Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Rockies BP Top 10 Prospects.

No special guest this week. Sorry for the delay. #slack

System Quote: “Home is wherever I hit .315 annually.” 

Rockies Top Ten:

1. Haltertop Jason Giambi
2. Haltertop Troy Tulowitzki
3. Autographed Manny Corpas
4. Jackie Robinson
5. Vinny Castilla 
6. Rafael Betancourt
7. Yorvit Torrealba
8. Dante Bichette
9. Mike Hampton
10. Jason Jennings

1. Haltertop Jason Giambi

 Size: One Size Fits all  

 Current Status: Available for purchase  

 Website: eBay  

 Price: $28.00 + $4.50 Shipping  

eBay Description: “Check out this amazing halter top made from a Jason Giambi jersey tee – it’s one of a kind!”  

The Tools: 8 derp; 3 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 3 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Jason Giambi continued his improbable transition from juiced-out frat boy to wise old baseball wizard.

Strengths: Lets you show off those shoulders and support your favorite Rockies superstar at the same time. Jason Giambi is a man who deserves to be recognized on the front of a shirt. Elite level derp.

Weaknesses: Questions about haltertop profile may cause shirt’s tools to play down. Looks like your dog chewed up your Jason Giambi shirsey and you tried to salvage whatever was left.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if there’s ever a Jason Giambi related porno, this shirsey will play a major role in helping said porno win an Oscar.

Realistic Role: 2; hopefully we never have to see a Jason Giambi related porno.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; shirsey could fall apart at any moment.

The Year Ahead: Giambi might still be on the Indians, but that has no effect on the wonder of this haltertop.

Wardrobe ETA: When all your other clothes are burned.

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Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Red Sox BP Top 10 Prospects.

Okajima, Beltre, Pedro, Clemens, and Schilling write-ups are courtesy of our internet BFF Matthew Kory. Matthew is a writer at Sports On Earth, Baseball Prospectus, and some Red Sox blog called Over The Monster. You can/should flolololollow him on Twitter by clicking here. 

System Quote: “This is our fucking shirsey.” 

Red Sox Top Ten:

1. Babe Ruth
2. Mo Vaughn
3. Sean Casey
4. Hideki Okajima
5. David Wells
6. Doug Mirabelli
7. Adrian Beltre
8. Pedro Martinez
9. Roger Clemens
10. Curt Schilling 

1. Babe Ruth

 Size: M/L/XL/XXL

 Current Status: Available for purchase/owned by Jake

 Website: Stadiumstyle.com

 Price: $20.95

Website Description: “Ruth and 3 are printed on the back. Red Sox is printed on the front.”

The Tools: 4 derp; 7+ awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Babe Ruth remained dead.

Strengths: With this shirsey you can celebrate the greatest hitter of all time without having to endure the guilt of wearing a Yankees shirsey. The only thing better than this would be a Babe Ruth St. Louis Browns shirsey, but the last known one of those perished in WWII somewhere over Okinawa. Design difference conveys retro/vintage look which is good because Babe Ruth is old as shit.

Weaknesses: Confused people might mistake you for a woman named Ruth. But those people are confused, and probably extremely stupid. Currently owned my Jake Mintz which means it can’t be stylish.

Overall Future Potential: 8; Babe Ruth’s time on the Red Sox is one of America’s truly innocent love-stories. The memorialization of said memories is an American obligation fulfilled by the wearing of this shirsey.

Realistic Role: High 6; “BABAY WOOF” – The Goonies

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; the Babe is gone

The Year Ahead: Babe will remain dead and still awesome.

Wardrobe ETA: 1895

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Rays BP Top 10 Prospects.

We don’t really know any Rays fans so we were stuck doing this entire list by ourselves. And by we, I mean me, Jordan. Jake formatted it like a month ago. That’s why it’s so late. Sorry! <3 

System Quote: “Tropicana Field sucks.”

Rays Top Ten:

1. Yellow Matt Joyce
2. Greg Vaughn
3. Akinori Iwamura
4. Rocco Baldelli 
5. Jorge Cantu
6. Jason Bartlett
7. Evan Longoria
8. Rafael Soriano
9. Johnny Damon
10. Scott Kazmir

1. Yellow Matt Joyce

 Size: M/L/2XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $12.99 + $3.99 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Looks like a baseball jersey, wears like a tee”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 7 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 8 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: First, Matt Joyce played well. Then he didn’t. Then Delmon Young played instead of him. Then he took some naps.

Strengths: The only thing cooler than retro shirseys with silly color schemes are fake retro shirseys with silly color schemes. “Yes, Mom,” you’ll brag, “This is my yellow Rays shirsey.” You’ll also be able to convince your friends that the Rays were formed in 1971. Really absurd that the only player for whom this shirsey design is available is Matt Joyce.

Weaknesses: Fake time travel always pisses off the baseball gods.

Overall Future Potential: 7; elite design means huge ceiling

Realistic Role: 5; you’ll still struggle against left-handed friends

Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; there are flaws in this shirsey’s game

The Year Ahead: This beautiful yellow piece of clothing will continue to fail to represent any part of Tampa Bay’s history.

Wardrobe ETA: ????

2. Greg Vaughn

 Size: L

 Current Status: Sold

 Website: eBay

 Price: $4.99 + $4.99 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Some cracking in the printed logo/numbers.  Awesome shirt at a great price!”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: It was the 10th anniversary of Greg Vaughn not playing professional baseball. Greg’s SON, Cory, hit .267/.346/.424 at Double-A  Binghamton. Yeah. Also, holy shit, Greg Vaughn hit 50 home runs in 1998 and hit more home runs in his career than Luis Gonzalez and other good baseball players. Good for you, Greg Vaughn.

Strengths: He’s Mo Vaughn’s cousin. Also, this was awesome: “In 1999, he became the only player in major league history to be traded after a 50-homer season when the Padres traded him to the Cincinnati Reds. Vaughn’s arrival in Cincinnati caused a bit of a controversy with club ownership and their no facial hair policy. Vaughn styled a goatee that he really didn’t want to remove. Fans urged owner Marge Schott to lift the long standing policy that had been in place since 1967 which she eventually did. On the field, he hit 45 homers and became the second player in major league history to hit 40 or more homers in consecutive seasons with two different teams.” (Wikipedia)

Weaknesses: He’s not Mo Vaughn.

Overall Future Potential: 6; still a Vaughn

Realistic Role: 5; still not Mo Vaughn, or Greg Vaughan from General Hospital

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; we’ve discussed guys named Greg on the podcast

The Year Ahead: Presumably his son will continue to play minor league baseball while he continues to not be eligible for the Hall of Fame anymore :(

Wardrobe ETA: 1998

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Yankees BP Top 10 Prospects.

Costanza, Giambi, Melky, Hafner, and Nunez write-ups are courtesy of Andrew Mearns, editor and writer over at Pinstripe Alley, the SB Nation Yankees blorrogrogrogrogorgorogog. You can follow him @MearnsPSA.

System Quote: “Derek Jeter really sucks at shortstop.”

Yankees Top Ten:

1. George Costanza
2. Jason Giambi Red
3. Red Bernie Williams
4. Melky Cabrera
5. Derek Jeter Grease Stain
   
6. Pink Toddler A-Rod
7. Mark Teixiera
8. Travis Hafner
9. Tino Martinez
10. Eduardo Nunez

1. George Costanza

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Orioles BP Top 10 Prospects.

Christ, Chen, Pie, and Sosa write-ups are courtesy of OUR GOOD FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL ROBBIE SHORR. You can find him nowhere. He is a nice guy. You would probably like him too.

System Quote: “The Bible is the cradle wherein Christ hits 53 home runs.”

Orioles Top Ten:

1. Purple and Green Christ Davis
2. Melvin Mora
3. Koji Uehara
4. Mandarin Chinese Wei-Yin Chen
5. Vlad Guerrero
6. Garret Olson
7. Kevin Gregg
8. Felix Pie
9. Rafi Palmeiro
10. Sammy Sosa

1. Purple and Green Christ Davis

 Size: S, M, L (Apparently they have more than one of these)

 Current Status: 10 available (10!)

 Website: eBay

 Price: $17.99

 eBay Description: “Nobody knows t-shirts like Gildan, and this classic Ultra Cotton style is a great choice for teams, giveaways, marathons or anyone’s T-shirt drawer.”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 7 potential color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Everything. After a torrid start to the season, Davis took some time off because he died for our sins. When he eventually rose, Davis continued to hit balls far, breaking the Orioles single-season home run record.

Strengths: Contains a superhero reference. Is purple and green.

Weaknesses: Is purple and green. Doesn’t really help quiet steroid rumors. (I assume that whatever radioactive stuff gave Hulk his powers is a banned PED).

Overall Future Potential: 6; if you wear this at a bar, you’ll probably get a few high fives.

Realistic Role: 5; it’s highly unlikely Davis hits as many bombs as last year.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; comes with all of the questions that any power-hitting shirsey faces in baseball today.

The Year Ahead: Davis will have to take a backseat to next year’s “Edwin Encarnacion.”

Wardrobe ETA: 2015

2. Melvin Mora

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $3.84

 eBay Description: “Given away at Camden Yards. In 2008 or 2009.”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 8 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Melvin Mora spent most of his time at home taking care of his sextuplets.

Strengths: Like Mora, this shirt can play multiple positions. An extra large has the ability to clothe six children at the same damn time. Elite price.

Weaknesses: If you fear the devil, stay away from this shirsey. It features four different six grade tools and the number six on the back. Mora also has sextuplets. So yeah, beware. Also could be mistaken as a football coach shirsey.

Overall Future Potential: 6; because 6

Realistic Role: 6; because 6

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; price eliminates any semblance of risk.

The Year Ahead: The sextuplets will turn 12, seriously strengthening Fallston, Maryland’s Little League All Star Team’s entire infield. THE MORAS ARE EVERYWHERE.

Wardrobe ETA: 666

Continue reading →