Over-analyzing Gerald Laird’s Chest

Yesterday Braves person Elliot Johnson tweeted a picture of two sets of abdominals. He asked Twitter to determine which midsection stood above the other. One set was impressively ripped and chiseled even though it belonged to the seemingly pudgy Dan Uggla. The other set was Gerald Laird. Laird is the backup catcher for the #BARVES and his midsection looks exactly like you think it would.

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This is a stereotypical back up catcher body. You have a protective layer of pudge surrounding everything to protect the innards from harm and baseballs. But beneath the pudge layer and before the innards layer, you find a layer of muscle. If you look closely you can see the lines of his six pac struggling to break free of the pudge layer, but sadly it never will. Gerald Laird has a fantastically strong core, but you’ll never be able to see that because the muscle is forever trapped beneath the layer of pudge.

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Part 8: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

It’s been several months since I’ve done one of these, but going back and looking at the ones I’d stockpiled inspired me to return to this investigative game.

Click here for Part 7. 

TAIJUAN AND TOM WALKER

This is a tough one to discuss without any serious spoilers, but let’s just say Taijuan Walker’s cutter will never be nearly as dangerous as any of the weapons Tom wields during his stint on Homeland. Obvious racial similarities be damned, I can’t be convinced by this link until Taijaun goes missing and becomes a national security threat.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 8%

ADAM MORGAN AND ADAMS MORGAN

Jake did a helpful Venn diagram way back that sums this one up pretty well.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 74%

YORDANO AND ACE VENTURA

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9 Things We Learned at Nationals Park On A Tuesday In June

This past Tuesday, Jake and I attended our first major league baseball game of the 2013 season. We watched the Arizona Diamondbacks lose to the Washington Natitudes 7-5 after nine innings of surprisingly mediocre baseball.

Boring game recaps be damned; here are the nine things we learned from this night of based ballz.

1. Wade Miley Is Almost Definitely Related To Miley Cyrus

During batting practice, we were kindly heckling some Diamondbacks players in right field as they shagged fly balls and probably talked about dirty things. At one point, Ian Kennedy and Wade Miley simultaneously drifted back for a fly ball. Kennedy grabbed it, but it was a near collision. After criticizing for their lack of communication, we finally had Wade’s attention. We had to ask.

“WADE ! ARE YOU RELATED TO MILEY ?!”

“What ?”

“You know…Miley…”

“Oh yeah…she’s my sister.”

Case closed.

2. Trevor Cahill Is Large

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When the D-backs starter for the night emerged from the dugout, we were surprised by the sheer size of him. He’s listed at 6″4 220 lbs but he looked to be the biggest player on the team. Just a big dude.

3. There Is No Minimum Height To Be On the Washington Nationals Grounds Crew

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We were sure this was Jose Altuve just doing some adorable charity work, but it seems to just be some lucky kid tasked with carrying a hose around. Sidenote: The Fox Sports West reporter at the bottom of the picture looked remarkably unhappy for the entire game.

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Dad Goes Yard: A Baseball Journey

“Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.” – Sandlot.

Every baseball career is, at some point, supposed to come to an end. For my dad, that year was 1978. After his senior year on the JFK High School varsity baseball team, he knew that he would probably never step back onto the diamond for a competitive game of ball. He knew it was time to hang em up and focus on things he was way better at. It turns out that Richard Mintz’s career wasn’t over that fateful day in 1978. He would have one last moment in the sun.

Hall of Fame Bound

I play for a baseball team called the Tenleytown Brewers. We play in an adult wood bat baseball league in the Washington DC Area. We have a roster of about 15 guys, but most nights we usually scrape by with nine dudes. The teams we play consist of guys trying to hold on to their dreams, which is equally depressing as it is entertaining. Last night was Saturday night, and considering that the majority of our roster is made up of guys in their early to mid 20’s who had better things to be doing on a Saturday night, we were short a player.

I called our coach, RJ, who also happens to be our third baseman and relief pitcher, to see if my dad would be needed to fill in as our ninth guy. He texted back: “We. Need. Richard.” So I gave dad the biggest pair of baseball pants I could find and we hopped in the car and drove out to McLean, VA.

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Part 7: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

The Best. 

Click here for Part 6. 

MICHAEL AND DELMON YOUNG

These similarly terrible baseball players joined forces this year to bring defensive incompetence to the Phillies and have looked incredibly smooth doing so. While Delmon might lack the #class that Michael possesses, he makes up for it when it comes to weak groundouts to the infield and a polarizing presence at the plate. It really is hard to deny the moral differences between these two. they both appreciate negative WAR more than any other name-sharing couple in the majors and that has to count for something.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 61%

EVAN AND EVA LONGORIA

I’m just gonna assume that one of their birth dates is a lie and these two are quite obviously twins. I also assume that their parents names are also Eva and Evan, and that they couldn’t be happier about the immense success of their children. Evan is often embarrassed about his twin sister, and doesn’t like talking about her. Eva tries her best to stay connected but Evan, being the stubborn brother, just wants to do his own thing. I don’t blame him. God Bless the Longorias.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 98%

GORDON AND DAVID BECKHAM

Once referred to as “a right-handed Chase Utley”, Gordon has been less than stellar in his stint as a major leaguer. Gordon might have more career homers than David, but everyone’s favorite/least favorite futbol star crushes Gordon when it comes to underwear advertisements and Being Married To A Spice Girl. The physical comp is intriguing; they’re both about 6″0 185 lbs. There is long lost brother potential here, although I’d imagine if David was Gordon’s older brother, their parents would be kind enough to tell Gordon that he at least has some financial security once he realizes he can’t hit major league pitching.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 44%

Part 6: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

This is how all umpires should call third strikes. 

Click here for Part 5. 

TREVOR AND JACK BAUER

These are two crafty individuals that not many people fully understand. While Jack Bauer has saved the entire nation on multiple occasions, Trevor has yet to record a save in his entire career in pro ball. This clearly works against this attempt at relation, but I still have hope. They both spend a lot of time with people pointing guns at them and they both enjoy long walks on the beach and cold pizza. Jack is much more in control when the going gets tough, while Trevor can panic in a hurry.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 31%

JASON AND THE CHESAPEAKE BAY

Neither can hit a baseball, but while one economically crippled an entire baseball team the other is the centerpiece of an entire state’s economy. Much like the Chesapeake, Jason’s FanGraphs page of late is full of absolute garbage. While the Chesapeake’s career as a body of water has remained the same for over 400 years, Jason has struggled to maintain production for longer than four or five. There are obvious similarities, but it’s not for sure.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 53%

MICHAEL AND JASON BOURN(E)

“But it’s not even spelled the same!”, you might protest. These are two absurdly fast individuals who excel at stealing things without getting caught. Sure, Jason has to deal with the entire European police force on a daily basis, but don’t act like Michael stealing on Yadier Molina isn’t just as dangerous. One might also point out that Jason Bourne isn’t even his real name oh wait did I just spoil the entire series for you whooooooooooooooops

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 82%