Author Archives: jakemintz

An Ode To Alfonso Soriano

by jakemintz

People always talk about players that are better in person. You’ve heard these quotes from your friends before:

“Man, you gotta see Puig in person.”

“Felix live is sick!”

“Watching Pedro Florimon hit changed my life.”

I never had that kind of experience seeing a player live until I went to Wrigley Field. I wasn’t blown away by speed, power, athleticism, or even grit. No sir. You see, what really struck me was how much fun Alfonso Soriano had with the game of baseball. So on that note, I wrote a little poem about my new favorite player.

Alfonso, Alfonso.

You arrived in this world so damn clean.

Pants always tight and pristine.

You’re not Aaron Hicks, but 1976, was when you emerged from your mothers vahin.

San Pedro De Macoris is your home.

You are better than Pedro Florimon.

Then you grew from a boy to a man

And spent two derpy years in Japan

In 06 you came to DC

And proceded to give the entire league an STD.

You, Bonds, Canseco, Oh Lordy

A-Rod, and a Mercer named Jordy.

Achieved such a feat, you danced to the beat, all but one of them have hit 40-40.

The time in DC ended shitty.

But you came up to the Windy City.

You picked up your bat, and you put on your hat, and you’re way better than Alex Liddi.

You never played for the Detroit Tigers.

You never played with Alex Meyer

Your swings make me cry, your socks are so high and only your spirits are higher.

You smile, you laugh, and you play.

You always take my breath away.

May you never retire, may your socks go up higher, to Alfonso a hip hip hooray.

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Pitching Backwards: Let’s Get Analytic

by jakemintz

Pitching genius and overall awesome dude Doug Thorburn is a writer for Baseball Prospectus. He knows things about pitching that astound the common mind. The dude is a boss and you should read all his stuff. And because we could never do what he does, we decided to analyze pitching in our own special CFB way. That’s how we started our new series: Pitching Backwards: Let’s Get Analytic. Hope you like it. 

Dan Jennings:

Jennings is a relatively underwhelming pitcher. He doesn’t throw particularly hard or have particularly great movement. He’s just a crafty lefty who can throw 90 mph. And like all crafty lefties, Jennings was looking for an edge.

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The Chevy “Strong” Commercial (CFB Remix)

by jakemintz

Everyone who watched the Home Run Derby experienced the longest commercial in the history of the world, courtesy of Chevy. It was painful and patriotic and had very little to do with Chevy, as usual. We decided to create our own version of this monstrosity. It might be even worse. It includes…

  • Bronson Arroyo
  • Old Ibanez
  • Dallas Latos
  • All the naked 1990’s shortstops
  • Jose Bautista
  • More Bronson 
  • Alfonso Soriano and his blue Hummer
  • Christ Davis working overtime
  • Bills are piling up (Billy Butler and Billy Hamilton)
  • Tough-E Gosewisch
  • Terry Francona
  • Buster and Timmy
  • Rock Shoulders
  • Raffy Palmeiro in court 
  • ALL THE SUNS
  • Brayan Pena goes down
  • Naked Giancarlo Stanton
  • More Bronson

Sorry/you’re welcome.

#CFB

All Star Break Record Breakers: Pitchers

by jakemintz

The baseball season is 6 months long. The baseball season is mostly during the summer. We call the All Star Game “The Mid-Summer’s Classic.” According to all of these points the All Star Game must be the halfway point of the baseball season.

There have been some great performances over the first half of the year, but what could happen in the second half is even more extraordinary. Check that, what will happen in the second half. You see, when a player has a certain amount of stats in the first half (and they usually do), you can always double that amount to find out what that player will have over the course of the year. Its a really good sabermetric strategy and it always always works. Here are a few pitchers who could will shatter records:

Mark Melancon

First Half Stat: 25 Holds

Will Finish The Year With: 50 Holds

Math Involved: 25 + 25 = 50

Significance: I bet you didn’t know the most holds in a season was Luke Gregerson with 40 all the way back in 2010. A record nobody thought would be broken and definitely a record that everyone should keep an eye on.

Kenley Jansen

First Half Stat: 94.9% Fastballs

Will Finish The Year With: 189.8% Fastballs

Math Involved: 94.9% + 94.9%

Significance: If you thought 100% was the limit, Kenley Jansen says you are wrong. He could shatter the previous record of 100% held by hundreds of players. This has the potential to be an unbelievable story later in the year.

David Carpenter

First Half Stat: 108.00 ERA

Will Finish The Year With: 216.00 ERA

Math Involved: (4/.1) + (4/.1)

Significance: Yeah yeah he might not qualify for the ERA title, but so what? If you ignore the innings qualification, the record for highest ERA in a season belongs to Joe Cleary of the 1945 Washington Senators with an astounding ERA of 189.00. Carpenter has a real chance to destroy that if once he pitches just as bad in the second half.

What Would I Have To Give Up To Trade For Matt Garza

by jakemintz

AP Photo

There have been a lot of questions regarding Matt Garza recently. Will he be traded? Where will he be traded? Will he ever pitch for the Cubs again? What in Lord’s name is growing on his chin? Does he enjoy vanilla pudding? What would a team have to give up to get Garza?

Let’s focus on the last question. Major league teams are probably going to offer a package of prospects for Garza. Prospects are awesome, but prospects are risky. Do you know what doesn’t have risk? Things lying around my house. It’s trading time.

Jake’s Trading Package #1: Shoes

Details: 11 pairs of shoes or 22 shoes depending on how the Cubs would be interested in utilizing said shoes.

Pros: I would be getting a pretty good number two pitcher who can lead my rotation.

Cons: I need shoes to go outside unless I want dirt all over my feet. Matt Garza doesn’t want to play with a guy who has dirt on his feet.

Decision Time: I’d make the trade. I have other shoes in the closet in my room.

Continue reading →

All Star Break Record Breakers: Hitters

by jakemintz

The baseball season is 6 months long. The baseball season is mostly during the summer. We call the All Star Game “The Mid-Summer’s Classic.” According to all of these points the All Star Game must be the halfway point of the baseball season.

There have been some great performances over the first half of the year, but what could happen in the second half is even more extraordinary. Check that, what will happen in the second half. You see, when a player has a certain amount of stats in the first half (and they usually do), you can always double that amount to find out what that player will have over the course of the year. Its a really good sabermetric strategy and it always always works. Here are a few hitters who could will shatter records:

Chris Davis

First Half Stat: 37 Home Runs

Will Finish The Year With: 74 Home Runs

Math Involved: Multiply by 2

Significance: Chris Davis will break the Home Run record set by Barry Bonds in 2001. A record that some thought would live forever. Hopefully he continues not to blink.

James Loney

First Half Stat: 96 games played

Will Finish The Year With: 192 games played

Math Involved: 96 + 96 = 192

Significance: The current record for most games played in a season is 165 set by Maury Wills in 1962. Loney is on pace to absolutely shatter that number. And you thought he had no value…

Miguel Cabrera

First Half Stat: .365 Batting Average

Will Finish The Year With: .730 Batting Average

Math Involved: (132/362) + (132/362)

Significance: No one has hit .400 since Ted Williams hit .401 in 1941. No one has hit .500, .600, or .700 since ever. The current record holder for the highest batting average in a season is Hugh Duffy, who hit .440 in 1894. Thats insane. And just think, Miggy will top that by at least 300 points. Spectacular.

Pitchers coming later.