Haman (He got booed all the time)

LF: Mike Mordechai (The savior of our team)

 

Make sure you boo Haman and A-Rod tomorrow!

The MLB Fan Cave: A Eulogy

It’s a sad day in BBQLand.B9Z9wl8IIAEtn1R

 

 

 

MLB announced this morning that they plan to shut down the MLB Fan Cave. It’s currently unclear exactly what they plan to do with the physical space as well as the over 500,000 Twitter followers, but for us here at the Cespedes Family Barbecue the news is most certainly sad. We were lucky enough to spend a fair amount of time at the Cave this past summer and while we were impressed with the awesomeness of the actual facility, what really struck us was the depth and breadth of creative content the people over there had created.

We don’t know why the Fan Cave is ceasing operations, and we might never know, but I think it’s important to recognize some of the amazing content those behind the scenes were able to create. So here are a few of my favorite videos/vines/whatever that they developed over the past four years.

Vlad Guerrero/50 Cent

https://vine.co/v/MptdYeqY3Ep/embed/simplehttps://platform.vine.co/static/scripts/embed.jsThis is arguably the best baseball-related thing of all time. If I could either watch this or Barry Bonds for the rest of my life, I’d probably pick Barry Bonds highlights, but it’s really, really close. This Vine captures what really set the Fan Cave content apart: it had a perfect combination of the ideas, resources, and abilities needed to achieve a vine as perfect and as beautiful as this one.

Chase Utley Always Sunny

I still think about whether or not Chase Utley actually watches the show or if the people at the Fan Cave had to sit him down and make him watch Charlie and Frank fighting over a dog painting that Hitler may or may not have made (I know it’s not the same episode).

Continue reading

A Bunch of Jokes About Gorby Throwing A Baseball

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This is a picture of former leader of the Soviet Union (and personal favorite world leader) Mikhail Gorbachev throwing a baseball. The photo was taken when Gorby threw out the first pitch at a high school game in Texas when he visited Bush in 2001. There’s so much to say about this photo so I figured I would just say it. Here are some jokes/puns/observations about this amazing picture:

 

  • He threw a Glastnostball to get a Perestroikout.
  • I’m confused about why he’s wearing the away uniform for the infamous men’s league baseball team “The Generic Geriatric Grandfathers.”
  • In classic US/USSR fashion Bush looks like one of those umpires you have in little league who stands behind the mound and judges every single thing you do.
  • Bush is the trainer who was called out of the dugout to check up on Gorby’s nagging injury: fractured pride.
  • In a socialist society everyone gets a trophy
  • Seems to be getting a lot of revolutions on the ball.
  • Ubaldo Jimenez makes Gorby look like David Price.
  • “From Wrigley in the Adriatic to Minute Maid in the Baltic an Iron Curveball has descended across the continent.”
  • IN SOVIET UNION BALL PITCHES YOU
  • The batter was actually Mike Eruzione who hit this pitch over 400 feet.
  • If he wants to get more power on his fastball, Gorby should probably COMINTERN his hips open a little later in his motion.
  • This is Gorby’s last batter, the fans convinced the manager to bring in Yeltsin to face the righty.
  • His win/lost record looks good, but Gorby still has a cold WAR

Top Young Newsbreakers

For those of you that have been following the off-season hot stove action on the famed website Twitter dot com you probably know that there has been a lot of talk about the new young crop of reporters taking the baseball world by storm. Last year, through hard work and an impressive rolodex of #sources, Chris Cotillo made a name for himself. Cotillo’s success seems to have inspired the next generation of adolescent Bob Woodwards. These kids have taken to the Twitterverse to apply their perspective, knowledge, and youth to the hot stove action we know and love. Let’s take a look at some of these wunderkinds:

 

Jake Wesley (@MLB_NL_AL_FederalLeague_NegroLeagues_NPB_NCAAD1_NCAAD2_LLWS)

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Jake Wesley has been the source of controversy this offseason as the validity of his so called reports has been called into question. Whether a result of luck, magic, or hard work, Jake has had success in establishing himself among baseball aristocracy. While at 14 years old Wesley is younger than most established reporters, he is the elder statesmen of this new crop of youngsters and many of these youngsters cite Jake’s success as their inspiration. Jake’s journalistic integrity, spelling skills, and willingness to listen to his mother could certainly use some work, but that’s the case with most 14 year olds. Keep an eye on this leader of the lunchroom because he might be your boss before you know it.

 

Ricky Shaw (@NewCubsNews)

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While this prepubescent insider might not seem like much at first glance, to overlook Ricky would be an enormous mistake. The kid has fight, fire, and firetrucks in his room and is “dedicated to putting the work in.” His aptitude with modern technology could be called into question as the phone he is holding in his profile picture seems to have been made in 2004, but Ricky makes up for what he lacks in electronics with his immense collection of tri-colored Under Armour shirts. His impressive wardrobe coupled with the astonishingly wet nature of his hair means that Ricky truly is a kid to be taken seriously.

 

Fetus To Be Named Later (@FetusInsideMLB)

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Now this is downright impressive. The only MLB reporter still physically connected to his mother, Fetus To Be Named Later, or FTBNL as he has been called, has been able to take the baseball world by storm without the help of a smart phone, mouth, or fingers. After breaking the Clint Barmes signing, FTBNL tweeted out that he couldn’t wait to actually see Clint play once he finally got out of his mother’s birth canal. Even though he has never seen a baseball game in person, his mother has been swallowing baseball cards so FTBNL has been able to get a good sense for the ins and outs of the game. It’s really amazing what this thing has been able to do so far in his young “life” and I’m excited to see what he can do once he actually gets out of the womb.

Oscar Taveras Tribute Video

Sick. That’s how I felt when we heard the news that Oscar Taveras, the future Cardinals superstar, had died tragically in a car accident. As the news broke and was eventually confirmed on Twitter, it felt like someone had sucker punched me in the stomach.

I assume this is how most of the baseball community felt as well. The World Series, however riveting it may be, suddenly felt unwatchable. At the core, baseball is a game played by young men, and the fact that one of these young men lost his life instantly becomes more important than whatever Madison Bumgarner is going to do tonight.

I’m not sure what the “proper” way to react to this news is. Maybe this video is insensitive and if it offends you I’m genuinely sorry, but in times of sadness it’s helpful to find comfort in the tangible.

Oscar Taveras was going to be a superstar. Scouts and prognosticators all agreed that this kid had the potential to do amazing things between the lines. The thing is, he had already become something amazing. Hundreds of thousands of young Dominican kids dream of one day playing in the big leagues. Taveras died having already fulfilled that dream.

I didn’t know Oscar Taveras. Chances are neither did you. But for whatever reason, right now, it feels like we did. Our thoughts go out to his family and friends. May they find peace in this difficult time.

Rest in peace, Oscar. You were fucking awesome.