A Journey Into the Mind of Heath Bell

Aug26 by Jordan Shusterman

This past Saturday night, Heath Bell blew his seventh save of the season. His catastrophic outings have spawned #TheHeathBellExperience and the baseball internet just loves to bash him on a seemingly nightly basis. But what’s his side of the story?

Here is a brief journey into the mind of Heath Bell.

“Welp, another day, another four runs allowed. Might as well wear a questionable graphic t-shirt and take a selfie in an elevator”

“Really? You’ve got a two run lead with the heart of the order coming up and you’re bringing ME in? Hilarious.”

“haha I’m a baseball pitcher”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BASES ARE LOADED AND NOBODY’S OUT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

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Previewing the 2013 Home Run Derpy

Jul12 by Jordan Shusterman

Several weeks ago, Ian Miller and Riley Breckenridge were talking about the upcoming Home Run Derby on their Prodcast. There was an off-hand comment about how they should have a Home Run Derpy tournament instead. So if we’re stealing the idea…we apologize deeply. But it was a difficult thing to pass up. This isn’t exactly a tournament, but it’s an appreciation of our eight participants in a slightly different manner. It’s a shame Jeff Karstens won’t be the one pitching to them next Monday night. Anyway, let’s get started.

The American League

CAPTAIN: New York Yankees 2B Robinson Cano

Baltimore Orioles 1B Chris Davis

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So Kyle Blanks Walked Off the Phillies…

Jun25 by Jordan Shusterman

Last night, Padres first baseman/outfielder/resident gargantuan scored the tying run in the bottom of the ninth when Carlos Ruiz allowed a passed ball. In the bottom of the tenth, Blanks hit a walk-off single with the bases loaded to win the game for San Diego. None of this matters because I’ve been waiting for Kyle Blanks to do something interesting just to remind everyone that

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEW CHRIS DAVIS SHIRTLESS PICS

Jun19 by jakemintz

So I was at my grandfather’s house the other day cleaning up some of his old stuff in the basement. As I sifted through piles of aged rubbish, I couldn’t help but think that there might be something valuable for me to find. Lo and behold, under a pile of 30 year old pharmacy receipts, I found something wonderful. Something incoherently perfect. Something bold, beautiful, and bicep-laden. I found new Chris Davis photos. Total coincidence that he hit two bombs today. Drool at your own safety.

This pic shows Davis in peak physical shape; his 8-pac bulging out of his Thor-like chest.

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.gifs From Last Night: Bourn To Be Derp

May23 by jakemintz

Tigers vs. Indians

Oh we’ve totally seen this before. Slugger drives one to the warning track. CF wanders over. Ball bounces off CF and into seats for a home run. All center fielders deal with the shame in different ways. Some freak out, some laugh, some cry. Michael Bourn does all three and more:

“Wait. What? No. No. No.”

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PART 1: The Best of International Baseball Nomenclature

Mar7 by Jordan Shusterman

If you couldn’t already tell, we love names here at Cespedes Family Barbecue. They’re fun, fascinating and provide us with far more material than you could ever imagine. When the rosters for this year’s World Baseball Classic were released, it was obvious we were gonna see some awesome names from around the globe. We were not disappointed. This six part series will take a look at the best of the best of the best. And no, we aren’t making any of these up. Enjoy !

***

COUNTRY: Colombia

Player: IF Iggy Suarez

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERGER SERERZ

CFB Name: Eh, Geese War Is

Name Unscrambled: Gig Arse

Player: IF Giovanny Urshela

ERMAHGERD Translation: GERVERNER ERSHERL

CFB Name: Gio Van Knee Hershey La

Name Unscrambled: Agony Haulers

Player: OF Steve Brown

ERMAHGERD Translation: STERV BRERN

CFB Name: Steve Brown

Name Unscrambled: Vest Born

***

COUNTRY: Czech Republic

Player: RHP Boris Bokaj

ERMAHGERD Translation: BERERS BERKERJ

CFB Name: Bores Bo Cage

Name Unscrambled: Ribs Job

Player: OF Martin Drong

ERMAHGERD Translation: MAHRTERN DRIN

CFB Name: Mar Tender Wrong

Name Unscrambled: Train Dong

Player: IF Petr Cech

ERMAHGERD Translation: PERTR CERCH

CFB Name: Pee Turdcheck

Name Unscrambled: Pet He

***

COUNTRY: France

Player: RHP Leonel Cespedes (I mean come on, obviously)

ERMAHGERD Translation: LERNERL CERSPERDERS

CFB Name: Lee Own Else Speed Is

Name Unscrambled: Lone Secedes

Player: RHP Eloi Secleppe

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERLER SERCLERP

CFB Name: L. Wah Sea Clap Ay

Name Unscrambled: Oil Peels

Player: IF Florian Peyrichou

ERMAHGERD Translation: FLERERN PERERCHER

CFB Name: Flo Rida Pikachu

Name Unscrambled: Final Euphoric

***

COUNTRY: Germany

Player: LHP Enorbel Marquez

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERNERBERL MAHRQERZ

CFB Name: E. Normal Mark Is

Name Unscrambled: Noble Azure

Player: IF Maximilian Boldt

ERMAHGERD Translation: MAHXERMAHLERN BERLDT

CFB Name: Maximal Ian Bolt

Name Unscrambled: Mailman Old

Player: IF Jendrick Speer

ERMAHGERD Translation: JERNDRERCK SPER

CFB Name: Gender Ick Sphere

Name Unscrambled: Inked Pees

***

ERMAHGERD ERTS DA TERP TERN PRERSPERCTS

Feb6 by Jordan Shusterman

One of my favorite scouts and writers, Keith Law, came out with his Top 100 list yesterday (for ESPN Insiders, I should specify), and since I can’t just completely rip his whole list and post it here and analyze, I’m gonna do his top ten in a completely different language to avoid any copyright issues.

So with the brilliantly simple use of this handy dandy translator, let’s take a look at KLaw’s Top Ten Prospects for the upcoming 2013 season.

NUMBER ONE: Texas Rangers SS, JERERCKSERN PRERFER