Author Archives: jakemintz

Ryan Braun’s Actual Apology Letter

by jakemintz

Earlier today CFB did some digging into the Ryan Braun scandal. Here is the original first draft we found in Braun’s apartment. 

Dear Mom Fellow Players The World,

I am really really sorry for what I did. I know it was wrong for me to take durgs. PED’s aren’t just the first three letters in the word pedophile, they are bad durgs that are awesome harmful to the human body.

To all the hot girls kids: I’m sorry I let you down. The world should be a place where kids can trust the players they look up to and I am sorry that I fucked messed that up for you.

To my teammates: Thanks for stabbing me in the back sticking by my side when things got rough. It’s good to know that I always have a great bed clubhouse to fall back on.

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Benching In Baseball

by jakemintz

Yasiel Puig got benched the other day for being late to the ballpark. His coach sat him down for “the good of the team.” The Twittersphere is up in arms about how Puig’s benching was a pointless act that hurt the Doyers. I disagree. Benching players is an important part of the game because it has always been this way so of course it’s right. Duh. If I was the manager of every major league baseball team, there would be a number of players I would bench.

Yadier Molina

  • You’re always messing around during the game. Why are you the only player sitting down while all the other ones are standing up like adults? YOU’VE BEEN:

Hanley Ramirez

  • You accidentally nonchalantly kicked a baseball 5 years ago which is completely unacceptable. This isn’t soccer, bro. Get it together. YOU’VE BEEN:

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Baseball Pornstar Names

by jakemintz

These are all real baseball players who should probably consider a career change.

Orioles: Sammie Starr, Zelous Wheeler, Kyler Newby

D-Backs: Taylor Sinclair, Bubu Garcia

Braves: Terry Tiffe, Ryne Harper, Navery Moore,  Alex Wood, Donovan Drake

Cubs: Ty’relle Harris, Blake Lalli, Junior Lake, Dallas Beeler, Trey McNutt, Taylor Scott

White Sox: Dallas McPherson, Trayce Thompson, Shane Lindsey, Courntney Hawkins

Reds: Brian Peacock, Corky Miller, Brodie Greene, Justice French

Indians: Justin Toole, Alexis Parades, Louis Head, Kieran Lovegrove,

Rockies: Tyler Johnson, Alex White, Royce Ring, Parker Frazier, Taylor Featherston

Stairway To Heaven: Oakland Coliseum’s Left Field Mystery

by jakemintz

Oakland’s O.Co Coliseum has a reputation for being one of the worst parks in baseball. The sightlines are bad, the stands are far from the field of play, and the whole park feels outdated and just plain blech. Whenever I watch A’s games, the stairs in left field always seem to catch my eye. There’s no way they could be for football because baseball is the only sport in the world. So I always ponder about what the stairs are for, but I’ve never found the answer… until now.

Here is a closer look at the aforementioned stairs.

Theory 1: Workout Stairs

At first I thought the stairs must be for training. Players would just go out to left and run some stairs for exercise. Makes sense, right? Wrong. No team that employs Bartolo Colon would purposefully encompass a workout area into their stadium. The only way Bartolo would use these stairs would be if they looked like this:

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Players Who Took Steroids

by jakemintz

There is a problem with baseball. It’s not the new CBA. It’s not the Angels bullpen, and it’s not even the fact that there is an alleged rapist pitching for the Tampa Bay Rays. No, the enormous problem with baseball right now is durgs. Here are some buzzwords you need to know about durgs.

Buzz Word: BIOGENESIS

  • Biogenesis is a group of scientists working together to uncover biological secrets from the bible.

Buzz Word: HGH

  • HGH obviously stands for Hugh Grant’s Head which can be found by clicking here. What this has to do with steroids eludes me.

Buzz Word: 50 Game Suspension

  • When rappers 50 Cent and The Game are kept in suspense by the rap community about their feud.

Those were some buzz words that hopefully made the steroid issue more clear. Now let’s take a look at some players who must have taken steroids. I will provide photo evidence. These players are scoundrels and cheats and must be removed from the sport. They are slimeballs and poopyheads as well.

Miguel Cabrera

Cabrera on the left is from 1999 and Cabrera on the right is from this year. Notice how much bigger Cabrera on the right looks. Taking into account his growth in face fat and add that to the ridiculous year he’s having, it’s pretty much obvious that Cabrera is using some sort of illegal durgs.

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