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Jonathan Broxton Is Fat

by jakemintz

Two men. One pant.

Here are some facts

  • This is a picture of Tim Collins and Everett Teaford fitting into one pair of Jonathan Broxotn’s pants.
  • Collins is 5″7, 170 pounds. Teaford is 5″11, 157 pounds. Broxton is 6″4, 300 pounds.
  • Jonathan Broxton was traded mid-season. I hope his pants were too.
  • Those are some huge pants.
  • I don’t know who Everett Teaford is.
  • Jonathan Broxton is fat.

Enjoy your monday.

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=22947691&topic_id=&c_id=mlb&tcid=vpp_copy_22947691&v=3

Potential Logjams: Mariners

by jakemintz

Mariners DH/1B/C: John Jaso, Jesus Montero, Kendrys Morales,  Justin Smoak.

The current Mariners depth chart has Montero behind the dish with Morales at DH and Smoak at first. This leaves Jaso on the bench. This plan has a major issue: Jesus Montero’s defense. The problem with Jesus Montero’s defense is that it is awful, as bad as it gets. I was watching an Orioles-Mariners game with my mother. She turned to me and asked why the Seattle catcher looked so silly. It’s that bad. The late Gary Carter rolls over in his grave whenever Montero gets into his crouch. His name might be Jesus, but his defensive ability is sinful.

The Mariners cannot play Montero at catcher for 100 games and expect positive results. Montero’s position is hitter and the Mariners will probably come to grips with this at some point this year. They must platoon Montero with Jaso at least half the time as to not be completely killed by Montero’s defense. Putting Jaso at catcher moves Jesus to DH because Montero’s bat needs to be in the lineup. This is where the real problem comes to life. Morales or Smoak?

If the Mariners are ready to declare Smoak a bust, this makes everything easier. This doesn’t seem to be the case though, but trading for Morales was a warning to Smoak, that if he doesn’t start fulfilling the potential he had when the Mariners got him in the Cliff Lee deal, he won’t continue to play on a regular basis. Morales and Smoak should split at bats at the start of the season, but if Smoak doesn’t pick it up as the season wears on expect the M’s to play Morales more regularly.

This logjam doesn’t even take into account Jason Bay and Raul Ibanez, both signed this offseason, both old, both incapable of playing defense. The Mariners could be a suprise contender if they play their hand right, but if not they end up giving too much playing time to defensively inept guys like Montero, Bay, and Ibanez.

New Years Resolutions

by jakemintz

So now that the excitement of balls dropping is over, its time to talk new years resolutions. I asked a player on each team around the league about their new years resolutions. The answers were startlingly beautiful and I thought I would share them with you. Keep in mind that all of these are about as real as Dee Gordon’s power potential.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Willie Bloomquist

  • Willie’s New Years Resolution is to find out what the hell a Didi Gregorius is.

Atlanta Braves: Andrelton Simmons

  • Andrelton just wants to find a jockstrap big enough to satisfy his needs.

Baltimore Orioles: Pedro Strop

  • Pedro has decided to wear his hat like a regular human being.

Boston Red Sox: Mo Vaughn

  • Mo’s gonna lose some weight this year.

Chicago Cubs: David DeJesus

  • As “The-Jesus”, David is looking forward to his holy New Years Resolutions, which include turning water to wine, saving lost souls, and helping the Astros win 60 games.

Chicago White Sox: Chris Sale

  • Chris Sale is going to continue trying to become eligible for Tommy John.

Cincinnati Reds: Todd Frazier

  • Todd just wants to let Scott Rolen know that he’s sorry.

Cleveland Indians: Jason Kipnis

  • Jason wants to be not living in Cleveland by year’s end.

Colorado Rockies: Michael Cuddyer

  • Michael’s resolution is to show that he’s a strong independant man that don’t need no UZR

Detroit Tigers: Miguel Cabrera

  • Miggy’s resolution is to stop WAR in its tracks.

Houston Astros: Carlos Pena

  • Carlos just wants to hit some homers and doesn’t give a crap about anything else.

Kansas City Royals: Alex Gordon

  • Alex said “I’m looking forward to welcoming new teammate Wil My–” *holds back tears* “– er sorry” He stammered “I meant James Shields… not… Will… Myers…” 

Los Angeles Dodgers: Clayton Kershaw

  • Clayton is planning to find out what Brandon League could have possibly done to deserve 21.5 Million.

Miami Marlins: Logan Morrison

  • LoMo’s resolution is to raise his OPS above his DTAPP (Daily Tweets At Probably Prostitutes)

Milwaukee Brewers: Ricky Weeks

  • Along with his brother in Oakland, Ricky is planning to “parent trap” Major League Baseball itself.

Minnesota Twins: Aaron Hicks

  • Aaron’s resolution is to be just like his mentors Ben Revere and Denard Span and get the hell out of Minnesota.

New York Mets: Johan Santana

  • Johan swears he won’t throw 134 pitches in a game again, even if he’s in the middle of a no hitter.

New York Yankees: Mark Teixeira

Oakland Athletics: Yoenis Cespedes

  • Yoenis told me he wanted to plan a family dinner online, but was having some trouble setting up a website. I felt bad letting him know that the domain cespedesfamilybarbecue.com was taken.

Philadelphia Phillies: Michael Young

  • Michael is looking forward to leaving Texas and bringing his 80 Class to Philly, where his talent-to-intangibles ratio fits in better with the team, as well as the city.

Pittsburgh Pirates: A.J. Burnett

  • A.J.’s claims he’s going to turn over a new leaf this season and only get 6 new tattoos.

St. Louis Cardinals: Oscar Tavares

  • OSCAR WANTS TO SWING BAT FAST.

San Diego Padres: Chase Headley

  • Chase Headley is set on proving that he doesn’t need a smaller Petco to terrify you with a wooden stick and his mind.

San Francisco Giants: Angel Pagan

  • The Giants’ center fielder will devote most of his time towards finding out whether he is angel, pagan, human, or dancer.

Seattle Mariners: John Jaso

  • After being traded for a rapist, John’s goal is to be traded to a more offensive friendly ballpark, for someone without a criminal record.

Tampa Bay Rays: David Price

  • Price wants to find his dog, Astro, a significant other. Price’s dog is excited to be the second best Astro in Major League Baseball.

Texas Rangers: Ron Washington

  • Ron’s resolution is a two-pronged plan. He is either going to personally bring Michael Young back to Arlington or he is going to trade himself to the Philies for the ghost of Juan Pierre and a cheesesteak.

The The Angels Angels of Anaheim: CJ Wilson

  • This year CJ promised himself he would just chill out and relax.

Toronto Blue Jays: Emilio Bonifacio

  • Emilio just wants you to remember that he exists.

Washington Nationals: Jayson Werth

  • Jayson swore that he would try his best to evacuate the letter “Y” from his first name.

Trade Swag: Jays Get the Dickey

by jakemintz

The Blue Jays are overpaying to get R.A. Dickey, but are doing so at the perfect time.

The Toronto Blue Jays trade C Travis D’Arnaud, P Noah Syndergaard, C John Buck, and an unnamed prospect to the New York Mets for P R.A. Dickey, C Josh Thole, and an unnamed prospect.

The Toronto Blue Jays are going for it. And on the surface it looks insane. Alex Anthopolopolopolopolopolis is giving up his system’s top two prospects, D’Arnaud and Syndergaard, in exchange for a 38 year old knuckleball pitcher. While there’s no doubt that the Jays paid a steep price, it was worth it. They’ve decided to try to win now, which is certainly true considering they’ve mortgaged a significant part of their farm system for current big league talent.

What They Gave Up

Travis D’Arnaud: Traded to the Jays in the Roy Halladay deal, D’Arnaud shot up the Jays prospect rankings as the rare catcher who combines above average receiving skills with an average hit tool. He’s not Yadier behind the dish, but he’ll be able to competently play the postion at the major league level. His most impressive tool is probably his power which could translate to 15-25 HR’s a year; extremely valuable from the catching postion. Coming off and injury that derailed the end of his 2012 season, D’Arnaud might start the year in AAA Las Vegas, but he’ll be catching in the majors by June at the latest.

 

Noah Syndergaard: This is a big, big boy. Drafted by the Jays in the 1st round back in 2010 Syndergaard has the potential to be a high-end, number-two starter at the big league level. His biggest asset is the fact that he is 6″5. No shit. Being so tall allows him to get good plane on his fastball which sits around 95 and has touched 100. Syndergaard will start the year in pitcher-friendly High-A Port St. Lucie and if he develops as expected, he should finish out the year in Double-A Binghamton. Syndergaard makes the 2015 Mets starting rotation something to dream and drool over, alongside Matt Harvey, Zack Wheeler, and Jonathan Niese.

 

John Buck: John Buck is what he is: a second division catcher. There’s a reason why he’s already been traded twice this offseason. If I’m John Buck, I’m still sad about being traded for Jeff Mathis because Jeff Mathis is awful at baseball. In all seriousness, Buck should start the year as the Mets starting catcher until D’Arnaud is ready to make the new Citi Field fences his bitch.

 

Unnamed Prospect: Unnamed prospect probably isn’t very good. He probably has a name. Not sure why the Jays and Mets had to swap random guys here.

 

What They Got Back

Robert Allen (R.A.) Dickey: Born without a UCL (that pesky Tommy John ligament), Dickey was drafted as a regular pitcher, but reinvented himself as a knuckleballer and boy was 2012 fun to watch. Whether he won the Cy Young based on merit or based on story is irrelevant; R.A. Dickey can pitch. He can do things with a baseball that shouldn’t be possible.  In Dickey, the Jays get a guy who can slip right into rotation and can help them win now.

 

Josh Thole: Josh Thole will platoon behind the dish with J.P. Arencibia. Other than being extremely average, Josh Thole is extremely average.

 

Unnamed Prospect: Same name as the guy he was traded for.

 

Fake Yankee News of the Week: Catching Situation Update

by michaelparetzky

Chris(t) Stewart is ugly.

Chris Stewart has officially requested a trade, ESPN reported earlier today. “I’d like to go somewhere cold,” he stated in the interview, “somewhere really cold. Not fake cold like New York or Minnesota, but real cold, like Canada or Russia.”

This news further exacerbated an already sore situation, as it was tragically announced this weekend that Francisco Cervelli and Austine Romine each suffered severed left arms during a pillow fight over the starting job.

In his official press meeting this morning, Girardi responded violently when asked if he missed Russell Martin. “ABSOLUTELY NOT,” he howled, lashing out savagely at the air in front of him.

The manager’s outburst was followed by a moment of complete silence, described by one witness as a “serene calm.” Girardi then stared upwards for about a minute, and, eventually focusing on the confused reporters, whispered, “I’m coming back.”

When asked to elaborate, Girardi officially tendered his resignation as manager and announced his impending comeback. “Call Yogi,” he added. “I’m gonna need a backup.”

The Bourn Ultimatum Part 1: The AL Beast

by jakemintz

Image

Center field is considered one of, if not the most valuable position in baseball. First division Center Fielders are not easy to come by. There is usually a scarcity of top quality centerfielders; its hard to find a guy who can play the position, hit, and hit for power. Why then is Michael Bourn still a free agent? No one seems to want to pay Michael Bourn, but someone has to right?

This article is the first of a six part series going team by team examining how well Michael Bourn fits the current roster. Each team will get a score from one to ten on the BOURN O’METER 3000. I don’t know where the hell he is going to end up, but there’s no harm in a little fun. Let’s start off with the AL East.

Baltimore Orioles:

Why Not Bourn:

  • One overlooked moment of the 2012 magic Orioles was the Adam Jones contract extension. This is how Baltimore Orioles fans feel about about Adam Jones. Jones might not be a superstar yet, but he has superstar potential and after winning the hearts of the Charm City with this homerun Jones should be the face of this team for years to come. 

Why Bourn:

  • Jones’ merits as a defensive CF are debated. He is well known for occasional lapses in focus and bubble gum blowing escapades. Jones didn’t deserve the gold glove he won this year over Mike Trout because Mike Trout can do this. Signing Bourn and moving Jones to LF would give the Orioles a legitimate leadoff man; something they’ve been craving since Brian Roberts’ body started to break down.

Bourn’s Perspective

  • Michael Bourn watches the wire. Michael Bourn is terrified of Omar. Michael Bourn doesn’t want to end up like Michael Lee.

Conclusion

  • While moving Jones to left and signing Bourn might make baseball sense, it wouldn’t work on a clubhouse level. Jones signed that extension to play in the middle of the diamond and moving the team leader wouldn’t be good for team chemistry. Also Bourn can’t deal with the streets of Baltimore. Omar comin…

Toronto Blue Jays

Why Not Bourn

  • The Toronto Blue Jays have more outfielders than they can count. Jose Bautista is set to play right field for the Blue Jays as long as he wants to. The other two spots will include some rotation of Emilio Bonifacio, Anthony Gose, Colby Rasmus, and Rajai Davis.

Why Bourn

  •  You can never have enough outfield depth. (Except for when you can).

Bourn’s Perspective

  • Michael Bourn doesn’t want to play for a team in Europe. Michael Bourn doesn’t understand kilometers.

Conclusion

  • Not going to happen. Too many outfielders.

New York Yankees

 Why Not Bourn

  • While Granderson’s 2011 season begins to look more and more like an outlier, he still provides good value at a very important position. Minor League prospect Mason Williams is a few years away, but looks like a Major League regular. CF is not a need here, Bourn will probably have to look elsewhere. Also short people look stupid in vertical striping. Its very fashion faux pas.

Why Bourn

  • Bourn and Youkilis would be really cute on the same team. The two of them could look like a bad buddy cop comedy show.

Bourn’s Perspective

  • Michael Bourn is afraid of people who talk weird (see Boston). Michael Bourn feels swallowed up by the hustle and bustle of the big city.

Conclusion

  • Not going to happen. The Yankees recent anti-spending spree means either they are trying to get under the luxury tax or they are saving up for something big; a new video game or maybe a really cool bike.

Tampa Bay Rays

Why Not Bourn?

  • The Rays entire off season budget was already spent on the 1 year 2 million dollar contract they gave James Loney. Oh and that Longoria thing…

Why Bourn

  • Wil Myers, Desmond Jennings, and Michael Bourn is a pretty stacked outfield.  Nuf said.

Bourn’s Perspective

  • Michael Bourn would prefer to play in front of fans.

Conclusion

  • Andrew Friedman doesn’t like giving away his money.

Boston Red Sox:

Why Not Bourn?

  • The childish schoolboy charm of Jacoby Ellsubry is still occupying the grassy greens of Fenway Park for now. Archie Bradley might sound like your high school art teacher, but he’s actually the #2 prospect in the Red Sox farm system who will be an above average regular in CF starting in 2014.

Why Bourn?

  • The Red Sox could use Bourn if they plan on trading away Bradley along with top prospect Xander Boegarts to the Mets in return for R.A. Dickey, R.A. Dickey’s unfound UCL, a pair of game worn R.A. Dickey sandals, and a signed picture of Josh Thole. Another possibility is that Ryan Kalish finds the socks he has been stressing over for years and finally realizes his potential as a really really really really average baseball player.

Bourn’s Perspective:

  •  His skills aren’t ideal for the offensive orgy that is the AL East, let alone the little league field that is Fenway Park. Michael Bourn also doesn’t like the way Bostonians talk (who does?). Michael Bourn is afraid of Paul Revere because he reminds Michael Bourn too much of Ben Revere.

Conclusion:

  • Victorino + Ellsbury + Bradley + Fenway Paaaaaak + Paul Revere = Probably Not