Tag Archives: houston astros

Trade Deadline Grades: Ass Trolls

by jakemintz

Who’s Town Ass Trolls

Players Acquired:

  • Kai Ells Myth
  • Joe Shader
  • L.J. Hoes

ANALYSIS:

  • The Astros are going to have the greatest AAA team of all time in 2016. The citizens of Oklahoma City should get the lube out because it’s going to get hot and heavy.
  • Any time you can pick up hoes, you do it.
  • Did I mention his name is Hoes?
  • Hader is a tall projectable lefty, just like your mom.

GRADE: 11th

  • Get ready for the hardest year of your lives Astros fans. Junior year might be really rough, but don’t worry it gets way better next year. Just tough it out and do your SAT stuff and you’ll be fine.

Trade Deadline Grades: Oreos

by jakemintz

Ball Tomorrow E. Rails

Players Acquired:

  • Blood Nurse

ANALYSIS:

  • The Orioles needed another number three/four type starter because Jason Hammel, Chris Tillman, Wei Yin Chen, Sidney Ponson, Scott Feldman, Miguel Gonzalez, Steve Johnson, and T.J. McFarland weren’t enough…
  • Any time you can dump Hoes, you do it.
  • The problem with Hader was always be that if you make the “d” a “g” it becomes Hager, which is the name of the bad guy from Men In Black. That was what always concerned me.

GRADE: Fourth

  • The Orioles weren’t quite middle school with the move they made today, but they are working on their long division and should be called up to fifth grade by September.

Jake’s Draft Trinkets

by jakemintz

Hello all. The draft! Yay!!!!

Houston Astros: March Apple

  • I totally thought Kevin died, good to see he lives on.
  • I’m sure Appel will fit in great in the most Christian city in America? Maybe?
  • I love Appel’s floor almost as much as Appel loves Jesus Christ.

Chicago Cubs: Crisp Rye Ant

  • Kerry Wood in the house is giving everyone the sads.
  • Two Christs in a row.
  • “Jayson Werth, Troy Glaus, and Pat Burrell rolled into one.”

Colorado Rockies: Joan Ass Thing Ray

  • Think about just how far he could throw in Coors.
  • Can’t tell if this is a Superman ad or Gray’s fastball. Huzzah.

Minnesota Twins: Cold Steward

  • Good to see Tony Oliva’s wilting face.
  • From Tomball, Texas, which sounds like a game Tom made up.
  • Player Comparison: Josh Beckett (Does that mean he golfs and acts like a drunk hobo too? Go Twins!)

Cleveland Indians: Clit Rager

  • Rumor around town is that Indians will take hometown kid Sitting Bull.
  • Do you want some sushi with that ginger?
  • That is the least Indian looking Indian ever, besides Nick Swisher.
  • Frazier is clearly ecstatic to be going to Cleveland… said no one ever.

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Why Did I Watch Rockies-Astros?

by jakemintz

You know how when you are a little kid and you walk into your parents room and they’re watching something too “grownup” for you? Maybe it’s The Wire, maybe its The Godfather, but whatever it is, you aren’t old enough. It probably has either guns, boobs, or drugs, or if you’re lucky, some combination of the three. You feel excluded and left out, but you know that your parents are trying to protect you. So what the hell mom, where were you when I was watching that entire Rockies-Astros series? Why didn’t you protect me?

The Astros won three of four, including both games in Coors. I watched every single minute of the first game of the series; the 12 inning classic that almost melted my brain. So let me ask a question: Why in hell did I watch so much of this series?

Erik Bedard doesn’t know.

To be fair, there were some great plays. Chris Carter had a beautiful strikeout. Wilin Rosario let some balls by him… probably. And Tulo had one of those awesome jump throws he always does. Check it out.

Wait what? Oh crap. That’s totally Nolan Arenado hitting the backstop. Why was I watching these games again? Rafael Betancourt do you know why?

He has no idea. Neither do I.

Happy Darvish Day ! (Start #8)

by Jordan Shusterman

Yu Darvish will start this evening against the Houston Astros. Last time Darvish faced Houston, he was one out away from a perfect game. Since it’s Yu Darvish and since it’s Houston, we can pretty much expect the same thing. So get pumped. Here are three professional Japanese hitters that had absolutely no chance against Yu’s four-seam fastball.

Ugh, kilometers, I know. That’s 97 MPH.