Trade Deadline Grades: Oreos

Ball Tomorrow E. Rails

Players Acquired:

  • Blood Nurse


  • The Orioles needed another number three/four type starter because Jason Hammel, Chris Tillman, Wei Yin Chen, Sidney Ponson, Scott Feldman, Miguel Gonzalez, Steve Johnson, and T.J. McFarland weren’t enough…
  • Any time you can dump Hoes, you do it.
  • The problem with Hader was always be that if you make the “d” a “g” it becomes Hager, which is the name of the bad guy from Men In Black. That was what always concerned me.

GRADE: Fourth

  • The Orioles weren’t quite middle school with the move they made today, but they are working on their long division and should be called up to fifth grade by September.

That Awkward Freddy Garcia Thing

So you get back from a 3 day trip on which you had no wi-fi or access to anything baseball related. Most of your life is the same. Same friends. Your belongings are in check. You generally feel the same. But as you sit and ponder, you recognize something is not right. Something has changed. Is it your teeth? No. Is it the smell of your bedroom? No. Then, all of a sudden you realize:

Freddy Garcia is throwing a no-hitter for the Baltimore Orioles against The The Angels Angels of Anaheim.

Screen Shot 2013-05-04 at 6.13.22 PM

At first, I struggled with this. First of all, I thought Freddy Garcia was still on the Mariners. (What can I say? My mind is stuck in the late 90’s). Second, it was his first start on the Orioles. His “debut”, one might say. Debuts for old dudes are counter-intuitive oxymorons. Freddy Garcia making his Orioles debut would usually fill up the headlines on a regular day, but somehow it slipped through the cracks.

As I watched more, I realized that Freddy on the Orioles was a good thing. It was the melding of two improbable entities. When impossible comes together, wonder blossoms, sparks fly (whenever you smile). Freddy taught me a lot. He taught me that his age didn’t matter. He taught me that beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, genres. Garcia also taught me that change isn’t hard.

Life involves change. People say change is hard. But in baseball, a fastball is hard. A change is slow… stupid. And the only thing slower than a change-up is a Freddy Garcia fastball.

The Bourn Ultimatum Part 1: The AL Beast


Center field is considered one of, if not the most valuable position in baseball. First division Center Fielders are not easy to come by. There is usually a scarcity of top quality centerfielders; its hard to find a guy who can play the position, hit, and hit for power. Why then is Michael Bourn still a free agent? No one seems to want to pay Michael Bourn, but someone has to right?

This article is the first of a six part series going team by team examining how well Michael Bourn fits the current roster. Each team will get a score from one to ten on the BOURN O’METER 3000. I don’t know where the hell he is going to end up, but there’s no harm in a little fun. Let’s start off with the AL East.

Baltimore Orioles:

Why Not Bourn:

  • One overlooked moment of the 2012 magic Orioles was the Adam Jones contract extension. This is how Baltimore Orioles fans feel about about Adam Jones. Jones might not be a superstar yet, but he has superstar potential and after winning the hearts of the Charm City with this homerun Jones should be the face of this team for years to come. 

Why Bourn:

  • Jones’ merits as a defensive CF are debated. He is well known for occasional lapses in focus and bubble gum blowing escapades. Jones didn’t deserve the gold glove he won this year over Mike Trout because Mike Trout can do this. Signing Bourn and moving Jones to LF would give the Orioles a legitimate leadoff man; something they’ve been craving since Brian Roberts’ body started to break down.

Bourn’s Perspective

  • Michael Bourn watches the wire. Michael Bourn is terrified of Omar. Michael Bourn doesn’t want to end up like Michael Lee.


  • While moving Jones to left and signing Bourn might make baseball sense, it wouldn’t work on a clubhouse level. Jones signed that extension to play in the middle of the diamond and moving the team leader wouldn’t be good for team chemistry. Also Bourn can’t deal with the streets of Baltimore. Omar comin

Toronto Blue Jays

Why Not Bourn

  • The Toronto Blue Jays have more outfielders than they can count. Jose Bautista is set to play right field for the Blue Jays as long as he wants to. The other two spots will include some rotation of Emilio Bonifacio, Anthony Gose, Colby Rasmus, and Rajai Davis.

Why Bourn

  •  You can never have enough outfield depth. (Except for when you can).

Bourn’s Perspective

  • Michael Bourn doesn’t want to play for a team in Europe. Michael Bourn doesn’t understand kilometers.


  • Not going to happen. Too many outfielders.

New York Yankees

 Why Not Bourn

  • While Granderson’s 2011 season begins to look more and more like an outlier, he still provides good value at a very important position. Minor League prospect Mason Williams is a few years away, but looks like a Major League regular. CF is not a need here, Bourn will probably have to look elsewhere. Also short people look stupid in vertical striping. Its very fashion faux pas.

Why Bourn

  • Bourn and Youkilis would be really cute on the same team. The two of them could look like a bad buddy cop comedy show.

Bourn’s Perspective

  • Michael Bourn is afraid of people who talk weird (see Boston). Michael Bourn feels swallowed up by the hustle and bustle of the big city.


  • Not going to happen. The Yankees recent anti-spending spree means either they are trying to get under the luxury tax or they are saving up for something big; a new video game or maybe a really cool bike.

Tampa Bay Rays

Why Not Bourn?

  • The Rays entire off season budget was already spent on the 1 year 2 million dollar contract they gave James Loney. Oh and that Longoria thing…

Why Bourn

  • Wil Myers, Desmond Jennings, and Michael Bourn is a pretty stacked outfield.  Nuf said.

Bourn’s Perspective

  • Michael Bourn would prefer to play in front of fans.


  • Andrew Friedman doesn’t like giving away his money.

Boston Red Sox:

Why Not Bourn?

  • The childish schoolboy charm of Jacoby Ellsubry is still occupying the grassy greens of Fenway Park for now. Archie Bradley might sound like your high school art teacher, but he’s actually the #2 prospect in the Red Sox farm system who will be an above average regular in CF starting in 2014.

Why Bourn?

  • The Red Sox could use Bourn if they plan on trading away Bradley along with top prospect Xander Boegarts to the Mets in return for R.A. Dickey, R.A. Dickey’s unfound UCL, a pair of game worn R.A. Dickey sandals, and a signed picture of Josh Thole. Another possibility is that Ryan Kalish finds the socks he has been stressing over for years and finally realizes his potential as a really really really really average baseball player.

Bourn’s Perspective:

  •  His skills aren’t ideal for the offensive orgy that is the AL East, let alone the little league field that is Fenway Park. Michael Bourn also doesn’t like the way Bostonians talk (who does?). Michael Bourn is afraid of Paul Revere because he reminds Michael Bourn too much of Ben Revere.


  • Victorino + Ellsbury + Bradley + Fenway Paaaaaak + Paul Revere = Probably Not