Christ, Chen, Pie, and Sosa write-ups are courtesy of OUR GOOD FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL ROBBIE SHORR. You can find him nowhere. He is a nice guy. You would probably like him too.
System Quote: “The Bible is the cradle wherein Christ hits 53 home runs.”
Orioles Top Ten:
- Purple and Green Christ Davis
- Melvin Mora
- Koji Uehara
- Mandarin Chinese Wei-Yin Chen
- Vlad Guerrero
- Garret Olson
- Kevin Gregg
- Felix Pie
- Rafi Palmeiro
- Sammy Sosa
Size: S, M, L (Apparently they have more than one of these)
Current Status: 10 available (10!)
eBay Description: “Nobody knows t-shirts like Gildan, and this classic Ultra Cotton style is a great choice for teams, giveaways, marathons or anyone’s T-shirt drawer.”
The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 7 potential color scheme; 5 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Everything. After a torrid start to the season, Davis took some time off because he died for our sins. When he eventually rose, Davis continued to hit balls far, breaking the Orioles single-season home run record.
Strengths: Contains a superhero reference. Is purple and green.
Weaknesses: Is purple and green. Doesn’t really help quiet steroid rumors. (I assume that whatever radioactive stuff gave Hulk his powers is a banned PED).
Overall Future Potential: 6; if you wear this at a bar, you’ll probably get a few high fives.
Realistic Role: 5; it’s highly unlikely Davis hits as many bombs as last year.
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; comes with all of the questions that any power-hitting shirsey faces in baseball today.
The Year Ahead: Davis will have to take a backseat to next year’s “Edwin Encarnacion.”
Wardrobe ETA: 2015
Current Status: Available for purchase
eBay Description: ”Given away at Camden Yards. In 2008 or 2009.”
The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 8 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Melvin Mora spent most of his time at home taking care of his sextuplets.
Strengths: Like Mora, this shirt can play multiple positions. An extra large has the ability to clothe six children at the same damn time. Elite price.
Weaknesses: If you fear the devil, stay away from this shirsey. It features four different six grade tools and the number six on the back. Mora also has sextuplets. So yeah, beware. Also could be mistaken as a football coach shirsey.
Overall Future Potential: 6; because 6
Realistic Role: 6; because 6
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; price eliminates any semblance of risk.
The Year Ahead: The sextuplets will turn 12, seriously strengthening Fallston, Maryland’s Little League All Star Team’s entire infield. THE MORAS ARE EVERYWHERE.
Wardrobe ETA: 666