Kelly Vs. Avril: The Showdown You’ve All Been Waiting For

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal…”

Stop right there, Thomas Jefferson.

There’s Kelly Clarkson and Avril Lavigne, and then there’s the rest of humanity.

It’s an undeniable hierarchy that has slowly made its way to the core of the friendship between CFB founders Jordan Shusterman and Jake Mintz. Two unbelievable female vocal sensations, forever linked by the intense bond of both having happened to have their careers take off in the year 2002. Their musical styles aren’t even that similar but who even cares because this is a big deal and you should pay attention to it. We are both in complete acceptance that each other’s favorite is an amazing musician/strong independent woman/human being/representative of Earth. However, we would like to take the time to try and convince you, the reader, which one is better.

Jake is a devoted Kelly Clarkson enthusiast; when he’s not spamming the news feeds of innocent facebookers with his not-so-subtle Spotify endeavors, you can probably find him belting “The Trouble With Love Is” in his adorable little red Accord. His workout playlist consists of Kelly and Kelly only, and he has no shame in admitting that. It’s a complex obsession that is genuine and full of #want.

Jordan has always proclaimed his love for Avril, often citing her incredible peak as one of the many reasons for such intense interest in her musical works of art. Recently spotted faintly singing the greatest hits from Avril’s legendary debut album “Let Go” at 4 AM at a New Year’s party, Jordan is always happy to spread Avril fever to anyone and everyone in his vicinity (or in that case, those who were still awake).

That’s just some background. This is only the beginning. What follows is an in-depth look at what this completely made-up rivalry truly consists of.

***************************************************************************************************************

We will present our own case, as well as provide .gifs because this is the internet and what is an article without .gifs? Let’s start with some simple comparisons.

FULL NAME:

Kelly: Kelly Brianne Clarkson

Avril: Avril Ramona Lavigne

BIRTHDAY/AGE:

Kelly: April 24th, 1982. 30 years old.

Avril: September 27th, 1984. 28 years old.

BIRTHPLACE: 

Kelly: Fort Worth, Texas, THESE United States of America

Avril: Belleville, Ontario, OHHHHHHHHH Canada

IS SHE TALLER THAN JOSE ALTUVE?

Kelly: Yeah, not even close.

Avril: Probably.

DOES SHE WEIGH MORE THAN DEE GORDON?

Kelly: Almost definitely

Avril: Maybe

MOST FLATTERING .GIFS:

Kelly:

Avril:

LEAST FLATTERING .GIF:

Kelly:

Avril:

APPROXIMATE NUMBER OF GOOGLE SEARCH RESULTS:

Kelly: 99.2 million results

Avril: 89.8 million results

APPROXIMATE NUMBER OF YOUTUBE SEARCH RESULTS:

Kelly: 299,000 results

Avril: 404,000 results

NUMBER OF VEVO SUBSCRIBERS (AS OF 2/20/13):

Kelly: 389,706 subscribers

Avril: 1,394,477 subscribers

NUMBER OF VEVO VIEWS (AS OF 2/20/13):

Kelly: 350,413,018 views

Avril: 965,509,524 views

WIKIPEDIA WORD COUNT:

Kelly: 5910 words

Avril: 7239 words

NUMBER OF WIKIPEDIA CITATIONS:

Kelly: 120 citations

Avril: 175 citations

PANDORA RADIO BIOGRAPHY WORD COUNT:

Kelly: 743 words

Avril: 71o words

NUMBER OF ALBUMS:

Kelly: 5

Avril: 4

NUMBER OF SINGLES:

Kelly: 25

Avril: 17

NUMBER OF MUSIC VIDEOS:

Kelly: 24

Avril: 20

MOST RIDICULOUS LYRIC:

Kelly:

“And I may not be Einstein but I know,
Dumb plus dumb equals you.
Dumb plus dumb equals you.”

~ “Einstein (2011)”

Avril:

“I hate it when a guy doesn’t understand,
Why a certain time of month, I don’t wanna hold his hand.”

~ “The Best Damn Thing (2007)”

MOST ABSURD .GIF:

Kelly:

Avril:

CLAIM TO FAME:

Kelly: Winning the first season of American Idol

Avril: Being a rebellious 17 year old who wrote a song about things being complicated

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

Kelly: Engaged to Brandon Blackstock (Stepson of Reba McEntire)

Avril: Engaged to Chad Kroeger (Lead singer of Nickelback)

PAST RELATIONSHIPS:

Kelly: None that are known of publicly.

Avril: 2006-2009: Married to Deryck Whibley, lead singer and guitarist of the band Sum 41 (questionable Y in the first name; probably distantly related to Jayson and Laynce Nix). Dated professional celebrity Brody Jenner from 2010 to early 2012.

WAS SHE ON “SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH”?

Kelly: Yes, as an extra in one scene. You can see her walk by in the .gif below. Watch closely.

Avril: Yes, as herself. She performed “Sk8er Boi”.

GOOGLE IMAGE RESULTS WHEN ADDING THE WORD “BASEBALL”:

  

We’ve already covered Avril’s first pitch endeavors, but what’s striking here are the two teams represented. The Rangers and the Blue Jays were reportedly the finalists for one special Japanese pitcher by the name of  YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU (Crank that Soulja Boy) Darvish. It’s evidenced by this MLBTradeRumors update from 12/11/11. While the Rangers eventually ended up with Darvish, it’s clear that this rivalry has taken itself far beyond the world of CFB. It’s real, people.

What does Yu think of all this?

“baseball very good”

Ooooooooooooooooooooookay then. Moving on.

BASEBALL PLAYER WHOSE NAME IS MOST SIMILAR:

Kelly: Dad (?!?!) Clarkson, RHP for the 1891 New York Giants

Avril: Art LaVigne, C/1B for the 1914 Buffalo Buffeds

FAVORITE CEREAL:

Kelly: Cocoa Puffs

Avril: Cocoa Pebbles

LEAST FAVORITE COUNTY IN WYOMING:

Kelly: Washakie County (Population: 8,289)

Avril: Niobrara County (Population: 2,407)

THE TOOLS: 

Kelly: 8 Raw Vocals, 4 Weight Control, 4 Hair, 6 Depression, + Durability

Avril: 5 Raw Vocals, 8 Sadness, 8 Depression, 7 Hair, Maturity an Issue

IS SHE LIKELY TO READ THIS?

Kelly: No

Avril: No

MAJOR LEAGUE ETA: 

Kelly: Never

Avril: Never

***************************************************************************************************************

CONCLUSION

Jake (Kelly): Kelly Clarkson has lived a life. She rose to the top of the music world only to fall back into the abyss only to climb back out of said abyss back to the top. Her voice has cured disease, put gang wars on hold, and raised both the roof and the debt ceiling. Avril’s best songs (Sk8r Boi, Complicated, and I’m With You) are very good. Kelly has at least 10 songs in that same echelon of loveliness. (Breakaway, Since U Been Gone, Behind These Hazel Eyes, Because of You, Walk Away, Mrs. Independent, A Moment Like This, Stronger, The Trouble With Love Is, and Catch My Breath)

Let me leave you with one last point. If you google “Kelly Clarkson America” you will get this as the top video result. If you were to click on that video you would watch a simple farm girl from Oklahoma turn the Presidential Inauguration into her own personal reclamation concert. Imagine Avril trying to command that moment. She’d wilt like a flower. Those 3 minutes and 16 seconds exemplify what Kelly Clarkson is all about: stage presence, untouchable vocal talent, and pure grace.

Jordan (Avril): It’s incredibly difficult to dispute Kelly’s accolades and accomplishments, so I’m gonna avoid blatantly bashing one of our generation’s more talented musical superstars. However, what Kelly lacks is the true cult following that Avril developed in the early stages of her momentous career. It was a lifestyle that defined a generation of angsty teenage girls that just wanted to wear a tie, break something, or attempt to ride a skateboard. So why, do you ask, am I, a male high school senior, so committed to Avril being superior? It’s about the peak. It’s about her debut album “Let Go” which was released when she was SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD, selling over 16 million copies. It’s about the range of moods that Avril so beautifully expresses through anthems such as “Sk8er Boi” and “Girlfriend”.

“You know that I’m a crazy bitch/ I do what I want when I feel like it”, Avril proclaims in the beginning of her smash hit 2011 single “Smile”. It’s true. She does do what she wants when she feels like it. And sometimes, she feels like writing something a little more serious; a heartbreaking masterpiece entitled “When You’re Gone”. You go watch that music video and try and tell me that all Avril cares about is fucking shit up and “going on a million dates”. The amount of emotions that Avril’s music pulls out of any casual listener is unmatched.

Kelly Clarkson is an amazing singer. Her most successful song, “Breakaway”, is a must-listen for me for pretty much any occasion. Oh, what’s that ? IT WAS WRITTEN BY AVRIL LAVIGNE ?! I rest my case.

***************************************************************************************************************

SO…WHO WINS?

We all do.

The human race has been blessed with these two unbearably fantastic singers. It’s the debate that keeps their legends alive. Make your voice heard. Ask yourself daily: Kelly or Avril? The American Idol sensation whose vocals have carried her to great heights for over a decade? Or the Canadian icon who once beat up a guy in a hot dog costume?

You know the right choice.

#CFB

Advertisements

Trades, Rivalry, and Youk

At first glance, the thought of Kevin Youkilis in a New York Yankees jersey seems wrong. The pinstripes just wouldn’t look right on a man so entrenched in “Red Sox lore”. Along with Dustin Pedroia, Youkilis opened the door for cliché after cliché to be slapped on Red Sox teams. They were gritty, they were gamers, they hustled, and boy were they scrappy. But why exactly does Youk signing with the Yanks feel so wrong to Sox fans? What does this signing have to say about the concept of rivalry? What really makes a fan’s stomach turn when they see a cornerstone of their favorite team sell their soul?

The simple answer is that rivals never trade. Well at least almost never. Take a look at baseball’s three biggest rivalries: Cubs and Cardinals, Dodgers and Giants, Yankees and Red Sox. The statistics are astounding.

The Yankees and Red Sox last traded in 1997; a deal that sent Tony Armas to the Sox in return for Mike Stanley. Other than a small purchase of waivers in 1994 the next deal between the two teams was in 1986 (Don Baylor to the Red Sox). The sports two biggest rivals have only traded twice since 1986. I was negative 9 in 1986. Thats a long time.

The Cards and Cubs last traded in 2002, when the Cubs shipped longtime journeyman pitcher Jeff Fassaro to the Cards for some players to be named later. Before that Todd Zeile got sent to Chi-Town in 1995. And before that was in 1980 when the Cardinals traded for an well-bearded Bruce Sutter. The Cardinals and Cubs have traded thrice since 1980. CNN was founded in 1980. Thats a long time. 

Of all the “rivals” the Giants and Dodgers have the most stingy trade relationship. They last traded in 2007, but the deal was small and was a career bench player traded to LA for a PTBNL. The most recent time before that was 27 years ago Tuesday, as the Dodgers shippedCandy Maldanado to the Giants. Before that it was 1968 when Ron Hunt when from the Dodgers to San Fran. 1968 was before the moon landing. And before that was in 1956 when the Dodgers tried to trade Jackie Robinson to the Giants for porn star Dick Littlefield and $30,000. Just think about how insane that is. Three trades since Jackie Robinson was valued around $30,000. THATS A LONG TIME.

When these rivals don’t trade with each other, it decreases turnover between the teams and increases a sense of continuity amongst the fan base. The lack of interaction between rivals could be interpreted as a lack of communication and hostility or it could just be an unwillingness from the front office to disappoint/alienate the fan base. There must be some sort of influence from the fan base because if it was only about improving the quality of the team on the field, the Dodgers and Giants would have traded more than 4 times since Ike was living it up in the Oval Office. This resistance towards transaction with rivals feeds back into the history between the two clubs, thus reinvigorating the sense of rivalry.

So now that we’ve established that 1956 was a long time ago and that rivals must hold back trading with each other for some reason, lets see why this has anything to do with people feeling sad about Kevin Youkilis. Considering how rare turnover between rival rosters is through trades, it makes the signings like Youk that much more shocking for the fan base. In recent memory each of these three rivalries has had a iconic players swap from one team to the other. All three were All Stars and faces of their respective franchises. And no I’m not talking Jose Vizcaino, Juan Uribe, and Alfredo Aceves.

Three very different players at three different points in their careers. Damon was probably at his peak, Kent just behind it, while Edmonds was pretty much done. It was hard for Giants, Cardinals, and Red Sox fans to see the former faces of their franchise make the conscious and well-thought out decision to play for the rival. Thats what really tugs at the heartstrings; the idea that those players bought into the concept of rivalry only to turn their back on an entire fan base. Of course thats not what the players are thinking at all. They are either trying to make as much money as possible or are just trying to survive one more season in the bigs. And hell, I wouldn’t mind living a year with a few jeers and insults if I was getting payed 12 Million Dollars to do it.

Jake Mintz