Hello all. The draft! Yay!!!!
Houston Astros: March Apple
- I totally thought Kevin died, good to see he lives on.
- I’m sure Appel will fit in great in the most Christian city in America? Maybe?
- I love Appel’s floor almost as much as Appel loves Jesus Christ.
Chicago Cubs: Crisp Rye Ant
- Kerry Wood in the house is giving everyone the sads.
- Two Christs in a row.
- “Jayson Werth, Troy Glaus, and Pat Burrell rolled into one.”
Colorado Rockies: Joan Ass Thing Ray
- Think about just how far he could throw in Coors.
- Can’t tell if this is a Superman ad or Gray’s fastball. Huzzah.
Minnesota Twins: Cold Steward
- Good to see Tony Oliva’s wilting face.
- From Tomball, Texas, which sounds like a game Tom made up.
- Player Comparison: Josh Beckett (Does that mean he golfs and acts like a drunk hobo too? Go Twins!)
Cleveland Indians: Clit Rager
- Rumor around town is that Indians will take hometown kid Sitting Bull.
- Do you want some sushi with that ginger?
- That is the least Indian looking Indian ever, besides Nick Swisher.
- Frazier is clearly ecstatic to be going to Cleveland… said no one ever.
Miami Marlins: Call In Moron
- The draft room looks almost as empty as their stadium and the people in it look even less interested.
- Moran’s forehead comp: Rihanna with power
Boston Red Sox: Treble
- Trey Ball is incapable of throwing four balls.
- I hear he’s absolutely money from downtown. Swishes the Treyball.
- He’s a two way player, which means can pitch lefty and righty.
- Compared to Shawn Green, which means he’s Jewish too.
Kansas City Royals: Hunt Her Dose Her
- I don’t know who that is, but he’s compared to Jeff Kent, which implies a porn mustache.
- No one thought he’d be the first hunter taken. Way before the first gatherer.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Ass Tin Meet Hoes
- He loves baseball, hanging out with his friends, and prancing through Meadows.
- MEADOWS HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!!! #COOTIES
Toronto Blue Jays: Fill Big Bird
- Actually its Phillip…
- “How about that age? 17.” Yes Harold, that is his age…
- Bickford should be from Texas, but he’s not, so I’m sad.
- Needless to say, I don’t have much to say about him.
New York Mets: Dominate Spit
- Darryl Strawberry is there to make sure the Mets draft pick has an equally disappointing career.
- We got a black Ike Davis over here.
- “I liake Carlosh Gonzahlez Aaand Rahbison Cahno”
- He’s pretty much Todd Helton
Seattle Mariners: Dee Jay, Peter’s Son
- The one thing I see from watching him hug his family, is that he’s a big third baseman.
- He’s “more of a dubstep guy”. Duh, he’s a DJ.
- Player Comp: Jedd Gyorko. So we have no idea.
- New Mexico? ALIENS!!!!
- Didn’t realize that his dad was Bill Cowher.
San Diego Padres: Enter When Fro
- The second hunter taken.
- He has an absolutely adorable face.
- 80 huggabilty.
- First thing other than roadkill to be compared to Tyler Moore.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Wees McWire
- So there are his cups and pieces.
- A mix between Reese Witherspoon and Mark McGuire.
Arizona Diamondbacks: Braid N. Ship Lee
- I have nothing to say here. Sorry, I’m not that funny.
- Good thing he gets to stay in the desert.
- He might have to move off shortstop… three years ago.
Philadelphia Phillies: Jape Eke Ruf Hord
- They haven’t had a first round pick in two years. They’ll be fine. It’s like riding a really difficult bike.
- Is this prom or the draft? Purple vest. Puhleez.
- Shlack Bortstop.
- He sees himself in either the majors or the minors within the next 5 years…
Chicago White Sox: Don’t Care
- This system is so bad that I’m discontinuing this post right now.