Felix.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF My Kills Launders
   
2. 3B Kills Eager
3. DH Ken Reitsma Rallies
4. RF My Kill M. Horse
5. 1B Jizz Tins Mocha
6. C G. Zeus Mt. Arrow
7. 2B Dust Enact Lee
8. CF Frank Lingo-Tears
9. SS Bread Hand, Dry Hand

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Feels, Licks Her Nanas
2. Joe’s And Hers
3. His Sashimi Wok Yuma
4. Play Cub Even
5. Brain Down More

CLOSER: Tom Will Help Some

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Felix forever.

That’s all that really matters.

Oh, and Jason Bay.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Felix Hernandez

• Whether he is the actual best pitcher in the world is somewhat of a debate, but watching King Felix is an experience like no other. He’s Seattle’s heart and soul, and watching him pitch in Safeco with the King’s Court behind him is absolutely breathtaking. It certainly helps that he has one of the most devastating pitches in baseball in his 90 MPH change-up. Felix is now signed with Seattle through the end of this decade, and that just seems right. He has shown an incredible devotion to Seattle throughout his young career and will be there to stay. Also, this happened:

A Perfect Game.

***

State of the Farm:

• It’s all about the pitching depth. Taijuan Walker, Danny Hultzen, James Paxton, Brandon Maurer…the list goes on and on. And that’s just the upper levels. All those guys are close to major league ready, while projectable guys like Brazilian lefty Luiz Gohara (WHO WAS BORN IN 1996 ZOMG), is a long way to go. This system also boasts catcher Mike Zunino, who will most likely end up being the all time leader in Home Runs Hit By A Catcher Whose Last Name Starts With A “Z”. He’s solid defensively, and should hit for well above-average power once he reaches Seattle.  

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Maykel Ynfantes
• RHP Neritzon Osorio
• RHP Thyago Vieira
• RHP Isliexel Gonzalez
• RHP Jochi Ogando
• RHP Frankely Brito
• RHP Mayckol Guaipe
• RHP Forrest Snow
• LHP Rusty Shellhorn
• C Georvic Perez
• C Wei Wang
• 1B Jharmidy De Jesus
• SS Gianfranco Wawoe
• SS Jhonbaker Morales
• OF Estarlyn Morales
• OF Cavan Cahoes
• OF Raysherel Michel
• OF Jamodrick McGruder
• OF Janelfry Zorrilla
• OF Jabari Blash
• OF Kalian Sams

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Taijuan Walker’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• After finding themselves 20 games under .500, the Mariners finally set sail and hit the open sea with reckless abandon. 
• Michael Morse requests a trade after he remembers he is allergic to rain.
• Dustin Ackley gets a perm and Robert Andino gets happier.
• Felix leads the Mariners to even more beautiful mediocrity, as he tears the AL a new one…again.

This is what negative WAR looks like.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF Al X. Gorged On
2. SS All Seed Sex Crowbar
3. DH Bill Leeb Huddler
4. 3B Mic Moose Tacos
5. C Salve A Dorp Airs
6. 1B Air Kozma
7. RF Chief Rank Whore
8. CF Lauren Soak Ain
9. 2B Triscuits

ROTATION:

1. Shames Heels
2. Germ Eek Us Ree
3. Erv Insane Tan A
4. Weigh Dave Is
5. Lose Men Dozer

CLOSER: Grr Egg Hoe Land

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Ervin Santana.

Need I say more? He’s awful.

I miss Wil Myers.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Jeff Francoeur

•  Quite simply the worst everyday player in all of baseball in 2012, Francoeur combines horrendous plate discipline with equally bad defense (besides his absurd 880 grade arm) to create the ultimate weak spot for the RoyLOLs. Then consider that the only thing the Royals really needed coming into this season was a young, power-hitting right fielder to replace Frenchy. If only…………………….. :(

***

State of the Farm:

Wil Myers will be #missed because he was #good. But this system isn’t completely drained. Far from it, actually. It’s still loaded with low-level high ceilings and Bubba Freakin’ Starling. Bubba ain’t exactly the best baseball player (yet), but is probably the best athlete in the entire minor leagues. Top prospect Kyle Zimmer looks like he was in A Bugs Life and makes funny faces, but he’s got a hammer curveball paired with plus-plus velocity from an extremely clean delivery. Miguel Almonte has raised some eyebrows this spring, with an impressive arsenal at a very young age; he’s got a very similar body and array of pitches as #BARVES top prospect Julio Teheran. The name that everyone needs to know is Adalberto Mondesi. Already dubbed “The Next Profar” by multiple prospect enthusiasts, the son of former outfielder Raul Mondesi has off the charts instincts and a rapidly improving bat from both sides of the plate. He will start the year at Low-A Lexington, and won’t turn 18 until late July. Which is just stupid. Dayton Moore is still banking on “The Process”, and while the Wil Myers trade seems like a knee-jerk reaction in order to win a few extra games, it didn’t destroy this system by any means. Still plenty to watch here. ADALBERTO !

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Zebulon Sneed
• RHP Yerinson Tatis
• RHP Ysrael Abreu
• RHP Branly Crisostamo
• RHP Torey Deshazier
• RHP Bryan Brickhouse
• RHP Sugar Ray Marimon
• RHP Brooks Pounders
• LHP Yojensy Arias
• LHP Atahualpa Severino
• C Beau Maggi
• 1B Rainier Bello
• 1B Mark Threlkeld
• 2B Irving Falu
• 3B Nicholas Cuckovich
• 3B Yowill Espinal
• 3B Cheslor Cuthbert
• 3B Nick DelGuidice
• SS Adalberto Mondesi
• SS Jeckson Flores
• SS Orlando Calixte
• OF Brawlun Gomez
• OF Marsalis Holloway
• OF Bubba Starling

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Kyle Zimmer’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• GM Dayton Moore clarifies what he believes to be “The Process”, explains he is a part of The Process Church of The Final Judgment; he never had any intention to make the Royals a winning ballclub. 
• Billy Butler gets sick of his nickname “Country Breakfast”, becomes a freegan.
• Jeff Francoeur stops being so nice , returns to replacement level.
• Ervin Santana continues to give up ALL DA HOMERZ.

The 2013 Miami Marlins

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF One Pear
2. 3B Flaccid Dope Lank Hoe
3. RF Shun Carl O’Tan Tin
4. C Raw Brand Lee
5. CF Jizz Tin Rue G. On Oh
6. 2B Don O’Vansal Ono
7. 1B K.C. Couch Man
8. SS A Tiny Hedge Afaria

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Rick E. Knoll Asshole
2. Way Deal Blank
3. Hen Derps On All Varies
4. Cave In Slowly
5. Hose A. Fern And His

CLOSER: Sleeve She Shake

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Well, they did it again.

We all hate Jeff Loria.

Sorry, Giancarlo.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Giancarlo Stanton

• If Zeus had played baseball, he would have looked like Giancarlo Stanton. Thighs like redwoods, arms like thighs, and a head the size of a watermelon, Stanton is built to mash your balls. He has done mythological things to regular peons like Jamie Moyer and all the Rockies. He’s got quite possibly the best raw power of all time, and he is the precious unicorn that every organization wishes they had.

***

State of the Farm:

Right-handed pitcher Jose Fernandez, armed with his plus-plus fastball and Cuban refugee status, could very easily be the top pitching prospect in all of baseball this time next season. Oh wait, the Marlins called him up for absolutely no reason. Outfielder Christian Yelich is awkward and wiry, but he boasts one of the few plus-plus hit tools in the minors, and should join the newly acquired Jake Marisnick in the cavernous outfield of Marlins BLOLpark soon enough. As a shortstop in high school, athletic catcher Jacob Realmuto demoralized his opponents, batting .595 with ONE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN RUNS BATTED IN as a senior. They also have an outfielder named Jesus Solorzano. So there’s that. This system, as expected, got much better after fire sale #193, but it still lacks any real depth after the top two studs in Fernandez and Yelich.  It’s meh. But again, Jesus Solorzano.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Jorgan Cavenario
• RHP Arquimedes Caminero
• RHP Rigoberto Santamaria
• RHP Yeims Mendoza
• RHP Jheyson Manzueta
• RHP Yonqueli Perez
• 1B Viosergy Rosa
• 3B Tug Hulett
• SS Rehiner Cordova
• OF Wildert Pujols
• OF Jesus Solorzano

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Christian Yelich’s Swing

***

Predictions:

• Jeffrey Loria trades LeBron James and Dwyane Wade to the Phillies to save cap room.
• The Marlins add three more colors to their uniforms and are briefly mistaken for a gay pride parade.
• While yawning during one of the Marlins’ many losses, Giancarlo Stanton accidentally inhales the entire home run sculpture in left center field.
• The Marlins suck a duck and finish dead last in the National League.

The Toronto Blue Jays

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. SS Hose A. Race
2. LF Milky Cobra
3. RF Hose A. Barista
4. DH Ed Wind In Car Nausea Own
5. CF Cold Beer Has Musk
6. 1B A Damn Lint
7. C Jay Pee Aaron CBA
8. 2B A Mealy Hoe Bong A Fabio
9. 3B Mace Her It Hurts

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Raid Hickey
2. Brain Down Tomorrow
3. Narc Burly
4. Charsh Garnsharn
5. J. Ap

CLOSER: K.C. Chancing

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Well, this is the year.

They are now mostly Marlins.

Let’s see if it works.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: R.A. Dickey

• Robert Allen Dickey is just a good dude with a good pitch. Last year his knuckleball devastated the National League and he waltzed in his sandals all the way to a Cy Young Award. Whether or not the pitch is sustainable remains to be seen, but one thing is for sure: she wants the Dickey. And by Dickey, we mean this pitch:

***

State of the Farm:

Understandably, they shipped off nearly all of their top prospects to acquire the insane amount of major league talent from the Mets and the Marlins. However, they held onto Aaron Sanchez, and he could be pretty special. Sanchez is a power arm that sits in the mid 90’s and has two developing off-speed pitches (change-up and curveball) that could end up as above average as well. He’s the one guy they refused to give away, and they expect big things from him this year. Lefty Sean Nolin and his deep arsenal of solid-average pitches should be ready soon. Marcus Stroman is barely 5′”9, but he’s got a disgusting arsenal that includes a cutter in the low 90’s. He’s suspended for 50 games because The Major League Baseball Drug Policy Is Ridiculous, but could easily find a place in the Jays’ bullpen before the end of the season. Matt Smoral might look like Stinky Peterson from “Hey Arnold!”, but he’s an extremely young and projectable left-hander with an already devastating slider. And oh yeah, they have a bajillion 16 year olds in the rookie levels with huge ceilings and good grades in Algebra 2.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yeyfry Del Rosario
• RHP Trystan Magnuson
• RHP Chorye Spoone
• LHP Zakery Wasilewski
• 1B Balbino Fuenmayor
• 2B Ronniel Demorizi
• 2B Jason Leblebijian
• 3B Deiferson Barreto
• SS Amadeo Zazueta

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Marcus Stroman’s Slider

***

Predictions:

• The Blue Jays play the Marlins and everyone gets really emotional.
• Brett Lawrie films his own version of Project X in which he throws a huge party in the Rogers Centre while the team is out of town.
• The Blue Jays can’t live up to the Miami Heat level hype and finish 3rd in a division stacked more than a double stacked, Double Stuf Oreo.

“Is this the Krusty Krab?”

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Add Meat On
2. 3B Mort In Prada
3. 2B: Arrow Nil
4. C Me Delmon Taro
5. 1B Ball Goal Shit
6. RF Jay Honk U. Bell
7. LF Code Ear Oz
8. SS Crypt Pen Nine Ton

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. E. And Ken A.D.
2. Bend Hand My Car Tee
3. Tremor Kale
4. Way Deem I. Lee
5. Pat-Ricker Bin

CLOSER: Gay Jape Puts

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Weirdest off-season.

Dumped Bauer for Didi. Sad.

What is Kevin Towers ?!

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee:  Cliff Pennington

• There’s nothing truly special about Cliff Pennington. He’s not a great hitter. He’s not an elite defender. He’s not a particularly valuable player at all, really. But boy does he look wholesome in this one particular photo. And at the end of the day, isn’t it all about the kids? 

***

State of the Farm:

This is a fun one. Even though they traded Trevor Bauer away and barely got anything prospect wise for Justin Upton, this crop still has some very exciting young talent. Tyler Skaggs is arguably the best LHP prospect in the game today, and should spend the majority of the 2013 season in Arizona’s rotation, armed with an above average fastball and one of the better curveballs in the minor leagues. Right behind him is Archie Bradley, a prototypical power right hander who sits in the mid 90’s and has a ridiculous breaking ball that will be shown below in .gif form. He had some command problems in his first full year of pro ball, but is primed to take a huge step forward in 2013 and could easily by a consensus Top 20 prospect by season’s end. Arizona took athletic catcher Stryker Trahan in the first round of the 2012 draft. Besides being named Stryker, he has some of the better raw power in the minors, and a chance to stick behind the plate. Did we mention his name is Stryker? Andrew Chafin is an intriguing lefty, with a potent fastball/slider combo that will probably end up in the bullpen. But the true gems of this system are found at the lowest levels…

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yoimer Camacho
• RHP Virgilio Encarnacion
• RHP Geordy Parra
• RHP Kable Hogben
• RHP Diogenes Rosario
• RHP Zeke Spruill
• LHP Anfernee Benitez
• DH Yogey Perez-Ramos
• C Stryker Trahan
• C Raywilly Gomez
• C Tyson Van Winkle
• C Roidany Aguila
• C Tuffy Gosewisch
• 1B Phildrick Llewellyn
• SS Didi Gregorius
• OF Socrates Brito
• OF Breland Almadova
• OF Yeisson Rosario

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Archie Bradley’s Curveball

BONUS .GIF

Archie Bradley’s Accidental Cutter ?!

***

Prediction:

• To compliment his overload of #grit, Kevin Towers trades Trevor Cahill for #grout to repair his bathtub.
• Arizona plays in the Civil Rights game and temporarily changes its name to the Diamondblacks.
• Paul Goldschmidt converts to Judaism after getting fed up answering to when asked if he’s Jewish.
• The Diamondbacks win baseball games, but not enough baseball games to be permitted to play baseball games in October.

Now That’s A Concerning Skin Disease

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. SS Jim Ear LOLings
2. 2B Jay Shut Lee
3. 3B My Keel Yang
4. 1B Rain Hard
5. LF Lance Knicks
6. RF Damn Nick Brown
7. CF Bend Ravier
8. C Erk Rats

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Cold Am Hells
2. Royal Day
3. Clip Flea
4. Kai Elk Hen Dick
5. Tron Landon

CLOSER: Joe Nathan Pap L. Bone

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Michael and Delmon.

Young at heart; suck at baseball.

They got Revere, though.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Delmon Young

• Remember Wario from Mario Kart? He’s like a white Delmon. What else… Delmon hates jews and is bad at throwing. I’m planning on taking his rookie card to the Western Wall. It’s not that we’re sad Delmon the person isn’t a very good person; it’s that Delmon the once uber prospect is one of the worst players in baseball. In his (Devil) Rays Top Ten list for 2007, Kevin Goldstein had this to say about Delmon’s future: “Pure hitting skills that are unparalleled in the minor leagues. Ultra-fast bat, plenty of raw strength and enormous plate coverage allow for projections of a .300+ average with 25-35 home runs annually. Not just a one-dimensional talent, Young is a tick-above-average runner and an excellent base stealer, as well as a good outfielder with an outstanding arm.” After 3575 career plate appearances, Delmon Young has been worth -0.3 WAR. Ugh. So awful.
  

***

State of the Farm: 

It’s a very odd system, having traded an absolute TON (Travis d’Arnaud, Kyle Drabek, Jarred Cosart, Jonathan Singleton and Domingo Santana) to get guys like Hunter Pence and Roy Halladay. But they’re not totally empty. They’ve got the closest thing to Billy Hamilton in shortstop Roman Quinn (even if he looks 14 years old in the picture above). He’s unlikely to stick at short, but the bat should play somewhere when he’s stealing 60+ bags a year. Carlos Tocci is a lanky outfielder to dream on mostly because holy crap he was born in August of 1995. Jesse Biddle is probably the top player in this system; he’s a lefty with a deep arsenal and 80 grade eyebrows. It’s not awful, but nothing to write home about. Just a bunch of future role 5 players.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yacksel Rios
• RHP Jesen Dygestile-Therrien
• RHP Ranfi Casimiro
• RHP Seranthony Dominguez
• RHP Masilis Valera
• RHP Ulises Joaquin
• LHP Ranger Suarez
• C Hiomarvic Colmenarez
• C Bob Stumpo
• 2B Alejandro Villalobos
• SS Malquin Canelo
• OF Jiandido Tromp

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Brody Colvin’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• Ryan Howard’s contract literally eats Ryan Howard.
• Roy Halladay finally gets his PHD and becomes an actual doc after his decrease in fastball velocity leads to a necessary career change.
• Delmon and Michael discover they’re actually related; move in together; become even worse.
• The PhiLOLies get a year older and a year closer to destruction, as they end up in third as the soggy meat patty in the NL East sandwich.

This man is no longer the General Manager of the Chicago White Sox. 

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Allie Hand Row The Pasta
2. 3B Chef Keeping Her
3. RF Ah Luxury O’s
4. 1B Polk Hone Argo
5. DH Dad Him Done
6. LF Die On This E. Eight O.
7. SS Alex E. Ram Ears
8. C Ty Lerph Hours
9. 2B Gourd N. Beggam

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Crystale
2. Jay Cap Heavy
3. Gave In Floyd
4. Hose A. Kin Tata
5. D. Land Axel Rod

CLOSER: Add Is On Red

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Yay, Jeff Keppinger.

Cheap extension for Chris Sale,

Not much else. Boring.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Chris Sale

• Ever been on one of those crazy roller coasters that twists, turns, drops, and dives? You scream and you shout as your stomach flops itself over. Ring a bell? It’s just like watching Chris Sale’s elbow as he throws his 45th slider of the game. It’s hard to watch, like The State of The Union or “Friends”. It’s not just his absurd delivery and arm action that’s nauseating; he looks severely malnourished as well. Everything about Sale when he’s on the bump is skeevy and weird. The worst part is, he’s really freakin’ good. So you kinda have to watch. Until his arm goes boom. It’s hard to believe it hasn’t happened yet. You would think all it would take would be reaching over a little too quickly to hit the Snooze button on his alarm clock. Anyway, here’s what we mean:
  

***

State of the Farm: 

Outfielder Courtney Hawkins has near elite raw power and about 93% of the athleticism in this entire system. He’s a great athlete for his size, and projects as a well above average right fielder if it all comes together. He flew through the minors as a 19 year old in his first pro season, finishing 2012 at High-A Winston-Salem. He won’t be moving at that pace for this upcoming season, but he’s the one prospect in this system really worth keeping an eye on. The rest is…well, not pretty. There’s the scattered and unrefined toolbox known as Trayce Thompson, as well as the insanely large and equally raw first baseman Keon Barnum. They’ve got some semi interesting arms in Scott Snodgress and Brazilian Andre Rienzo, but nothing that projects anywhere close to the top half of a major league rotation. Hawkins is exciting, but this system is dull, dry and derpy as hell.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yelmison Peralta
• RHP Storm Throne
• RHP Euclides Leyer
• C Joxelier Garcia
• 2B Justin Jirschele
• 3B Rangel Ravelo
• OF Yoandy Barroso
• OF Kale Kiser

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Courtney Hawkins doing a backflip.

***

Predictions:

• Ozzie Guillen returns with a vengeance and attempts to eject Robin Ventura during one of his many mound visits during a Gavin Floyd start.
• Adam Dunn becomes a vegetarian and loses 100 lbs; he steals 25 bases after the All-Star break.
• Chris Sale realizes he’s a righty and starts throwing normally
• Hawk Harrelson looks up, puts it on the board, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssss.
• The White Sox realize what the term “farm system” means and sell all their chicken farms. They use the profits for player development, finally.
• With the 17th pick in the 2013 Amateur Draft, Kenny Williams will rip the phone from Rick Hahn and tell Bud Selig that the White Sox are drafting his pet dog in order to save money.

Clayton Richard: Pitcher, Quarterback, Nazi Sympathizer.

***

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. SS Have Breath Crab Hear
2. 2B Gergerker
3. 3B Cheese Shed Lee
4. 1B Yawn Dora Lawn Zone
5. RF Carl O’Squintin
6. LF Wheel Van Able
7. CF Came Around Maybe
8. C Nig Hunt Lee

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Eddy’s Son Volt Quiz
2. Clay Toner Chard
3. Jay Sewn Mark Kiss
4. A Rick Stilts
5. Ties On Rots

CLOSER: Houston’s Teet

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

They didn’t do much.

No extension for Headley.

Time for Jedd Gyorko!

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Cameron Maybin

• Waiting for Cameron Maybin to break out is taking longer than a hotel buffet with a bunch of fat, pushy Israelis. His tools are as mouthwatering as the Danish that stands before me, but whether or not I can actualize putting the Danish in my mouth is unknown. We are still talking about Cameron Danish… I mean Maybin right? 

***

State of the Farm:

They’ve got a CFB favorite in catcher Austin Hedges, who is lauded for his elite defensive skills and surprisingly solid bat. He’ll advance to the California League in 2013, where he will most likely put up absurd and misleading offensive numbers that will only make us love him more (if that’s possible). The Padres also have a seemingly endless collection of young arms: Right-handers Matthew Wisler, Joe Ross and Walker Weickel, as well as their top pick in 2012, left hander Max Fried. Max Fried was in the same high school rotation as Lucas Giolito. How is that even fair? Fried boasts one of the better curveballs in the minors already, and is a Jew. Then there’s 6″7 Tayron Guerrero. Reports from the Professor this spring have been slightly intriguing. Outfielder Rymer Liriano will miss the 2013 season due to Tommy John surgery, but his name is Rymer so I expect a full recovery and an exciting return sometime in 2014. It’s a really good system; probably top 5 in the majors. But most importantly, AUSTIN HEDGES.

CLICK ON THIS LINK FOR MORE AUSTIN HEDGES BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T PREACHED HIS GOSPEL ENOUGH. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yimmi Brasoban
• RHP Kevin Quackenbush
• 1B Goose Kallunki
• 2B Cristofher Martinez
• 2B Malquiel Brito
• 2B River Stevens
• SS Franchy Cordero
• SS Beamer Weems
• OF Yorky Diaz
• OF Franmil Reyes
• OF Fabel Filpo
• OF Yeison Acensio

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Max Fried’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• Chase Headley will continue to be the most underrated overrated player in San Diego.
• Clayton Richard will continue to support the Third Reich.
• JERD GERK WERL GERT A LERT ERF HERTS
• The Padres are going to redefine mediocrity. They will win 81 games, have an even run differential, and get an 85% on their Spanish test. 

This is their superstar.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF Chore Danny Valdez Pin
2. 2B Dan Elmer Pee
3. 3B Dave Drite
4. 1B Hiked Avis
5. RF Luc Astuta
6. CF Mar Land Bird
7. C John Fuck
8. SS Boobin’ Jihad Ah

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Yawn A Than Knees
2. Dillingy
3. Mah Turvy
4. Germy Heifer
5. Shhh Unmark Em

CLOSER: Bob E. Porn Hell

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Worst outfield ever?

Sent Dickey to Blue Jays for

d’Arnaud, Syndergaard.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: The Entire Outfield

• The 2013 New York Mets outfield isn’t a lot of things. They aren’t proven, they aren’t that talented, and frankly they aren’t very good. Nieuwenhuis, Duda, & Baxter sounds more like a dermatology clinic than a major league outfield. But Nieuwenhuis can go get it in center, Duda has a fantastic beard, and Baxter is from Queens. It’s important to remember that these are all things that won’t make them any better at baseball.

***

State of the Farm:

•  The Mets certainly did well in the Dickey trade, acquiring arguably the top catching prospect in baseball in Travis d’Arnaud as well as hard throwing right hander/Master Race prototype Noah Syndergaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard. d’Arnaud projects to be average to plus in all facets of his game, and while he probably won’t put up the stupid numbers that he did at Triple-A Las Vegas (333/.380/.595), he should be a very good catcher for a long time, barring any more injuries. This system’s true strength is its abundance of hard throwing righties, lead by future ace Zack Wheeler. Stolen from the Giants for half a year of CarLOLs Beltran, Wheeler has three plus to plus-plus pitches (fastball, curveball, slider) with rapidly improving command. He’s one of the few pitchers in the minors that truly projects as a #1 starter. Then there’s Michael Fulmer, a huge righty who will pitch the entire 2013 season at age 20. He possesses plus-plus velocity to go along with a fairly fantastic slider. He’s probably destined for the bullpen, but Domingo Tapia throws crazy hard. 2011 first rounder Brandon Nimmo was born and raised in Wyoming. They literally don’t play high school baseball in Wyoming. Overall, this system is improved, but far from deep and really lacks any impact bats. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Edioglis Villasmil
• RHP Flabio Ortega
• RHP Randinson Suazo
• RHP Yrelvis Castillo
• RHP Bladimil Vallejo
• RHP Doxon Brochero
• RHP Nabil Crismatt
• RHP Jhonaiker Rodriguez
• RHP Wimbert Martinez
• RHP Rolgenis Blanco
• RHP Rainy Lara
• RHP Hansel Robles
• LHP Mark Cohoon
• C Nelfi Zapata
• C Xorge Carrillo
• 1B Jeyckol De Leon
• 2B Yeixon Ruiz
• 2B Yucarybert De La Cruz
• OF Wuilmer Becerra
• OF Ysidro Pierre
• OF Hengelbert Rojas

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Zack Wheeler’s Curveball

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Prediction:

• Before you do anything else, please go look at those prospect names again. YUCARYBERT. 
• Ike Davis gets hungry and tries to eat the Big Apple in center after going yard.
• The Mets aren’t as bad as the Marlins, which says nothing at all about the quality of the Mets.
• Marlon Byrd gets a pet bird and names it Marlon; bird immediately becomes Mets fourth outfielder.

An Angel From Texas, An Angel From the Outfield, and An Angel From Heaven.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF Mic’d Rout
2. SS E. Rick Eye Bar
3. 1B All Bird Poo Holes
4. RF Joe “Shhh” Ham Ill Ton
5. DH Marked Rumba
6. 2B How? E. Ken Drick
7. 3B All Bird O’Kai Ass Poe
8. C Christ Ian. ETA?
9. CF Pete R. Bored Jizz

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Jarred Weevil
2. Siege Ay Will Zaun
3. Job Lantern
4. Jays On Vag Us
5. Tom E. Hands On

CLOSER: Ernie Stove Rear E.

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Here comes Hamilton,

Jesus. No plate discipline.

Vargas is boring.

***

Innards

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Jered Weaver

• Jered Weaver is very good at pitching. Jared Weaver is not very good at being a normal human being. Here is a picture of his mouth. Lots of room in there. His pitching motion itself skivvies me out a bit. While he might be the guy I want at the front of my rotation, he’s certainly not the guy I’m asking to babysit my kids… if I had kids. Here is a .gif of him freaking the hell out after getting injured: 

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State of the Farm:

• The Angels have one good prospect named Kaleb Cowart who can’t even spell Caleb correctly. But the guy can seriously hit, and should stick at third base. They also have Professional Huge Person C.J. Cron, a bat only first baseman with plenty of raw power and equally as much swing and miss. After that, it’s like seventeen 4th starters and the guy they drafted one pick before Mike Trout. Blah. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Aaron Sookee
• RHP Orangel Arenas
• LHP Buddy Boshers
• DH Bladimir Aquino
• C Anthony Bemboom
• C Enyelber Vivas
• C Abel Baker
• C Jett Bandy
• SS Caleb Bushyhead
• OF Ranyelmy Mendoza
• OF J.B. Shuck

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

3B Kaleb Cowart’s Slider (as a junior in high school)

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Predictions:

• Mike Trout doesn’t have one of the 25 greatest seasons of all time, like last year. Okay, he might. Actually, yeah, Mike Trout will probably have one of the 25 greatest seasons of all time. Again.
• Josh Hamilton watches Jason Vargas pitch; loses faith in God.
• Albert Pujols is traded to the Dodgers and signs a 10 year extension for $500 million dollars.
• Howie Kendrick contends for a batting title…