Picking A New Twitter AVI For Masahiro Tanaka

If you belong to the popular social media site Twitter dot com and you follow a plethora of baseball related accounts, you may have been somewhat confused earlier this morning. Prized free agent pitcher, Masahiro Tanaka tweeted something in Japanese that was reportedly (Google) translated as “I have decided” or “I decided” or “I can’t decide.”

But once a variety of native Japanese speakers were awoken from their respective slumbers it was revealed that Tanaka’s tweet had nothing to do with free agency, or even baseball for that matter. You see, Mr. Tanaka wanted to select a new twitter avatar and just could not decide which picture to choose. So while the rest of the baseball internet is laughing at their own stupidity, I’ve decided to tackle the real issue here: that Masahiro is still stuck with his current Twitter AVI. Rather than doing something trivial with my time, I’m going to give the Japanese hide-slinger some options for a new Twitter avatar that helps him appeal to his new American fan base.

AVI Option #1: PRINCE OF DERP

Screen Shot 2014-01-21 at 11.42.44 AM

Overview: While Tanaka will never be able to overthrow the King of Derp, his majesty Jeff Karstens, this picture has the potential to thrust Tanaka into the higher rungs of the derp royal family. It also looks like Tanaka is trying to give someone a kiss, which would help him appeal to fans who would love some smooching time with Mr. Tanaka.

Appeals To: Ian and Riley from Productive Outs, fans of funny faces, and those desiring Mr. Tanaka’s kisses.

Does Not Appeal To: Those wishing to engage in staring contests, and derp detractors.

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San Diego Padres Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Padres BP Top 10 Prospects.

Carrasco, Gwynn, Winfield, Piazza, and Kouzmanoff write-ups are courtesy of Geoff Young of Baseball Prospectus. You can follow him on Twitter @ducksnorts. No, seriously. @ducksnorts. 

System Quote: “Petco. Where the pitchers who need to revive their career go.”

Padres Top Ten:

  1. Mat Latos
  2. Tenthman
  3. Carrasco?
  4. Ryan Klesko
  5. Bruce Bochy
  6. Tony Gwynn Jr.
  7. Dave Winfield
  8. Mike Piazza
  9. Mike Cameron
  10. Kevin Kouzmanoff

Screen Shot 2014-01-16 at 11.40.48 PM1. Mat Latos

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $29.99 + $4.60 Shipping

 eBay Description: Cool polyester material

 The Tools: 8 derp; 6 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 3 design/color scheme; 3 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Mat Latos continued his rep as next years’ next big thing as he showed great potential but was always missing a bit of something.

Strengths: Aside from the female wearing no pants? There’s a ton to love here. Fantastic retro color combination of yellow and brown. The front says Eugene Emeralds even though the color scheme is classic Padres. The brown stripe on the sleeve is classy. Also did I mention the attractive lady without pants.

Weaknesses: Bi-Mart advertisement on lower bum keeps this shirsey from achieving elite level potential.

Overall Future Potential: 7: if you can peel off the Bi-Mart ad, you’ll have yourself a possible perennial all star.

Realistic Role: High 6; peeling that ad off isn’t worth your time. Also, you don’t get the woman with the shirsey.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low risk; shirsey just looks really good.

The Year Ahead: If she continues working out that – oh you mean the shirsey? Um. Go Latos!

Wardrobe ETA: ASAP

Screen Shot 2014-01-16 at 11.44.40 PM2. Tenthman

 Size: Small

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $15.00 + $5.00 Shipping

 eBay Description: Era: 1977-1989 (Punk, New Wave, 80s)

 The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Well, if this shirsey is referring to the entire San Diego Padres fan base during the late 80’s, then one can assume that a lot of these people have grown up considerably. I would assume the majority of them still live in San Diego and are still madly in love with Tony Gwynn. And not the Tony Gwynn that appears later on this list.

Strengths: wow

much retro

so Tenthman

very Padres

Weaknesses: Tenthman is not a word or a name. It is just a thing that sports fans made up.  

Overall Future Potential: High 6; perfect for time traveling Padres dorks

Realistic Role: High 5; plus-plus derp keeps this shirsey’s floor considerably high

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; this shirsey represents a lot of people and who knows how many of those people have been to prison?

The Year Ahead: Again, if time travel becomes possible, this shirsey might be the best gift for any 47 year old Padres fan that is sick and tired of watching Kyle Blanks sit on the bench.

Wardrobe ETA: 1988

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Colorado Rockies Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Rockies BP Top 10 Prospects.

No special guest this week. Sorry for the delay. #slack

System Quote: “Home is wherever I hit .315 annually.” 

Rockies Top Ten:

  1. Haltertop Jason Giambi
  2. Haltertop Troy Tulowitzki
  3. Autographed Manny Corpas
  4. Jackie Robinson
  5. Vinny Castilla 
  6. Rafael Betancourt
  7. Yorvit Torrealba
  8. Dante Bichette
  9. Mike Hampton
  10. Jason Jennings

Screen Shot 2014-01-07 at 5.42.14 PM1. Haltertop Jason Giambi

 Size: One Size Fits all  

 Current Status: Available for purchase  

 Website: eBay  

 Price: $28.00 + $4.50 Shipping  

eBay Description: “Check out this amazing halter top made from a Jason Giambi jersey tee – it’s one of a kind!”  

The Tools: 8 derp; 3 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 3 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Jason Giambi continued his improbable transition from juiced-out frat boy to wise old baseball wizard.

Strengths: Lets you show off those shoulders and support your favorite Rockies superstar at the same time. Jason Giambi is a man who deserves to be recognized on the front of a shirt. Elite level derp.

Weaknesses: Questions about haltertop profile may cause shirt’s tools to play down. Looks like your dog chewed up your Jason Giambi shirsey and you tried to salvage whatever was left.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if there’s ever a Jason Giambi related porno, this shirsey will play a major role in helping said porno win an Oscar.

Realistic Role: 2; hopefully we never have to see a Jason Giambi related porno.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; shirsey could fall apart at any moment.

The Year Ahead: Giambi might still be on the Indians, but that has no effect on the wonder of this haltertop.

Wardrobe ETA: When all your other clothes are burned.

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Boston Red Sox Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Red Sox BP Top 10 Prospects.

Okajima, Beltre, Pedro, Clemens, and Schilling write-ups are courtesy of our internet BFF Matthew Kory. Matthew is a writer at Sports On Earth, Baseball Prospectus, and some Red Sox blog called Over The Monster. You can/should flolololollow him on Twitter by clicking here

System Quote: “This is our fucking shirsey.” 

Red Sox Top Ten:

  1. Babe Ruth
  2. Mo Vaughn
  3. Sean Casey
  4. Hideki Okajima
  5. David Wells
  6. Doug Mirabelli
  7. Adrian Beltre
  8. Pedro Martinez
  9. Roger Clemens
  10. Curt Schilling 

Screen Shot 2014-01-07 at 12.37.23 AM1. Babe Ruth

 Size: M/L/XL/XXL

 Current Status: Available for purchase/owned by Jake

 Website: Stadiumstyle.com

 Price: $20.95

Website Description: “Ruth and 3 are printed on the back. Red Sox is printed on the front.”

The Tools: 4 derp; 7+ awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Babe Ruth remained dead.

Strengths: With this shirsey you can celebrate the greatest hitter of all time without having to endure the guilt of wearing a Yankees shirsey. The only thing better than this would be a Babe Ruth St. Louis Browns shirsey, but the last known one of those perished in WWII somewhere over Okinawa. Design difference conveys retro/vintage look which is good because Babe Ruth is old as shit.

Weaknesses: Confused people might mistake you for a woman named Ruth. But those people are confused, and probably extremely stupid. Currently owned my Jake Mintz which means it can’t be stylish.

Overall Future Potential: 8; Babe Ruth’s time on the Red Sox is one of America’s truly innocent love-stories. The memorialization of said memories is an American obligation fulfilled by the wearing of this shirsey.

Realistic Role: High 6; “BABAY WOOF” – The Goonies

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; the Babe is gone

The Year Ahead: Babe will remain dead and still awesome.

Wardrobe ETA: 1895

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Tampa Bay Rays Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Rays BP Top 10 Prospects.

We don’t really know any Rays fans so we were stuck doing this entire list by ourselves. And by we, I mean me, Jordan. Jake formatted it like a month ago. That’s why it’s so late. Sorry! <3 

System Quote: “Tropicana Field sucks.”

Rays Top Ten:

  1. Yellow Matt Joyce
  2. Greg Vaughn
  3. Akinori Iwamura
  4. Rocco Baldelli 
  5. Jorge Cantu
  6. Jason Bartlett
  7. Evan Longoria
  8. Rafael Soriano
  9. Johnny Damon
  10. Scott Kazmir

Screen Shot 2013-12-19 at 1.14.07 PM1. Yellow Matt Joyce

 Size: M/L/2XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $12.99 + $3.99 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Looks like a baseball jersey, wears like a tee”

 The Tools: 6 derp; awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 8 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: First, Matt Joyce played well. Then he didn’t. Then Delmon Young played instead of him. Then he took some naps.

Strengths: The only thing cooler than retro shirseys with silly color schemes are fake retro shirseys with silly color schemes. “Yes, Mom,” you’ll brag, “This is my yellow Rays shirsey.” You’ll also be able to convince your friends that the Rays were formed in 1971. Really absurd that the only player for whom this shirsey design is available is Matt Joyce.

Weaknesses: Fake time travel always pisses off the baseball gods.

Overall Future Potential: 7; elite design means huge ceiling

Realistic Role: 5; you’ll still struggle against left-handed friends

Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; there are flaws in this shirsey’s game

The Year Ahead: This beautiful yellow piece of clothing will continue to fail to represent any part of Tampa Bay’s history.

Wardrobe ETA: ????

Screen Shot 2013-12-19 at 1.17.37 PM2. Greg Vaughn

 Size: L

 Current Status: Sold

 Website: eBay

 Price: $4.99 + $4.99 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Some cracking in the printed logo/numbers.  Awesome shirt at a great price!”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: It was the 10th anniversary of Greg Vaughn not playing professional baseball. Greg’s SON, Cory, hit .267/.346/.424 at Double-A  Binghamton. Yeah. Also, holy shit, Greg Vaughn hit 50 home runs in 1998 and hit more home runs in his career than Luis Gonzalez and other good baseball players. Good for you, Greg Vaughn.

Strengths: He’s Mo Vaughn’s cousin. Also, this was awesome: “In 1999, he became the only player in major league history to be traded after a 50-homer season when the Padres traded him to the Cincinnati Reds. Vaughn’s arrival in Cincinnati caused a bit of a controversy with club ownership and their no facial hair policy. Vaughn styled a goatee that he really didn’t want to remove. Fans urged owner Marge Schott to lift the long standing policy that had been in place since 1967 which she eventually did. On the field, he hit 45 homers and became the second player in major league history to hit 40 or more homers in consecutive seasons with two different teams.” (Wikipedia)

Weaknesses: He’s not Mo Vaughn.

Overall Future Potential: 6; still a Vaughn

Realistic Role: 5; still not Mo Vaughn, or Greg Vaughan from General Hospital

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; we’ve discussed guys named Greg on the podcast

The Year Ahead: Presumably his son will continue to play minor league baseball while he continues to not be eligible for the Hall of Fame anymore :(

Wardrobe ETA: 1998

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New York Yankees Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Yankees BP Top 10 Prospects.

Costanza, Giambi, Melky, Hafner, and Nunez write-ups are courtesy of Andrew Mearns, editor and writer over at Pinstripe Alley, the SB Nation Yankees blorrogrogrogrogorgorogog. You can follow him @MearnsPSA.

System Quote: “Derek Jeter really sucks at shortstop.”

Yankees Top Ten:

  1. George Costanza
  2. Jason Giambi Red
  3. Red Bernie Williams
  4. Melky Cabrera
  5. Derek Jeter Grease Stain
  6. Pink Toddler A-Rod
  7. Mark Teixiera
  8. Travis Hafner
  9. Tino Martinez
  10. Eduardo Nunez

Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 4.26.14 PM1. George Costanza

Size: XL
Current Status: No longer available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $54.50 + $9.98 Shipping or Best offer
eBay Description: “GREAT FOR YANKEE FANS OR SEINFELD FANS VERY HARD TO FIND JERSEY”
The Tools: 9 derp; 7 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 5 potential color scheme; 2 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: George Costanza continued to be a fictional character in the Seinfeld universe, serving as Assistant to the Traveling Secretary for the Yankees. Might have dealt with personal shrinkage problems and on an related note, suggest to Joe Girardi that the team wear cotton uniforms, as he did to Buck Showalter 19 years ago.
Strengths: You don’t see many fictional Yankees shirseys, let alone shirseys with the fantastic double-zero. No Yankee has ever worn zero, so it’s certainly unique in that regard. Also, Seinfeld.
Weaknesses: The price is insane. It was actually re-listed from its original asking price of $74.50. Stunned that it didn’t sell, amirite? Also, it’s no longer available, as the seller just settled for the best offer. I can only assume that the best offer was a couple of crayons and a pudding. Questions about shirsey legitimacy also raise some eyebrows.
Overall Future Potential: 6; Seinfeld isn’t likely to air again anytime soon, and more people will forget who George Costanza is.
Realistic Role: 2; it just occurred to me that people might think noted batting expert Jose Constanza joined the Yankees. Beware.
Risk Factor/Injury History: The shrinkage is a serious threat. Stay away from the pool.
The Year Ahead: SERENITY NOW!

Baltimore Orioles Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Orioles BP Top 10 Prospects.

Christ, Chen, Pie, and Sosa write-ups are courtesy of OUR GOOD FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL ROBBIE SHORR. You can find him nowhere. He is a nice guy. You would probably like him too.

System Quote: “The Bible is the cradle wherein Christ hits 53 home runs.”

Orioles Top Ten:

  1. Purple and Green Christ Davis
  2. Melvin Mora
  3. Koji Uehara
  4. Mandarin Chinese Wei-Yin Chen
  5. Vlad Guerrero
  6. Garret Olson
  7. Kevin Gregg
  8. Felix Pie
  9. Rafi Palmeiro
  10. Sammy Sosa

Screen Shot 2013-12-09 at 2.04.41 PM1. Purple and Green Christ Davis

 Size: S, M, L (Apparently they have more than one of these)

 Current Status: 10 available (10!)

 Website: eBay

 Price: $17.99

 eBay Description: “Nobody knows t-shirts like Gildan, and this classic Ultra Cotton style is a great choice for teams, giveaways, marathons or anyone’s T-shirt drawer.”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 7 potential color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Everything. After a torrid start to the season, Davis took some time off because he died for our sins. When he eventually rose, Davis continued to hit balls far, breaking the Orioles single-season home run record.

Strengths: Contains a superhero reference. Is purple and green.

Weaknesses: Is purple and green. Doesn’t really help quiet steroid rumors. (I assume that whatever radioactive stuff gave Hulk his powers is a banned PED).

Overall Future Potential: 6; if you wear this at a bar, you’ll probably get a few high fives.

Realistic Role: 5; it’s highly unlikely Davis hits as many bombs as last year.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; comes with all of the questions that any power-hitting shirsey faces in baseball today.

The Year Ahead: Davis will have to take a backseat to next year’s “Edwin Encarnacion.”

Wardrobe ETA: 2015

Screen Shot 2013-12-09 at 2.20.23 PM2. Melvin Mora

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $3.84

 eBay Description: “Given away at Camden Yards. In 2008 or 2009.”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 8 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Melvin Mora spent most of his time at home taking care of his sextuplets.

Strengths: Like Mora, this shirt can play multiple positions. An extra large has the ability to clothe six children at the same damn time. Elite price.

Weaknesses: If you fear the devil, stay away from this shirsey. It features four different six grade tools and the number six on the back. Mora also has sextuplets. So yeah, beware. Also could be mistaken as a football coach shirsey.

Overall Future Potential: 6; because 6

Realistic Role: 6; because 6

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; price eliminates any semblance of risk.

The Year Ahead: The sextuplets will turn 12, seriously strengthening Fallston, Maryland’s Little League All Star Team’s entire infield. THE MORAS ARE EVERYWHERE.

Wardrobe ETA: 666

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Detroit Tigers Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Tigers BP Top 10 Prospects.

Dontrelle, Shelton, and Perry write-ups are courtesy of Matt Sussman, our most recent special guest on the Barbecast. He is funny and you should like him. Follow him on Twitter @suss2hyphens.

Thompson and Thames write-ups are courtesy of Jordan Gorosh, our good friend over at TigersProspectReport. Go follow him too if you like hearing about what Eugenio Suarez is up to. 

System Quote: “You know, tigers are very unpredictable.”

Tigers Top Ten:

  1. Dontrelle Willis
  2. Horseman
  3. Dmitri Young
  4. Justin Thompson
  5. Joel Zumaya
  6. Chris Shelton
  7. Kenny Rogers
  8. Travis Fryman
  9. Ryan Perry
  10. Marcus Thames

Screen Shot 2013-11-29 at 8.45.28 PM

1. Dontrelle Willis

Size: M

 Current Status: Owned by Jake

 Website: Jake’s drawers

 Price: One million pesos

 eBay Description: “Very good shape”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 7 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; questionable price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Ended his brief retirement to sign minor-league contracts with the Cubs and Angels, with the Long Island Ducks in between. He still walks many batters.

Strengths: Great nickname (D-Train), great leg kick (D-Train Kick), was once a 22-game winner and the Rookie of the Year.

Weaknesses: Large amounts of cash causes him to break out in hives.

Overall Future Potential: 7; the potential of wearing a Dontrelle Willis original can be a positive experience. You can tell strangers “I saw one of his two Tigers wins in person.” (I did, but I do not have this shirt.) If the anecdote is successfully turned, you will become the life of the party that you most certainly crashed.

Realistic Role: 6; you can cut two additional holes into the shirt and make a dog shirt. A Dogtrelle Willis shirt.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Given that Willis’ DL trips in Detroit were officially because of “anxiety disorder,” that really makes this a melancholy shirt. It’s sad when a pitcher is sad and doesn’t pitch well, because preferably our pitchers have control issues grounded in funnier reasons, such as rattled by the core concept of “The Human Centipede,” or distracted by the pitching coach’s mustache or flatulence.

The Year Ahead: Quite possibly another spring training invite, because he’s Dontrelle freaking Willis and you’re not. Kick that leg to the skies.

Wardrobe ETA: 2018,

on his second comeback attempt with the Tigers.

Screen Shot 2013-11-29 at 8.47.02 PM2. Horseman

Size: XXL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $14.96

 eBay Description: “Detroit Tigers #4 Four Horseman T-Shirt Jersey Sz XXL”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 4 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: His lower, horse-ier half began to deteriorate, but his upper, more human side continued to grow ever so stronger.

Strengths: Custom shirseys that make their way onto the glorious utopia that is the eBay marketplace always sport at least plus-plus derp. Hopefully this belonged to a Tigers fan who wore a horse’s head to every game.

Weaknesses: Someone might take your name too literally and find a way to chop off your head. The number 4 on the back raises serious questions about whether there are three other horsemen running around. Previous owner may have been murdered and placed in someone’s bed, Karthoum style.

Overall Future Potential: Low 6; the elite derp offers a legit ceiling.

Realistic Role: 4; too many questions from your friends.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; dependent on both horse and man.

The Year Ahead: Will do man things. Will do horse things as well.

Wardrobe ETA: When the horseman cometh.

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Cleveland Indians Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Indians BP Top 10 Prospects.

Einar, Alomar, Broussard, Gerut, and Wright write-ups are courtesy of Al Ciammaichella, Indians fan and one of our bestestestestestestestest friends. Al writes for theclevelandfan.com and The DiaTribe. You can follow him @Gotribe31

System Quote: “Though we may know Him by a thousand names, He is one and the same to us all.”

Indians Top Ten:

  1.  Jordan Brown
  2. Grady Sizemore Haltertop
  3. Einar Diaz
  4. Fausto Carmona
  5. Ryan Garko
  6. Sandy Alomar Jr. 
  7. Richie Sexson
  8. Ben Broussard
  9. Jody Gerut
  10. Jaret Wright

Screen Shot 2013-11-23 at 5.35.50 PM1. Jordan Brown

 Size: M

Current Status: Available for purchase

Website: eBay

Price: $9.67 + $5.49 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Very Hard to Find , ?? BROWN”  

The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Okay, to be clear, we have no idea who this shirsey is supposed to be representing. If it’s actually Jordan Brown, who never even wore number 63 for the Indians, then he had a really funny year. I say this because he was one of 17 million strangers to get at-bats for the Marlins this year. 15 at-bats, to be exact. Yes, this year! After not playing a single game in the majors since 10/3/10, Jordan Brown managed to put on a Miami Marlins uniform for 14 games and actually play. Of course, if we’re not talking about Jordan Brown, I have no idea. I suppose the color brown had a decent year. A lot of people pooped.   

Strengths: 63 is a cool number to have on the back of your shirsey. Paired with the surname “Brown”, this shirsey would fool any pedestrian who happens to see it. It looks enough like an actual player to be convincing. The player obscurity is an elite tool because again, who is this? Currently, Justin Masterson wears number 63 for Cleveland. “Nice Justin Masterson shirsey”, an unbelievably illiterate person might say. The eBay description sums it up; this is VERY hard to find.

Weaknesses: Seriously, what the hell? There have only 107 players in MLB history to wear the number 63. Only one of them had the last name “Brown” and he played in 15 games for the Angels from 2007-2008. Only five of them played for the Indians, one of which was Rafael Betancourt. Ew, Rafael Betancourt.

Overall Future Potential: High 7; remarkable consistency as it never fails to confuse anyone that has followed the Indians for too long

Realistic Role: High 6; sticks around for a long time as that shirsey you can wear in any situation

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; imaginary players can’t get injured

The Year Ahead: “Brown – 63″ will continue to not be an actual thing in the Cleveland sports community.

Wardrobe ETA: Never or always

Screen Shot 2013-11-23 at 5.38.43 PM2. Grady Sizemore Haltertop

 Size: One size fits all

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $15.00 + $4.50

 eBay Description: “I altered the shirt by my own halter top design to give you a great fit and a sexy look.”

 The Tools: 8 derp; 4 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 7 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Since the start of 2012, Grady Sizemore has played the same number of games as all the dead people have combined: zero.

Strengths: Most shirseys have the name on the back, but this monster flips the establishment on its head. Described by the creator as “D.I.Y.”, this shirt is a masterpiece of creative impulse. I’m not quite sure what the purpose was behind its creation, but it intrigues me in a way I cannot describe with words.

Weaknesses: If I wore it I’d  feel like I was wearing a regular shirsey backwards. Also, I don’t look very good in a haltertop.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if you saw a girl wearing this at a party, you’d approach her in a swift and decisive manner.

Realistic Role: 3; it’s actually just a rag

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; the back has the potential to come untied at any point

The Year Ahead: If Sizemore can send the owner of this… “thing” more nudie pics then we might have a love story for the ages.

Wardrobe ETA: No!

Screen Shot 2013-11-23 at 5.42.58 PM3. Einar Diaz

 Size: One size fits all

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price:  $14.99 + $3.99

 eBay Description: “Díaz was called up in 1996 by the Cleveland Indians to back up then-starting catcher Sandy Alomar, Jr. He played sparingly from 1996-1998, and in 1999 he got his first starting job with the Indians due to an injury to Alomar. From 2001-2002, Díaz was the primary starting catcher for the Cleveland Indians. Following the 2002 season, he was traded to the Texas Rangers to replace All-Star catcher Iván Rodríguez, who left for free agency. This was the last starting job Díaz would see. He continued his career as a backup catcher with the Montreal Expos in 2004, the St. Louis Cardinals in 2005, and the minor league Buffalo Bisons in 2006.”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 6+ player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Assistant hitting coach of the Baltimore Orioles. So nothing.

Strengths: He’s a catcher, therefore awesome. Was once traded as part of a package for Travis Hafner. Upon donning this shirsey, your ability to hose runners at 2B from your knees increases approximately 38%. Wear it to an O’s game to impress both Diaz and Jake.

Weaknesses: With the #2, could be mistaken for a Jhonny Peralta shirsey at a distance. He was really never any good. currently employed by another AL team.

Overall Future Potential: 6; if he becomes a major-league manager, this could become a fun shirsey to wear. Possible 7 if he becomes the Indians manager.

Realistic Role: 4; He’s already 40 (good God that makes me feel old), and is only an assistant hitting coach. Not likely to skipper a big league team, but could be a bullpen coach.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low. Diaz should be pretty safe sitting in the O’s dugout. But then again that’s what we thought about Nolan Reimold.

The Year Ahead: Eating sausages in/outside Camden yards.

Wardrobe ETA: 2001

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Kansas City Royals Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Royals BP Top 10 Prospects.

John Buck, Country Breakfast, and Jeff Francouer write-ups are courtesy of the nicest Mark in America, Mike Ferrin. Mike is on MLB Network Radio because he is a big shot. You can follow him on Twitter @MikeFerrinSXM. You can listen to him share his baseball wisdom with us on our 10th Barbecast by clicking here. 

System Quote: “In a small way, having Chevrolet as a sponsor makes me feel like we’ve won the World Series.”

Royals Top Ten:

  1. Gil Meche
  2. Mark Teahen
  3. Chevrolet 
  4. Mark Grudzielanek
  5. Coco Crisp
  6. Mike Sweeney
  7. John Buck
  8. Country Breakfast
  9. Bizarre Eric Hosmer
  10. Jeff Francoeur

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.05.10 PM1. Gil Meche

 Size:  

Current Status: Available for purchase  

Website: eBay  

Price: $11.99 as 2 for 1 with Mark Teahen  

eBay Description: “#55 MECHE SHIRT IS FADED AND SCREEN PRINT IS CRACKED/DISTRESSED”  

The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 7 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Meche is still busy walking away from $12 million dollars. It’s unclear how far away he’s managed to get from said $12 million dollars.

Strengths: When people repeatedly ask you why in the world you would wear a derpy Gil Meche jersey, just remind them that Mr. Meche was drafted 662 spots ahead of Roy Oswalt in the 1996 draft. Yeah. That happened. You’re also getting a combo package with the equally derpy Mark Teahen.

Weaknesses: You don’t want to be mistaken for Gil Meche, the guy who walked away from $12 million dollars. Also, much most Royals fans, this shirsey is DISTRESSED.

Overall Future Potential: 7; non all-star all-star level derp shirsey for all occasions

Realistic Role: 5; you walk away from it and never wear it again

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; Meche isn’t coming back to baseball any time soon, so his beautifully mediocre MLB legacy should remain the same forever and ever

The Year Ahead: He’ll continue to walk away from the previously mentioned $12 million dollars. Maybe he’ll even start running away.

Wardrobe ETA: 1996

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 3.07.33 PM2. Mark Teahen

Size:  

Current Status: Available for purchase  

Website: eBay  

Price: $11.99 as 2 for 1 with Gil Meche  

eBay Description: “#24 TEAHEN SHIRT HAS A SPOT ON FRONT SIDE STOMACH REGION”  

The Tools: 6+ derp; 5+ awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 7 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Teahen started the year with the Rangers and played a couple months in Round Rock before his release. He then signed on with the Independent York Revolution and proceeded to revolutionize things.

Strengths: Just like the brother Gil Meche shirt, the lettering is not normal. It looks kinda skinny. I guess Teahen’s been working out. Despite problems that come with the white shirt, the material looks fantastic. Great price.

Weaknesses: There’s a stain on the front; common of white shirts which are prone to such staining. This shirsey will probably make you ground into a lot of double plays in daily situations. I don’t know what that means but Mark Teahen led the majors in GIDP in 2007 so that’s where that joke came from. Alright.

Overall Future Potential: 6; makeup shirsey that sticks in the wardrobe for way longer than expected

Realistic Role: 5; solid major league shirsey that sticks in the wardrobe for way longer than you want it to

Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium; the stain potential here is immense

The Year Ahead: Could be quickly transformed into a Teahen Tie-Dye shirsey and we all know how much we love/hate/love/hate/love those.

Wardrobe ETA: 2007

Screen Shot 2013-11-19 at 12.15.09 AM3. Chevrolet 

 Size:  

Current Status: Available for purchase  

Website: eBay  

Price: $4.99 + $2.99 Shipping  

eBay Description: “Please let me know if you have any questions”  

The Tools: 7+ derp; 3 awesomeness; 2 truck obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 7 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Chevrolet’s “STRONG” ad campaign drove baseball fans to the brink of spontaneous combustion. We retaliated with fire… and Rock Shoulders.

Strengths: “Who’s Chevrolet?” Your friends will ask “Did he play second base?” Because let’s face it, John Chevrolet sounds like a scrappy second baseman from somewhere in southern Indiana. Raised by Irish-American parents, he fought his way through elementary school, curb stomping bullies with his kid size 12 light up Mickey Mouse shoes. From there, he grew up to become the all time points leader for the Jebediah A. Whoppingham Junior High School basketball team as a 4’8 twelve year old. Chevy, as his friends called him, finally started focusing solely on baseball during his sophomore year for the Murray Stinkytits High School Fighting Root Canals. He went on to dominate D7 college baseball at the University of The Lord’s Redeemed Savior’s Holy Cross Christ Davis College in Jesus, Indiana. After being drafted 1st overall by the Royals he shot up their minor league system as well as heroine which unfortunately sidetracked his career and led to his untimely death in 1987. He is survived by his dog Abacus and his pet box of goldfish Mark.

Weaknesses: “Please let me know if you have any questions” Uh, excuse me, I HAVE ALL THE QUESTIONS.

Overall Future Potential: 6; it could be the kind of shirsey that helps you find your cow in the rain.

Realistic Role: 3; it will probably break down in Triple-A

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; a lot of miles on that bad boy.

The Year Ahead: If we fix the rear axel and tweak the steering dynamics, we might be able to salvage a career for Chevrolet. If not, we’re looking at a shirsey you wear at the gym and eventually use as nothing more than a rat tailing weapon.

Wardrobe ETA: 20STRONNNNNNG

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