Suzuki and Inge write-ups come to us courtesy of our most recent podcast guest and good friend, Jason Wojciechowski. Follow him on Twitter @jlwoj and go listen to his mediocre jokes on our less than mediocre podcast.
Oakland Athletics Top Ten:
- HD Baker
- Kurt Suzuki Puka Shells
- Jose Canseco
- Mike Piazza
- Cespedes “Grass and Dirt”
- Brandon Inge
- Jeremy Hermida
- Matt Holliday
- Brian Fuentes
- Jemile Weeks
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $9.99
eBay Description: “I don’t know who “HD Baker” is. The back screen-printing is subtly different than the front screen-printing so I’m guessing this is a custom shirt, or a Little League shirt or something of that nature. But if you want an obscure A’s t-shirt you have some to the right place.”
The Tools: 8 derp, 6 awesomeness, 8 player obscurity, 5 design/color scheme, 7 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Hard to say, considering HD Baker is not a person.
Strengths: A customized shirsey that someone no longer wants is nothing short of a treasure. The shirt strayed from its original buyer and somehow wound up in the arms of a man or woman with an eBay account. A quick Google search reveals that HD Baker is not a thing nor has it ever been a thing. Searches on Bing, Yahoo!, Zappos, and LinkedIn also come up blank. A mystery HD Baker is and a mystery he (or she) will remain. Just tell all your friends that you misspelled HR Baker, the greatest home run hitter in the 1900’s. Baker was so good at hitting home runs that they renamed him Home Run. Where were we…
Weaknesses: Purchasing this shirsey means you’ll have to explain its meaning over and over. Considering you don’t actually know the meaning behind it, that seems like a drag. The mystery surrounding this shirt also has the downside that you have no idea where it’s been. Basement, brothel, sheep’s vagina; all legitimate hypotheses as to the previous location of this shirt. Maybe HD stands for High Definition… wait no that doesn’t make sense either.
Overall Future Potential: 7; Home Run Baker was a legend
Realistic Role: 4; you end up confusing the crap out of your friends
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; depended on the reading ability of the people around you.
The Year Ahead: I literally don’t know. HD Baker? What?
Wardrobe ETA: Right now. Buy it right now.
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $19.99 Buy It Now/$4.99 Starting Bid + $3.50 shipping
eBay Description: “Suzuki and Oakland have had a reunion for the playoff run and this is your chance to support the team.”
The Tools: 8 raw derp, 6 awesomeness, 6 player obscurity, 6 design/color scheme, 6+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Suzuki had his second straight garbage year at the plate and met with the indignity of being traded to a playoff contender in August to paper over an injury-riddled catcher situation and to receive absolutely zero playing time once the real players got healthy. Luckily, said playoff contender was Oakland, which is the only MLB city where anybody would be happy to see him.
Strengths: The puka shells are the real standout here. Pre-accessorized clothing can’t help but kill. It’s inherently strong. And pre-puka’d clothing is easy plus-plus. Also green and gold are the best colors in baseball.
Weaknesses: So why only a 6 awesomeness grade instead of an 8? Because pre-accessorized clothing is also inherently awful. It kills, yes, but the main thing it kills is your chance at positive attention from members of your preferred sex. Normally this simultaneous 8/2 situation would balance out to a 5, but we’re talking puka shells here. Puka shells! So it’s …
Overall Future Potential: … a low 6. Nostalgia-kitsch use is the main approved function, though it can also be worn once a year when he’s traded back to the A’s in August. Nobody else will wear this shirt. That’s somethin’.
Realistic Role: Also low 6. There is a 0% chance of this shirsey not reaching its potential. It’s a pre-finished product.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low. I just said. Christ, you people sometimes.
The Year Ahead: Suzuki won’t re-sign with the A’s, so unless he ends up in San Diego or something, there aren’t going to be more puka-shell shirts produced. Oh, the player? Who knows. He’s a catcher. He’ll go somewhere.
Wardrobe ETA: Tomorrow. The auction ended. Nobody even bid $5. E-mail the seller and it’s yours.
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $17.99
eBay Description: Literally nothing
The Tools: 6+ derp, 5 awesomeness, 5 player obscurity, 7 design/color scheme, 4 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Jose Canseco used Twitter to further cement his legacy as a legitimate crazy person. Posting disturbing pictures like this, this, and sadly even this, will get you to crazy person level.
Strengths: Like Canseco himself, the name/number/logo are almost too huge and barely fit the jersey. Despite questionable characteristics, Canseco was a pretty badass player. The darker green pairs swimmingly with the gold to provide a classic yet refreshing square dance of the rainbow. 33 is a plus-plus number.
Weaknesses: People may criticize you for wearing a shirt associated with such a vilde chaya. The oversized logo on the front is huge as is and may get even larger as it ages and develops. Concerns about the body are valid.
Overall Future Potential: 6; the dark green makes the other tools up
Realistic Role: Low 5; second division shirsey
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; unpredictability in regards to player, size of logo on front
The Year Ahead: Unfortunately, Canseco’s unpredictability is a double edged sword. While his posts about poop are hilarious and entertaining, it’s a legitimate possibility that you open the newspaper tomorrow morning and the headline reads “FORMER BASEBALL PLAYER CANSECO ARRESTED FOR STEALING 17 VENDING MACHINES FROM LOCAL OLD FOLKS HOME.” Whether his reckless approach acts as a benefit or a detriment has yet to be seen, but it is certain that Canseco is a shirsey to watch.
Wardrobe ETA: Whenever he gets arrested.
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CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 
