Oakland Athletics Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Athletics BP Top 10 Prospects.

Suzuki and Inge write-ups come to us courtesy of our most recent podcast guest and good friend, Jason Wojciechowski. Follow him on Twitter @jlwoj and go listen to his mediocre jokes on our less than mediocre podcast. 

System Quote: “Yes time travel is possible. Will explain later.”

Oakland Athletics Top Ten:

  1. HD Baker
  2. Kurt Suzuki Puka Shells
  3. Jose Canseco
  4. Mike Piazza
  5. Cespedes “Grass and Dirt”
  6. Brandon Inge
  7. Jeremy Hermida
  8. Matt Holliday
  9. Brian Fuentes
  10. Jemile Weeks

Screen Shot 2013-11-11 at 3.57.12 PM1. HD Baker

 Size: M

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $9.99

 eBay Description: “I don’t know who “HD Baker” is.  The back screen-printing is subtly different than the front screen-printing so I’m guessing this is a custom shirt, or a Little League shirt or something of that nature.  But if you want an obscure A’s t-shirt you have some to the right place.”

The Tools: 8 derp, 6 awesomeness, 8 player obscurity, 5 design/color scheme, 7 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Hard to say, considering HD Baker is not a person.

Strengths: A customized shirsey that someone no longer wants is nothing short of a treasure. The shirt strayed from its original buyer and somehow wound up in the arms of a man or woman with an eBay account. A quick Google search reveals that HD Baker is not a thing nor has it ever been a thing. Searches on Bing, Yahoo!, Zappos, and LinkedIn also come up blank. A mystery HD Baker is and a mystery he (or she) will remain. Just tell all your friends that you misspelled HR Baker, the greatest home run hitter in the 1900’s. Baker was so good at hitting home runs that they renamed him Home Run. Where were we…

Weaknesses: Purchasing this shirsey means you’ll have to explain its meaning over and over. Considering you don’t actually know the meaning behind it, that seems like a drag. The mystery surrounding this shirt also has the downside that you have no idea where it’s been. Basement, brothel, sheep’s vagina; all legitimate hypotheses as to the previous location of this shirt. Maybe HD stands for High Definition… wait no that doesn’t make sense either.

Overall Future Potential: 7; Home Run Baker was a legend

Realistic Role: 4; you end up confusing the crap out of your friends

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; depended on the reading ability of the people around you.

The Year Ahead: I literally don’t know. HD Baker? What?

Wardrobe ETA: Right now. Buy it right now.

Screen Shot 2013-11-11 at 4.02.48 PM2. Kurt Suzuki Puka Shells

 Size: M

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $19.99 Buy It Now/$4.99 Starting Bid + $3.50 shipping

 eBay Description: “Suzuki and Oakland have had a reunion for the playoff run and this is your chance to support the team.”

 The Tools: 8 raw derp, 6 awesomeness, 6 player obscurity, 6 design/color scheme, 6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Suzuki had his second straight garbage year at the plate and met with the indignity of being traded to a playoff contender in August to paper over an injury-riddled catcher situation and to receive absolutely zero playing time once the real players got healthy. Luckily, said playoff contender was Oakland, which is the only MLB city where anybody would be happy to see him.

Strengths: The puka shells are the real standout here. Pre-accessorized clothing can’t help but kill. It’s inherently strong. And pre-puka’d clothing is easy plus-plus. Also green and gold are the best colors in baseball.

Weaknesses: So why only a 6 awesomeness grade instead of an 8? Because pre-accessorized clothing is also inherently awful. It kills, yes, but the main thing it kills is your chance at positive attention from members of your preferred sex. Normally this simultaneous 8/2 situation would balance out to a 5, but we’re talking puka shells here. Puka shells! So it’s …

Overall Future Potential: … a low 6. Nostalgia-kitsch use is the main approved function, though it can also be worn once a year when he’s traded back to the A’s in August. Nobody else will wear this shirt. That’s somethin’.

Realistic Role: Also low 6. There is a 0% chance of this shirsey not reaching its potential. It’s a pre-finished product.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low. I just said. Christ, you people sometimes.

The Year Ahead: Suzuki won’t re-sign with the A’s, so unless he ends up in San Diego or something, there aren’t going to be more puka-shell shirts produced. Oh, the player? Who knows. He’s a catcher. He’ll go somewhere.

Wardrobe ETA: Tomorrow. The auction ended. Nobody even bid $5. E-mail the seller and it’s yours.

Screen Shot 2013-11-11 at 4.07.28 PM3. Jose Canseco

 Size: M

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $17.99

 eBay Description: Literally nothing

 The Tools: 6+ derp, 5 awesomeness, 5 player obscurity, 7 design/color scheme, 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Jose Canseco used Twitter to further cement his legacy as a legitimate crazy person. Posting disturbing pictures like this, this, and sadly even this, will get you to crazy person level.

Strengths: Like Canseco himself, the name/number/logo are almost too huge and barely fit the jersey. Despite questionable characteristics, Canseco was a pretty badass player. The darker green pairs swimmingly with the gold to provide a classic yet refreshing square dance of the rainbow. 33 is a plus-plus number.

Weaknesses: People may criticize you for wearing a shirt associated with such a vilde chaya. The oversized logo on the front is huge as is and may get even larger as it ages and develops. Concerns about the body are valid.

Overall Future Potential: 6; the dark green makes the other tools up

Realistic Role: Low 5; second division shirsey

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; unpredictability in regards to player, size of logo on front

The Year Ahead: Unfortunately, Canseco’s unpredictability is a double edged sword. While his posts about poop are hilarious and entertaining, it’s a legitimate possibility that you open the newspaper tomorrow morning and the headline reads “FORMER BASEBALL PLAYER CANSECO ARRESTED FOR STEALING 17 VENDING MACHINES FROM LOCAL OLD FOLKS HOME.” Whether his reckless approach acts as a benefit or a detriment has yet to be seen, but it is certain that Canseco is a shirsey to watch.

Wardrobe ETA: Whenever he gets arrested.

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Passionate Curveballs By Big Poop

If you don’t know who Big Poop is, go listen to our podcast. The following is his email/poem from a couple weeks ago titled passionate curveballs:

The sky was an ocean without waves, the waters still calm, save for a rogue ripple of a cloud, sailing slowly overhead.

“A lion” says Jose Fernandez, young stud phenom pitcher for the Miami Marlins, flashing his 80 grade smile, “it looks like a lion”
I smile and take a bite of the strawberry his fingers brought elegantly in front of my face. “You know, it does look like a lion.”
Jose’s grin remains and he finishes off the strawberry, which his immaculate hands still held. “Big Poop, I got you something” he says, boyishly breaking our eye contact. He reaches into his pocket and produces a small charm bracelet.
My eyes moisten as I put the trinket on. “Thank you so much Jose, I will cherish this forever”. We embrace each other for some time, our bodies melting together as a love cocoon, and after several moments of listening to the sounds of each others hearts beating, that love emerged as a butterfly.
I lay looking at Jose’s bronzed chest. He truly is immaculate in every way. I try to stifle my anticipation, but eventually I succumb, and scream for Jose to give me the curveball…
But alas, he only gives me the dick, and even in my disappointment, I am satisfied.

#OBP

The #Barves Are Moving

The Atlanta Barves are moving north to a new stadium that will be ready for opening day 2017.

After doing 2 minutes of research on the socioeconomic geography of Atlanta I’ve come to a conclusion. The Braves are moving from this Atlanta:

 

To this Atlanta:

 

 

#BARVES

Episode 14: Heart, Hustle, and Pretzels

a thousand jemiles

Episode 14 of the Barbecast has arrived in the form of Jemile Weeks jokes and a whole lot of talk about baseball player names from the 19th century. We laughed about Pretzels Getzien for about ten minutes. Our special guest this week is baseball lawyer extraordinaire  Jason Wojiewjcokwciwjcokwjcokwhokchwokchwokchscjichowski of Twitter dot com fame. We talked to the Woj about Jemile Weeks, the Oakland Athletics, and more unfortunate baseball names including PUDDIN’ HEAD JONES. We like Woj a lot and you should too. E-mails include another brilliant appearance from Napolean Bookbindery, Edmundo, and NaNoWriMo ideas from Big Poop. Baseball talk was Jake making me guess which player from each team won the HEART AND HUSTLE AWARD. No, seriously. Tales from LogDog with Lana Berry was the same thing. Lana got more right than I did :( Jake’s Varsity Baseball Update is an exciting one, as JAKE MADE THE TEAM YAY JAKE ha no he’s not actually on the team yet. But encouraging news is shared. Thanks for listening. Rate and review us for a chance to win our love and respect <3

iTunes link: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cespedes-family-barbecue-cespedes/id683535357

Link to all previous podcasts: https://cespedesfamilybarbecue.com/the-barbecast-cfb-podcast/

Tweeterz: https://twitter.com/CespedesBBQ

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/CespedesFamilyBBQ

Click here for the RSS feed

Seattle Mariners Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Mariners BP Top 10 Prospects.

System Quote: “When I get a little money I buy books; and if any is left I buy food and shirseys”.

Seattle Mariners Top Ten:

  1. Don Wakamatsu
  2. Felix signed by Taijuan Walker
  3. Spring Training Ackley
  4. Derpy Jay Buhner
  5. Tie Dye Ichiro
  6. Gaylord Perry
  7. Green Chone Figgins
  8. A-Rod
  9. Jarrod Washburn
  10. Kenji Jojihma

Screen Shot 2013-11-04 at 2.52.24 PM  1. Don Wakamatsu

  Size: XXL

  Current Status: Available for purchase

  Website: eBay

  Price: $8.00 + $7.00 Shipping

  eBay Description: “You are bidding on a D.Wakamatsu tshirt.”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 6 potential color scheme/design, 6 price

What Happened To The Player in 2013: Wakamatsu served as a professional talent scout for the New York Yankees and just two short weeks ago the Kansas City Royals hired him as a bench couch.

Strengths: You’ll be the only kid in school with a Don Wakamatsu Mariners shirt, I can promise you that.

Weaknesses: You’ll be the only kid in school with a Don Wakamatsu Mariners shirt, I can promise you that. And you’re probably a bit overweight (XXL).

Overall Future Potential: 8; Hall of Fame potential

Realistic Role: High 6; perennial all-star shirsey

Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium Risk; Wakamatsu could get another managerial job.

The Year Ahead: If Wakamatsu does a good job doing whatever the hell bench coaches do, he might be able to get another managerial position next year which would make this shirsey a bit less awesome. But if Donny boy continues doing Don Wakamatsu things then this shirt has a chance to be elite for a long, long time.

Wardrobe ETA: 2014


Screen Shot 2013-11-04 at 2.36.33 PM2. Felix Hernandez Signed by Taijuan Walker (and Brian Hunter)

  Size: Youth M
  Current Status: Available for purchase
  Website: eBay
  Price: $8.99 + $4.01 Shipping

eBay Description: “Washed”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 7 awesomeness; 2/4/7 player obscurity; 5+ future color scheme/design;  6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Well, Felix had another stellar season of pitching baseballs until Carlos Peguero’s wife stole a bunch of money from him and then HIS HOUSE CAUGHT ON FIRE. Taijuan Walker also had an awesome season, reaching the majors towards the end of the year while managing to avoid financial fraud. Brian Hunter hasn’t played professional baseball in 10 years and why in the actual shit did he sign this shirt I have absolutely no idea. Maybe it’s not the Brian Hunter who played one season for the Mariners in 1999…or the one the played one season in 1996. Does it matter? Maybe some guy named Brian Hunter ran up to the person getting this shirsey signed by Taijuan Walker and just ambush-autographed it. No clue.

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Houston Astros Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Astros BP Top 10 Prospects.

System Quote: “The best time to wear a striped sweater, is all the time.”

Houston Astros Top Ten:

  1. Hunter Pence Double Printed Shirsey
  2. Kaz Matsui
  3. Brad “Lights-out” Lidge
  4. Roger Clemens
  5. Bud Norris
  6. 80 #Want
  7. Lance Berkman
  8. Carlos Lee
  9. Roy Oswalt
  10. J.D. Martinez

Screen Shot 2013-11-03 at 6.12.29 PM  1. Hunter Pence Double Printed Shirsey

  Size: M

  Current Status: Sold

  Website: eBay

  Price: $8.00 + $4.95 Shipping

 eBay Description: “The Medium is a missprint, having the whole decal from the back “Pence  9” printed on the front and the back along with the “Houston 9”

 The Tools: 8 derp; 8 not on team anymore; 4 player obscurity; 5 potential design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened To The Player in 2013: As a derpy scruffy old guy, Hunter Pence put up pretty good numbers for the Giants. He then signed a 5-year, $90 bajillion dollar contract ensuring he won’t be back on the Astros any time soon.

Strengths: First thing that jumps out at you is the double printing on the front of the shirt. Very rare to see such a trait in a shirsey. Most shirts only have the name on the back. This has it on the front and back. True two-way shirt. Top of the line oddity. Good, but not great price hindered by high shipping costs. Expected due to placement on ebay.

Weaknesses: Player relatively well known/still producing at a high level in the major leagues. Despite top end tools, placement on ebay always raises questions about makeup due to disagreements with the shirt’s previous owner(s). The old Astros color scheme feels outdated and uncool right now, but has the projection to be a hot commodity on the market.

Overall Future Potential:  7; one of the best shirts in the game.

Realistic Role: High 6; well above-average shirsey

Risk Factor/Injury History: High risk due to unknown nature of the second shirt and usual question marks that come with eBay.

The Year Ahead: Recently shipped off to a new owner, this shirsey should become a huge part of that owner’s life fairly quickly.

Wardrobe ETA: 2014


2. Kaz Matsui

  Size: Unknown
  Current Status: Owned by @leistomania93
  Website: Twitter
  Price: Ask @leistomania93

 

The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 5 future design/color Scheme

What Happened To The Player in 2013: Matsui played for the Japanese team in the World Baseball Classic. He may or may not have done things in the NPB this year for the Rakuten Eagles. No one is sure.

Strengths: The derp and the player obscurity on this shirt are great. It’s fairly easy to find a Kaz Matsui Mets shirsey, but finding one of Astros ilk is rare indeed. Kaz Matsui always inspires a chuckle in the gut, and I’m sure the lucky owner of this shirt has more gut chuckles than the average fellow.

Weaknesses: Like many of the older Astros shirseys, this scheme is lackluster and uninspiring. Worst aspect is that the shirt is already owned and therefore probably not up for sale. 

Overall Future Potential:  High 6; potential to ruin several dates for the owner 

Realistic Role: 6; occasional all-star shirsey

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low risk. Already out of MLB. 

The Year Ahead: If Kaz Matsui can do something insane like appear on a Japanese game show that goes viral or eats Ichiro then this shirt’s stock could rise. More likely that it stays put.

Wardrobe ETA: 2013

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