Jake’s Draft Trinkets

Hello all. The draft! Yay!!!!

Houston Astros: March Apple

  • I totally thought Kevin died, good to see he lives on.
  • I’m sure Appel will fit in great in the most Christian city in America? Maybe?
  • I love Appel’s floor almost as much as Appel loves Jesus Christ.

Chicago Cubs: Crisp Rye Ant

  • Kerry Wood in the house is giving everyone the sads.
  • Two Christs in a row.
  • “Jayson Werth, Troy Glaus, and Pat Burrell rolled into one.”

Colorado Rockies: Joan Ass Thing Ray

  • Think about just how far he could throw in Coors.
  • Can’t tell if this is a Superman ad or Gray’s fastball. Huzzah.

Minnesota Twins: Cold Steward

  • Good to see Tony Oliva’s wilting face.
  • From Tomball, Texas, which sounds like a game Tom made up.
  • Player Comparison: Josh Beckett (Does that mean he golfs and acts like a drunk hobo too? Go Twins!)

Cleveland Indians: Clit Rager

  • Rumor around town is that Indians will take hometown kid Sitting Bull.
  • Do you want some sushi with that ginger?
  • That is the least Indian looking Indian ever, besides Nick Swisher.
  • Frazier is clearly ecstatic to be going to Cleveland… said no one ever.

Miami Marlins: Call In Moron

  •  The draft room looks almost as empty as their stadium and the people in it look even less interested.
  • Moran’s forehead comp: Rihanna with power

Boston Red Sox: Treble

  • Trey Ball is incapable of throwing four balls.
  • I hear he’s absolutely money from downtown. Swishes the Treyball.
  • He’s a two way player, which means can pitch lefty and righty.
  • Compared to Shawn Green, which means he’s Jewish too.

Kansas City Royals: Hunt Her Dose Her

  • I don’t know who that is, but he’s compared to Jeff Kent, which implies a porn mustache.
  • No one thought he’d be the first hunter taken. Way before the first gatherer.

Pittsburgh Pirates: Ass Tin Meet Hoes

  • He loves baseball, hanging out with his friends, and prancing through Meadows.
  • MEADOWS HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!!! #COOTIES

Toronto Blue Jays: Fill Big Bird

  • Actually its Phillip…
  • “How about that age? 17.” Yes Harold, that is his age…
  • Bickford should be from Texas, but he’s not, so I’m sad.
  • Needless to say, I don’t have much to say about him.

New York Mets: Dominate Spit

  • Darryl Strawberry is there to make sure the Mets draft pick has an equally disappointing career.
  • We got a black Ike Davis over here.
  • “I liake Carlosh Gonzahlez Aaand Rahbison Cahno”
  • He’s pretty much Todd Helton

Seattle Mariners: Dee Jay, Peter’s Son

  • The one thing I see from watching him hug his family, is that he’s a big third baseman.
  • He’s “more of a dubstep guy”. Duh, he’s a DJ.
  • Player Comp: Jedd Gyorko. So we have no idea.
  • New Mexico? ALIENS!!!!
  • Didn’t realize that his dad was Bill Cowher.

San Diego Padres: Enter When Fro

  • The second hunter taken.
  • He has an absolutely adorable face.
  • 80 huggabilty.
  • First thing other than roadkill to be compared to Tyler Moore.

Pittsburgh Pirates: Wees McWire

  • So there are his cups and pieces.
  • A mix between Reese Witherspoon and Mark McGuire.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Braid N. Ship Lee

  • I have nothing to say here. Sorry, I’m not that funny.
  • Good thing he gets to stay in the desert.
  • He might have to move off shortstop… three years ago.

Philadelphia Phillies: Jape Eke Ruf Hord

  • They haven’t had a first round pick in two years. They’ll be fine. It’s like riding a really difficult bike.
  • Is this prom or the draft? Purple vest. Puhleez.
  • Shlack Bortstop.
  • He sees himself in either the majors or the minors within the next 5 years…

Chicago White Sox: Don’t Care

  • This system is so bad that I’m discontinuing this post right now.
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