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There have been a lot of questions regarding Matt Garza recently. Will he be traded? Where will he be traded? Will he ever pitch for the Cubs again? What in Lord’s name is growing on his chin? Does he enjoy vanilla pudding? What would a team have to give up to get Garza?
Let’s focus on the last question. Major league teams are probably going to offer a package of prospects for Garza. Prospects are awesome, but prospects are risky. Do you know what doesn’t have risk? Things lying around my house. It’s trading time.
Jake’s Trading Package #1: Shoes
Details: 11 pairs of shoes or 22 shoes depending on how the Cubs would be interested in utilizing said shoes.
Pros: I would be getting a pretty good number two pitcher who can lead my rotation.
Cons: I need shoes to go outside unless I want dirt all over my feet. Matt Garza doesn’t want to play with a guy who has dirt on his feet.
Decision Time: I’d make the trade. I have other shoes in the closet in my room.
Jake’s Trading Package #2: Milk
Details: Three jugs of milk totaling about a gallon. Not stale at all. Package includes both skim and 1% milk. A really big haul.
Pros: Garza doesn’t like milk so he would feel comfortable in my kitchen if I pull the trigger on this trade.
Cons: The quality of breakfast would go downhill as dry cereal would become the norm. Also Mac and Cheese would suck.
Decision Time: I’d make the trade. I can go to the store and buy more milk. I can’t go to the store and buy more Matt Garza.
Jake’s Trading Package #3: 10 Year Old Astros Cards
Details: A random assortment of 2003-2004 Astros cards. Includes stars like Adam Everett, Charlton Jimerson, and Phil Garner.
Pros: The Cubs probably don’t have a lot of 10-year-old Astros cards lying around Wrigley Field and might be looking to acquire some.
Cons: These are really awesome. And I take solace in knowing that I have a Brandon Backe card in my room.
Decision Time: Nope. Some things in life are worth trading for Matt Garza. This is not one of those things.
#CFB
CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 
Your shoes-for-Garza trade proposal is intriguing, mostly because the 11 pairs (or 22 shoes) include not only a seriously wacky pair (or two shoes) of orange/black/yellow/tons of other colors sneakers, and a pair (or two boots) of knee-high black leather boots. Both valued commodities. The milk one is a joke though, at LEAST give me some 2% if we’re talking Garza, and I’m probably gonna be asking for whole milk.
I’d want 1% and half and half, whipping cream, or heavy cream in that milk package for Garza. He’s too good to give up for anything less.
Might as well trade your spoiled ass a whole cow.
Skim is lame. Just sayin’.
I’d just like to point out that the Hot Pockets YouTube ad that I see at the bottom of the page complements this post nicely. You should refresh liberally until you get it.
Interesting piece, garza for a grill lighter and a half eaten pouch if big league chew, who says no? Also does this put the market for Bud Norris around like four of my worn out faded black band t shirts in my hamper?