Einar, Alomar, Broussard, Gerut, and Wright write-ups are courtesy of Al Ciammaichella, Indians fan and one of our bestestestestestestestest friends. Al writes for theclevelandfan.com and The DiaTribe. You can follow him @Gotribe31.
System Quote: “Though we may know Him by a thousand names, He is one and the same to us all.”
Indians Top Ten:
- Jordan Brown
- Grady Sizemore Haltertop
- Einar Diaz
- Fausto Carmona
- Ryan Garko
- Sandy Alomar Jr.
- Richie Sexson
- Ben Broussard
- Jody Gerut
- Jaret Wright
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $9.67 + $5.49 Shipping
eBay Description: “Very Hard to Find , ?? BROWN”
The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Okay, to be clear, we have no idea who this shirsey is supposed to be representing. If it’s actually Jordan Brown, who never even wore number 63 for the Indians, then he had a really funny year. I say this because he was one of 17 million strangers to get at-bats for the Marlins this year. 15 at-bats, to be exact. Yes, this year! After not playing a single game in the majors since 10/3/10, Jordan Brown managed to put on a Miami Marlins uniform for 14 games and actually play. Of course, if we’re not talking about Jordan Brown, I have no idea. I suppose the color brown had a decent year. A lot of people pooped.
Strengths: 63 is a cool number to have on the back of your shirsey. Paired with the surname “Brown”, this shirsey would fool any pedestrian who happens to see it. It looks enough like an actual player to be convincing. The player obscurity is an elite tool because again, who is this? Currently, Justin Masterson wears number 63 for Cleveland. “Nice Justin Masterson shirsey”, an unbelievably illiterate person might say. The eBay description sums it up; this is VERY hard to find.
Weaknesses: Seriously, what the hell? There have only 107 players in MLB history to wear the number 63. Only one of them had the last name “Brown” and he played in 15 games for the Angels from 2007-2008. Only five of them played for the Indians, one of which was Rafael Betancourt. Ew, Rafael Betancourt.
Overall Future Potential: High 7; remarkable consistency as it never fails to confuse anyone that has followed the Indians for too long
Realistic Role: High 6; sticks around for a long time as that shirsey you can wear in any situation
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; imaginary players can’t get injured
The Year Ahead: “Brown – 63″ will continue to not be an actual thing in the Cleveland sports community.
Wardrobe ETA: Never or always
Size: One size fits all
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $15.00 + $4.50
eBay Description: “I altered the shirt by my own halter top design to give you a great fit and a sexy look.”
The Tools: 8 derp; 4 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 7 design/color scheme; 5 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Since the start of 2012, Grady Sizemore has played the same number of games as all the dead people have combined: zero.
Strengths: Most shirseys have the name on the back, but this monster flips the establishment on its head. Described by the creator as “D.I.Y.”, this shirt is a masterpiece of creative impulse. I’m not quite sure what the purpose was behind its creation, but it intrigues me in a way I cannot describe with words.
Weaknesses: If I wore it I’d feel like I was wearing a regular shirsey backwards. Also, I don’t look very good in a haltertop.
Overall Future Potential: 7; if you saw a girl wearing this at a party, you’d approach her in a swift and decisive manner.
Realistic Role: 3; it’s actually just a rag
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; the back has the potential to come untied at any point
The Year Ahead: If Sizemore can send the owner of this… “thing” more nudie pics then we might have a love story for the ages.
Wardrobe ETA: No!
Size: One size fits all
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $14.99 + $3.99
eBay Description: “Díaz was called up in 1996 by the Cleveland Indians to back up then-starting catcher Sandy Alomar, Jr. He played sparingly from 1996-1998, and in 1999 he got his first starting job with the Indians due to an injury to Alomar. From 2001-2002, Díaz was the primary starting catcher for the Cleveland Indians. Following the 2002 season, he was traded to the Texas Rangers to replace All-Star catcher Iván Rodríguez, who left for free agency. This was the last starting job Díaz would see. He continued his career as a backup catcher with the Montreal Expos in 2004, the St. Louis Cardinals in 2005, and the minor league Buffalo Bisons in 2006.”
The Tools: 6 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 6+ player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Assistant hitting coach of the Baltimore Orioles. So nothing.
Strengths: He’s a catcher, therefore awesome. Was once traded as part of a package for Travis Hafner. Upon donning this shirsey, your ability to hose runners at 2B from your knees increases approximately 38%. Wear it to an O’s game to impress both Diaz and Jake.
Weaknesses: With the #2, could be mistaken for a Jhonny Peralta shirsey at a distance. He was really never any good. currently employed by another AL team.
Overall Future Potential: 6; if he becomes a major-league manager, this could become a fun shirsey to wear. Possible 7 if he becomes the Indians manager.
Realistic Role: 4; He’s already 40 (good God that makes me feel old), and is only an assistant hitting coach. Not likely to skipper a big league team, but could be a bullpen coach.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low. Diaz should be pretty safe sitting in the O’s dugout. But then again that’s what we thought about Nolan Reimold.
The Year Ahead: Eating sausages in/outside Camden yards.
Wardrobe ETA: 2001
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CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 
