Clayton Richard: Pitcher, Quarterback, Nazi Sympathizer.

***

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. SS Have Breath Crab Hear
2. 2B Gergerker
3. 3B Cheese Shed Lee
4. 1B Yawn Dora Lawn Zone
5. RF Carl O’Squintin
6. LF Wheel Van Able
7. CF Came Around Maybe
8. C Nig Hunt Lee

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Eddy’s Son Volt Quiz
2. Clay Toner Chard
3. Jay Sewn Mark Kiss
4. A Rick Stilts
5. Ties On Rots

CLOSER: Houston’s Teet

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

They didn’t do much.

No extension for Headley.

Time for Jedd Gyorko!

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Cameron Maybin

• Waiting for Cameron Maybin to break out is taking longer than a hotel buffet with a bunch of fat, pushy Israelis. His tools are as mouthwatering as the Danish that stands before me, but whether or not I can actualize putting the Danish in my mouth is unknown. We are still talking about Cameron Danish… I mean Maybin right? 

***

State of the Farm:

They’ve got a CFB favorite in catcher Austin Hedges, who is lauded for his elite defensive skills and surprisingly solid bat. He’ll advance to the California League in 2013, where he will most likely put up absurd and misleading offensive numbers that will only make us love him more (if that’s possible). The Padres also have a seemingly endless collection of young arms: Right-handers Matthew Wisler, Joe Ross and Walker Weickel, as well as their top pick in 2012, left hander Max Fried. Max Fried was in the same high school rotation as Lucas Giolito. How is that even fair? Fried boasts one of the better curveballs in the minors already, and is a Jew. Then there’s 6″7 Tayron Guerrero. Reports from the Professor this spring have been slightly intriguing. Outfielder Rymer Liriano will miss the 2013 season due to Tommy John surgery, but his name is Rymer so I expect a full recovery and an exciting return sometime in 2014. It’s a really good system; probably top 5 in the majors. But most importantly, AUSTIN HEDGES.

CLICK ON THIS LINK FOR MORE AUSTIN HEDGES BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T PREACHED HIS GOSPEL ENOUGH. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yimmi Brasoban
• RHP Kevin Quackenbush
• 1B Goose Kallunki
• 2B Cristofher Martinez
• 2B Malquiel Brito
• 2B River Stevens
• SS Franchy Cordero
• SS Beamer Weems
• OF Yorky Diaz
• OF Franmil Reyes
• OF Fabel Filpo
• OF Yeison Acensio

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Max Fried’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• Chase Headley will continue to be the most underrated overrated player in San Diego.
• Clayton Richard will continue to support the Third Reich.
• JERD GERK WERL GERT A LERT ERF HERTS
• The Padres are going to redefine mediocrity. They will win 81 games, have an even run differential, and get an 85% on their Spanish test. 

This is their superstar.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF Chore Danny Valdez Pin
2. 2B Dan Elmer Pee
3. 3B Dave Drite
4. 1B Hiked Avis
5. RF Luc Astuta
6. CF Mar Land Bird
7. C John Fuck
8. SS Boobin’ Jihad Ah

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Yawn A Than Knees
2. Dillingy
3. Mah Turvy
4. Germy Heifer
5. Shhh Unmark Em

CLOSER: Bob E. Porn Hell

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Worst outfield ever?

Sent Dickey to Blue Jays for

d’Arnaud, Syndergaard.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: The Entire Outfield

• The 2013 New York Mets outfield isn’t a lot of things. They aren’t proven, they aren’t that talented, and frankly they aren’t very good. Nieuwenhuis, Duda, & Baxter sounds more like a dermatology clinic than a major league outfield. But Nieuwenhuis can go get it in center, Duda has a fantastic beard, and Baxter is from Queens. It’s important to remember that these are all things that won’t make them any better at baseball.

***

State of the Farm:

•  The Mets certainly did well in the Dickey trade, acquiring arguably the top catching prospect in baseball in Travis d’Arnaud as well as hard throwing right hander/Master Race prototype Noah Syndergaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard. d’Arnaud projects to be average to plus in all facets of his game, and while he probably won’t put up the stupid numbers that he did at Triple-A Las Vegas (333/.380/.595), he should be a very good catcher for a long time, barring any more injuries. This system’s true strength is its abundance of hard throwing righties, lead by future ace Zack Wheeler. Stolen from the Giants for half a year of CarLOLs Beltran, Wheeler has three plus to plus-plus pitches (fastball, curveball, slider) with rapidly improving command. He’s one of the few pitchers in the minors that truly projects as a #1 starter. Then there’s Michael Fulmer, a huge righty who will pitch the entire 2013 season at age 20. He possesses plus-plus velocity to go along with a fairly fantastic slider. He’s probably destined for the bullpen, but Domingo Tapia throws crazy hard. 2011 first rounder Brandon Nimmo was born and raised in Wyoming. They literally don’t play high school baseball in Wyoming. Overall, this system is improved, but far from deep and really lacks any impact bats. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Edioglis Villasmil
• RHP Flabio Ortega
• RHP Randinson Suazo
• RHP Yrelvis Castillo
• RHP Bladimil Vallejo
• RHP Doxon Brochero
• RHP Nabil Crismatt
• RHP Jhonaiker Rodriguez
• RHP Wimbert Martinez
• RHP Rolgenis Blanco
• RHP Rainy Lara
• RHP Hansel Robles
• LHP Mark Cohoon
• C Nelfi Zapata
• C Xorge Carrillo
• 1B Jeyckol De Leon
• 2B Yeixon Ruiz
• 2B Yucarybert De La Cruz
• OF Wuilmer Becerra
• OF Ysidro Pierre
• OF Hengelbert Rojas

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Zack Wheeler’s Curveball

***

Prediction:

• Before you do anything else, please go look at those prospect names again. YUCARYBERT. 
• Ike Davis gets hungry and tries to eat the Big Apple in center after going yard.
• The Mets aren’t as bad as the Marlins, which says nothing at all about the quality of the Mets.
• Marlon Byrd gets a pet bird and names it Marlon; bird immediately becomes Mets fourth outfielder.

An Angel From Texas, An Angel From the Outfield, and An Angel From Heaven.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF Mic’d Rout
2. SS E. Rick Eye Bar
3. 1B All Bird Poo Holes
4. RF Joe “Shhh” Ham Ill Ton
5. DH Marked Rumba
6. 2B How? E. Ken Drick
7. 3B All Bird O’Kai Ass Poe
8. C Christ Ian. ETA?
9. CF Pete R. Bored Jizz

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Jarred Weevil
2. Siege Ay Will Zaun
3. Job Lantern
4. Jays On Vag Us
5. Tom E. Hands On

CLOSER: Ernie Stove Rear E.

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Here comes Hamilton,

Jesus. No plate discipline.

Vargas is boring.

***

Innards

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Jered Weaver

• Jered Weaver is very good at pitching. Jared Weaver is not very good at being a normal human being. Here is a picture of his mouth. Lots of room in there. His pitching motion itself skivvies me out a bit. While he might be the guy I want at the front of my rotation, he’s certainly not the guy I’m asking to babysit my kids… if I had kids. Here is a .gif of him freaking the hell out after getting injured: 

***

State of the Farm:

• The Angels have one good prospect named Kaleb Cowart who can’t even spell Caleb correctly. But the guy can seriously hit, and should stick at third base. They also have Professional Huge Person C.J. Cron, a bat only first baseman with plenty of raw power and equally as much swing and miss. After that, it’s like seventeen 4th starters and the guy they drafted one pick before Mike Trout. Blah. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Aaron Sookee
• RHP Orangel Arenas
• LHP Buddy Boshers
• DH Bladimir Aquino
• C Anthony Bemboom
• C Enyelber Vivas
• C Abel Baker
• C Jett Bandy
• SS Caleb Bushyhead
• OF Ranyelmy Mendoza
• OF J.B. Shuck

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

3B Kaleb Cowart’s Slider (as a junior in high school)

***

Predictions:

• Mike Trout doesn’t have one of the 25 greatest seasons of all time, like last year. Okay, he might. Actually, yeah, Mike Trout will probably have one of the 25 greatest seasons of all time. Again.
• Josh Hamilton watches Jason Vargas pitch; loses faith in God.
• Albert Pujols is traded to the Dodgers and signs a 10 year extension for $500 million dollars.
• Howie Kendrick contends for a batting title…

What’s C.C. Sabathia Doing In Such Fancy Garb?

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Dean Hard Spin
2. RF Jason Worth
3. LF Bries Sharper
4. 3B Rains Him Or Man
5. 1B Aid Him Lare Osh
6. SS E.N. Ez Mon
7. 2B Dan E. Spinoza
8. C Curts Hues Yuki

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Steve And Straws Brrrr
2. Joe Gun Souls
3. Chore Dance Hummer Man
4. Danaran
5. Rocks Debt Wilder

CLOSER: Raft I.L. Sorry Ann O

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Oh hey, Denard Span.

Wait, holy crap, this team’s good.

The Phillies are sad.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Danny Espinosa

• Aside from looking like Fat Drake, Espinosa spends most of his time swinging and consequentially missing at baseballs. You just wish someone would let him know that while the bench does provide the most amenities available, he is indeed paid to get to first, second, third base, etc. 

***

State of the Farm:

Professor Parks put it best in this tweet. The injury risks are plentiful and worrisome. But the talent is there, with third baseman Anthony Rendon and his Rice University education leading this crop. Rendon is another rare prospect with a plus-plus projection on his hit tool, but his ankle as about as fragile as Chris Sale doing anything ever. Born in 1994, right-hander Lucas Giolito was the top talent headed into the 2013 draft before getting injured late in his senior season. He got the Tommy John outta the way towards the end of last season, and should return for the 2014 season. He touched triple digits regularly before the injury, and ZOMG HIS CURVEBALL. Brian Goodwin is an intriguing outfielder and right-hander Nathan Karns, despite this facial hair and already being 26, has a potent fastball/curveball combo that should reach the big leagues this year. And oh by the way, that Bryce Harper dude is significantly younger than everyone in Washington’s Top 10 besides Giolito. So there’s that.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Inocencio Heredia
• C Austin Chubb
• C Spencer Kieboom
• DH Yermin Mercedes
• 3B Khayyan Norfork
• 3B Younaifred Aguero
• 3B Diomedes Eusebio
• OF Will Piwnica-Worms
• OF Algenis Ramirez
• OF Armando Echenique

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Lucas Giolito’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• Denard Span tests positive for an banned #natitude performance enhancer and is suspended for 3 weeks.
• Jayson Werth’s title as most homeless-looking National is challenged by Rabbi Harper.
• Fan attendance drops after the new Racing President, Taft, dies in June from diabetes.
• The Nats win a lot of baseball games, the NL East, and a seat in congress.