Jack Ear Hobbits On Day

by jakemintz

 A Sexy Sexy Sexy Man

  • In honor of Jackie Robinson Day, all players change their last names to Robinson.
  • In honor of Jackie Robinson Day, the Dodgers move their fences in to 42 feet. Dee Gordon can finally hit home runs.
  • In honor of Jackie Robinson Day, Trayvon Robinson gets to start in CF.
  • In honor of Jackie Robinson Day, all pitchers are taken out after 42 pitches.
  • In honor of Jackie Robinson Day, only 42 year old players are allowed to play. Those players are:
    • Darren Oliver
    • Jason Giambi
  • In honor of Jackie Robinson Day, we recognize players with exactly 42.0 career WAR. These players are:
    • Wally Berger
    • Goose Gossage
    • Jim Perry
    • Davey Lopes
    • Darryl Strawberry

So on this sacred day, be thankful for Jackie and all the “athletic” and “raw” and “toolsy” baseball players that wouldn’t be playing if not for him. Also, without Jackie, we wouldn’t have any of the following .gifs.

What Has Changed About Chris Davis ?

by Jordan Shusterman

This past January, Baseball Prospectus’ Sam Miller explored the possibility of former Orioles slugger Mark Reynolds having a very unfortunate visual deficiency. It got me thinking.

Baltimore Orioles first baseman/designated hitter/occasional disastrous right fielder Chris Davis is off to an unbelievable start to the 2013 season. Through 14 games and 58 humble plate appearances, Davis is slugging a comical .784 with 20 RBI and 6 dingers. In 2011, split between Texas and Baltimore, Davis drove in 18 runs and hit 5 dingers over 210 plate appearances. Last year, he broke out in a full season with the O’s, blasting 33 home runs and driving in 85. He’s always had big time raw power, but it’s never translated to this extent.  So what changed? What has changed about Chris Davis that has turned him into a true middle-of-the-order threat? 

It had to be something subtle, I pondered. He hasn’t developed a new approach or magically acquired improved hand-eye coordination to help reduce the strikeouts. I believe Chris Davis has actually eliminated a part of his game in order to improve his performance.

After nearly a full 10 minutes of research, I’ve concluded that Chris Davis has decided to stop blinking. It seems hard to comprehend, but the evidence is overwhelming. Let’s take a look back at Davis’ days as a Texas Ranger.

Here are some conveniently timed screenshots of Chris Davis participating in interviews as a Ranger:

blink 1  blink 5

Here is Chris Davis blinking, or being a pervert:

blink 3

Here is Chris Davis blinking in front of his locker (notice his abysmal numbers through 45 games):

blink 6

Here is a frustrated Chris Davis blinking:

blink 4

Here is Chris Davis blinking after hitting a home run:

blink 2

Here is Chris Davis probably blinking:

blink 7

***

So we’ve identified the problem. Has Davis really fixed this horrendous flaw in his game?

Here is Chris Davis not blinking as two female fans admire his biceps:

Here is Chris Davis showcasing his new and improved eternal stare:

Here is Chris Davis not blinking while being interviewed during spring training:

Here is Chris Davis shirtless and still not blinking:

“You thought I was gonna blink, right? Wrong.”

I rest my case, your honor.

.gifs From Last Night: The Matt Wieters Walk-Off Grand Slam

by jakemintz

Orioles-Rays

  • No one combines athleticism with awkwardness better than Orioles catcher Matt Wieters.
  • Last night, Wieters put it all together with the bases bolstered in the underside of the 10th and launched the rawhide up into the bleachers in right.
  • Everyone loves a walk-off. Everyone loves a grand slam. Everyone loves a free lunch. Two out of three ain’t bad.
  • If you haven’t yet heard one of the most awesome walk-off calls in recent memory please go do so now. “The ballgame is over” Straight. Up. Monotoned. Beauty.
  • Happiness is awesome. Look at Machado’s face. Watch Chris Dickerson bernie his way out of the shot. Watch Markakis get his head almost clobbered by someone’s ass.

Dorks

Happy 25th Birthday Dee Gordon !

by Jordan Shusterman

Today is Los Angeles Dodgers shortstop Dee Gordon’s 25th birthday. Let’s talk about Dee Gordon.

Devaris “Dee” Strange-Gordon (no seriously, that’s his name) was born in Florida. He is the son of former major league pitcher Tom Gordon, who had a lengthy and rather successful career for eight different teams. Dee was drafted by the Dodgers in the 4th round of the 2008 draft. Here’s most of what you should know about Dee Gordon as a baseball player: he has the body of a malnourished 14 year old, he has true 80 grade speed, and he can occasionally make amazing plays at short. There’s seriously not much else to know besides that one time he hit an upper deck bomb at Coors Field because Rockies. Even with that lone homer, Gordon has slugged a remarkable .315 through 563 career plate appearances. Let’s take a look at some of our favorite pictures of Dee Gordon.

Here is a .gif of Dee Gordon stealing a jacket from Matt Kemp:

Here is a .gif of Matt Kemp getting payback:

.gifs From Last Night: Scary Francona

by jakemintz

Indians-Astros

  • The Cleveland Outdated Racisms scored 14 runs in the first two innings. Everyone loves the runs. Jason Giambi hit a double which required more running than he had done in years. Cleveland ended up putting 19 runs which is also a lot of runs. And everyone loves the runs. But none of this was enough to cheer up grumpy Scary Francona who is seen below journeying from the dugout to yell at the young geezers who were running on his lawn. 

These Cleats Are Made For Walking: An Update

by Jordan Shusterman

Happy Monday, everybody. We’re three weeks into the season. Here’s a fun stat that means almost nothing:

Through a total of 598 plate appearances, Welington Castillo, Carlos Gomez, A.J. Pollock, Chris Getz, Rajai Davis, Erick Aybar, Rick Ankiel, Collin Cowgill, Erik Kratz, Daniel Descalso, Dayan Viciedo, Ryan Flaherty and Jeff Keppinger have combined for an astoundingly hilarious ZERO WALKS.

We’ll check back in again next Monday.

.gifs From Last Night: Joey Shats

by jakemintz

Blue Jays-Orioles

  • Here we see Adam Lind, Edwin Encarnacion, Mark DeRosa and Jose Bautista ducking for their lives.
  • Edwin’s reaction is similar to that of a small child getting a spider shoved in his face
  • Bautista’s dodge is clearly the most impressive, as he woulda gotten that ball right in the face.
  • You have to wonder why DeRosa bothered getting out of the way; you would think as the Veteran Presence he would take one for the team to stop the team’s real superstar from getting hurt.
  • It’s unclear who that is shielding his head at the end of the frame on the far left, but that is technique form if I ever saw it.
  • The batter of this foul ball was Munenori Kawasaki, who has been responsible for his fair share of amazingly hilarious .gifs as well.