This Is An Octavio Dotel Appreciation Post

For those of you that don’t know, Octavio Dotel is awesome. I felt like it was time to let the world know that Mr. Dotel is a savior, a superhero, and a saint. So buckle up, latch in, and get ready because this is about to be a doozy.

Octavio Dotel Has Played For 13 Teams

This segment of Dotel’s legacy has been well documented. The sheer fact that a major league baseball player played for thirteen years is absurd, let alone thirteen teams. I bet the random guy on the street can’t even name thirteen teams. “What is a Rockies?” he would say.

To put the number thirteen in perspective; so you know how it feels like Casper Wells is on a new team every week? Well Casper Wells has played for only five teams, and if you are good at math you know that’s seven less than Dotel’s thirteen.

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Trade Deadline Grades: Fathers

Sand Ago Fathers

Players Acquired:

  • Ink Hendy

ANALYSIS:

  • Kennedy has two daughters so this is a move typical of the Padres who are always looking to pick up padres to play for the Padres, you understand compadre?
  • Pitching in Petco means it’ll be much easier for him to pick up supplies for his dog, cat, and three gerbils
  • By going to San Diego, Ian is furthering himself from the career path of his grand uncle John F. Kennedy.

GRADE: 6th

  • You have no idea what you are and neither does anyone else. People keep saying you are a couple of years away but come on, are you really? Probably not. It probably won’t get better for you and you’ll probably just keep picking your nose in class until you turn 35. What does this have to do with baseball? Chicken.

Trade Deadline Grades: Ass Trolls

Who’s Town Ass Trolls

Players Acquired:

  • Kai Ells Myth
  • Joe Shader
  • L.J. Hoes

ANALYSIS:

  • The Astros are going to have the greatest AAA team of all time in 2016. The citizens of Oklahoma City should get the lube out because it’s going to get hot and heavy.
  • Any time you can pick up hoes, you do it.
  • Did I mention his name is Hoes?
  • Hader is a tall projectable lefty, just like your mom.

GRADE: 11th

  • Get ready for the hardest year of your lives Astros fans. Junior year might be really rough, but don’t worry it gets way better next year. Just tough it out and do your SAT stuff and you’ll be fine.

Trade Deadline Grades: Oreos

Ball Tomorrow E. Rails

Players Acquired:

  • Blood Nurse

ANALYSIS:

  • The Orioles needed another number three/four type starter because Jason Hammel, Chris Tillman, Wei Yin Chen, Sidney Ponson, Scott Feldman, Miguel Gonzalez, Steve Johnson, and T.J. McFarland weren’t enough…
  • Any time you can dump Hoes, you do it.
  • The problem with Hader was always be that if you make the “d” a “g” it becomes Hager, which is the name of the bad guy from Men In Black. That was what always concerned me.

GRADE: Fourth

  • The Orioles weren’t quite middle school with the move they made today, but they are working on their long division and should be called up to fifth grade by September.

An Ode To Alfonso Soriano

People always talk about players that are better in person. You’ve heard these quotes from your friends before:

“Man, you gotta see Puig in person.”

“Felix live is sick!”

“Watching Pedro Florimon hit changed my life.”

I never had that kind of experience seeing a player live until I went to Wrigley Field. I wasn’t blown away by speed, power, athleticism, or even grit. No sir. You see, what really struck me was how much fun Alfonso Soriano had with the game of baseball. So on that note, I wrote a little poem about my new favorite player.

Alfonso, Alfonso.

You arrived in this world so damn clean.

Pants always tight and pristine.

You’re not Aaron Hicks, but 1976, was when you emerged from your mothers vahin.

San Pedro De Macoris is your home.

You are better than Pedro Florimon.

Then you grew from a boy to a man

And spent two derpy years in Japan

In 06 you came to DC

And proceded to give the entire league an STD.

You, Bonds, Canseco, Oh Lordy

A-Rod, and a Mercer named Jordy.

Achieved such a feat, you danced to the beat, all but one of them have hit 40-40.

The time in DC ended shitty.

But you came up to the Windy City.

You picked up your bat, and you put on your hat, and you’re way better than Alex Liddi.

You never played for the Detroit Tigers.

You never played with Alex Meyer

Your swings make me cry, your socks are so high and only your spirits are higher.

You smile, you laugh, and you play.

You always take my breath away.

May you never retire, may your socks go up higher, to Alfonso a hip hip hooray.

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What Would I Have To Give Up To Trade For Matt Garza

AP Photo

There have been a lot of questions regarding Matt Garza recently. Will he be traded? Where will he be traded? Will he ever pitch for the Cubs again? What in Lord’s name is growing on his chin? Does he enjoy vanilla pudding? What would a team have to give up to get Garza?

Let’s focus on the last question. Major league teams are probably going to offer a package of prospects for Garza. Prospects are awesome, but prospects are risky. Do you know what doesn’t have risk? Things lying around my house. It’s trading time.

Jake’s Trading Package #1: Shoes

Details: 11 pairs of shoes or 22 shoes depending on how the Cubs would be interested in utilizing said shoes.

Pros: I would be getting a pretty good number two pitcher who can lead my rotation.

Cons: I need shoes to go outside unless I want dirt all over my feet. Matt Garza doesn’t want to play with a guy who has dirt on his feet.

Decision Time: I’d make the trade. I have other shoes in the closet in my room.

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9 Things We Learned at Nationals Park On A Tuesday In June

This past Tuesday, Jake and I attended our first major league baseball game of the 2013 season. We watched the Arizona Diamondbacks lose to the Washington Natitudes 7-5 after nine innings of surprisingly mediocre baseball.

Boring game recaps be damned; here are the nine things we learned from this night of based ballz.

1. Wade Miley Is Almost Definitely Related To Miley Cyrus

During batting practice, we were kindly heckling some Diamondbacks players in right field as they shagged fly balls and probably talked about dirty things. At one point, Ian Kennedy and Wade Miley simultaneously drifted back for a fly ball. Kennedy grabbed it, but it was a near collision. After criticizing for their lack of communication, we finally had Wade’s attention. We had to ask.

“WADE ! ARE YOU RELATED TO MILEY ?!”

“What ?”

“You know…Miley…”

“Oh yeah…she’s my sister.”

Case closed.

2. Trevor Cahill Is Large

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When the D-backs starter for the night emerged from the dugout, we were surprised by the sheer size of him. He’s listed at 6″4 220 lbs but he looked to be the biggest player on the team. Just a big dude.

3. There Is No Minimum Height To Be On the Washington Nationals Grounds Crew

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We were sure this was Jose Altuve just doing some adorable charity work, but it seems to just be some lucky kid tasked with carrying a hose around. Sidenote: The Fox Sports West reporter at the bottom of the picture looked remarkably unhappy for the entire game.

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