Part 5: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Click here for Part 4.

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WILLIE AND NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Can we first just notice that Willie’s bat in that picture has Francisco Cordero’s name on it and discuss the implications of that? How unprepared was Willie for his picture day that he had to get a customized bat from another player that also happens to be a relief pitcher? Like WHAT ?! Anyway, this one is a serious stretch. Interracial is doable when it comes to ATR’s, but once you start measuring career accomplishments, it gets a little foggy. While Neil was named one of Time Magazine’s 100 most influential people in 2010, Willie was busy finishing up his time as a National with an abysmal .653 OPS. The immense difference in overall success between these two is the most telling factor.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 2%

JOHN AND RONALD McDONALD

As usual, the poses are essential in evaluating the connection. John is now with the Pirates, filling the super utility role with #grace and #sparkle. But has John inspired/scared/helped millions of people worldwide? Most definitely not. Ronald has touched kids lives across the nation in more ways that we want to know, and he has the clear edge when it comes to universal impact. In 2003, Ronald was given the “Chief Happiness Officer” of McDonald’s Corporation. Also in 2003, John slugged .280 as an Indian. Yeah, no.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 9%

BRANDON AND THE LINGERIE FOOTBALL LEAGUE

Do we really need to debate this? I guess it’s a bit hard to comprehend that Brandon is related to every single shameless girl that plays in this league. But as a whole, this is as clear as ever. Brandon is that crazy reliever with the crazier tattoos and the craziest hair. The Lingerie Football League is that crazy league with the crazier football and the craziest rules. Case closed.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 99.99999%

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Part 4: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

This is what baseball is like in Japan.

Part 1.

Part 2.

Part 3.

MARK AND MR. ROGERS

Not gonna lie, I don’t know very much about Brewers pitcher Mark Rogers other than that he tested positive twice for DRUGZ and was suspended for 25 games in 2011. Wikipedia also tells me he was drafted 5th overall in 2004, one pick after the beautiful Jeff Niemann. It’s hard to imagine anyone even distantly related to the unbearably nice Mr. Rogers breaking any sort of rule in any situation, so I’m gonna put this one pretty low.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 12%

STARLIN AND FIDEL CASTRO

While Starlin remains incredibly young and most likely unable to grow the type of facial hair that Fidel possesses, there are definite similarities here. It’s no coincidence that that helmet that Starlin wears every year has the letter C on it (this is a reference to the word/name Cuba, which happens to be Fidel’s area of expertise (you have to really dig deep to see this stuff)). Fidel is/was not one to care about what is/was going on in the world around him, much like our favorite Chicago “shortstop” in this little sequence of events. It’s far from certain, but I’m liking this match.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 32%

IAN AND MARTHA STEWART

If we’re judging this based on their arm-crossing techniques, there’s a legitimate chance that these two are long lost twins. Unfortunately, there are other factors in play. Also many would notice that the fingers on Martha’s left hand rest slightly on her right bicep. Ian wouldn’t stand for that shit, because he needs to hide his glove. While Martha has struggled to stay out of legal trouble, she’s climbed her way back to a personal net worth of an astounding $638 MILLION. This number is suspiciously close to Ian’s OPS from last year for the dreadful Cubs: .633. Did you know Martha Stewart used to babysit for Mickey Mantle’s kids? BASEBALL CONNECTION MAKES ALL OTHER POINTS INVALID.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 61%

Part 3: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Roy Oswalt says hello.

Part 1.

Part 2.

A.J. AND PETER GRIFFIN

Extremely similar body types, both wear glasses, and I think we can safely assume Peter would wear number 64 if he played baseball. One might point out that Peter is a fictional character, making it impossible to truly relate him to the young Oakland starter with the nasty curveball. In this case, I think there are enough uncanny similarities to at least wonder if their parents are second cousins or something. I’m open to being convinced otherwise.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 47%

TYRELL AND LEEROY JENKINS

I like a good challenge. Here we have the high-ceiling Cardinals pitching prospect whose Twitter handle is @BrothaJenkins, and arguably the most famous character in video game history. If you haven’t seen the video, just click on LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY’s name above. Sure, Tyrell can spin a pretty sick breaking ball. But could he do what Leeroy did in that legendary moment of WoW? Probably not. That takes a special kind of blood that I’m not sure Tyrell has proved he has yet. The potential is there, but I’m not buying it yet.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 16%

BRAUN RAZORS, EVA BRAUN AND RYAN BRAUN

A brand of inanimate objects, the former wife of Adolf Hitler, and one of the best players in baseball who happens to be a Jew.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 1000000%

Part 2: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Aramis’ reaction upon hearing that Carly Rae and Kevin are related.

Round two, everyone. We’ve got some good ones today. Click here for part uno.

ANDRELTON AND BILL SIMMONS

Awesome shortstop with an incredible 6th tool and a pretentious overwhelmingly famous writer from BAHSTON. I have a hard time putting much effort into trying to relate these two guys, since I’m such a huge Andrelton fan and can’t stand anything Bill Simmons even mutters about baseball. I’m gonna go low on this one.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: -24%

VERNON AND H.G. WELLS

Vernon, as properly portrayed in the picture above, is a struggling fourth outfielder who is making a HILARIOUS amount of money for doing pretty much nothing of use on the baseball field. You can point to the obvious balding of both of these influential men and start to wonder if they have the same great grandparents. Unfortunately, it seems unlikely seeing as H.G., commonly referred to as “The Father of Science Fiction” (and I strongly doubt Vernon has much interest in that genre), was born a little over a century before our favorite replacement-level player was brought into this world.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 7%

KEVIN AND CARLY RAE JEPSEN

This one seems pretty easy. You see the blue-ish green-ish eyes and you just KNOW these two are cousins. While the Angels right-hander isn’t known for his legendary cult pop songs such as Carly’s “Call Me Maybe”, it’s easy to look at his determined face and sense that there are some untapped vocal skills hidden deep down.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 91%

Part 1: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Glen Perkins is not amused.

We all learned when we were younger than not everyone with the same last name is related. That would be crazy.

Or is it?

Today, we begin looking at some players with extremely fortunate last names and do our best to try and figure out if they’re related to certain other non-baseball things/people around this wonderful planet we call Earth. Let’s get to work.

DANIEL AND JENNIFER HUDSON

This is a tough one. Daniel is a 6″4 white baseball player from Virginia and Jennifer is a probably shorter strong independent black woman who almost won American Idol. If you look closely, you can see some similarities that may hint to some distantly connected roots, such as them both having eyes and noses. Other than that, not much here.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 3%

ALICIA AND THE FREDERICK KEYS

It’s often difficult to trace the blood back from an entire Minor League Baseball organization, especially when you’re aiming for a billion time Grammy Award Winner that was born in 1981. I’m doubtful of this one.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 8%

BUD AND CHUCK NORRIS

Bud is currently the highest paid player on the Houston Astros at a healthy 3 million bucks for the 2013 season. He’s probably gonna get traded but he’s still pretty awesome. But is he as awesome as CHUCK NORRIS ? I don’t know, at least probably not enough to be related. Chuck is a devout Christian, and Bud’s Cross necklace is rather prominent in that action shot of him. Did you know Chuck Norris’ real first name is Carlos ? You do now. Anyway, I’m skeptical.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 12% 

Are They Related: Presidents

Bill Clinton Lumberkings

Yesterday was presidents day. To celebrate, Cespedes Family Barbecue did the only thing we knew how to do: Pun.

ARE THEY RELATED

Lew and Gerald Ford

Levon and George Washington

Edwin and Andrew Jackson

Randy and Andrew Johnson

Matt and George Bush

John and Mike Adams

Matt and William Henry Harrison

Steve and Franklin Pierce

ASSORTED PUNS

Leonys Martin Van Buren

Russell Martin Van Buren

Nick Franklin Pierce

James Madison Bumgarner

John Tyler Matzek

Zachary Taylor Teagarden

Bill Clinton Lumberkings

Chad James Buchanan

Ulysses S. Grant Balfour

Chester A. Arthur Rhodes

Ronald Reagan Guzman