After their first major baseball-related announcement, the Royals will decide to take another route right before the trade deadline. Word will get out that they have a minor football-related announcement. They will trade Billy Butler to the Kansas City Chiefs for whoever is on the Kansas City Chiefs. Dante Hall? Is he still on the Kansas City Chiefs? The Royals will trade Billy Butler for Dante Hall.
Eric Hosmer will finally become the magical unicorn that Royals fans have been hoping for. That is, until the fans realize that unicorns struggle to play baseball. The Royals will release Eric Hosmer because he will be a unicorn. Science will sign unicorn-Eric Hosmer to long-term deal.
In a tragic twist of fate that shocks the entire baseball universe, Jose Altuve experiences a growth spurt at the age of 23 and grows a full foot over the course of the season.
Lance Berkman disguises himself as a Venezuelan minor leaguer named Ylance Beracmando and slugs .893 before his costume falls off in mid-August.
Matt Dominguez tests positive for PED’s, but claims his positive test was caused by the new breakfast waffle at Taco Bell. After brief deliberation, Bud Selig revokes the 50 game suspension and commends Dominguez for always living mas.
Frustrated with his team’s lackluster play during the first half of September, Jeff Luhnow calls up himself, Kevin Goldstein, Mike Elias, Mike Fast, and Colin Wyers. Wyers gets on base at a 40% clip, but his base-clogging status soon relegates him to the bench.
Jason Castro switches places with American Idol contestant Jason Castro. The Astros are instantly confronted by a lack of catching depth, but an abundance of horrible smelly dreadlocks.
Chris Resop is a 31-year-old right-handed reliever. Since 2005, he’s pitched for the Marlins, Angels, Braves, Pirates, and A’s. He has a 4.62 ERA in 243.1 career innings. His career bWAR is 0.2. Chris Resop is unremarkable.
Or is he?
As some of you may know, I am quite fond of ridiculously lopsided batter-pitcher match-ups. The match-up that everyone’s been freaking out about lately is Paul Goldschmidt vs. Tim Lincecum, and rightfully so. It’s completely ridiculous. Anyway, I was recently checking out Starlin Castro’s most lopsided match-ups. Sure enough, there was Resop. Castro is 6-8 with three home runs, zero walks, zero strikeouts, and one hit-by-pitch against Mr. Resop. Interesting! Sorta. Using our buddy Daren Willman‘s amazing Media tab on Chris Resop’s player page over on baseballsavant.com, I went back and found video of the three dingers he gave up to Starlin.
Wait. What? I went looking for these videos in search of a pattern; maybe a pattern of pitch location, or pitch type. What I found was something far more fascinating. I have documented before how spectacular pitchers’ reactions are to giving up home runs, especially when the home run hitter is Barry Bonds. These three simple screenshots led me to the obvious question that thousands before me have surely asked: does Chris Resop grab his crotch after every home run he allows?
I returned to Chris Resop’s baseballsavant page in search of answers. The Media tab on baseballsavant player pages provides video of every play the player was involved in, as tagged by MLB Advanced Media. I decided to watch every home run that Chris Resop has ever allowed (or at least, the ones provided by MLB) and see what I found. The results:
Welcome to Episode 33 of the undisputed home run king of all podcasts. This episode is a bit shorter than usual, but that’s okay. We’re all busy people. Our special guest this week is far and away the youngest gust we’ve ever had. His name is David Shemie and he is already cooler than Chris Cotillo. Shemie is a 13-year-old Montreal native who attended the two exhibition games at Olympic Stadium during Spring Training. We talked to him about that, as well as what it’s like being the smartest 13-year-old baseball fan in his entire city (probably). Instead of doing a full e-mail segment, we talked about the tallest and heaviest players at every position and debated which team was better, Team Fat or Team Tall. Our b-ref battle was top-notch, as we both came very prepared for the first time in a while. In the spirit of Passover, Tales from Logdog with Lana Berry covered what foods Lana has given up during her brief time here on Earth. Jake’s Varsity Baseball Update had very little to do with baseball and much more to do with RALLY CHEESE #RallyCheese. Thanks for listening <3
Our musical guest is apparently a random selection of Jake’s music.
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With the recent anniversary of Hank Aaron’s milestone home run, a lot has been made about who the REAL home run king is. Obviously it’s Barry Bonds. However, not everyone agrees. I traveled to the Internet abyss in search of answers. These were my results.
Barbecast 32 is here! Our special guest this week is Daren Willman. You probably know him as @darenw on the Tweeterz, but what you should know him as the genius behind baseballsavant.com and mlbfarm.com, your two new favorite time-wasters. We talked to Daren about how HE DOES THIS FOR FUN and what the new fun stuff released by MLB Advanced Media could mean for his sites. Seriously though, Daren is awesome and this interview should make that very apparent. Our b-ref battle was the reason for this episode’s title, as Jake and I happened to choose the exact same player for only the third time in the segment’s history. Tales from Logdog with Lana Berry included all three of us being completely incompetent and we apologize for that. Our e-mails were stellar, and our two favorites came through BIG TIME with some incredibly insightful messages. Our musical guest is the theme song from Jimmy Neutron. Don’t question it. Thanks for listening <3
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During their final series of the year, long after being eliminated from playoff contention, the Angels bullpen will fail to record any outs. After a decent, 7-inning outing from C.J. Wilson, the bullpen will come in and give up 173 runs until the umpires tell them to “stop trying” after giving up their 12th home run of the game to John Buck, who will be batting left-handed at that point.
Now given the opportunity to destroy the Rangers’ soul at least 19 times a year, David Freese will hit at least one walk-off home run off every single Texas reliever. Each home run will force a Game 7, and Joe Buck will see you tomorrow night.
Mike Trout will fly to Afghanistan for a USO event to support the troops. An inconveniently informed baseball fan will accuse him of “loving WAR” and “promoting WAR more than anyone else in baseball history”. It’ll be like, sooooo awkward.
Using a portion of his gargantuan contract, Albert Pujols will replace the base paths at Angel Stadium with fluffy carpet to help ease the eternal pain in his feet.
During the All-Star Break, Josh Hamilton will be eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. Across the room, he will see a tray of food being delivered to a table of innocent dinner guests. What’s on the tray? Sliders. He won’t be able to control himself. He will immediately go into a fit of discomfort, wildly swinging his breadsticks in every direction until the sliders are gone and he can go home. Just another sad night out for Josh
Pokemon and baseball have a lot in common. Both involve pure athleticism. Both involve an end goal of “catching them all.” But the most important thing these two staples of American society share are absurd names. Take your best shot and see if you can guess which of these names are Pokemon and which of these names are actual Minor League baseball players.
In the middle of the 5th inning during the June 17th game against Toronto, a little boy named Jose will be running back to his seat at Yankee Stadium with cotton candy that he will have just bought with his parents’ money. He will look ecstatic. He will be so happy. He loves cotton candy. Brian McCann won’t have ANY of that. He will call for time, run into the seats, take that cotton candy away from the innocent child and scream “RESPECT THE GAME”.