2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Colorado Rockies

charlie brown dinger

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Projected Lineup

CF: Car Leap Lake Man

RF: Car Lost Gun Soles

SS: Trout Who Lauren Ski

1B: Trusting Borneo

3B: No Lanyard Hey Nando

LF: Corny Tick Carton

C: Whaling Row Sorry Hoe

2B: Teach A Lame Hay Hue

SP: Whore Aiding La-Toaster

SP: Shoeless Chasing

SP: Caulk Header Ink

SP: Gourd and Liars

SP: Dialer Matchstick

Off-season Haiku

ARE THEY FINALLY

GONNA TRADE TULOWITZKI?

No. Of course not. Stop.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Wilin Rosario off Mike Minor – 468 feet

This homer made it 10-6 in the fourth inning. #Coors4Ever

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Brandon Barnes off Sergio Romo – 304 feet

This was easily one of the craziest plays of the entire 2014 season, and a healthy reminder that Brandon Barnes had over 300 plate appearances for the Rockies last year.

Shortest Actual Home Run of 2014
Wilin Rosario off Cole Hamels – 351 feet

Rosario has his fair share of flaws as a baseball player, particularly defensively: he’s lead the league in passed balls for each of the past three years. However, hitting baseballs over the fence is not a problem for Mr. Rosario.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Buddy Boshers
  • 2B Angelys Nina
  • RHP Nate Striz
  • 3B Jayson Langfels
  • SS Trevor Story
  • RHP Huascar Brazoban
  • RHP Rayan Gonzalez
  • RHP Alving Mejias
  • C Abel Baker
  • OF Kyle Von Tungeln
  • 3B Dean Espy
  • RHP Johendi Jiminian
  • RHP Matt Pierpont
  • C Ashley Graeter
  • C Cambric Moye
  • SS Emerson Jimenez
  • 1B Correlle Prime
  • OF Raimel Tapia
  • RHP Eric Nedeljkovic
  • RHP Joel Payamps
  • LHP Helmis Rodriguez
  • RHP Grahamm Wiest
  • RHP Chad Zurat
  • 2B Sam Bumpers
  • OF Denzel Richardson
  • OF Marcos Derkes
  • LHP Yoely Bello
  • RHP Gavin Glanz
  • C Hamlet Marte
  • 2B Forrest Wall
  • OF Omar Carrizales
  • LHP Breiling Eusebio
  • RHP Salvador Justo
  • RHP Lorenz Ozuna
  • RHP Yohander Quintana
  • RHP Alejandro Requena
  • RHP Ismael Viloria
  • C Hidekel Gonzalez
  • C Wilkyns Jimenez

Three Bold Predictions

  • Charlie Blackmon and Corey Dickerson morph into one amorphous blob named Charcor Blackdick.
  • After months of research, scientists discover that the only way to keep the ball from flying so far at Coors Field is to hot-box the entire stadium. Coors Field instantly boasts the highest attendance in the National League.
  •  Troy Tulowitzki is playing for the Denver Nuggets by August.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Cincinnati Reds

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Projected Lineup

CF: Bile He Milton

3B: Turd Frizzer

1B: Shoe Heave Otter

C: Diving Messy Rocky

RF: Gabe Ruse

2B: Browned Hen Flips

LF: Maryland Purred

SS: Sack O’Shart

SP: Chaw Knee Kuwait Her

SP: Home Orb Allie

SP: My Clique

SP: Toe Niece Ingrained

SP: Die Linux Hell Road

Off-season Haiku

Latos, Simon: gone.

Marlon Byrd in left field now.

PLEASE STAY, CUETO! PLEASE!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Ryan Ludwick off Yohan Flande – 458 feet

At :10, Yohan Flande expresses two decades-worth of Coors Field frustration with a single look.
Shortest Home Run of 2014
Brayan Pena off Jim Henderson – 340 feet

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Donovan Hand
  • RHP Euclides Leyer
  • 1B Marquez Smith
  • 2B Hernan Iribarren
  • 3B Irving Falu
  • RHP El’Hajj Muhammad
  • SS Zach Vincej
  • OF Beau Amaral
  • OF Jeff Gelalich
  • OF Sebastian Elizalde
  • C Chad Tromp
  • SS Carlton Daal
  • 1B Avain Rachal
  • RHP Tejay Antone
  • RHP Soid Marquez
  • C Shedric Long
  • 1B Argenis Aldazoro
  • 3B Alberti Chavez
  • SS Josciel Veras
  • OF Aristides Aquino
  • RHP Israel Cuevas
  • RHP Franderlyn Romero
  • LHP Mason Felt
  • C Mitch Trees
  • SS Montrell Marshall
  • OF Narciso Crook
  • OF Reydel Medina
  • OF Jose Siri
  • OF Jonathan Martijn
  • RHP Wendolyn Bautista
  • RHP Eriberto Garcia
  • LHP Yean Paredes
  • RHP Adolfi Telleria
  • C Pabel Manzanero
  • 1B Derik Capitillo
  • OF Sucre Doval

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Todd Frazier, easily the most dad player in all of MLB, fulfills his destiny by getting traded to the Padres at the trade deadline for Rymer Lirano and Yangervis Solarte’s credit card debt.
  2. Three more casual Reds fans finally learn who Zack Cozart is.
  3. Billy Hamilton gets a 50 game suspension after an umpire discovers that his blazing speed on the basepaths has been aided by wheels at the bottom of his cleats. That’s right people; Billy Hamilton wears Heelys to work.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Miami Marlins

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Projected Lineup

2B: Dig Or Down

LF: Cries Tunnel Itch

RF: Junk Harlots Tanking

1B: My Shell Mouse

CF: Morsel Ozone

3B: More Temp Hardo

C: Chair Heads A Turtle My Kia

SS: Aid O’Niece Have Area

SP: O’Safe Or Andes

SP: Mettle A Toast

SP: Hand Her Son All Bores

SP: Shared Coke Shart

SP: Dang A Rang

Off-season Haiku

Giancarlo got PAID.

Latos, Dee Gordon, Mike Morse,

They signed Ichiro!!!!!11!1!!!!!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Giancarlo Stanton off Eric Stults – 484 feet

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Garrett Jones off Gonzalez Germen – 352 feet

And to think, Garrett Jones is about to play 81 games at Yankee Stadium. The lame RF home runs have only just begun!

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Pat Urckfitz
  • RHP Lay Batista
  • 3B Terrence Dayleg
  • 1B Viosergy Rosa
  • C Chadd Krist
  • C Sharif Othman
  • SS Yosmany Guerra
  • OF Jesus Solorzano
  • RHP Esmerling De La Rosa
  • LHP Stone Speer
  • C Chris Hoo
  • 3B Rehiner Cordova
  • 3B J.T. Riddle
  • OF Yefri Perez
  • RHP Juancito Martinez
  • RHP Jorgan Cavanerio
  • C Rodrigo Vigil
  • 2B Iramis Olivencia
  • RHP Ayron Adames
  • SS Justin Twine
  • OF Stone Garrett
  • OF Anfernee Seymour
  • OF Isael Soto
  • OF Galvi Moscat
  • LHP Mauricio Atizol
  • RHP Yonqueli Perez
  • LHP Jose Quijada
  • SS Garvis Lara
  • 1B Yobanis Pinto
  • 2B Leisman Acosta
  • 3B Yefry Reyes

Three Bold Predictions

  • In celebration of signing his $325 million contract, Giancarlo Stanton decides to pimp out his home away from home: right field at Marlins Park. Upgrades will include ripping up the natural grass in order to lay down an expensive handwoven Persian rug, flat screens on the right field wall, and a mini-fridge down the line so Giancarlo can have his hilariously enormous bottles of champagne whenever he wants.
  • Jose Fernandez comes back, but isn’t close to the same. He now wants to be known as Giancarlo Fernandez.
  • Dee Gordon falls in love with Long John Silver’s, eats frozen fish-sticks for 60% of his meals, gains 14o pounds, and is out of baseball by July.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Los Angeles Angels

 trout lol

 

 

 

 

 

 

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

LF: Goal Gallon

CF: My Cat Route

1B: Halibut Poop Holes

RF: Sasha Mill Tone

3B: Day Video Frizz

DH: See Jake Run

SS: Harry Gay Bar

2B: Jaw Shirt Tut Ledge

C: Chrissy An Header

SP: Chair The Weevil

SP: Seat Change Whale Son

SP: Carrot Renters

SP: Match Home Raker

SP: Canned Rue Honey

Off-season Haiku

Kendrick for Heaney,

Random Cuban (Baldoquin),

Didn’t trade Mike Trout!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Mike Trout off Jason Vargas – 489 feet

Because being the best baseball player on the planet wasn’t enough, Mike Trout also hit this ridiculous dinger, the farthest home run in all of baseball in 2014.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Kole Calhoun off Jerome Williams – 351 feet

The right field corner in Angel Stadium is certainly short, but it’s crazy to think it’s still 50 feet farther back than the Pesky Pole in Fenway.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Atahualpa Severino
  • OF Kentrail Davis
  • LHP Carmine Giardina
  • LHP Kramer Sneed
  • LHP Scott Scodgress
  • C Raywilly Gomez
  • OF D’Arby Myers
  • C Anthony Bemboom
  • OF Exicardo Cayones
  • OF Riley Good
  • OF Mike Fish
  • OF Ranyelmy Mendoza
  • RHP Arjenis Fernandez
  • RHP Ausin Robichaux
  • C Wade Wass
  • 1B Fran Whitten
  • 3B R.J. Santigate
  • OF Natanael Delgado
  • OF Bo Way
  • C Eason Spivey
  • OF Ayendy Perez
  • RHP Lianmy Galan
  • RHP Raymundo Gonzalez
  • RHP Crusito Mueses
  • LHP Junior Pimentel
  • LHP Shakiro Pena
  • LHP Engerberg Rosales
  • LHP Delfo Terrero
  • C Keinner Pina
  • 2B Goldny Mills
  • SS Darlyn Mota
  • OF Junior Pedie
  • OF Stevens Garcia
  • OF Argenis Diaz
  • OF Miguel Tejada

Three Bold Predictions

  1. After a rough April at the plate, Kole Calhoun loses his starting job to Colin Cowgill. Discouraged, he quits baseball and decides to create an unauthorized spin-off to the FX series, Louie, starring himself. It will be called Kole.
  2. Josh Hamilton’s struggles continue, except during the Angels’ May series against the Orioles in Baltimore, when Hamilton will rediscover his 2012 magic and hit 12 home runs during the three-game series.
  3. Mike Trout hits so unfathomably well during interleague play that the BBWAA decides to just give him the National League MVP also.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Cleveland Indians

Screen Shot 2015-02-19 at 1.43.09 PM

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: My Caleb Horn

1B: Knee Cuz Wisher

LF: My Caleb Errantly

3B: Kyle Lohse Antenna

C: On Gnomes

2B: J. Sunk Hip Knees

1B: Brain Dead Moose

DH: Lawn Niche His And All

SS: France Disco Indoor

SP: Corniche Lube Her

SP: Car Locker Ask Hoe

SP: Tee Rev Her Bee Hour

SP: Teach A Oust

SP: Denice Ala Czar

Off-season Haiku

Gavin Floyd, Bruce Chen,

Stole Brandon Moss from Oakland,

And that’s about it!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Lonnie Chisenhall off Matt Shoemaker – 446 feet

You gotta love the defeated “aw man” kick of the dust from Shoemaker here. Unfortunately, the camera guy kinda sorta totally screwed up this shot, so it’s hard to tell where exactly the ball initially landed, but anywhere near the back of that bullpen is pretty insane.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Jose Ramirez off Brandon McCarthy – 338 feet

This was Jose Ramirez’s first career home run. I’m pretty sure Younger Ichiro could have scaled the wall there and made the catch.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Jeff Manship
  • RHP Enosil Tejeda
  • OF Destin Hood
  • RHP Duke von Schamann
  • RHP Grant Sides
  • RHP Michael Peoples
  • 3B Yandy Riaz
  • 3B Yhoxian Medina
  • OF Torsten Boss
  • LHP Wander Beras
  • RHP Dace Kime
  • C Sicnarf Loopstok
  • OF Dorssys Paulino
  • OF Mike Papi
  • RHP J.P. Feyereisen
  • RHP Kieran Lovegrove <3
  • 2B Ordomar Valdez
  • OF David Armendariz
  • OF D’vone McClure
  • RHP Argenis Angulo
  • RHP Yoiber Marquina
  • LHP Justus Sheffield
  • 3B Grofi Cruz
  • OF Silento Sayles
  • OF Jodd Carter
  • RHP Rainer Florez
  • RHP Alejandro Izaguirre
  • RHP Bijelic Mena
  • RHP Felix Tati
  • RHP Rodolfo Villasmil
  • 3B Erlin Cerda
  • 2B Hazent Torrealba
  • SS Jorma Rodriguez
  • 3B Efrin Ortega
  • OF Junior Soto
  • OF Yosmar Mujica

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Under heavy fire for their mascot and name, the Indians sign Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel, the pitchers from Million Dollar Arm. The press release simply reads, “You happy now?”
  2. Carlos Santana and Carlos Santana pee in the same fountain and undergo a Freaky Friday situation with each other. Musician Carlos Santana inside the body of baseball player Carlos Santana struggles mightily throughout the season while baseball player Carlos Santana inside the body of musician Carlos Santana bombs a series of live performances. The two eventually switch back during Game 7 of the World Series before the national anthem and all is well.
  3. In order to make sure that his achievement last season never fades away, Corey Kluber legally changes his name to “Cy Young Award Winner Corey Kluber.”

 

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Boston Red Sox

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Projected Lineup

CF: Moo Kibbutz

2B: Dust Hen Bed Royal

DH: Day Or Tease

LF: Handily Ram Ears

3B: Paw Blows Hand Oval

RF: Rue Sneaker Steeler

1B: My Canapé Holy

SS: Chan Turbo Guards

C: Cries Tin Vast Quiz

SP: Rich Porn Seller

SP: Way Deem Highly

SP: Gray Butt Holes

SP: Trust Inmates Or Sons

SP: Joke Heli

Off-season Haiku

Hanley and Pablo,

Traded our hero away?

They might regret that.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
David Ortiz off Masahiro Tanaka – 482 feet

This was the 3rd farthest home run of 2014, and possibly the only home run I can ever remember being hit to that spot. Tanaka is really good, but he’s dinger-prone for sure.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
David Ortiz off Brad Peacock – 318 feet

So dumb.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Keith Couch
  • RHP Dalier Hinojosa
  • RHP Noe Ramirez
  • OF Blake Tekotte
  • OF Jonathan Roof
  • RHP Heri Quevedo
  • SS Dreily Guerrero
  • 1B Jantzen Witte
  • RHP Teddy Stankiewicz
  • RHP German Taveras
  • C Jordan Procyshen
  • C Joseph Winterburn
  • 2B Wendell Rijo
  • OF Forrestt Allday
  • OF Danny Mars
  • OF Kendrick Perkins
  • OF Enfember Martinez
  • LHP Williams Jerez
  • RHP Kuehl McEachern
  • RHP Disocar Romero
  • C Alixon Suarez
  • 2B Deiner Lopez
  • 1B Cisco Tellez
  • 3B Aneudis Peralta
  • LHP Dedgar Jimenez
  • RHP Yankory Pimentel
  • RHP Yeferson Ardiles
  • LHP Darwinzon Hernandez
  • RHP Shair Lacrus
  • RHP Ritzi Mendoza
  • RHP Hildemaro Requena
  • LHP Jervis Torrealba
  • C Roldani Baldwin
  • 1B Gerardo Carrizalez
  • OF Raiwinson Lameda

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Dustin Pedroia makes his walk up song “LaChaim” from Fiddler on the Roof. It’s deemed a tribute from the Laser Show to the Lazar Wolf.
  2. In only his first year at the position, Hanley Ramirez becomes the greatest defensive left fielder Fenway Park has ever seen. By July, he’s pulling these magical moves off on a regular basis.
  3. After trading away Yoenis Cespedes to Detroit, the Red Sox don’t win another World Series for the next 86 years. The historic dry spell eventually becomes known as the Curse of the BBQ.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Arizona Diamondbacks

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Projected Lineup

CF: Aged Potluck

3B: Arrow Nail

1B: Bull Cold Shipped

LF: March Rambo

RF: Ass Money Dome Ass

SS: Cry Sewings

2B: Clip Ending Town

C: Tough Ego Switch

SP: Chair Me Licks Own

SP: Tremor Kale

SP: Vital Noon Yo

SP: Jay Sanderson

SP: Are Sheep Rally

Off-season Haiku

Hellickson is here?

Plus, Yas-many Yas-problems.

Where’d all the grit go?

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Paul Goldschmidt off Troy Patton – 470 feet

This was the tied for the 6th longest dinger in all of baseball in 2014. Aesthetically, homers to center at Chase Field are both hurt and helped by the giant scoreboard; it seems ridiculous that anyone could hit it up there, but it’s also impossible to judge how far the ball would have gone relative to a normal center field fence. Either way, this one from Goldschmidt is pretty comfortably in the holy crap range.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Paul Goldschmidt off Tim Lincecum – 340 feet

This was Goldy’s seventh home run off Lincecum in his career, which is patently absurd. Jeff Sullivan wrote a great piece about this lopsided match-up last April.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Caleb Clay
  • OF Nick Buss
  • RHP R.J. Hively
  • 2B Gerson Montilla
  • OF Carlo Testa
  • LHP Jose Jose
  • RHP Johnny Shuttlesworth
  • C Jose Queliz
  • OF Breland Almadova
  • OF Socrates Brito
  • RHP Silvino Bracho
  • RHP Bud Jeter
  • RHP Nickolas Sarianides
  • 3B Fidel Pena
  • OF Chuck Taylor
  • C Stryker Trahan
  • SS Steve Nyisztor
  • 3B Galli Cribbs
  • OF Stewart Ijames
  • RHP Yefrey Ramirez
  • RHP Jency Solis
  • RHP Touki Toussaint
  • 2B Fernery Ozuna
  • 2B Antonio Sepulveda
  • OF Maik Ehmcke
  • LHP Anfernee Benitez
  • RHP Holden Helmink
  • RHP Merkis Montero
  • RHP Scooter Price
  • RHP Rodrigo Takahashi
  • 3B Vicson Graciano
  • SS Isan Diaz
  • RHP Wellinton Felix
  • RHP Erbert Gonzalez
  • RHP Argeny Hiciano
  • RHP Yeison Santana
  • C Jacer Mendez
  • C Adony Ovalles
  • 2B Didimo Bracho
  • 2B Josue Herrera
  • 1B Gerson Jimenez
  • SS Melvin Mezquita

Three Bold Predictions

  1. After battling it out all spring with [whoever Arizona’s other catcher is…] Tuffy Gosewisch seizes the starting job and proves he’s not just a guy named Tuffy Gosewisch. He’s so much more. He hits 54 home runs, matching his career total to this point.
  2. Bronson Arroyo returns from Tommy John Surgery faster than anyone in history when he decides he’s just gonna be a left-handed pitcher instead.
  3. With the #1 pick in the 2015 MLB Draft, the Diamondbacks select GRITS, the Christian rap group.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Chicago Cubs

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: Text Turf Owl

SS: Stir Link Ass Troll

1B: Anne Toner Is Hoe

RF: Whore Hazer Lair

C: McElm Aunt Terror

3B: Cur Surprise Ant

2B: Coffee Arab Eyes

LF: Harry Cement He Elk Hand Torah

SP: Jawless Turd

SP: Shea Carry Header

SP: Shea Sean Mammal

SP: Caulk N. Drinks

SP: Soup Yoshi Water

Off-season Haiku

The World Series champs!

Step aside, Sir Barry Bonds;

Kris Bryant is here.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Anthony Rizzo off Ryan Vogelsong – 466 feet

Besides Colby Rasmus, no one crowds the plate quite like Anthony Rizzo. Vogelsong tried to run a change-up away from Rizzo here and just nope nope nope shouldn’t have done that.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Luis Valbuena off Billy Buckner – 345 feet

This was the only game Billy Buckner pitched in last year.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Yoanner Negrin
  • RHP Donn Roach
  • RHP Trey McNutt
  • 2B Stephen Bruno
  • LHP Rob Zastryzny
  • 2B Gioskar Amaya
  • OF Bijan Rademacher
  • RHP Daury Torrez
  • C Cael Brockmeyer
  • 2B Chesny Young
  • 3B Jeimer Candelario
  • OF Yasiel Balaguert
  • SS Gleyber Torres
  • OF Charcer Burks
  • RHP Adbert Alzolay
  • LHP Andin Diaz
  • RHP Greyfer Eregua
  • 3B Varonex Cuevas
  • OF Eloy Jimenez
  • OF Shamil Ubiera
  • 3B Adonis Paula
  • RHP Assael Aquino
  • RHP Erling M0reno
  • RHP Andri Rondon
  • RHP Aneuris Rosario
  • RHP Deibi Torres
  • C Martin Hodwalker
  • SS Frandy Delarosa
  • OF Jenner Emeterio
  • RHP Harrinson Bermudez
  • RHP Alfredo Colorado
  • LHP Yapson Gomez
  • LHP Eugenio Palma
  • RHP Mauro Vides
  • C Roberto Vahlis
  • 3B Wladimir Galindo
  • SS Andruw Monasterio
  • 2B Henrry Pedra
  • OF Moises Colasante
  • OF Fidel Matos

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Javier Baez is sent back to Triple-A after he begins swinging at pitches when he isn’t even batting, endangering his teammates in the dugout.
  2. Jon Lester collects his first career base hit on Opening Night against St. Louis, demolishing a 102 MPH Trevor Rosenthal fastball onto Waveland Avenue for the vaunted walk-off dinger-complete game shutout combo. It will be his only hit of 2015.
  3. After realizing they are out of the playoff hunt come August, the Cubs keep their World Series hopes alive by attempting to compete in the Little League World Series. Despite a six home run game from Tommy La Stella and a dominating performance on the mound from Travis Wood, they lose to Jackie Robinson West in the regional championship on a walk-off wild pitch from Pedro Strop.

Episode 55: ROOGYs, LOOGYs, and TWOGIEs

 

Welcome to Barbecast 55! Our special guest this week (at 13:32) is MLB dot com beat writer for the San Diego Padres, Corey Brock! Corey, like many of us, has been rather exhausted by the typhoon of Padres transactions over the last two months. We talked about how the Padres went from That Team Everyone Forgets About to whatever the hell they are now. Topics included:

  • The enigma that is AJ Preller
  • What the Padres could still do with their 73 outfielders
  • What happened to Everth Cabrera?
  • ODRISAMER DESPAIGNE!!!
  • Young Felix Hernandez
  • Barry Bonds’ 755th career home run off Clay Hensley

…and more! It was a fun conversation and we’re looking forward to actually watching some Padres games this year. After we talked to Corey (at 1:00:20), we proceeded with yet another B-Ref Battle Bonanza with an appropriately romantic name, a name that is almost Michigan, and one of the greatest NCAA basketball coaches of all time. After B-Ref (at 1:23:10), Tales from Logdog with Lana Berry covered some of the worst lies Lana has told in her past. We concluded this week’s show with an intense discussion about former Padres reliever Scott Linebrink and an almost exciting Varsity Baseball Update. Thanks for listening <3

Musical guest: Vanessa

Please rate and review us on iTunes! We’d really appreciate it!

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2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Atlanta Braves

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

RF: Knee Kumar Khakis

CF: Beach Uptown

1B: Free Die Free Mine

3B: Wrist Dongs On

LF: Journey Germs

SS: Handrail Towns Samoans

2B: Al Burr Coca Lasso

C: Christ Tanned, Bet In Court

SP: Who Load Iran

SP: Micah Manor

SP: Helix Would

SP: Chill Beam Elk Hurt

SP: One Dear Hog Reese’s

Off-season Haiku

Made a bunch of trades,

Completely restocked the farm,

But why? Why now? #BARVES

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Justin Upton off Jenrry Mejia – 477 feet

“uh oh”

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Evan Gattis off Cliff Lee – 343 feet

This is exactly the kind of home run Evan Gattis will continue to enjoy now that he plays in Minute Maid Park. This dinger also features the essential aspect of a Bad Home Run: the awkward pause as the batter rounds second base as if to say, “wait…was that a home run?”

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Sugar Ray Marimon
  • LHP Leyson Septimo
  • RHP Kanekoa Texeira
  • OF Kyeong Kang
  • C Braeden Schlehuber
  • 2B Barrett Kleinknecht
  • OF Mycal Jones
  • C Yenier Bello
  • SS Emerson Landoni
  • OF Mallex Smith
  • C Sal Giardina
  • 2B Gerald Chin
  • RHP Ignacio Geronimo
  • LHP Oriel Caicedo
  • SS Ozhaino Albies
  • 1B Mike Dodig
  • 2B Yeudi Grullon
  • 2B Omar Obregon
  • OF Fernelys Sanchez
  • RHP Caleb Beech
  • RHP Dakota Dill
  • LHP Felix Falcon
  • RHP Reymi Ruiz
  • RHP Aldo Silva
  • SS Ray-Patrick Didder
  • 3B Franklin Azuaje
  • RHP Jesus Jones
  • RHP Jason Laguna
  • RHP Evertz Orozco
  • RHP Yeralf Torres
  • C Ruddy Todd
  • 3B Jeyson Cabrera
  • 2B Mattia Mercuri
  • OF Ledernin Tejada
  • OF Reangelo Willems

Three Bold Predictions

  • This is the year Jason Heyward finally puts it all together and finishes that awesome mansion he’s been building in Cobb County.
  • DFA’d halfway through the season after his horrid hitting continues, B.J. Upton reunites with his stupendously successful sister and signs a 5-year advertising contract with Game of War.
  • Braves finally agree to refer to Barry Bonds as “The True Home Run King.” As a result, the skies open, fire rains down upon the people of earth, and the apocalypse commences.