The Giancarlo Stanton Injury: A Tragedy In 21 Screenshots

The Calm Before the Storm (of Sadness)

Outfielder Giancarlo Stanton is the only thing left worth watching on the dumpster fire that is the Miami Marlins. He has arguably the best raw power in the history of baseball and he’s a marvel to watch do anything, whether it be playing baseball or simply existing on the same planet as us mortals. After a long home run drought to start the season, Stanton finally broke out over the weekend with three bombs, one of which traveled to another dimension.

On the night of April 29th, hearts were shattered across the baseball universe.

***

Here’s the situation: The Marlins of Miami are facing the Mets of New York. After a fierce pitching duel between two upcoming stars, the two teams battle it out on their way to extra innings in front of approximately 127 fans at the BEAUTIFUL BRAND NEW MARLINS BALLPARK. Stanton is facing Mets cLOLser Bobby Parnell with one out and a runner on first. Parnell throws a slider in an 0-1 count, and Stanton chops it right in front of home plate. The Marlins “fans” behind home plate look absolutely exhilarated.

Stanton takes off for first base. We’re used to seeing this monster hit the ball 440 feet, not 4.4 feet. His 6″6, 240 pound frame rumbles down the line. He actually looks like he might make it. A swinging bunt hit for Giancarlo? Sure, why not.

Mets catcher/potential NL MVP John Buck throws down to first, and Stanton is out. It’s close, but the ball is clearly there in time.

Oh no. The Beast clutches his right thigh. The Marlins first base coach remains intensely focused on first base for no reason. The umpire is admiring Ike Davis’ backside.

The collapse begins. Stanton begins his horrifying descent towards the demoralizing grass of Marlins Park. The first base coach has still yet to notice, as he turns his attention to the umpire who is still perplexed by Ike Davis’ physical features.

Man down. The giant lays motionless aside the foul line; his right leg upward as if to signal for help. There is no one in sight. The one Marlin fan that was watching gasps. An eerie echo is heard throughout the cavernous stadium.

Millions of souls across the nation clutch their keyboards, eager to see a sign of life from our wounded hero.

Alas, a moment of humanity. Giancarlo, head and helmet in hands, ponders what just happened.

Slowly but surely, Stanton, still under his own power, manages to get up on his knees.

He Is Risen.

An unidentified Marlins coach (I think?) imitates the world.

The broadcast decides that they haven’t tortured our souls enough. They cut to this slow-mo shot from the perspective of the right field foul pole.

“ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

“OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD”

“I HAVE TO PEE SO BADLY”

“I JUST CAN’T” *falls*

“haha I remember Slip ‘n Slides”

“BUT MY HAMSTRING UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

“there is………….no………….hope.” *smashes distraught fist into ground*

“why just why”

***

After the game, Giancarlo Stanton was placed on the 15-day disabled list with a strained hamstring. He should be fine.

(If you want to watch what actually happened, click here.)

(If you only have 10 seconds to watch what actually happened, click here.)

Bad Baseball Pun of the Day: R.A. Dickey Is Not Magical Anymore :(

Apr28 by Jordan Shusterman

This is a .gif of R.A. Dickey giving up a home run to Brennan Boesch. Brennan Boesch is terrible at major league baseball. R.A. Dickey is supposed to be not terrible at major league baseball. What happened ?

Now he’s just somebody traded for d’Arnaud.

(I’ll be here all week)

.gifs From Last Night: Silly Mike Baxter

Apr27 by jakemintz

Mets-Phillies

Good thing the Mets have two other all-star level outfielders to make up for plays like this…
To be fair, if there was a giant rawhide sphere barreling through the air in my direction, I would get the hell out of the way too.
That’s a lot of advertising concentrated in one specific corner of Citi Field. I count 5. Do you?
I like how Baxter turns and is briefly immersed in the possibilities of freecreditscore.com before he realizes the ball is about to drop.
It also looks like baseball Jesus just dropped the ball out of the sky because the trajectory of the ball looks like something from Angels in the Outfield.
Is that trash on the warning track? Get your shit together, Citi Field.

.gifs From Last Night: Unorthodox Deliveries

Apr26 by jakemintz

Angels-Mariners

Last night in Seattle, Carlos Peguero hit a ball 450 feet to dead center. Somehow, this wasn’t the most extraordinary thing that happened at Safeco that evening. In one fell swoop, Angels right-hander (left-hander?) Garrett Richards revolutionized the art of pitching.

In the potentially groundbreaking .gif above, we see Mariners designated “hitter” Justin Smoak making his way to the plate. Is he trying to gain momentum by running towards the plate a la Happy Gilmore or is something even deeper going on here?

For whatever reason, Richards begins slightly offset to the left of the mound. His delivery begins with the ball in his glove, as most deliveries do. However, Richards has the glove raised and pointing towards first base. He drops his glove cautiously as if he’s catching a very delicate egg, and proceeds to whip his arm around and release the ball with stunning accuracy. This motion clearly does not allow Richards to take advantage of about 93% of his body, as his right side is just along for the ride and doesn’t play much part in delivering the ball to the catcher. There is an unusual amount of movement in the lower half that includes several steps backward to help Richards make sure he’s still on the rubber. Let’s slow it down.

This .gif allows us to see the incredible conclusion of this play. Smoak, in all his glory, turns on the circus pitch and rips it right back to the pitcher. Richards, who is already pointing at the plate as if he’s prepared for a comebacker, snags the ball with his bare hand. The sheer velocity of the ball propels him backwards, returning him back to a more familiar position at the top of the mound.

Mechanics Report Card

We’re gonna keep an eye out for this mystery of a motion throughout the season, but we doubt we’ll see it again any time soon. For one wondrous moment, Garrett Richards changed baseball. We hope it’s not the last time.

A Brief Examination of Death By Yu Darvish

Apr26 by Jordan Shusterman

私はいじめっ子です

As if the Internet hasn’t freaked out about Yu Darvish enough over the last 24 hours, I’m back to take a look at two of Darvish’s victims from his days in Japan. Since half the world’s population has already seen this .gif (as they should), I’ve decided to take a different route.

When Darvish came over last year, we all scurried to our computers or mobile devices to watch some video of the half Japanese, half Iranian freak show of awesomeness. It did not disappoint. While scouring said video, I came across two strikeout victims of Darvish’s that stood out to me. Let’s take a look.

VICTIM 1:

Darvish unleashes a true 80-grade slider to an innocent batter who simply collapses while attempting to make contact. This is a batter that probably has a wife and kids. Those beloved assumed family members had to watch him fall victim to this torturous sin of a pitch. His back leg straight up dies on him and then the rest of his embarrassed body goes down with it. I enjoy the catcher receiving the pitch and then turning away as if to avoid looking at the dumbfounded batter…or he got hit in the nuts. I can’t really tell. Anyway, I love this. But it’s not nearly as awesome as this next one.

VICTIM 2:

Darvish throws a 90 MPH fastball Up and In and the batter swings, quite literally, for his life. The fact that it wasn’t actually that close to his head makes this even better. Let’s just imagine the thoughts of each human being involved in this beautiful sequence.

Darvish: Okay, he wants up and in. I can do that.
Catcher: Up and in, Yu. Right here.
Batter: oh my god oh my god oh my god what am I gonna do
Umpire: how the hell am I supposed to call this guy
Darvish: *goes into windup*
Batter: okay man you got this just go into your leg kick and
Darvish: *releases ball*
Batter: DEAR GOD WHAT THE SHIT *swings* *dies*
Catcher: *catches pitch* whoops
Umpire: uhhh is he breathing
Darvish: *sheepishly touches back of head* hehe I’m Yu Darvish
Batter: *is still dead*

***

Daily Darvish. Get some.

.gifs From Last Night: Yu Darvish Breaks Mike Trout

Apr25 by Jordan Shusterman

Rangers-Angels

First of all, lol.
I’m legitimately unsure how this pitch is even possible coming from a someone that isn’t a bad high school pitcher or Barry Zito by accident.
Watch the guy second from the left of the chyron in the black jacket and black hat. As he sees the pitch drop into Pierzynski’s glove, he turns away slightly as if he just witnessed something literally disgusting.
The umpire clearly took immense pleasure in ringing Trout up on a pitch that looks frighteningly similar to Bugs Bunny’s trickery.

Stay tuned for more Darvish .gifs. Later today, I’ll examine his most vicious attacks on two unfortunate Japanese hitters.

.gifs From Last Night: The Multitasking Panda

Apr24 by Jordan Shusterman

Diamondbacks-Giants

If you were one of the few who didn’t think Sandoval belonged in the circus, you sure do now.
Pablo’s thought process: “Okay dive! alright sweet, got the ball, should probably throw it to first but hold on I gotta blow a bubble real quick…okay got that out of the way, guess I’ll go for the out now”
Just the fact that Pablo can hit the ground without bouncing back up is a fair tribute to human innovation.
That’s a lot of BIG league chew. Get it? Big. Because he’s big.
I love how every baseball player checks that the ball is in the glove before they throw. I guess it’s understandable, I mean you never know what else could get in there.

.gifs From Last Night: Joey Shats

Apr23 by jakemintz

Blue Jays-Orioles

Here we see Adam Lind, Edwin Encarnacion, Mark DeRosa and Jose Bautista ducking for their lives.
Edwin’s reaction is similar to that of a small child getting a spider shoved in his face
Bautista’s dodge is clearly the most impressive, as he woulda gotten that ball right in the face.
You have to wonder why DeRosa bothered getting out of the way; you would think as the Veteran Presence he would take one for the team to stop the team’s real superstar from getting hurt.
It’s unclear who that is shielding his head at the end of the frame on the far left, but that is technique form if I ever saw it.
The batter of this foul ball was Munenori Kawasaki, who has been responsible for his fair share of amazingly hilarious .gifs as well.

Happy 25th Birthday Dee Gordon !

Apr22 by Jordan Shusterman

Today is Los Angeles Dodgers shortstop Dee Gordon’s 25th birthday. Let’s talk about Dee Gordon.

Devaris “Dee” Strange-Gordon (no seriously, that’s his name) was born in Florida. He is the son of former major league pitcher Tom Gordon, who had a lengthy and rather successful career for eight different teams. Dee was drafted by the Dodgers in the 4th round of the 2008 draft. Here’s most of what you should know about Dee Gordon as a baseball player: he has the body of a malnourished 14 year old, he has true 80 grade speed, and he can occasionally make amazing plays at short. There’s seriously not much else to know besides that one time he hit an upper deck bomb at Coors Field because Rockies. Even with that lone homer, Gordon has slugged a remarkable .315 through 563 career plate appearances. Let’s take a look at some of our favorite pictures of Dee Gordon.

Here is a .gif of Dee Gordon stealing a jacket from Matt Kemp:

Here is a .gif of Matt Kemp getting payback:

.gifs From Last Night: Scary Francona

Apr21 by jakemintz

Indians-Astros

The Cleveland Outdated Racisms scored 14 runs in the first two innings. Everyone loves the runs. Jason Giambi hit a double which required more running than he had done in years. Cleveland ended up putting 19 runs which is also a lot of runs. And everyone loves the runs. But none of this was enough to cheer up grumpy Scary Francona who is seen below journeying from the dugout to yell at the young geezers who were running on his lawn.

CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE

It's a Roast

Category Archives: ALL The .gifs