EPISODE OCHO has arrived and it is probably my favorite episode we’ve ever done. Our super special guest is Lana Berry. If you don’t know who that is then you aren’t reading this because you couldn’t possibly be on the Internet. You can follow Lana @lana but you already knew that. We talked for way too long about Lance Berkman, advice for college, and other baseball related nonsense #followlogdog. Our e-mail segment was longer than ever and we got some good ones. Topics included the Amish Red Sox (see below), Old Man Jake, annoying spelling rules and family Poop talk. Baseball talk was brief due to reasons explained during the podcast. Our musical guest is ALL OF THE IPHONE RINGTONES. No, seriously. Enjoy and thanks for listening <3
This past Saturday night, Heath Bell blew his seventh save of the season. His catastrophic outings have spawned #TheHeathBellExperience and the baseball internet just loves to bash him on a seemingly nightly basis. But what’s his side of the story?
Here is a brief journey into the mind of Heath Bell.
“Welp, another day, another four runs allowed. Might as well wear a questionable graphic t-shirt and take a selfie in an elevator”
“Really? You’ve got a two run lead with the heart of the order coming up and you’re bringing ME in? Hilarious.”
“haha I’m a baseball pitcher”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BASES ARE LOADED AND NOBODY’S OUT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
Last week, I examined the majestic Microsoft tablet commercial that featured two of the most confused baseball scouts you could ever possibly dream up, as well as two general managers that love imaginary statistics. You can read my #analysis of that brilliant masterpiece by clicking here.
There’s another baseball inspired commercial that’s rather well known around the interwebz and that is the Head & Shoulders commercial starring The The Angels Angels of Anaheim’s two overpaid superstars: Straight-edge lefty C.J. Wilson and The Second Coming of Christ, Josh Hamilton.
I’ll admit, this one isn’t nearly as bad as the Microsoft one. This commercial is also only about 15 seconds so there wasn’t as much time for things to go horribly wrong. But it’s almost as fun to over-analyze so I’m gonna go ahead and do that. Here’s the commercial:
Frame by frame. LET’S DO THIS.
Spectacular opening. Our two demigods gracefully enter the shot with glorious heads of hair. There is an extremely derpy teammate in the background who is wearing number 13. There is no number 13 on the Angels, and definitely no one that looks like that…okay maybe if someone shrunk Jered Weaver and punched him in the face. This could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure lockers in the clubhouse are alphabetical. Clearly they attempted to portray this by placing a mysterious “White” to the left of Wilson…but they also went ahead and squeezed Josh Hamilton’s locker right between them. Simply reprehensible. Also keep in mind that this is clearly THE ANGELS’ CLUBHOUSE.
Hamilton continues to stare at us. Wilson explains that Head & Shoulders and Old Spice are now together. IN THE SAME BOTTLE. C.J, is also clearly winking at someone attractive to his left. I am 100% sure it’s Mike Trout. If you look behind Hamilton, we see another clear bottle of Head & Shoulders in Wilson’s locker. Did C.J. just STEAL Josh’s bottle?!? Does C.J. have 2bottles? Just not sure why they felt the need to product place another bottle of the same thing when Mr. Wilson is clearly showing us the bottle and then
BAM. Super HD close up of the bottle. C.J. seems to have placed it down in someone else’s locker that only consists of 2towels, a helmet, and some wristbands. It’s almost definitely either the first or third base coach’s locker. Not sure why Dino Ebel or Alfredo Griffin needs a bottle of Head & Shoulders but whatever.
Hamilton emerges from the dugout without his hat because duh. Derpy midget Not Jered Weaver hustles out to his mysterious position. Josh tells us that this mystical shampoo allows him to be 100% flake-free which is clearly helping his plate discipline. An unknown member of the Angels bench is checking Not Jered Weaver’s ass.
Before I begin to dissect what might be the greatest commercial in baseball internet history, I just wanted to apologize for the severe lack of content on my end here at CFB. I’ve been sorta busy but there isn’t really any excuse and I also realize it totally doesn’t matter considering most of y’all only read our stupid tweets but yeah. We’re gonna have a post early next week about what CFB is gonna be once we’re both in college and trying to get an education, but for now we’re gonna try to “produce” a few stupid things over the next few days.
ANYWAY.
A few months ago, Microsoft came out with this advertisement to promote their new tablet, the Microsoft Surface, as a legit competitor for the iPad. Here it is:
Hopefully this isn’t the first time you’ve watched it, but whatever. I’ve now watched it about 20 times and I am prepared to ask a lot of questions.
Okay, the scene is set. There is a left-handed pitcher throwing to a catcher while a guy who is probably his coach is out there right next to the mound watching him. There are a few other players in the outfield. This seems to be a college field or some other amateur level. If this is a game, or even pre-game warm ups, why is the coach out there at all? Okay, let’s just move on.
Oh god. As the catcher receives the ball, we get a glimpse of what this scene is really about. Two questionably dressed men on the left holding two different types of tablet. Oh, and a nice black gentleman in a track suit with a radar gun. Mr. Track Suit doesn’t seem to be doing anything with his radar gun readings, as his other hand is just chillin’ in his pocket. The only two spectators behind home plate seem to be washed up players who do not want to be at this game.
It’s the moment that all (5) of you have been waiting for. It wasn’t easy labor, but the Cespedes Family Barbecast was birthed last night and oh boy is it an ugly child.
It’s the inaugural episode of the Cespedes Family Barbecast which means technical difficulties galore and a whole lot of bad jokes. This week’s episode is sponsored by The Bar That Used To Employ Tom Wilhelmsen. A shocking number of people wrote us e-mails which included fantastic questions on moustaches, the Cubs farm system, dodgeball and which piece of baseball equipment we’d want to be. Our guest is internet superstar Craig Goldstein (@cdgoldstein on the Tweeterz) who writes for FakeTeams and DynastyGuru. We discussed a plethora of riveting topics with Craig including Jeremy Guthrie, Van Morrison and Kyle Farnsworth’s anger problems. We reviewed our trip to Hagerstown to see the Suns face the Kannapolis Intimidators and then talked about TRUE NUMBER ONE STARTERS. You can e-mail us at cespedesfb@gmail.com and find us on the Twitter @CespedesBBQ. Also like us on facebook because why not?
It’s been a while since I did one of these, so it felt right to bring it back tonight as Darvish is coming off the DL to face the Yankees at home. Despite missing a few starts due to injury, Darvish is tied for the major league lead in strikeouts with 157 in 119.1 innings. Tonight, he will face a desecrated Yankees lineup and should be able to strike out Luis Cruz more than once. In case you forgot how fantastic Yu is, here’s a refresher:
It’s been several months since I’ve done one of these, but going back and looking at the ones I’d stockpiled inspired me to return to this investigative game.
This is a tough one to discuss without any serious spoilers, but let’s just say Taijuan Walker’s cutter will never be nearly as dangerous as any of the weapons Tom wields during his stint on Homeland. Obvious racial similarities be damned, I can’t be convinced by this link until Taijaun goes missing and becomes a national security threat.
Before the season and before anyone really read our stuff, Jake and I did team-by-team previews for every team in baseball. They had very little analysis and a whole lot of #analysis. You can find them here. One of my favorite parts of these previews was Jake coming up with what we now refer to as CFB Names for every player in each projected starting lineup. I’ve got a few favorites from this absurd collection. These is my personal All-Star team solely based on these names. Warning: they’re REALLY stupid.
Several weeks ago, Ian Miller and Riley Breckenridge were talking about the upcoming Home Run Derby on their Prodcast. There was an off-hand comment about how they should have a Home Run Derpy tournament instead. So if we’re stealing the idea…we apologize deeply. But it was a difficult thing to pass up. This isn’t exactly a tournament, but it’s an appreciation of our eight participants in a slightly different manner. It’s a shame Jeff Karstens won’t be the one pitching to them next Monday night. Anyway, let’s get started.
CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 