Category Archives: Uncategorized

We couldn’t find a category for this stuff.

The Best Home Runs of the 2012 Regular Season

by Jordan Shusterman

Before CFB existed, I did a bit of baseball writing for my own amusement. Shortly after the Giants defeated the Tigers to capture the 2012 World Series Championship, I was craving more baseball. So with the help of the incredible HitTracker, I delved into my 21 favorite home runs of the 2012 regular season. So here they are, reproduced for CFB. Enjoy.

BALL GO FAR

Giancarlo Stanton Hits A Baseball 494 Feet:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=23980563&c_id=mlb

This is the first of Stanton’s multiple appearances on this list, and with good reason. The guy is a tank. He’s laughably strong, and whether you wanna credit Coors Field with the distance of this bomb, it was still the longest home run of the entire season. Something always worth watching in these home run clips is the catcher’s reaction as soon as the ball is hit. The slow-mo shot at :39 of Rockies catcher Wilin Rosario jerking his head away in disappointment is just hilarious. I also like the left fielder just hopelessly watching the ball fly into the seats. Sums up the Rockies’ season pretty well. My favorite part has to be at :11, the fan that looks legitimately angry to have not caught the ball. Dude, do you see where you’re sitting ? You’re like 50 rows up in dead center field !

Edwin Encarnacion’s Upper Upper Upper Upper Decker:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=24391923&c_id=mlb

Edwin Encarnacion showed up last year with a decent track record of major league power, but not THIS kind of power. This dinger was Edwin’s 36th of the year, and this dinger was just stupid. I’m not entirely sure if the pitcher/victim, JP Howell, fell down after the pitch (:03) in fear that his life/career might be in danger, but it certainly wouldn’t surprise me. Sure, hanging 80 MPH sliders down the pipe usually get crushed, but like this ? Nah.

Nelson Cruz Is A MONSTER:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=22002055&c_id=mlb

Nelson Cruz isn’t really that good of a baseball player anymore, but he can still hit the ball really freakin’ far. Before the pitch, Cruz, like most hitters in a 3-0 count, doesn’t look very interested. Most batters should, and often do take the next pitch no matter what. However, if fringy reliever Bobby Cassevah puts it on a tee for you, you should probably do what NC-17 does here. I’m extremely amused by the left fielder running back as if he even has a CHANCE at catching it. Not so much. I also love Elvis Andrus’ awkward high-five attempt with a distracted Michael Young at :40.

Cameron Maybin Apparently Has Power:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=22789511&c_id=mlb&topic_id=vtp_interstate

Maybin’s power hasn’t quite developed the way some scouts envisioned, but he’s still young, and there’s still time. However, in this July contest, Maybin unleashed one of the more shockingly distant homers of the year. 3-1 count, Trevor Cahill throws an 89 MPH meatball, and Maybin does the rest. The fan that retrieves the ball at :16 is great. I noticed the left fielder started running back towards the ball and then was quickly like ohhhhhhhh nevermind around :08. Always the little things.

Nelson Cruz Punishes A Guy Named Frieri (almost a good pun):

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=23548781&c_id=mlb&topic_id=vtp_interstate

Ernesto Frieri was freakishly albeit unsustainably good once traded to the Angels from San Diego, and this wasn’t even a bad pitch. 95 low and in, and Nelson golfed it WAYYYYYYYY back, like way back way back. Just demolished. At :38, Pujols is like, “Yo man, anywhere but there. Seriously.”

Justin Maxwell Does What Most People Do In Coors Field Except A Lot Farther:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=21848667&c_id=mlb

Justin Maxwell can hit baseballs really far, sometimes. He can’t do much else, but any moderately compelling skill will get you a spot on the Astros. Point being, the dude can do things like this, and that’s worth something. The most astounding part of this video is the absurd number of Rockies fans in attendance for an Astros-Rockies game. Good for them, though. If you pause the video at :06, you’ll see a common sight for Rockies fans. Pitcher looking down in dismay, batter happily beginning his trot around the bases. Oh, Rockies :(

Luis Mendoza Gives Up A Home Run To Travis Hafner Because Duh:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=20645461&c_id=mlb

Besides the fact that he looks like he really has to poop before he pitches, Luis Mendoza is one of those pitchers that you watch simply because you know he’s gonna give up a bomb like this. In this case, Travis Hafner just obliterates this pitch over everything in right field. I can just imagine a KC fan with seats in right, waiting for a home run ball after countless Jeff Franceour fly outs. “Oh here finally a ball that’s hit towards me yay here it comes oh no wait not that far oh man the Royals just stink :( ”

BJ Upton Hits A Foul Ball Over 9,000 Feet:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=25277779&c_id=mlb

The player known as Bossman hit a career high 28 homers last year, but this foul ball might actually be more impressive than any of those. I don’t really know what to say. I’m highly entertained by the fan who gets the ball at :13 and is just like “okay, so that happened” and then his buddy giving him a pat on the back. Those guys are like 200 feet up at the back of the dome !!! BJ’s facial expression at :22 is just priceless.

FUCKING LASERS

Jamie Moyer Throws A 72 MPH Fastball To Giancarlo Stanton; Hilarity Ensues:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=21638519&c_id=mlb

Easily one of the more famous home runs of the 2012 season, this bomb came off of Stanton’s bat at a ridiculous 122.4 MPH. So many things to discuss, with the broken scoreboard, the fact that holy shit Jamie Moyer was still pitching, the fact that seriously what did you think was gonna happen, etc etc. I’ve watched this several dozen times now, and what I notice is the catcher at the VERY beginning. He’s looking over at the Rockies dugout, where he presumably just got the sign for what pitch the put down for Moyer. And then Moyer threw whatever the hell that was. I mean, come on. Of course 22 (!!!) year old Giancarlo Stanton was gonna hit a grand slam off of 49 (!!!) year old Jamie Moyer. Of course.

Giancarlo Stanton Hits A Cole Hamels Change-up Really, Really, Really Hard:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=22718959&c_id=mlb

Cole Hamels has one of the more devastating change-ups in baseball, but this is a prime example of what can quickly go horribly wrong if you keep it over the plate to the wrong guy.

Hanley Ramirez Hits A Double To Center Field Oh Wait That Is Actually A Home Run How Did He Do That:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=23109939&c_id=mlb

Hanley had quite a disappointing season with the Marlins before being traded to the Dodgers for a bag of chips and Nate Eovaldi, but this home run stands alone as the one that I genuinely still can’t comprehend how it got out of the park. Off the bat, it looks like a double, maybe even a single to the left-center field gap. But no. Oh no. This just kept going and going and going. The unsuspecting female fan shielding her face from the ball at :07 is funny, but you can’t blame her. She had three and a half seconds from the moment Hanley made contact to when that baseball was coming straight for her face. Unreal bat speed, with the vintage Hanley follow-through and leisurely trot around the bases to boot. Awesome.

Justin Upton Makes You Want To Draft Him Too High In Every Fantasy League For The Rest Of Time:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=24609089&c_id=mlb

Not too much to say here, other than that it is really difficult to hit home runs at Petco Park and Justin Upton made it look embarrassingly easy. It’s such a sweet swing. The thing that throws me off here is at :38 when the announcer says Upton “didn’t try to do too much” with the pitch. That’s a baseball phrase that usually applies to a single poked through the hole between third and short, not a 430 foot bomb to center field in the most pitcher-friendly park in baseball.

If that’s Upton “not trying to do too much”, I wonder what it looks like when he DOES try to do “too much”. Oh yeah, it’s this (BONUS CLIP aka my favorite home run of all time):

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=13723163

Justin Upton is just the best.

Adam Jones Takes #NATITUDE To A Whole New Level:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=22528001&c_id=mlb

Often times when home runs are hit, you have a second or two to admire them as they head towards the seats. In this case, Jones just pulls it as hard as he possibly can and then a second later it hits the foul pole. Home run. Not much time to process what actually happened. It’s important to note where the catcher sets up for the pitch (low and away), and where the unfortunate ball actually ended up (right down the freakin’ middle). “Taking advantage of a rare mistake by Edwin Jackson”, proclaims the announcer. Yeah, no. Not so rare. This happens quite often.

Rickie Weeks Still Has Ridiculous Bat Speed Despite Hitting .230: 

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=20484059&c_id=mlb

The Weeks brothers, both Rickie and Jemile, have been known to have an incredible amount of bat speed. This is a solid example, as Rickie drills one and almost kills an innocent and most likely depressed Cubs fan sitting right next to the left field foul pole. The home run is cool, sure, but the thing I noticed is how excited the fan is to have the ball at :10 … and then seeing the ball thrown back on the field at :16. It’s Wrigley tradition to throw the ball back when the homer is from another team, but in this case, the fans with the ball genuinely look happy to have caught it ! Don’t give into peer pressure ! I bet they miss that baseball. Anyway, yeah. Rickie Weeks can still do things like this.

Yoenis Cespedes Has CORE STRENGTH:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=22473041&c_id=mlb

This was one of the most exciting home runs of Oakland’s confusingly epic season of walk-offs, and it’s really something. The amount of torque Cespedes produces in this swing is just crazy, and he almost ends up on one knee, much like Adrian Beltre does after the majority of his swings. When Cespedes takes his helmet off at :23, you get a solid sense that he really hasn’t done much to maintain those eyebrows at all in his 27 year existence. But that’s the way he likes them. Ain’t nobody gonna tell him otherwise.

Melky Cabrera Does Something Interesting Before Getting Suspended For Steroids Ugh Why Melky Why:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=21740411&c_id=mlb

Here we have former San Francisco Giants enigma Melky Cabrera hitting a home run off of former Marlins ace Josh Johnson. Johnson actually hits his spot perfectly, but in a(nother) season of improbable Melky things, this improbable Melky thing was bound to happen. When he hits it, Melky has this brief look of “oh crap, didn’t mean to do that”, as the ball sails towards foul territory. But like most of the bombs in this category, it just kept going.

STUPID HIGH

Michael Cuddyer Hits A Pop Up To The Shortstop But Oh Wait We Are In Coors Field So It’s A Homer: 

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=23428725&c_id=mlb

If there was ever a video that briefly defines the Coors Field effect, this is probably the one. Michael Cuddyer basically hits a pop fly. Everyone on the field assumes it’s a pop fly. The pitcher, Jose Arredondo, doesn’t even turn around at first. The third baseman and the shortstop actually point up as if to signal a pop fly at :02. Lucky for Cuddyer, he’s in Colorado. I’d be a huge proponent of a remix entitled “Tell Me How I’m Supposed To Post An ERA Under 5.00 With No Air” – Jordin Sparks featuring Skrillex and the entire Rockies pitching staff. Yeah, that should totally be a thing.

Asdrubal Cabrera Hits It Really High; Accidentally Produces Dinger:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=21577599&c_id=mlb

Asdrubal, oh Asdrubal. Something odd that I notice about many home runs hit at Progressive Field is that the camera always pans WAY up to the point where for a second you’re like “oh my god he hit that ball 600 feet didn’t he”. This is a perfect example. If you pause the video at :05, you might think that ball is the farthest home run in the history of the world. Granted, this was indeed one of the highest hit home runs of the year with an apex of 137 feet, but Indians broadcasts do this ALL the time, and it drives me nuts. In reality, it was just over the right field wall.

Jed Lowrie Does What Most Small Scrappy White Kids Dream They Could Do At Minute Maid Park:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=21187035&c_id=mlb

This one is just absolutely hysterical. Everything about it. Scrawny little Jed Lowrie golfs a shitty pitch about 320 feet into the hilariously short porch in left field at Minute Maid Park. This has to be the least impressive home run of all time and I just love it. It was even ruled a double before they reviewed it ! I’m sure the umpires saw it and were like “no no no no there is no way this should actually count as a home run… *watches replay* … damn”. It was over the fence by a few inches. Also, where else can the ball bounce off the left field wall and be fielded by the shortstop ?! The best part for me is big fat Carlos Lee rumbling around third base. This actually might be one of the funnier things I saw all year. When the ball is first hit, you can see Lee walking confidently towards third base at :03, assuming it’s a home run. When the ball caroms off the wall, Lee quickly realizes “oh shit, I should probably score”. WITH A LEAD, it took Carlos Lee 13.2 seconds to score from second base. For comparison sake, on July 15th, Reds superfreak Billy Hamilton, who broke the minor league record for stolen bases last year with 155, hit an inside-the-park home run for Double-A Pensacola. It took him 13.8 seconds to round the bases. Just hilarious.

Billy Hamilton’s inside the parker:

http://www.milb.com/multimedia/vpp.jsp?content_id=23065785&source=MILB

Miguel Cabrera Hits A Baseball While Chone Figgins Attempts To Play Left Field:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=20942345&c_id=mlb

This one is much like the oppo-taco Miggy hit off Matt Cain in Game 4 of the World Series, except significantly funnier because Mariners. First, we see Chone Figgins trying his best to track this fly ball from :03 to :09, with no avail. Then you notice the pitch location on the FoxTrax at :35, which makes it look like the pitch was either going to hit him, or go behind him. It seems a bit exaggerated. Also, Hector Noesi is awful.

Todd Helton Hits A Walk-Off Home Run And Oh By The Way The Ball Was In The Air For Seven Seconds:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=20631483&c_id=mlb

As a Rockies fan, this was probably the best moment of the season. It meant nothing in the grand scheme of things, but then again, none of this stuff does. It was a walk-off home run after an obnoxiously long rain delay, as evidenced by the lack of fans and messy infield. Basically, this was the highest hit ball of the 2012 season, with an unfathomable apex of 162 feet. Much like the Asdrubal homer, if you pause the video at :08, you might think the ball is actually going to leave the stadium, never to return. Sure enough, the ball landed about three feet beyond the right field fence, barely to the left of the foul pole. It had a relatively unimpressive True Distance of 366 feet, but it was by far the most exciting and dramatic hit of CLOLorado’s tragically disastrous season, and I’m glad it happened. Sidenote: I love the guy who has the ball at :20, wearing an Indians jacket (?!?!).

Josh Hamilton Hits Another Stupid Josh Hamilton Home Run:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=21344977&c_id=mlb

Josh Hamilton did a lot of completely nonsensical things this year, like hitting four home runs in one game. While that was obviously more impressive, I found this one notable because of the bizarre angle at which the ball comes off the bat. When the ball leaves the screen, it looks like it’s headed towards space. Hard to fully understand it without watching it, but of course that’s the entire point of this whole thing, so watch the video ! What happens at :32 is something I began noticing in the middle of the 2011 season. It seems that whenever a Ranger hits a home run, especially at home, he returns to the dugout to an audible hyena like squeeling that I’m 97% sure is Ian Kinsler. You can hear it :38 when you see Hamilton giving an unseen teammate a high-five and just…I don’t know.

***

So there. My 22 (21) favorite home runs of the 2012 Major League Baseball regular season. I’d like to conclude this piece with my all-time favorite home run call. This was actually from the 2011 season, but it’s absolutely fantastic, and I wanted to share it. Take it away, Brandon.

Brandon Inge Hits A Walk-Off Home Run, Sends Everybody Home:

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?c_id=mlb&content_id=19054689&query=game_pk%3D289074

perkins lawl

#GlenPerkinsFace

Hate-Watching the 2013 NFL Draft: A Timeline

by Jordan Shusterman

“Come forth young players of the football, and prepare for thy first concussion.”

***

I don’t watch football anymore. I tried to watch the NFL Draft. This is how it went.

7:47 PM: ESPN cuts away to what is most likely their final commercial before the draft begins. There is an intense montage showcasing three athletic looking humans that I have never seen in my life. One of them is named Geno.

7:52 PM: Mel Kiper is yelling at me about Geno’s mobility. They don’t seem to be listing his home to first time, so it’s hard to say how fast he actually is.

7:57 PM:  They’re discussing potential top pick Eric Fisher who is approximately 7″4 and 478 lbs. He apparently plays on the offensive line which I assume is a line of similar 20 grade bodies who only profile at first base.

8:02 PM: Chris Berman seems already be intoxicated and I’m reminded that I know nothing about football anymore. I am delightfully content with this. “It’s as if we’re kicking off the season tonight!”, Berman exclaims. No. Just no.

8:04 PM: Commissioner Roger Goodell gives heartwarming introduction. While attempting to remember the victims of the West, Texas and Boston bombing tragedies, he is booed mercilessly by the drunken ballfoot fans of New York. USA chants break out. What the hell is this?

8:11 PM: Kiper mentions trading down for someone named Ryan Madson. I was almost positive he was on the DL, but maybe he’s draft eligible…? Not sure this would be the best career move for him. While admittedly the role as Angels closer is an intimidating task, entering the League of National Football seems ill-conceived.

8:12 PM: Barkevious Mingo sounds like an awful, awful disease. And is unquestionably straight from Key & Peele.

8:17 PM: The aforementioned unfathomably large Fisher is taken number one overall by the Kansas City Chiefs. It’s nice to be reminded that the #BARVES and the Indians aren’t the only professional teams left offending Native Americans on a daily basis.

8:20 PM: I switch over to the Reds-Nationals game and am instantly more entertained by Bronson Arroyo’s facial hair than anything that has happened in the NFL Draft so far. Bryce Harper doubles down the left field line because duh.

8:31 PM: Berman is yelling random stuff at Kiper and Jon Gruden and they literally don’t know how to respond, resulting in an uncomfortable amount of silence.

8:33 PM: The Raiders trade their pick to the Dolphins for some reason that I don’t care about but man oh man I wish teams could trade draft picks in the MLB draft.

8:35 PM: Miami takes a guy named Dion Jordan who is on the phone in tears and an underwhelming bow-tie. Gruden looks mortified. HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO HIM ?!?!?!?!?! When asked about the trade, Jordan explains to Suzy Kolber “it surprised me, cause it’s my first time”. As opposed to…?

8:43 PM: I’m reminded that a lot of the music played over ESPN football highlights sounds like it’s straight from Mario Kart 64. The E-A-G-L-E-S take another large human named Lane Johnson. Lane’s VIP table in the back includes a young woman with braces (who I can only assume is related to Alcides Escobar) and a short old man with a 70 grade mustache and a cowboy hat.

8:47 PM: Chris Berman compares the draft to playing with Legos. Not sure where to go from here.

8:51 PM: With the fifth pick, The Lions take a guy who is apparently from Ghana named Ezekiel Ansah. He gives who I presume is his mother an extremely slow hug. He has cornrows and is wearing hipster glasses that I’m 83% sure do not have lenses. Wait no, 100% sure. Wow. Apparently he plays football.

8:55 PM: The Cleveland Oranges take Mingo. He looks like a fine upstanding citizen but more importantly HIS NAME IS LITERALLY BARKEVIOUS MINGO. HOW EVEN

9:10 PM: The St. Louis Rams take speedy WR Tavon Austin. Would Tavon be better than Trayvon in center field? These are the vital questions that ESPN fails to ask.

9:17 PM: The Jets are about to draft someone and everyone is going to boo. It’s the excessive pitching change of the NFL Draft.

9:18 PM: The Jets draft someone and everyone boos.

9:27 PM: The Titans, my favorite team as a child (RIP Steve McNair) draft an immense offensive lineman from Alabama who apparently could not find a jersey that fit him during his entire career there. Yay?

9:31 PM: I can’t take it anymore. I’m off to make more Darvish .gifs.

<3

Jack Ear Hobbits On Day

by jakemintz

 A Sexy Sexy Sexy Man

  • In honor of Jackie Robinson Day, all players change their last names to Robinson.
  • In honor of Jackie Robinson Day, the Dodgers move their fences in to 42 feet. Dee Gordon can finally hit home runs.
  • In honor of Jackie Robinson Day, Trayvon Robinson gets to start in CF.
  • In honor of Jackie Robinson Day, all pitchers are taken out after 42 pitches.
  • In honor of Jackie Robinson Day, only 42 year old players are allowed to play. Those players are:
    • Darren Oliver
    • Jason Giambi
  • In honor of Jackie Robinson Day, we recognize players with exactly 42.0 career WAR. These players are:
    • Wally Berger
    • Goose Gossage
    • Jim Perry
    • Davey Lopes
    • Darryl Strawberry

So on this sacred day, be thankful for Jackie and all the “athletic” and “raw” and “toolsy” baseball players that wouldn’t be playing if not for him. Also, without Jackie, we wouldn’t have any of the following .gifs.

Baseball From the Holy Land

by jakemintz

Israel is famous for many things. Hills, history, hummus, horrible drivers; the list goes on and on. Its past is littered with fascinating events that have helped shape human history. Israel has a lot to offer to a nice young Jewish boy like myself. It’s too bad baseball is not one of them.

I’m in this country for 3 months. Opening day will come and go without me. Some bad team will get off to a hot start and I won’t particularly care. Someone will do something insane with a glove or a bat or a microphone and it will fly right by my eyes.

Do I miss it? Of course. Do I wish I could sit on my couch and watch MLB Network until my brain turns to soup? Yes. But there’s nothing I can do now except watch highlights on my laptop while my roommates snore next to me.

Only now, after being forcefully divorced from baseball, have I come to realize just how much I love it. As I tour this beautiful country and soak in its natural beauty, baseball still dominates my mind. “Check out that hill” someone will say. “Will Aaron Hill be able to repeat his absurd 2012?” is what my mind wanders to. Today I learned about the father of modern Kabbalah, Rabbi Isaac Loria. Did anyone in the room know who Jeffrey Loria is? Probably not. But I giggled to myself anyway.

I’ll fly home on May 21st having had a life-changing experience. It’s comforting to know that when I return, baseball will be there with opens arms waiting to accept my sorry ass back.

Kelly Vs. Avril: The Showdown You’ve All Been Waiting For

by Jordan Shusterman

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal…”

Stop right there, Thomas Jefferson.

There’s Kelly Clarkson and Avril Lavigne, and then there’s the rest of humanity.

It’s an undeniable hierarchy that has slowly made its way to the core of the friendship between CFB founders Jordan Shusterman and Jake Mintz. Two unbelievable female vocal sensations, forever linked by the intense bond of both having happened to have their careers take off in the year 2002. Their musical styles aren’t even that similar but who even cares because this is a big deal and you should pay attention to it. We are both in complete acceptance that each other’s favorite is an amazing musician/strong independent woman/human being/representative of Earth. However, we would like to take the time to try and convince you, the reader, which one is better.

Jake is a devoted Kelly Clarkson enthusiast; when he’s not spamming the news feeds of innocent facebookers with his not-so-subtle Spotify endeavors, you can probably find him belting “The Trouble With Love Is” in his adorable little red Accord. His workout playlist consists of Kelly and Kelly only, and he has no shame in admitting that. It’s a complex obsession that is genuine and full of #want.

Jordan has always proclaimed his love for Avril, often citing her incredible peak as one of the many reasons for such intense interest in her musical works of art. Recently spotted faintly singing the greatest hits from Avril’s legendary debut album “Let Go” at 4 AM at a New Year’s party, Jordan is always happy to spread Avril fever to anyone and everyone in his vicinity (or in that case, those who were still awake).

That’s just some background. This is only the beginning. What follows is an in-depth look at what this completely made-up rivalry truly consists of.

***************************************************************************************************************

We will present our own case, as well as provide .gifs because this is the internet and what is an article without .gifs? Let’s start with some simple comparisons.

FULL NAME:

Kelly: Kelly Brianne Clarkson

Avril: Avril Ramona Lavigne

BIRTHDAY/AGE:

Kelly: April 24th, 1982. 30 years old.

Avril: September 27th, 1984. 28 years old.

BIRTHPLACE: 

Kelly: Fort Worth, Texas, THESE United States of America

Avril: Belleville, Ontario, OHHHHHHHHH Canada

IS SHE TALLER THAN JOSE ALTUVE?

Kelly: Yeah, not even close.

Avril: Probably.

DOES SHE WEIGH MORE THAN DEE GORDON?

Kelly: Almost definitely

Avril: Maybe

MOST FLATTERING .GIFS:

Kelly:

Avril:

LEAST FLATTERING .GIF:

Kelly:

Avril:

APPROXIMATE NUMBER OF GOOGLE SEARCH RESULTS:

Kelly: 99.2 million results

Avril: 89.8 million results

APPROXIMATE NUMBER OF YOUTUBE SEARCH RESULTS:

Kelly: 299,000 results

Avril: 404,000 results

NUMBER OF VEVO SUBSCRIBERS (AS OF 2/20/13):

Kelly: 389,706 subscribers

Avril: 1,394,477 subscribers

NUMBER OF VEVO VIEWS (AS OF 2/20/13):

Kelly: 350,413,018 views

Avril: 965,509,524 views

WIKIPEDIA WORD COUNT:

Kelly: 5910 words

Avril: 7239 words

NUMBER OF WIKIPEDIA CITATIONS:

Kelly: 120 citations

Avril: 175 citations

PANDORA RADIO BIOGRAPHY WORD COUNT:

Kelly: 743 words

Avril: 71o words

NUMBER OF ALBUMS:

Kelly: 5

Avril: 4

NUMBER OF SINGLES:

Kelly: 25

Avril: 17

NUMBER OF MUSIC VIDEOS:

Kelly: 24

Avril: 20

MOST RIDICULOUS LYRIC:

Kelly:

“And I may not be Einstein but I know,
Dumb plus dumb equals you.
Dumb plus dumb equals you.”

~ “Einstein (2011)”

Avril:

“I hate it when a guy doesn’t understand,
Why a certain time of month, I don’t wanna hold his hand.”

~ “The Best Damn Thing (2007)”

MOST ABSURD .GIF:

Kelly:

Avril:

CLAIM TO FAME:

Kelly: Winning the first season of American Idol

Avril: Being a rebellious 17 year old who wrote a song about things being complicated

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

Kelly: Engaged to Brandon Blackstock (Stepson of Reba McEntire)

Avril: Engaged to Chad Kroeger (Lead singer of Nickelback)

PAST RELATIONSHIPS:

Kelly: None that are known of publicly.

Avril: 2006-2009: Married to Deryck Whibley, lead singer and guitarist of the band Sum 41 (questionable Y in the first name; probably distantly related to Jayson and Laynce Nix). Dated professional celebrity Brody Jenner from 2010 to early 2012.

WAS SHE ON “SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH”?

Kelly: Yes, as an extra in one scene. You can see her walk by in the .gif below. Watch closely.

Avril: Yes, as herself. She performed “Sk8er Boi”.

GOOGLE IMAGE RESULTS WHEN ADDING THE WORD “BASEBALL”:

  

We’ve already covered Avril’s first pitch endeavors, but what’s striking here are the two teams represented. The Rangers and the Blue Jays were reportedly the finalists for one special Japanese pitcher by the name of  YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU (Crank that Soulja Boy) Darvish. It’s evidenced by this MLBTradeRumors update from 12/11/11. While the Rangers eventually ended up with Darvish, it’s clear that this rivalry has taken itself far beyond the world of CFB. It’s real, people.

What does Yu think of all this?

“baseball very good”

Ooooooooooooooooooooookay then. Moving on.

BASEBALL PLAYER WHOSE NAME IS MOST SIMILAR:

Kelly: Dad (?!?!) Clarkson, RHP for the 1891 New York Giants

Avril: Art LaVigne, C/1B for the 1914 Buffalo Buffeds

FAVORITE CEREAL:

Kelly: Cocoa Puffs

Avril: Cocoa Pebbles

LEAST FAVORITE COUNTY IN WYOMING:

Kelly: Washakie County (Population: 8,289)

Avril: Niobrara County (Population: 2,407)

THE TOOLS: 

Kelly: 8 Raw Vocals, 4 Weight Control, 4 Hair, 6 Depression, + Durability

Avril: 5 Raw Vocals, 8 Sadness, 8 Depression, 7 Hair, Maturity an Issue

IS SHE LIKELY TO READ THIS?

Kelly: No

Avril: No

MAJOR LEAGUE ETA: 

Kelly: Never

Avril: Never

***************************************************************************************************************

CONCLUSION

Jake (Kelly): Kelly Clarkson has lived a life. She rose to the top of the music world only to fall back into the abyss only to climb back out of said abyss back to the top. Her voice has cured disease, put gang wars on hold, and raised both the roof and the debt ceiling. Avril’s best songs (Sk8r Boi, Complicated, and I’m With You) are very good. Kelly has at least 10 songs in that same echelon of loveliness. (Breakaway, Since U Been Gone, Behind These Hazel Eyes, Because of You, Walk Away, Mrs. Independent, A Moment Like This, Stronger, The Trouble With Love Is, and Catch My Breath)

Let me leave you with one last point. If you google “Kelly Clarkson America” you will get this as the top video result. If you were to click on that video you would watch a simple farm girl from Oklahoma turn the Presidential Inauguration into her own personal reclamation concert. Imagine Avril trying to command that moment. She’d wilt like a flower. Those 3 minutes and 16 seconds exemplify what Kelly Clarkson is all about: stage presence, untouchable vocal talent, and pure grace.

Jordan (Avril): It’s incredibly difficult to dispute Kelly’s accolades and accomplishments, so I’m gonna avoid blatantly bashing one of our generation’s more talented musical superstars. However, what Kelly lacks is the true cult following that Avril developed in the early stages of her momentous career. It was a lifestyle that defined a generation of angsty teenage girls that just wanted to wear a tie, break something, or attempt to ride a skateboard. So why, do you ask, am I, a male high school senior, so committed to Avril being superior? It’s about the peak. It’s about her debut album “Let Go” which was released when she was SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD, selling over 16 million copies. It’s about the range of moods that Avril so beautifully expresses through anthems such as “Sk8er Boi” and “Girlfriend”.

“You know that I’m a crazy bitch/ I do what I want when I feel like it”, Avril proclaims in the beginning of her smash hit 2011 single “Smile”. It’s true. She does do what she wants when she feels like it. And sometimes, she feels like writing something a little more serious; a heartbreaking masterpiece entitled “When You’re Gone”. You go watch that music video and try and tell me that all Avril cares about is fucking shit up and “going on a million dates”. The amount of emotions that Avril’s music pulls out of any casual listener is unmatched.

Kelly Clarkson is an amazing singer. Her most successful song, “Breakaway”, is a must-listen for me for pretty much any occasion. Oh, what’s that ? IT WAS WRITTEN BY AVRIL LAVIGNE ?! I rest my case.

***************************************************************************************************************

SO…WHO WINS?

We all do.

The human race has been blessed with these two unbearably fantastic singers. It’s the debate that keeps their legends alive. Make your voice heard. Ask yourself daily: Kelly or Avril? The American Idol sensation whose vocals have carried her to great heights for over a decade? Or the Canadian icon who once beat up a guy in a hot dog costume?

You know the right choice.

#CFB

Avril Lavigne Threw Two Ceremonial First Pitches; Let’s Over-analyze Them

by Jordan Shusterman

While rival Kelly Clarkson has sung more Star-Spangled Banners in her career, my favorite Canadian (sorry Joey Votto), Avril Lavigne, leads another category of pre-game traditions: the ceremonial first pitch. She’s thrown two; one during the 2009 season in Toronto, and one in Tampa Bay during the 2011 season (the same night she later performed a disastrous concert and got booed off the stage for cursing everyone out). I’ve decided to take the analytic approach to these occurrences. I’ve obviously .giffed them, and at the end I’m gonna throw some 20-80 grades on Avril’s pitching mechanics with the help of the all-knowing Doug Thorburn (pitching guru at Baseball Prospectus).

This was Avril’s first pitch in Tampa Bay:

To start, she’s standing about 10 feet in front of the mound, so we know her arm strength isn’t exactly a plus tool. But she plants her right foot somewhat correctly, and fires an eephus-like dart to then Rays reliever Adam Russell. At first I thought it was JP Howell, who currently wears number 39 for the Rays. And then this little meet and greet happened:

JP Howell is only 6″0 tall and 190 lbs. I know Avril is small. But if that’s Howell, she’s a legal midget…and I’m pretty sure that’s not the case. The player who Avril is actually posing with looks legitimately twice her size. Sure enough, it’s Russell (then number 36), who is listed at a ridiculous 6″8 and 255 lbs. Makes more sense.

We are fortunate to have a side angle for this pitch, which is an essential view when evaluating top pitching prospects such as Avril Ramona Lavigne. She takes the ball out of her glove awfully early, almost like a right-handed Brian Fuentes, except not at all.

This action shot gives us a better sense of what pitch Avril was throwing:

Hard to judge, considering how tiny her hands are, but it looks like a palmball/change-up hybrid grip, as also evidenced by the late arm-side run the pitch shows. I’m almost positive Juan Francisco would swing at it.

***************************************************************************************************

Let’s move on to Avril’s other ceremonial first pitch.

Again, we see her throwing from closer than where the mound actually is, except in this case, they even moved the plate up for her. It’s a big breaker. This shot of her right after the release is incredibly informative:

You usually want your glove pointing to your target when you’re pitching, but it’s not like Avril gives a shit. Her fingers are actually indicating some type of knuckleball variation, which could explain the intense movement, and also why the Jays would trade for RA Dickey three years later.

More curiously, this is what Avril did after she threw the pitch:

It seems to be her version of Aroldis Chapman’s infamous somersault.

***************************************************************************************************

Balance (55): It’s pretty solid, as her low effort delivery allows her to not fall down and completely embarrass herself. It’s unquestionably better than Carlos MarmLOL, and she also keeps her head relatively aligned with the rest of her body throughout the delivery.

Momentum (45): It’s eh. Her stride is certainly strong, which helps, but when you consider how limited/non-existent the leg kick is, it’s hard to go higher for this one.

Torque (30):  Very poor. One would hope that she could maintain at least one other similar quality to Aroldis, such as the elite torque that he produces with his max-effort delivery, but I guess not. There’s just not a lot of pushing that baseball forward. Needs improvement.

Posture (80): She’s essentially standing straight up until she releases the ball, so I gotta hand her an elite grade for posture. It’s unclear if she knows that she’s supposed to lift her leg at all, but hey, posture is posture is posture. Whether it’s accidental or not.

Release Distance (30): There’s zero leg kick whatsoever, and that kinda dooms this grade from the start. I’m tempted to throw at least a 4 on this one, seeing as the amount of movement she gets on the pitch (due mostly to gravity, but whatever) even with the horrendous release is extremely impressive. The pitch in Toronto shows uncanny similarities to Sergio Romo’s slider. But unfortunately, she’s really not releasing it anywhere close to the optimal point in her delivery, thus the below-average grade.

Repetition and Timing (20):  You say small sample size, I say this is a complete disaster and a serious disappointment. These two pitches were thrown at completely different angles, release points…even the arm action was different. Sure, we’re only looking at two pitches ever, but the huge mechanical discrepancy between the two is just bad. Let’s be honest…she’s probably gonna have to move to the bullpen.

 

#CFB

The Ballad of Milton Bradley

by jakemintz

Milton Bradley

Last thursday former Expos, Indians, Dodgers, Athletics, Padres, Rangers, Cubs, and Mariners center fielder Milton Bradley was charged with 13 misdemeanor counts of assault. The charges are serious, he faces up to 13 years in prison, and his actions malicious as Bradley is accused of threatening and abusing his wife at least 5 times since 2011.

Bradley is 34. If he had reached his enormous potential, he would probably still be playing baseball right now. Bradley’s career was littered with uncontrolled emotional outbursts and unnecessary confrontations. Here are just a few of them:

  • August 2003: Pulled over for speeding, but refused the ticket and sped away. Pled innocent to speeding and fleeing charges. Spent three days in jail.
  • March 2004: Banned from Indians training camp after not running out a popup. He was traded to the Dodgers weeks later.
  • June 2004: Ejected from a game for arguing balls and strikes. Later emerged from the dugout and threw a ball bag on to the field.
  • September 2004: Suspended for remainder of season after he picked up a bottle thrown at him by a fan and threw it back into the crowd and screamed at the fan.
  • September 2007: Tore ACL while being held back by manager Bud Black after arguing with an umpire.

The list goes on, but I won’t bore you with the details. Throughout his career Bradley deservingly gained a label for being troublemaker. He moved around a lot, 8 teams in 11 years, and created incidents wherever he went. His bad attitude a result of an extremely difficult childhood, Bradley’s play dropped off a cliff after he signed a three year deal with the cubs in 2009.  Bradley came from a broken home and never really seemed to have any significant support system. There’s no way to rationalize or make excuses for Bradley, what he did was horrible, but his difficult upbringing undoubtedly played a role in his own struggles.

It’s important to consider that Bradley wasn’t a horrible person. After an altercation with a Royals announcer in 2008 Bradley spoke to the Rangers’ clubhouse in tears and said “All I want to do is play baseball and make a better life for my kid than I had, that’s it. I love you guys… I’m strong, but not thats strong.” He also worked with children’s charities in the LA area during his time with the Dodgers and founded two baseball academies near his Long Beach home. Bradley certainly felt obligated to help those less fortunate then himself, but deeply troubled he never found enough support to save him from himself.

The discussion in baseball recently has focused around how Major League Baseball looks down upon steroid and drug use, but doesn’t see the need to police  things like DUI’s, and wife beatings. Instead of debating over steroid use, the office of MLB should put more focus on actually helping players like Bradley and Jones. There are flawed human beings in every facet of society and baseball isn’t dealing with an epidemic, but the journey to the majors is a  taxing process on one’s emotion. Setting up stronger support systems for players that lack such a thing might help minimize tragic stories like Bradley’s.