A Journey Into the Mind of Heath Bell

This past Saturday night, Heath Bell blew his seventh save of the season. His catastrophic outings have spawned #TheHeathBellExperience and the baseball internet just loves to bash him on a seemingly nightly basis. But what’s his side of the story?

Here is a brief journey into the mind of Heath Bell.

“Welp, another day, another four runs allowed. Might as well wear a questionable graphic t-shirt and take a selfie in an elevator”

“Really? You’ve got a two run lead with the heart of the order coming up and you’re bringing ME in? Hilarious.”

“haha I’m a baseball pitcher”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BASES ARE LOADED AND NOBODY’S OUT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

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Jose Fernandez Continues Backwards Pitching Revolution

A couple months ago we looked at Angels pitcher Garrett Richards and his new unorthodox approach to pitching. It’s been a quiet time for this new strategy, but last night it struck again thanks to Marlins rookie phenom Jose Fernandez. No, it wasn’t the eight innings of scoreless pitching that got our attention. It wasn’t the 10 strikeouts either. It wasn’t even this absurdly nasty slider that caused Carlos Quentin to quit baseball.

What made Jose Fernandez’s outing Monday night so special was this one pitch to Chase Headley in the seventh inning…

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Highlighting the Worst Hats In Baseball: Round One

All of these hats are better than what is coming

By Andrew Meyer

Hello CFB readers. While Jake gave me an introduction earlier, I was (and still am) busy with school, and thus posting has been something hard to get around too while I work on projects/have panic attacks/wonder why the inevitable heat death of the universe is so far off.

I will do a formal introduction later on, but there is something much more important to discuss. Hats.

But while most talk of hats is joyous, there is also the dark side of hats, and the goal of this series is to highlight the worst that can be offered. Since this is the first entry, I will keep it short, plus I should be writing an English paper right now.

Note, it is “straw textured”

First off we have….. this…. wow. It’s official name is Miami Marlins MLB Straw-Fit Cap, and it is $38, and is 70% Paper. Never wear this outside, in any situation actually. The Marlins are kind of an easy target, and there are several other ones on the store that are worthy of inclusion, but this….. wow. It actually is not the worst Marlins hat I have ever seen, but it is close. Who is this targeted toward?  Like really? I cannot handle this. MORE THAN HALF OF THIS IS PAPER, THIS HAT HAS 20 GRADE DURABILITY. The actual Marlins Logo also looks bootleg here, and if they are going for this aesthetic, why use the default colors? Like, how does this happen?

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The Giancarlo Stanton Injury: A Tragedy In 21 Screenshots

1

The Calm Before the Storm (of Sadness)

Outfielder Giancarlo Stanton is the only thing left worth watching on the dumpster fire that is the Miami Marlins. He has arguably the best raw power in the history of baseball and he’s a marvel to watch do anything, whether it be playing baseball or simply existing on the same planet as us mortals. After a long home run drought to start the season, Stanton finally broke out over the weekend with three bombs, one of which traveled to another dimension.

On the night of April 29th, hearts were shattered across the baseball universe.

***

2

Here’s the situation: The Marlins of Miami are facing the Mets of New York. After a fierce pitching duel between two upcoming stars, the two teams battle it out on their way to extra innings in front of approximately 127 fans at the BEAUTIFUL BRAND NEW MARLINS BALLPARK. Stanton is facing Mets cLOLser Bobby Parnell with one out and a runner on first. Parnell throws a slider in an 0-1 count, and Stanton chops it right in front of home plate. The Marlins “fans” behind home plate look absolutely exhilarated.

3

Stanton takes off for first base. We’re used to seeing this monster hit the ball 440 feet, not 4.4 feet. His 6″6, 240 pound frame rumbles down the line. He actually looks like he might make it. A swinging bunt hit for Giancarlo? Sure, why not.

4

Mets catcher/potential NL MVP John Buck throws down to first, and Stanton is out. It’s close, but the ball is clearly there in time.

5

Oh no. The Beast clutches his right thigh. The Marlins first base coach remains intensely focused on first base for no reason. The umpire is admiring Ike Davis’ backside.

6

The collapse begins. Stanton begins his horrifying descent towards the demoralizing grass of Marlins Park. The first base coach has still yet to notice, as he turns his attention to the umpire who is still perplexed by Ike Davis’ physical features.

7

Man down. The giant lays motionless aside the foul line; his right leg upward as if to signal for help. There is no one in sight. The one Marlin fan that was watching gasps. An eerie echo is heard throughout the cavernous stadium.

8

Millions of souls across the nation clutch their keyboards, eager to see a sign of life from our wounded hero.

9

Alas, a moment of humanity. Giancarlo, head and helmet in hands, ponders what just happened.

10

Slowly but surely, Stanton, still under his own power, manages to get up on his knees.

11

He Is Risen.

12

An unidentified Marlins coach (I think?) imitates the world.

13

The broadcast decides that they haven’t tortured our souls enough. They cut to this slow-mo shot from the perspective of the right field foul pole.

14

“ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

15

“OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD”

16

“I HAVE TO PEE SO BADLY”

17

“I JUST CAN’T” *falls*

18

“haha I remember Slip ‘n Slides”

19

“BUT MY HAMSTRING UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

20

“there is………….no………….hope.” *smashes distraught fist into ground*

21

“why just why”

***

After the game, Giancarlo Stanton was placed on the 15-day disabled list with a strained hamstring. He should be fine.

(If you want to watch what actually happened, click here.)

(If you only have 10 seconds to watch what actually happened, click here.)