This is what negative WAR looks like.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF Al X. Gorged On
2. SS All Seed Sex Crowbar
3. DH Bill Leeb Huddler
4. 3B Mic Moose Tacos
5. C Salve A Dorp Airs
6. 1B Air Kozma
7. RF Chief Rank Whore
8. CF Lauren Soak Ain
9. 2B Triscuits

ROTATION:

1. Shames Heels
2. Germ Eek Us Ree
3. Erv Insane Tan A
4. Weigh Dave Is
5. Lose Men Dozer

CLOSER: Grr Egg Hoe Land

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Ervin Santana.

Need I say more? He’s awful.

I miss Wil Myers.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Jeff Francoeur

•  Quite simply the worst everyday player in all of baseball in 2012, Francoeur combines horrendous plate discipline with equally bad defense (besides his absurd 880 grade arm) to create the ultimate weak spot for the RoyLOLs. Then consider that the only thing the Royals really needed coming into this season was a young, power-hitting right fielder to replace Frenchy. If only…………………….. :(

***

State of the Farm:

Wil Myers will be #missed because he was #good. But this system isn’t completely drained. Far from it, actually. It’s still loaded with low-level high ceilings and Bubba Freakin’ Starling. Bubba ain’t exactly the best baseball player (yet), but is probably the best athlete in the entire minor leagues. Top prospect Kyle Zimmer looks like he was in A Bugs Life and makes funny faces, but he’s got a hammer curveball paired with plus-plus velocity from an extremely clean delivery. Miguel Almonte has raised some eyebrows this spring, with an impressive arsenal at a very young age; he’s got a very similar body and array of pitches as #BARVES top prospect Julio Teheran. The name that everyone needs to know is Adalberto Mondesi. Already dubbed “The Next Profar” by multiple prospect enthusiasts, the son of former outfielder Raul Mondesi has off the charts instincts and a rapidly improving bat from both sides of the plate. He will start the year at Low-A Lexington, and won’t turn 18 until late July. Which is just stupid. Dayton Moore is still banking on “The Process”, and while the Wil Myers trade seems like a knee-jerk reaction in order to win a few extra games, it didn’t destroy this system by any means. Still plenty to watch here. ADALBERTO !

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Zebulon Sneed
• RHP Yerinson Tatis
• RHP Ysrael Abreu
• RHP Branly Crisostamo
• RHP Torey Deshazier
• RHP Bryan Brickhouse
• RHP Sugar Ray Marimon
• RHP Brooks Pounders
• LHP Yojensy Arias
• LHP Atahualpa Severino
• C Beau Maggi
• 1B Rainier Bello
• 1B Mark Threlkeld
• 2B Irving Falu
• 3B Nicholas Cuckovich
• 3B Yowill Espinal
• 3B Cheslor Cuthbert
• 3B Nick DelGuidice
• SS Adalberto Mondesi
• SS Jeckson Flores
• SS Orlando Calixte
• OF Brawlun Gomez
• OF Marsalis Holloway
• OF Bubba Starling

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Kyle Zimmer’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• GM Dayton Moore clarifies what he believes to be “The Process”, explains he is a part of The Process Church of The Final Judgment; he never had any intention to make the Royals a winning ballclub. 
• Billy Butler gets sick of his nickname “Country Breakfast”, becomes a freegan.
• Jeff Francoeur stops being so nice , returns to replacement level.
• Ervin Santana continues to give up ALL DA HOMERZ.

“Is this the Krusty Krab?”

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Add Meat On
2. 3B Mort In Prada
3. 2B: Arrow Nil
4. C Me Delmon Taro
5. 1B Ball Goal Shit
6. RF Jay Honk U. Bell
7. LF Code Ear Oz
8. SS Crypt Pen Nine Ton

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. E. And Ken A.D.
2. Bend Hand My Car Tee
3. Tremor Kale
4. Way Deem I. Lee
5. Pat-Ricker Bin

CLOSER: Gay Jape Puts

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Weirdest off-season.

Dumped Bauer for Didi. Sad.

What is Kevin Towers ?!

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee:  Cliff Pennington

• There’s nothing truly special about Cliff Pennington. He’s not a great hitter. He’s not an elite defender. He’s not a particularly valuable player at all, really. But boy does he look wholesome in this one particular photo. And at the end of the day, isn’t it all about the kids? 

***

State of the Farm:

This is a fun one. Even though they traded Trevor Bauer away and barely got anything prospect wise for Justin Upton, this crop still has some very exciting young talent. Tyler Skaggs is arguably the best LHP prospect in the game today, and should spend the majority of the 2013 season in Arizona’s rotation, armed with an above average fastball and one of the better curveballs in the minor leagues. Right behind him is Archie Bradley, a prototypical power right hander who sits in the mid 90’s and has a ridiculous breaking ball that will be shown below in .gif form. He had some command problems in his first full year of pro ball, but is primed to take a huge step forward in 2013 and could easily by a consensus Top 20 prospect by season’s end. Arizona took athletic catcher Stryker Trahan in the first round of the 2012 draft. Besides being named Stryker, he has some of the better raw power in the minors, and a chance to stick behind the plate. Did we mention his name is Stryker? Andrew Chafin is an intriguing lefty, with a potent fastball/slider combo that will probably end up in the bullpen. But the true gems of this system are found at the lowest levels…

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yoimer Camacho
• RHP Virgilio Encarnacion
• RHP Geordy Parra
• RHP Kable Hogben
• RHP Diogenes Rosario
• RHP Zeke Spruill
• LHP Anfernee Benitez
• DH Yogey Perez-Ramos
• C Stryker Trahan
• C Raywilly Gomez
• C Tyson Van Winkle
• C Roidany Aguila
• C Tuffy Gosewisch
• 1B Phildrick Llewellyn
• SS Didi Gregorius
• OF Socrates Brito
• OF Breland Almadova
• OF Yeisson Rosario

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Archie Bradley’s Curveball

BONUS .GIF

Archie Bradley’s Accidental Cutter ?!

***

Prediction:

• To compliment his overload of #grit, Kevin Towers trades Trevor Cahill for #grout to repair his bathtub.
• Arizona plays in the Civil Rights game and temporarily changes its name to the Diamondblacks.
• Paul Goldschmidt converts to Judaism after getting fed up answering to when asked if he’s Jewish.
• The Diamondbacks win baseball games, but not enough baseball games to be permitted to play baseball games in October.

Now That’s A Concerning Skin Disease

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. SS Jim Ear LOLings
2. 2B Jay Shut Lee
3. 3B My Keel Yang
4. 1B Rain Hard
5. LF Lance Knicks
6. RF Damn Nick Brown
7. CF Bend Ravier
8. C Erk Rats

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Cold Am Hells
2. Royal Day
3. Clip Flea
4. Kai Elk Hen Dick
5. Tron Landon

CLOSER: Joe Nathan Pap L. Bone

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Michael and Delmon.

Young at heart; suck at baseball.

They got Revere, though.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Delmon Young

• Remember Wario from Mario Kart? He’s like a white Delmon. What else… Delmon hates jews and is bad at throwing. I’m planning on taking his rookie card to the Western Wall. It’s not that we’re sad Delmon the person isn’t a very good person; it’s that Delmon the once uber prospect is one of the worst players in baseball. In his (Devil) Rays Top Ten list for 2007, Kevin Goldstein had this to say about Delmon’s future: “Pure hitting skills that are unparalleled in the minor leagues. Ultra-fast bat, plenty of raw strength and enormous plate coverage allow for projections of a .300+ average with 25-35 home runs annually. Not just a one-dimensional talent, Young is a tick-above-average runner and an excellent base stealer, as well as a good outfielder with an outstanding arm.” After 3575 career plate appearances, Delmon Young has been worth -0.3 WAR. Ugh. So awful.
  

***

State of the Farm: 

It’s a very odd system, having traded an absolute TON (Travis d’Arnaud, Kyle Drabek, Jarred Cosart, Jonathan Singleton and Domingo Santana) to get guys like Hunter Pence and Roy Halladay. But they’re not totally empty. They’ve got the closest thing to Billy Hamilton in shortstop Roman Quinn (even if he looks 14 years old in the picture above). He’s unlikely to stick at short, but the bat should play somewhere when he’s stealing 60+ bags a year. Carlos Tocci is a lanky outfielder to dream on mostly because holy crap he was born in August of 1995. Jesse Biddle is probably the top player in this system; he’s a lefty with a deep arsenal and 80 grade eyebrows. It’s not awful, but nothing to write home about. Just a bunch of future role 5 players.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yacksel Rios
• RHP Jesen Dygestile-Therrien
• RHP Ranfi Casimiro
• RHP Seranthony Dominguez
• RHP Masilis Valera
• RHP Ulises Joaquin
• LHP Ranger Suarez
• C Hiomarvic Colmenarez
• C Bob Stumpo
• 2B Alejandro Villalobos
• SS Malquin Canelo
• OF Jiandido Tromp

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Brody Colvin’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• Ryan Howard’s contract literally eats Ryan Howard.
• Roy Halladay finally gets his PHD and becomes an actual doc after his decrease in fastball velocity leads to a necessary career change.
• Delmon and Michael discover they’re actually related; move in together; become even worse.
• The PhiLOLies get a year older and a year closer to destruction, as they end up in third as the soggy meat patty in the NL East sandwich.

This is their superstar.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF Chore Danny Valdez Pin
2. 2B Dan Elmer Pee
3. 3B Dave Drite
4. 1B Hiked Avis
5. RF Luc Astuta
6. CF Mar Land Bird
7. C John Fuck
8. SS Boobin’ Jihad Ah

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Yawn A Than Knees
2. Dillingy
3. Mah Turvy
4. Germy Heifer
5. Shhh Unmark Em

CLOSER: Bob E. Porn Hell

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Worst outfield ever?

Sent Dickey to Blue Jays for

d’Arnaud, Syndergaard.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: The Entire Outfield

• The 2013 New York Mets outfield isn’t a lot of things. They aren’t proven, they aren’t that talented, and frankly they aren’t very good. Nieuwenhuis, Duda, & Baxter sounds more like a dermatology clinic than a major league outfield. But Nieuwenhuis can go get it in center, Duda has a fantastic beard, and Baxter is from Queens. It’s important to remember that these are all things that won’t make them any better at baseball.

***

State of the Farm:

•  The Mets certainly did well in the Dickey trade, acquiring arguably the top catching prospect in baseball in Travis d’Arnaud as well as hard throwing right hander/Master Race prototype Noah Syndergaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard. d’Arnaud projects to be average to plus in all facets of his game, and while he probably won’t put up the stupid numbers that he did at Triple-A Las Vegas (333/.380/.595), he should be a very good catcher for a long time, barring any more injuries. This system’s true strength is its abundance of hard throwing righties, lead by future ace Zack Wheeler. Stolen from the Giants for half a year of CarLOLs Beltran, Wheeler has three plus to plus-plus pitches (fastball, curveball, slider) with rapidly improving command. He’s one of the few pitchers in the minors that truly projects as a #1 starter. Then there’s Michael Fulmer, a huge righty who will pitch the entire 2013 season at age 20. He possesses plus-plus velocity to go along with a fairly fantastic slider. He’s probably destined for the bullpen, but Domingo Tapia throws crazy hard. 2011 first rounder Brandon Nimmo was born and raised in Wyoming. They literally don’t play high school baseball in Wyoming. Overall, this system is improved, but far from deep and really lacks any impact bats. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Edioglis Villasmil
• RHP Flabio Ortega
• RHP Randinson Suazo
• RHP Yrelvis Castillo
• RHP Bladimil Vallejo
• RHP Doxon Brochero
• RHP Nabil Crismatt
• RHP Jhonaiker Rodriguez
• RHP Wimbert Martinez
• RHP Rolgenis Blanco
• RHP Rainy Lara
• RHP Hansel Robles
• LHP Mark Cohoon
• C Nelfi Zapata
• C Xorge Carrillo
• 1B Jeyckol De Leon
• 2B Yeixon Ruiz
• 2B Yucarybert De La Cruz
• OF Wuilmer Becerra
• OF Ysidro Pierre
• OF Hengelbert Rojas

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Zack Wheeler’s Curveball

***

Prediction:

• Before you do anything else, please go look at those prospect names again. YUCARYBERT. 
• Ike Davis gets hungry and tries to eat the Big Apple in center after going yard.
• The Mets aren’t as bad as the Marlins, which says nothing at all about the quality of the Mets.
• Marlon Byrd gets a pet bird and names it Marlon; bird immediately becomes Mets fourth outfielder.

An Angel From Texas, An Angel From the Outfield, and An Angel From Heaven.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF Mic’d Rout
2. SS E. Rick Eye Bar
3. 1B All Bird Poo Holes
4. RF Joe “Shhh” Ham Ill Ton
5. DH Marked Rumba
6. 2B How? E. Ken Drick
7. 3B All Bird O’Kai Ass Poe
8. C Christ Ian. ETA?
9. CF Pete R. Bored Jizz

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Jarred Weevil
2. Siege Ay Will Zaun
3. Job Lantern
4. Jays On Vag Us
5. Tom E. Hands On

CLOSER: Ernie Stove Rear E.

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Here comes Hamilton,

Jesus. No plate discipline.

Vargas is boring.

***

Innards

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Jered Weaver

• Jered Weaver is very good at pitching. Jared Weaver is not very good at being a normal human being. Here is a picture of his mouth. Lots of room in there. His pitching motion itself skivvies me out a bit. While he might be the guy I want at the front of my rotation, he’s certainly not the guy I’m asking to babysit my kids… if I had kids. Here is a .gif of him freaking the hell out after getting injured: 

***

State of the Farm:

• The Angels have one good prospect named Kaleb Cowart who can’t even spell Caleb correctly. But the guy can seriously hit, and should stick at third base. They also have Professional Huge Person C.J. Cron, a bat only first baseman with plenty of raw power and equally as much swing and miss. After that, it’s like seventeen 4th starters and the guy they drafted one pick before Mike Trout. Blah. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Aaron Sookee
• RHP Orangel Arenas
• LHP Buddy Boshers
• DH Bladimir Aquino
• C Anthony Bemboom
• C Enyelber Vivas
• C Abel Baker
• C Jett Bandy
• SS Caleb Bushyhead
• OF Ranyelmy Mendoza
• OF J.B. Shuck

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

3B Kaleb Cowart’s Slider (as a junior in high school)

***

Predictions:

• Mike Trout doesn’t have one of the 25 greatest seasons of all time, like last year. Okay, he might. Actually, yeah, Mike Trout will probably have one of the 25 greatest seasons of all time. Again.
• Josh Hamilton watches Jason Vargas pitch; loses faith in God.
• Albert Pujols is traded to the Dodgers and signs a 10 year extension for $500 million dollars.
• Howie Kendrick contends for a batting title…