Happy Darvish Day ! (Start #6)

Tonight, Yu Darvish will face the Chicago White Sox. To celebrate, here are three Japanese umpires getting way too excited about Darvish strikeouts.

Umpires – They’re Just Like Us !

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The Giancarlo Stanton Injury: A Tragedy In 21 Screenshots

1

The Calm Before the Storm (of Sadness)

Outfielder Giancarlo Stanton is the only thing left worth watching on the dumpster fire that is the Miami Marlins. He has arguably the best raw power in the history of baseball and he’s a marvel to watch do anything, whether it be playing baseball or simply existing on the same planet as us mortals. After a long home run drought to start the season, Stanton finally broke out over the weekend with three bombs, one of which traveled to another dimension.

On the night of April 29th, hearts were shattered across the baseball universe.

***

2

Here’s the situation: The Marlins of Miami are facing the Mets of New York. After a fierce pitching duel between two upcoming stars, the two teams battle it out on their way to extra innings in front of approximately 127 fans at the BEAUTIFUL BRAND NEW MARLINS BALLPARK. Stanton is facing Mets cLOLser Bobby Parnell with one out and a runner on first. Parnell throws a slider in an 0-1 count, and Stanton chops it right in front of home plate. The Marlins “fans” behind home plate look absolutely exhilarated.

3

Stanton takes off for first base. We’re used to seeing this monster hit the ball 440 feet, not 4.4 feet. His 6″6, 240 pound frame rumbles down the line. He actually looks like he might make it. A swinging bunt hit for Giancarlo? Sure, why not.

4

Mets catcher/potential NL MVP John Buck throws down to first, and Stanton is out. It’s close, but the ball is clearly there in time.

5

Oh no. The Beast clutches his right thigh. The Marlins first base coach remains intensely focused on first base for no reason. The umpire is admiring Ike Davis’ backside.

6

The collapse begins. Stanton begins his horrifying descent towards the demoralizing grass of Marlins Park. The first base coach has still yet to notice, as he turns his attention to the umpire who is still perplexed by Ike Davis’ physical features.

7

Man down. The giant lays motionless aside the foul line; his right leg upward as if to signal for help. There is no one in sight. The one Marlin fan that was watching gasps. An eerie echo is heard throughout the cavernous stadium.

8

Millions of souls across the nation clutch their keyboards, eager to see a sign of life from our wounded hero.

9

Alas, a moment of humanity. Giancarlo, head and helmet in hands, ponders what just happened.

10

Slowly but surely, Stanton, still under his own power, manages to get up on his knees.

11

He Is Risen.

12

An unidentified Marlins coach (I think?) imitates the world.

13

The broadcast decides that they haven’t tortured our souls enough. They cut to this slow-mo shot from the perspective of the right field foul pole.

14

“ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

15

“OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD”

16

“I HAVE TO PEE SO BADLY”

17

“I JUST CAN’T” *falls*

18

“haha I remember Slip ‘n Slides”

19

“BUT MY HAMSTRING UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

20

“there is………….no………….hope.” *smashes distraught fist into ground*

21

“why just why”

***

After the game, Giancarlo Stanton was placed on the 15-day disabled list with a strained hamstring. He should be fine.

(If you want to watch what actually happened, click here.)

(If you only have 10 seconds to watch what actually happened, click here.)

These Cleats Are Made For Walking: Update Número Dos

We’re about a month into the season now, and it’s Monday morning. So let’s check in again.

Through a total of 688 plate appearances and 193 games played, Welington Castillo, Rajai Davis, Jeff Keppinger, Endy Chavez, A.J. Pollock, Salvador Perez, Andres Torres, Juan Pierre, Rick Ankiel and Luis Cruz have combined for a mind-numbingly awful SEVEN WALKS. 

See ya in a week.

Who Is Bo Jackson?

Who Is This Man?

A man hunched over at the waist. Hands clasped on his knees as a single light shines through his chiseled frame. A battle-worn face presents itself. But who, oh who, is this man?

 I Am Bo Jackson

Okay so apparently that’s Bo Jackson. That’s progress. We know his name, but do we really know him? What kind of person is this? What makes him tick? Who is Bo Jackson?

What Sports Does Bo Jackson Play?

Bo Jackson seems to be an athlete so we should figure out what sports he plays. We can eliminate hockey, tennis, and chess (slightly racist). That leaves basketball, baseball, football, and cricket. Let’s go to the tape.

Well it seems to be a football that he rubs in his armpit so that’s sport number one. Is that a cricket whacker or a baseball slapper? Indiscernible. We’ll go with Cricket.

Will He Let Me Borrow A Hat?

My head is cold and I would like a hat, but I don’t have one. Hey Bo Jackson do you have a hat I could borrow?

That’s very kind of you, Bo Jackson. Thanks!

What IS Bo Jackson?

I’m pretty sure he’s saying “I am a husband and I am a farmer”. What is he farming? Oats? Cows? Organs? Is Bo Jackson an organ farmer? Is he an organ farmer or an Oregon farmer?

Has Bo Jackson Been Successful In Life?

Clearly a fine collection of Bo’s farming trophies. He also seems to store his farming trophies (what is a farming trophy?) in a nice conference room with at least three swivel chairs. That’s success if I ever saw it.

Did Bo Jackson Just Soil Himself?

Bo. Did you wee wee?

Bo wee weed. 

Bad Baseball Pun of the Day: R.A. Dickey Is Not Magical Anymore :(

This is a .gif of R.A. Dickey giving up a home run to Brennan Boesch. Brennan Boesch is terrible at major league baseball. R.A. Dickey is supposed to be not terrible at major league baseball. What happened ?

Now he’s just somebody traded for d’Arnaud.

(I’ll be here all week)

.gifs From Last Night: Silly Mike Baxter

Mets-Phillies

  • Good thing the Mets have two other all-star level outfielders to make up for plays like this…
  • To be fair, if there was a giant rawhide sphere barreling through the air in my direction, I would get the hell out of the way too.
  • That’s a lot of advertising concentrated in one specific corner of Citi Field. I count 5. Do you?
  • I like how Baxter turns and is briefly immersed in the possibilities of freecreditscore.com before he realizes the ball is about to drop.
  • It also looks like baseball Jesus just dropped the ball out of the sky because the trajectory of the ball looks like something from Angels in the Outfield.
  • Is that trash on the warning track? Get your shit together, Citi Field.