Head & Shoulders Above Realistic Baseball

Last week, I examined the majestic Microsoft tablet commercial that featured two of the most confused baseball scouts you could ever possibly dream up, as well as two general managers that love imaginary statistics. You can read my #analysis of that brilliant masterpiece by clicking here.

There’s another baseball inspired commercial that’s rather well known around the interwebz and that is the Head & Shoulders commercial starring The The Angels Angels of Anaheim’s two overpaid superstars: Straight-edge lefty C.J. Wilson and The Second Coming of Christ, Josh Hamilton.

I’ll admit, this one isn’t nearly as bad as the Microsoft one. This commercial is also only about 15 seconds so there wasn’t as much time for things to go horribly wrong. But it’s almost as fun to over-analyze so I’m gonna go ahead and do that. Here’s the commercial:

Frame by frame. LET’S DO THIS.

1

Spectacular opening. Our two demigods gracefully enter the shot with glorious heads of hair. There is an extremely derpy teammate in the background who is wearing number 13. There is no number 13 on the Angels, and definitely no one that looks like that…okay maybe if someone shrunk Jered Weaver and punched him in the face. This could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure lockers in the clubhouse are alphabetical. Clearly they attempted to portray this by placing a mysterious “White” to the left of Wilson…but they also went ahead and squeezed Josh Hamilton’s locker right between them. Simply reprehensible. Also keep in mind that this is clearly THE ANGELS’ CLUBHOUSE.

2

Hamilton continues to stare at us. Wilson explains that Head & Shoulders and Old Spice are now together. IN THE SAME BOTTLE. C.J, is also clearly winking at someone attractive to his left. I am 100% sure it’s Mike Trout. If you look behind Hamilton, we see another clear bottle of Head & Shoulders in Wilson’s locker. Did C.J. just STEAL Josh’s bottle?!? Does C.J. have 2bottles? Just not sure why they felt the need to product place another bottle of the same thing when Mr. Wilson is clearly showing us the bottle and then

3

BAM. Super HD close up of the bottle. C.J. seems to have placed it down in someone else’s locker that only consists of 2towels, a helmet, and some wristbands. It’s almost definitely either the first or third base coach’s locker. Not sure why Dino Ebel or Alfredo Griffin needs a bottle of Head & Shoulders but whatever.

4

Hamilton emerges from the dugout without his hat because duh. Derpy midget Not Jered Weaver hustles out to his mysterious position. Josh tells us that this mystical shampoo allows him to be 100% flake-free which is clearly helping his plate discipline. An unknown member of the Angels bench is checking Not Jered Weaver’s ass.

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Ryan Braun’s Actual Apology Letter

Earlier today CFB did some digging into the Ryan Braun scandal. Here is the original first draft we found in Braun’s apartment. 

Dear Mom Fellow Players The World,

I am really really sorry for what I did. I know it was wrong for me to take durgs. PED’s aren’t just the first three letters in the word pedophile, they are bad durgs that are awesome harmful to the human body.

To all the hot girls kids: I’m sorry I let you down. The world should be a place where kids can trust the players they look up to and I am sorry that I fucked messed that up for you.

To my teammates: Thanks for stabbing me in the back sticking by my side when things got rough. It’s good to know that I always have a great bed clubhouse to fall back on.

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Benching In Baseball

Yasiel Puig got benched the other day for being late to the ballpark. His coach sat him down for “the good of the team.” The Twittersphere is up in arms about how Puig’s benching was a pointless act that hurt the Doyers. I disagree. Benching players is an important part of the game because it has always been this way so of course it’s right. Duh. If I was the manager of every major league baseball team, there would be a number of players I would bench.

Yadier Molina

  • You’re always messing around during the game. Why are you the only player sitting down while all the other ones are standing up like adults? YOU’VE BEEN:

Hanley Ramirez

  • You accidentally nonchalantly kicked a baseball 5 years ago which is completely unacceptable. This isn’t soccer, bro. Get it together. YOU’VE BEEN:

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Baseball Pornstar Names

These are all real baseball players who should probably consider a career change.

Orioles: Sammie Starr, Zelous Wheeler, Kyler Newby

D-Backs: Taylor Sinclair, Bubu Garcia

Braves: Terry Tiffe, Ryne Harper, Navery Moore,  Alex Wood, Donovan Drake

Cubs: Ty’relle Harris, Blake Lalli, Junior Lake, Dallas Beeler, Trey McNutt, Taylor Scott

White Sox: Dallas McPherson, Trayce Thompson, Shane Lindsey, Courntney Hawkins

Reds: Brian Peacock, Corky Miller, Brodie Greene, Justice French

Indians: Justin Toole, Alexis Parades, Louis Head, Kieran Lovegrove,

Rockies: Tyler Johnson, Alex White, Royce Ring, Parker Frazier, Taylor Featherston