Reaction to looking at the Yankees Opening Day lineup

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Bet Gardener
2. RF Itchy Hoes Sues Sucky
3. 2B Robin’s On Canoe
4. 3B Kiev In You Kill Us
5. DH Trap Us Haven Her
6. LF Bread Hand Botch
7. SS Ed Hard O’Noon Yes
8. 1B Lier Hova Bay
9. C Chrit Tewart

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. See Sea Say Bath Yah
2. Herky Corrode
3. And Heep Edit
4. Vanonva
5. Dave If Helps

CLOSER: Mary And Hoe Riviera

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Wow, everyone’s hurt.

Billions on the DL. Ouch.

Haha, no pity.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: The Entire Team

• It’s old, expensive, and actually not even that talented anymore. It’s not sad in that anyone feels bad for them, it’s sad in that wow, this is an actual baseball team that is starting Chris Stewart behind the plate and giving Brennan Boesch regular at-bats. There are so many amazing things about Alex Rodriguez’ contract alone that can be mocked, but we won’t go there because oh wait Alex Rodriguez just made $57 that minute you were reading this. I wonder what he’s doing.

***

State of the Farm:

It’s a system that’s somewhere in the middle if you were to rank the organizations 1-30, but it’s not without some potential impact talent. Center fielder Mason Williams has shot up prospect lists in the last few years, combining near elite speed and defense with a surprising aptitude for hitting with an equally surprising amount of raw power. Gary Sanchez is the Yankees next potentially awesome offensive catcher after the Jesus Montero experiment was shipped to Seattle for them to deal with. Sanchez has a substantially better chance to stick at catcher than Montero ever did and has fantastic power potential. Rafael De Paula and Jose Ramirez are big right-handers with short track records and a ton of velocity. Slade Heathcott is a toolsy centerfielder with an extremely troubled past and questionable makeup to go along with it, but the hit tool is really starting to come around and could reach the Bronx by mid 2014.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• LHP Chaz Hebert
• LHP Evan Rutckyj
• LHP Rigoberto Arrebato
• RHP Giovanny Gallegos
• RHP Hershelon Juliana
• RHP Kenedy Agramonte
• RHP Chris Bootcheck
• 1B Saxon Butler
• OF Yeicok Calderon
• OF Mikeson Oliberto
• OF Freite Marte
• OF Barfil Munoz
• OF Wascar Rodriguez
• OF Zoilo Almonte

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Mark Montgomery’s Slider

***

Predictions:

• They all break.
• Brett Gardner becomes a real gardner after getting bored with baseball. The man loves his petunias.
• George Steinbrenner comes back from the grave to take the starting RF position.
• The dynasty nears its end as the Ottomans take over Yankee Stadium.

They gave him all the moneys.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF A Stinge Hacks On
2. RF Tree Hunter
3. 3B Mick Hell Crab Era
4. 1B P. Rinse Feel Her
5. DH Evict Her Martini
6. LF Anne D. Derps
7. SS Shaw Neep Her Alter
8. C Al Licks A Uvula
9. 2B Hoe Marlin Font A.

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Juspin Derp Land Her
2. On The Balls Hand Cheese
3. Rich Porn Seller
4. Dog Fister
5. Mask Shirts Her

CLOSER: Kill Folk

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Hey, Torii Hunter.

Gave Justin ALL the moneys.

Still have no closer.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Max Scherzer

• Not totally sure if it’s the fact that

………or if um well oh my god his eyes are terrifying. This mutation combined with an extremely violent delivery just make watching Max pitch an unpleasant experience to say the least.You gotta love the guy, and he’s had great success over the past few season while remaining healthy. But he scares us. And probably you too.

***

State of the Farm:

This is one of the worst systems in baseball. There isn’t much around that. 3B/OF Nick Castellanos is a fantastic hitting prospect who doesn’t care to wear batting gloves most of the time and put on an absolute show at the 2012 Futures Game. RHP Bruce Rondon is 300 pounds and throws insanely hard, sitting in the 98-100 range with ease, with not much clue of where it is going. The Tigers named him the Opening Day closer and then quickly realized that he wouldn’t be there on time for the game on account of fat. He should eventually develop into a dominant bullpen arm, but for now, it’s shaky. Outfielder Steven Moya is 6″7 with legit 80 grade raw power and not a whole lot of other baseball talents but if you want to see a 6″7 human being hit a baseball really far sometimes maybe, you should check out the Florida State League where Moya will be spending most if not all of his 2013 season.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• LHP Junior Camaripano
• LHP Eudis Idrogo
• LHP Vijandrick Jacobs
• RHP Janry Obispo
• RHP Adenson Verastegui
• RHP Confesor Lara
• RHP Yorfrank Lopez
• RHP Montreal Robertson
• RHP Warwick Saupold
• C Arvicent Perez
• 1B Juaner Aguasvivas
• OF Jhosua Montero
• OF D.J. Driggers

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Steven Moya Existing

***

Predictions:

• The Tigers sell Bruce Rondon bobbleheads that don’t bobble because Bruce Rondon has too much neck fat.
• Bobby Higginson comes back.
• The Tigers win enough to make Detroit’s citizens forget that they live in Detroit.

$56,000,000 

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF My Kill Bored
2. SS Ass Dribble Capybara
3. 2B Jays Honk Penis
4. RF Hair Gel
5. C Carl O’Saint Hannah
6. 1B Mar Cray Knolls
7. LF My Kill Branchy
8. 3B Low Knee Chisel Hall
9. DH Drew’s Tubs

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Jace Tin Masters Hon
2. Your Bald Hoe Jim Hands
3. Breath Mayors
4. Sack Mcrackalackinster
5. Cots Cat Smear

CLOSER: Crisp Hairs

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Swisher? What a dick.

They robbed D-backs of Bauer.

Haha, Mark Reynolds.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Mark Reynolds

• Mark Reynolds is still only 29 years old, but it feels like he’s been striking out in the major leagues at record rates for over a decade. He’s got some of the best raw power on the planet but oh my god did you see the pitch he just swung at ?! It seems almost daily that you find yourself watching the highlights of each game when BAM there’s Mark swinging right over a changeup or BAM there’s Mark fumbling a hard hit ball at third base. He’s a frustrating player in that you know he can do things like this, but then you remember he has LITERALLY STRUCK OUT OVER 1,000 TIMES IN ONLY 3,000 AT BATS. Oh, and he might be blind.

***

State of the Farm:

It’s pretty bad but like, Francisco Lindor Francisco Lindor Francisco Lindor Francisco Lindor. So it’s difficult to really trash this system. Francisco Lindor, if you haven’t heard, is a switch hitting shortstop with a near elite glove who has already made it to High-A at the tender age of 19. In one of the more lopsided trades of the offseason, the Indians acquired right-hander Trevor Bauer from the Diamondbacks. Bauer is a cerebral pitcher with a ridiculous collection of pitches that includes what he calls a REVERSE SLIDER. He is also incredibly entertaining on the Tweeterz. Other than Lindor, they’ve got some bullpen-bound arms in Danny Salazar and Cody Allen, and some intriguing but up-the-middle players in SS/2B Dorssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssys Paulino, 2B Ronny Rodriguez and CF Luigi Rodriguez. It’s a rather uninteresting system after the Magical Unicorn that is Lindor, and the potential frontline starter that they robbed from Arizona in Bauer.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Estevenson Encarnacion
• RHP Michael Goodnight
• RHP Antwonie Hubbard
• 3B Giovanny Urshela
• SS Dorssys Paulino
• OF Fidias Soto
• OF D’vone McClure
• OF Delvi Cid

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Francisco Lindor Getting His High School Jersey Retired

***

Predictions:

• Nick Swisher spends his entire contract on hair gel and tobacco
• Mark Reynolds strikes out all of the times.
• Terry Francona forgets that he isn’t managing the Red Sox anymore; throws at Mark Reynolds during batting practice.
• The Tribe are finally punished for their horribly racist logo and are stampeded by an actual tribe of American Indians during their July series at Kansas City.

Felix.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF My Kills Launders
   
2. 3B Kills Eager
3. DH Ken Reitsma Rallies
4. RF My Kill M. Horse
5. 1B Jizz Tins Mocha
6. C G. Zeus Mt. Arrow
7. 2B Dust Enact Lee
8. CF Frank Lingo-Tears
9. SS Bread Hand, Dry Hand

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Feels, Licks Her Nanas
2. Joe’s And Hers
3. His Sashimi Wok Yuma
4. Play Cub Even
5. Brain Down More

CLOSER: Tom Will Help Some

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Felix forever.

That’s all that really matters.

Oh, and Jason Bay.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Felix Hernandez

• Whether he is the actual best pitcher in the world is somewhat of a debate, but watching King Felix is an experience like no other. He’s Seattle’s heart and soul, and watching him pitch in Safeco with the King’s Court behind him is absolutely breathtaking. It certainly helps that he has one of the most devastating pitches in baseball in his 90 MPH change-up. Felix is now signed with Seattle through the end of this decade, and that just seems right. He has shown an incredible devotion to Seattle throughout his young career and will be there to stay. Also, this happened:

A Perfect Game.

***

State of the Farm:

• It’s all about the pitching depth. Taijuan Walker, Danny Hultzen, James Paxton, Brandon Maurer…the list goes on and on. And that’s just the upper levels. All those guys are close to major league ready, while projectable guys like Brazilian lefty Luiz Gohara (WHO WAS BORN IN 1996 ZOMG), is a long way to go. This system also boasts catcher Mike Zunino, who will most likely end up being the all time leader in Home Runs Hit By A Catcher Whose Last Name Starts With A “Z”. He’s solid defensively, and should hit for well above-average power once he reaches Seattle.  

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Maykel Ynfantes
• RHP Neritzon Osorio
• RHP Thyago Vieira
• RHP Isliexel Gonzalez
• RHP Jochi Ogando
• RHP Frankely Brito
• RHP Mayckol Guaipe
• RHP Forrest Snow
• LHP Rusty Shellhorn
• C Georvic Perez
• C Wei Wang
• 1B Jharmidy De Jesus
• SS Gianfranco Wawoe
• SS Jhonbaker Morales
• OF Estarlyn Morales
• OF Cavan Cahoes
• OF Raysherel Michel
• OF Jamodrick McGruder
• OF Janelfry Zorrilla
• OF Jabari Blash
• OF Kalian Sams

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Taijuan Walker’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• After finding themselves 20 games under .500, the Mariners finally set sail and hit the open sea with reckless abandon. 
• Michael Morse requests a trade after he remembers he is allergic to rain.
• Dustin Ackley gets a perm and Robert Andino gets happier.
• Felix leads the Mariners to even more beautiful mediocrity, as he tears the AL a new one…again.

This is what negative WAR looks like.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF Al X. Gorged On
2. SS All Seed Sex Crowbar
3. DH Bill Leeb Huddler
4. 3B Mic Moose Tacos
5. C Salve A Dorp Airs
6. 1B Air Kozma
7. RF Chief Rank Whore
8. CF Lauren Soak Ain
9. 2B Triscuits

ROTATION:

1. Shames Heels
2. Germ Eek Us Ree
3. Erv Insane Tan A
4. Weigh Dave Is
5. Lose Men Dozer

CLOSER: Grr Egg Hoe Land

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Ervin Santana.

Need I say more? He’s awful.

I miss Wil Myers.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Jeff Francoeur

•  Quite simply the worst everyday player in all of baseball in 2012, Francoeur combines horrendous plate discipline with equally bad defense (besides his absurd 880 grade arm) to create the ultimate weak spot for the RoyLOLs. Then consider that the only thing the Royals really needed coming into this season was a young, power-hitting right fielder to replace Frenchy. If only…………………….. :(

***

State of the Farm:

Wil Myers will be #missed because he was #good. But this system isn’t completely drained. Far from it, actually. It’s still loaded with low-level high ceilings and Bubba Freakin’ Starling. Bubba ain’t exactly the best baseball player (yet), but is probably the best athlete in the entire minor leagues. Top prospect Kyle Zimmer looks like he was in A Bugs Life and makes funny faces, but he’s got a hammer curveball paired with plus-plus velocity from an extremely clean delivery. Miguel Almonte has raised some eyebrows this spring, with an impressive arsenal at a very young age; he’s got a very similar body and array of pitches as #BARVES top prospect Julio Teheran. The name that everyone needs to know is Adalberto Mondesi. Already dubbed “The Next Profar” by multiple prospect enthusiasts, the son of former outfielder Raul Mondesi has off the charts instincts and a rapidly improving bat from both sides of the plate. He will start the year at Low-A Lexington, and won’t turn 18 until late July. Which is just stupid. Dayton Moore is still banking on “The Process”, and while the Wil Myers trade seems like a knee-jerk reaction in order to win a few extra games, it didn’t destroy this system by any means. Still plenty to watch here. ADALBERTO !

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Zebulon Sneed
• RHP Yerinson Tatis
• RHP Ysrael Abreu
• RHP Branly Crisostamo
• RHP Torey Deshazier
• RHP Bryan Brickhouse
• RHP Sugar Ray Marimon
• RHP Brooks Pounders
• LHP Yojensy Arias
• LHP Atahualpa Severino
• C Beau Maggi
• 1B Rainier Bello
• 1B Mark Threlkeld
• 2B Irving Falu
• 3B Nicholas Cuckovich
• 3B Yowill Espinal
• 3B Cheslor Cuthbert
• 3B Nick DelGuidice
• SS Adalberto Mondesi
• SS Jeckson Flores
• SS Orlando Calixte
• OF Brawlun Gomez
• OF Marsalis Holloway
• OF Bubba Starling

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Kyle Zimmer’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• GM Dayton Moore clarifies what he believes to be “The Process”, explains he is a part of The Process Church of The Final Judgment; he never had any intention to make the Royals a winning ballclub. 
• Billy Butler gets sick of his nickname “Country Breakfast”, becomes a freegan.
• Jeff Francoeur stops being so nice , returns to replacement level.
• Ervin Santana continues to give up ALL DA HOMERZ.

The 2013 Miami Marlins

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF One Pear
2. 3B Flaccid Dope Lank Hoe
3. RF Shun Carl O’Tan Tin
4. C Raw Brand Lee
5. CF Jizz Tin Rue G. On Oh
6. 2B Don O’Vansal Ono
7. 1B K.C. Couch Man
8. SS A Tiny Hedge Afaria

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Rick E. Knoll Asshole
2. Way Deal Blank
3. Hen Derps On All Varies
4. Cave In Slowly
5. Hose A. Fern And His

CLOSER: Sleeve She Shake

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Well, they did it again.

We all hate Jeff Loria.

Sorry, Giancarlo.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Giancarlo Stanton

• If Zeus had played baseball, he would have looked like Giancarlo Stanton. Thighs like redwoods, arms like thighs, and a head the size of a watermelon, Stanton is built to mash your balls. He has done mythological things to regular peons like Jamie Moyer and all the Rockies. He’s got quite possibly the best raw power of all time, and he is the precious unicorn that every organization wishes they had.

***

State of the Farm:

Right-handed pitcher Jose Fernandez, armed with his plus-plus fastball and Cuban refugee status, could very easily be the top pitching prospect in all of baseball this time next season. Oh wait, the Marlins called him up for absolutely no reason. Outfielder Christian Yelich is awkward and wiry, but he boasts one of the few plus-plus hit tools in the minors, and should join the newly acquired Jake Marisnick in the cavernous outfield of Marlins BLOLpark soon enough. As a shortstop in high school, athletic catcher Jacob Realmuto demoralized his opponents, batting .595 with ONE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN RUNS BATTED IN as a senior. They also have an outfielder named Jesus Solorzano. So there’s that. This system, as expected, got much better after fire sale #193, but it still lacks any real depth after the top two studs in Fernandez and Yelich.  It’s meh. But again, Jesus Solorzano.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Jorgan Cavenario
• RHP Arquimedes Caminero
• RHP Rigoberto Santamaria
• RHP Yeims Mendoza
• RHP Jheyson Manzueta
• RHP Yonqueli Perez
• 1B Viosergy Rosa
• 3B Tug Hulett
• SS Rehiner Cordova
• OF Wildert Pujols
• OF Jesus Solorzano

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Christian Yelich’s Swing

***

Predictions:

• Jeffrey Loria trades LeBron James and Dwyane Wade to the Phillies to save cap room.
• The Marlins add three more colors to their uniforms and are briefly mistaken for a gay pride parade.
• While yawning during one of the Marlins’ many losses, Giancarlo Stanton accidentally inhales the entire home run sculpture in left center field.
• The Marlins suck a duck and finish dead last in the National League.

The Toronto Blue Jays

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. SS Hose A. Race
2. LF Milky Cobra
3. RF Hose A. Barista
4. DH Ed Wind In Car Nausea Own
5. CF Cold Beer Has Musk
6. 1B A Damn Lint
7. C Jay Pee Aaron CBA
8. 2B A Mealy Hoe Bong A Fabio
9. 3B Mace Her It Hurts

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Raid Hickey
2. Brain Down Tomorrow
3. Narc Burly
4. Charsh Garnsharn
5. J. Ap

CLOSER: K.C. Chancing

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Well, this is the year.

They are now mostly Marlins.

Let’s see if it works.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: R.A. Dickey

• Robert Allen Dickey is just a good dude with a good pitch. Last year his knuckleball devastated the National League and he waltzed in his sandals all the way to a Cy Young Award. Whether or not the pitch is sustainable remains to be seen, but one thing is for sure: she wants the Dickey. And by Dickey, we mean this pitch:

***

State of the Farm:

Understandably, they shipped off nearly all of their top prospects to acquire the insane amount of major league talent from the Mets and the Marlins. However, they held onto Aaron Sanchez, and he could be pretty special. Sanchez is a power arm that sits in the mid 90’s and has two developing off-speed pitches (change-up and curveball) that could end up as above average as well. He’s the one guy they refused to give away, and they expect big things from him this year. Lefty Sean Nolin and his deep arsenal of solid-average pitches should be ready soon. Marcus Stroman is barely 5′”9, but he’s got a disgusting arsenal that includes a cutter in the low 90’s. He’s suspended for 50 games because The Major League Baseball Drug Policy Is Ridiculous, but could easily find a place in the Jays’ bullpen before the end of the season. Matt Smoral might look like Stinky Peterson from “Hey Arnold!”, but he’s an extremely young and projectable left-hander with an already devastating slider. And oh yeah, they have a bajillion 16 year olds in the rookie levels with huge ceilings and good grades in Algebra 2.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yeyfry Del Rosario
• RHP Trystan Magnuson
• RHP Chorye Spoone
• LHP Zakery Wasilewski
• 1B Balbino Fuenmayor
• 2B Ronniel Demorizi
• 2B Jason Leblebijian
• 3B Deiferson Barreto
• SS Amadeo Zazueta

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Marcus Stroman’s Slider

***

Predictions:

• The Blue Jays play the Marlins and everyone gets really emotional.
• Brett Lawrie films his own version of Project X in which he throws a huge party in the Rogers Centre while the team is out of town.
• The Blue Jays can’t live up to the Miami Heat level hype and finish 3rd in a division stacked more than a double stacked, Double Stuf Oreo.

“Is this the Krusty Krab?”

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Add Meat On
2. 3B Mort In Prada
3. 2B: Arrow Nil
4. C Me Delmon Taro
5. 1B Ball Goal Shit
6. RF Jay Honk U. Bell
7. LF Code Ear Oz
8. SS Crypt Pen Nine Ton

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. E. And Ken A.D.
2. Bend Hand My Car Tee
3. Tremor Kale
4. Way Deem I. Lee
5. Pat-Ricker Bin

CLOSER: Gay Jape Puts

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Weirdest off-season.

Dumped Bauer for Didi. Sad.

What is Kevin Towers ?!

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee:  Cliff Pennington

• There’s nothing truly special about Cliff Pennington. He’s not a great hitter. He’s not an elite defender. He’s not a particularly valuable player at all, really. But boy does he look wholesome in this one particular photo. And at the end of the day, isn’t it all about the kids? 

***

State of the Farm:

This is a fun one. Even though they traded Trevor Bauer away and barely got anything prospect wise for Justin Upton, this crop still has some very exciting young talent. Tyler Skaggs is arguably the best LHP prospect in the game today, and should spend the majority of the 2013 season in Arizona’s rotation, armed with an above average fastball and one of the better curveballs in the minor leagues. Right behind him is Archie Bradley, a prototypical power right hander who sits in the mid 90’s and has a ridiculous breaking ball that will be shown below in .gif form. He had some command problems in his first full year of pro ball, but is primed to take a huge step forward in 2013 and could easily by a consensus Top 20 prospect by season’s end. Arizona took athletic catcher Stryker Trahan in the first round of the 2012 draft. Besides being named Stryker, he has some of the better raw power in the minors, and a chance to stick behind the plate. Did we mention his name is Stryker? Andrew Chafin is an intriguing lefty, with a potent fastball/slider combo that will probably end up in the bullpen. But the true gems of this system are found at the lowest levels…

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yoimer Camacho
• RHP Virgilio Encarnacion
• RHP Geordy Parra
• RHP Kable Hogben
• RHP Diogenes Rosario
• RHP Zeke Spruill
• LHP Anfernee Benitez
• DH Yogey Perez-Ramos
• C Stryker Trahan
• C Raywilly Gomez
• C Tyson Van Winkle
• C Roidany Aguila
• C Tuffy Gosewisch
• 1B Phildrick Llewellyn
• SS Didi Gregorius
• OF Socrates Brito
• OF Breland Almadova
• OF Yeisson Rosario

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Archie Bradley’s Curveball

BONUS .GIF

Archie Bradley’s Accidental Cutter ?!

***

Prediction:

• To compliment his overload of #grit, Kevin Towers trades Trevor Cahill for #grout to repair his bathtub.
• Arizona plays in the Civil Rights game and temporarily changes its name to the Diamondblacks.
• Paul Goldschmidt converts to Judaism after getting fed up answering to when asked if he’s Jewish.
• The Diamondbacks win baseball games, but not enough baseball games to be permitted to play baseball games in October.

Now That’s A Concerning Skin Disease

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. SS Jim Ear LOLings
2. 2B Jay Shut Lee
3. 3B My Keel Yang
4. 1B Rain Hard
5. LF Lance Knicks
6. RF Damn Nick Brown
7. CF Bend Ravier
8. C Erk Rats

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Cold Am Hells
2. Royal Day
3. Clip Flea
4. Kai Elk Hen Dick
5. Tron Landon

CLOSER: Joe Nathan Pap L. Bone

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Michael and Delmon.

Young at heart; suck at baseball.

They got Revere, though.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Delmon Young

• Remember Wario from Mario Kart? He’s like a white Delmon. What else… Delmon hates jews and is bad at throwing. I’m planning on taking his rookie card to the Western Wall. It’s not that we’re sad Delmon the person isn’t a very good person; it’s that Delmon the once uber prospect is one of the worst players in baseball. In his (Devil) Rays Top Ten list for 2007, Kevin Goldstein had this to say about Delmon’s future: “Pure hitting skills that are unparalleled in the minor leagues. Ultra-fast bat, plenty of raw strength and enormous plate coverage allow for projections of a .300+ average with 25-35 home runs annually. Not just a one-dimensional talent, Young is a tick-above-average runner and an excellent base stealer, as well as a good outfielder with an outstanding arm.” After 3575 career plate appearances, Delmon Young has been worth -0.3 WAR. Ugh. So awful.
  

***

State of the Farm: 

It’s a very odd system, having traded an absolute TON (Travis d’Arnaud, Kyle Drabek, Jarred Cosart, Jonathan Singleton and Domingo Santana) to get guys like Hunter Pence and Roy Halladay. But they’re not totally empty. They’ve got the closest thing to Billy Hamilton in shortstop Roman Quinn (even if he looks 14 years old in the picture above). He’s unlikely to stick at short, but the bat should play somewhere when he’s stealing 60+ bags a year. Carlos Tocci is a lanky outfielder to dream on mostly because holy crap he was born in August of 1995. Jesse Biddle is probably the top player in this system; he’s a lefty with a deep arsenal and 80 grade eyebrows. It’s not awful, but nothing to write home about. Just a bunch of future role 5 players.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yacksel Rios
• RHP Jesen Dygestile-Therrien
• RHP Ranfi Casimiro
• RHP Seranthony Dominguez
• RHP Masilis Valera
• RHP Ulises Joaquin
• LHP Ranger Suarez
• C Hiomarvic Colmenarez
• C Bob Stumpo
• 2B Alejandro Villalobos
• SS Malquin Canelo
• OF Jiandido Tromp

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Brody Colvin’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• Ryan Howard’s contract literally eats Ryan Howard.
• Roy Halladay finally gets his PHD and becomes an actual doc after his decrease in fastball velocity leads to a necessary career change.
• Delmon and Michael discover they’re actually related; move in together; become even worse.
• The PhiLOLies get a year older and a year closer to destruction, as they end up in third as the soggy meat patty in the NL East sandwich.

This man is no longer the General Manager of the Chicago White Sox. 

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Allie Hand Row The Pasta
2. 3B Chef Keeping Her
3. RF Ah Luxury O’s
4. 1B Polk Hone Argo
5. DH Dad Him Done
6. LF Die On This E. Eight O.
7. SS Alex E. Ram Ears
8. C Ty Lerph Hours
9. 2B Gourd N. Beggam

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Crystale
2. Jay Cap Heavy
3. Gave In Floyd
4. Hose A. Kin Tata
5. D. Land Axel Rod

CLOSER: Add Is On Red

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Yay, Jeff Keppinger.

Cheap extension for Chris Sale,

Not much else. Boring.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Chris Sale

• Ever been on one of those crazy roller coasters that twists, turns, drops, and dives? You scream and you shout as your stomach flops itself over. Ring a bell? It’s just like watching Chris Sale’s elbow as he throws his 45th slider of the game. It’s hard to watch, like The State of The Union or “Friends”. It’s not just his absurd delivery and arm action that’s nauseating; he looks severely malnourished as well. Everything about Sale when he’s on the bump is skeevy and weird. The worst part is, he’s really freakin’ good. So you kinda have to watch. Until his arm goes boom. It’s hard to believe it hasn’t happened yet. You would think all it would take would be reaching over a little too quickly to hit the Snooze button on his alarm clock. Anyway, here’s what we mean:
  

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State of the Farm: 

Outfielder Courtney Hawkins has near elite raw power and about 93% of the athleticism in this entire system. He’s a great athlete for his size, and projects as a well above average right fielder if it all comes together. He flew through the minors as a 19 year old in his first pro season, finishing 2012 at High-A Winston-Salem. He won’t be moving at that pace for this upcoming season, but he’s the one prospect in this system really worth keeping an eye on. The rest is…well, not pretty. There’s the scattered and unrefined toolbox known as Trayce Thompson, as well as the insanely large and equally raw first baseman Keon Barnum. They’ve got some semi interesting arms in Scott Snodgress and Brazilian Andre Rienzo, but nothing that projects anywhere close to the top half of a major league rotation. Hawkins is exciting, but this system is dull, dry and derpy as hell.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yelmison Peralta
• RHP Storm Throne
• RHP Euclides Leyer
• C Joxelier Garcia
• 2B Justin Jirschele
• 3B Rangel Ravelo
• OF Yoandy Barroso
• OF Kale Kiser

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Courtney Hawkins doing a backflip.

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Predictions:

• Ozzie Guillen returns with a vengeance and attempts to eject Robin Ventura during one of his many mound visits during a Gavin Floyd start.
• Adam Dunn becomes a vegetarian and loses 100 lbs; he steals 25 bases after the All-Star break.
• Chris Sale realizes he’s a righty and starts throwing normally
• Hawk Harrelson looks up, puts it on the board, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssss.
• The White Sox realize what the term “farm system” means and sell all their chicken farms. They use the profits for player development, finally.
• With the 17th pick in the 2013 Amateur Draft, Kenny Williams will rip the phone from Rick Hahn and tell Bud Selig that the White Sox are drafting his pet dog in order to save money.