Shingo, Fukodome, Podsednik, and Garcia write-ups are courtesy of Matt Adams (no, not that Matt Adams). Matt is a writer for the blog Southside Showdown and you can follow him on Twitter @2014WhiteSox.
System Quote: “One must not let oneself be overwhelmed by sadness.”
White Sox Top Ten:
- Shingo Takatsu
- Albert Belle
- Carlos Quentin America
- Fukudome
- Philip Humber
- Brian Anderson
- Scott Podsednik
- Freddy Garcia
- Baby Buehrle
- Orlando Cabrera
Size: L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $28.99
eBay Description: “MENS-LADIES-CHICAGO WHITE SOX-TAKATSU-10-BLACK SHIRT-L”
The Tools: 6 derp; 5+ awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 3 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: He gong! Shingo is gone but not forgotten as far as MLB action goes, but 2013 marked his return as a civilian as he found the time to show up to the White Sox Social Media Lounge at U.S. Cellular Field to sport some White Sox sunglasses and make all the kids ask “who is that guy?”
Strengths: Marked as a Mens-Ladies, it switch hits itself into a wonderful tandem gift for your favorite White Sox loving couple.
Weaknesses: When sharing a semi-classic White Sox shirsey with your love, there is no clear platoon split. There are 7 days in a week and that’s an odd number. Something’s gotta give.
Overall Future Potential: 6; can confuse everybody for approximately one year. “How does he look so good?” they will ask. Ultimately they will realize…you don’t.
Realistic Role: 5; can flip those with those Frisbees up there but not going to give you much more than that.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; can’t hurt a low-mileage shoulder that’s sitting idly on the shelf.
The Year Ahead: Purchasing an MLB.TV plan like the rest of us.
Wardrobe ETA: 2010. Full disclosure: I own a Shingo jersey as a hand-me-down (hand-me-up?) from my little sister (Mens-Ladies!). It is 2-3 sizes too small which plays up the derp considerably.
Size: L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $13.74
eBay Description: “Shirts are pre-owned and may show signs of being old school.”
The Tools: 5+ derp; 6+ awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: No one is quite sure but most think that Belle spends his time pushing over old people at his local country club.
Strengths: If you want to be a badass who doesn’t give a flying shit, then this is your shirt. This shirt warns those around you named Fernando to get the hell out of the way. Great price for product. Doubles as a below average Beauty and the Beast costume for those who don’t know much about baseball.
Weaknesses: Questionable makeup questions. Shirt has the potential to tear or rip at any point without warning. Don’t speak poorly about the shirt because it will come back at you in the media.
Overall Future Potential: Low 7; shirt could throw some blows. “F some S up” as the kids say.
Realistic Role: Low 5; you’ll be amazed by it at first, but you’ll soon realize how angry it makes you.
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; despite granting you mental invincibility, the violent rages that this shirt could send you into are undeniably dangerous.
The Year Ahead: Just tryna stay outta trouble.
Wardrobe ETA: *punches space-time continuum*
Size: L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $19.99 + $ 5.99
eBay Description: “Look great in this White Sox player t-shirt from Majestic”
The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 3/7 design/color scheme depending on HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THIS COUNTRY; 4+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Carlos finished his first full season with the Padres by playing another half season with the Padres after his half-season in 2012 with the Padres. Yeah. That’s what he did.
Strengths: I called Carlos Quentin asking for a quote on the shirt. This was his response: “No one loves America more than Carlos god damn Quentin and don’t you forget it. Oh, and screw you Greinke. You broke my collarbone. I didn’t whine like a baby like you though. Also, #FollowMort.”
Weaknesses: Any America related merchandise is a sad attempt by MLB to sell you shit you just don’t ever need. Advertised as a stars and stripes jersey, the shirt seems to focus more on the stars part of that. Shirsey is too dependent on American holidays to maintain relevance. Is this shirsey really a subtle attempt to remove the thirteen original colonies from the greater United States to form their own country called Quentinia? Probably not, but a man can dream.
Overall Future Potential: 6; when Quentin hits a homer on an American holiday, you’ll probably be on TV.
Realistic Role: 4; you’ll look dumb
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; considering America could fall apart any minute now, this jersey is a high risk. If America crumbles, so does the value of this shirsey.
The Year Ahead: If America can reassert itself as a confident and influential world power on a global level, this shirsey could gain traction. If the perception of America around the world continues to spiral downward then we could see a steep drop in the number of Carlos Quentin Stars and Stripes shirseys sold.
Wardrobe ETA: July 4th, 1776
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CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 