Recently I’ve done an unusually high amount of silly stuff having to do with everyone’s favorite fat old guy who throws balls and stuff, Bartolo Colon. This post is all that stuff in one place.
Grazing Bartolo Colon (@mark_normandin)
A Map Of Bartolo Colon’s Colon
Bartolo Colon has had a journey of a major league career. This is that journey inside of his colon.
#SCOUTING Through the Eyes of Microsoft
Before I begin to dissect what might be the greatest commercial in baseball internet history, I just wanted to apologize for the severe lack of content on my end here at CFB. I’ve been sorta busy but there isn’t really any excuse and I also realize it totally doesn’t matter considering most of y’all only read our stupid tweets but yeah. We’re gonna have a post early next week about what CFB is gonna be once we’re both in college and trying to get an education, but for now we’re gonna try to “produce” a few stupid things over the next few days.
ANYWAY.
A few months ago, Microsoft came out with this advertisement to promote their new tablet, the Microsoft Surface, as a legit competitor for the iPad. Here it is:
Hopefully this isn’t the first time you’ve watched it, but whatever. I’ve now watched it about 20 times and I am prepared to ask a lot of questions.
Okay, the scene is set. There is a left-handed pitcher throwing to a catcher while a guy who is probably his coach is out there right next to the mound watching him. There are a few other players in the outfield. This seems to be a college field or some other amateur level. If this is a game, or even pre-game warm ups, why is the coach out there at all? Okay, let’s just move on.
Oh god. As the catcher receives the ball, we get a glimpse of what this scene is really about. Two questionably dressed men on the left holding two different types of tablet. Oh, and a nice black gentleman in a track suit with a radar gun. Mr. Track Suit doesn’t seem to be doing anything with his radar gun readings, as his other hand is just chillin’ in his pocket. The only two spectators behind home plate seem to be washed up players who do not want to be at this game.
Players Who Took Steroids
There is a problem with baseball. It’s not the new CBA. It’s not the Angels bullpen, and it’s not even the fact that there is an alleged rapist pitching for the Tampa Bay Rays. No, the enormous problem with baseball right now is durgs. Here are some buzzwords you need to know about durgs.
Buzz Word: BIOGENESIS
- Biogenesis is a group of scientists working together to uncover biological secrets from the bible.
Buzz Word: HGH
- HGH obviously stands for Hugh Grant’s Head which can be found by clicking here. What this has to do with steroids eludes me.
Buzz Word: 50 Game Suspension
- When rappers 50 Cent and The Game are kept in suspense by the rap community about their feud.
Those were some buzz words that hopefully made the steroid issue more clear. Now let’s take a look at some players who must have taken steroids. I will provide photo evidence. These players are scoundrels and cheats and must be removed from the sport. They are slimeballs and poopyheads as well.
Miguel Cabrera
Cabrera on the left is from 1999 and Cabrera on the right is from this year. Notice how much bigger Cabrera on the right looks. Taking into account his growth in face fat and add that to the ridiculous year he’s having, it’s pretty much obvious that Cabrera is using some sort of illegal durgs.
This Is An Octavio Dotel Appreciation Post
For those of you that don’t know, Octavio Dotel is awesome. I felt like it was time to let the world know that Mr. Dotel is a savior, a superhero, and a saint. So buckle up, latch in, and get ready because this is about to be a doozy.
Octavio Dotel Has Played For 13 Teams
This segment of Dotel’s legacy has been well documented. The sheer fact that a major league baseball player played for thirteen years is absurd, let alone thirteen teams. I bet the random guy on the street can’t even name thirteen teams. “What is a Rockies?” he would say.
To put the number thirteen in perspective; so you know how it feels like Casper Wells is on a new team every week? Well Casper Wells has played for only five teams, and if you are good at math you know that’s seven less than Dotel’s thirteen.
Episode 3: I Bless Tim Raines
It’s the third episode of the Barbecast sponsored by Jordan’s 11 year old brother David. Our musical guest this week is unfortunately Jake on the piano again, but we improvised and came up with a fantastic melody for you all to enjoy during the breaks. The e-mails were far from plentiful but they were most definitely interesting; we talked about improved names for home runs, what the ultimate player would look like, and the most important question anyone can ask regarding Mike Trout, Bryce Harper and Giancarlo Stanton. Our special guest is Zach Mortimer (#FollowMort #SingleMortDays) from the press box in Wilmington, Delaware. We talked a bit of baseball and then Mort gave us incredibly emotional advice for our soon-to-be college lives. Baseball talk was limited because we wanted to play MVP Baseball 2004. Thanks for listening <3
iTunes link:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cespedes-family-barbecue-cespedes/id683535357?mt=2
Doumit’s Eyes
Is there anything more terrifying than Ryan Doumit’s eyes set to the music from Inception? The answer is no.
Sale
I know it’s been a lot of White Sox stuff recently, but bear with me.
Jeff and Dayan: CFB Karaoke
This idea started on our trip when we realized that Dayan is sort of like the name Diane. Jeff and Jack both start with J’s.
Trade Deadline Grades: Fathers
Sand Ago Fathers
Players Acquired:
- Ink Hendy
ANALYSIS:
- Kennedy has two daughters so this is a move typical of the Padres who are always looking to pick up padres to play for the Padres, you understand compadre?
- Pitching in Petco means it’ll be much easier for him to pick up supplies for his dog, cat, and three gerbils
- By going to San Diego, Ian is furthering himself from the career path of his grand uncle John F. Kennedy.
GRADE: 6th
- You have no idea what you are and neither does anyone else. People keep saying you are a couple of years away but come on, are you really? Probably not. It probably won’t get better for you and you’ll probably just keep picking your nose in class until you turn 35. What does this have to do with baseball? Chicken.
CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 