Our Fall TBS Show Ideas

The LDS on TBS have been somewhat of a disaster. The only thing worse than the production of the games are the shows advertised in between innings. We decided to put our money where our mouths are (which is gross if you think about it) and came up with our own baseball themed TBS show ideas. 

Cuban Mistletoe Crisis

Premise: Oh no! It’s almost Christmas, but Yoenis Cespedes and his countrymen Yasiel Puig, Jose Fernandez, Jose Dariel Abreu, and Jorge Soler don’t have any mistletoe to hang up at their Christmas dinner. 

Pitch: The rise of Cuban players has been one of the biggest stories in baseball this year. And everyone loves Christmas!

Mike Trout Highlights

Premise: Baseball Jesus just does things while we watch.

Pitch: Would instantly be the best show on television.

Spelling Xander Bogaerts

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Premise: The top 10 finishers in last year’s National Spelling Bee have to spell baseball’s unspellable names.

“Can you use that in a sentence?” 

“Sure. I went to the grocery store and was promptly robbed by a cross-faded Jarrod Saltalamacchia”

Pitch: Who doesn’t want to watch 10 Indian kids disappoint their parents while Adeiny Hechavarria and Matt Tuiasosopo laugh at them? 

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Ryan Braun To Sit Out Entire Jewish Holiday Season

Sandy Koufax and Hank Greenberg are famous for sitting out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish year. Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun is taking it one step further. Not only will Braun sit out on Yom Kippur, he will sit out both days of Rosh Hashanah, the first two days of Sukkot, Simchat Torah, and every single Shabbat until the season ends.

“I’ve had a hard year,” says Braun, who was wrapped up in Major League Baseball’s Biogenesis controversy. “I think that sitting out for the Jewish Holidays this year is the right thing to do.”

5773 has been a real tough year for Braun. He has lost the trust of his fans, his teammates, and most importantly, the Jewish community. He believes that by observing the Jewish holiday season he will be able to reconnect with his people.

“I haven’t been acting like myself this year. I’ve been nothing more than a schmuck; a real embarrassment to my fans, the Jewish people, and especially my Bubbie. I want to reconnect with my Jewish roots.”

Last year the Brewers were in the thick of the wild card race and Braun made the decision to play on Yom Kippur. A decision he says he regrets.

“PED’s weren’t the only mistake I made last year. Playing on Yom Kippur really got the year started off in a bad way. I hope to have a fresh start this fall.”

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Ryan Braun’s Actual Apology Letter

Earlier today CFB did some digging into the Ryan Braun scandal. Here is the original first draft we found in Braun’s apartment. 

Dear Mom Fellow Players The World,

I am really really sorry for what I did. I know it was wrong for me to take durgs. PED’s aren’t just the first three letters in the word pedophile, they are bad durgs that are awesome harmful to the human body.

To all the hot girls kids: I’m sorry I let you down. The world should be a place where kids can trust the players they look up to and I am sorry that I fucked messed that up for you.

To my teammates: Thanks for stabbing me in the back sticking by my side when things got rough. It’s good to know that I always have a great bed clubhouse to fall back on.

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Players Who Took Steroids

There is a problem with baseball. It’s not the new CBA. It’s not the Angels bullpen, and it’s not even the fact that there is an alleged rapist pitching for the Tampa Bay Rays. No, the enormous problem with baseball right now is durgs. Here are some buzzwords you need to know about durgs.

Buzz Word: BIOGENESIS

  • Biogenesis is a group of scientists working together to uncover biological secrets from the bible.

Buzz Word: HGH

  • HGH obviously stands for Hugh Grant’s Head which can be found by clicking here. What this has to do with steroids eludes me.

Buzz Word: 50 Game Suspension

  • When rappers 50 Cent and The Game are kept in suspense by the rap community about their feud.

Those were some buzz words that hopefully made the steroid issue more clear. Now let’s take a look at some players who must have taken steroids. I will provide photo evidence. These players are scoundrels and cheats and must be removed from the sport. They are slimeballs and poopyheads as well.

Miguel Cabrera

Cabrera on the left is from 1999 and Cabrera on the right is from this year. Notice how much bigger Cabrera on the right looks. Taking into account his growth in face fat and add that to the ridiculous year he’s having, it’s pretty much obvious that Cabrera is using some sort of illegal durgs.

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This Is An Octavio Dotel Appreciation Post

For those of you that don’t know, Octavio Dotel is awesome. I felt like it was time to let the world know that Mr. Dotel is a savior, a superhero, and a saint. So buckle up, latch in, and get ready because this is about to be a doozy.

Octavio Dotel Has Played For 13 Teams

This segment of Dotel’s legacy has been well documented. The sheer fact that a major league baseball player played for thirteen years is absurd, let alone thirteen teams. I bet the random guy on the street can’t even name thirteen teams. “What is a Rockies?” he would say.

To put the number thirteen in perspective; so you know how it feels like Casper Wells is on a new team every week? Well Casper Wells has played for only five teams, and if you are good at math you know that’s seven less than Dotel’s thirteen.

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Trade Deadline Grades: Fathers

Sand Ago Fathers

Players Acquired:

  • Ink Hendy

ANALYSIS:

  • Kennedy has two daughters so this is a move typical of the Padres who are always looking to pick up padres to play for the Padres, you understand compadre?
  • Pitching in Petco means it’ll be much easier for him to pick up supplies for his dog, cat, and three gerbils
  • By going to San Diego, Ian is furthering himself from the career path of his grand uncle John F. Kennedy.

GRADE: 6th

  • You have no idea what you are and neither does anyone else. People keep saying you are a couple of years away but come on, are you really? Probably not. It probably won’t get better for you and you’ll probably just keep picking your nose in class until you turn 35. What does this have to do with baseball? Chicken.

Trade Deadline Grades: Ass Trolls

Who’s Town Ass Trolls

Players Acquired:

  • Kai Ells Myth
  • Joe Shader
  • L.J. Hoes

ANALYSIS:

  • The Astros are going to have the greatest AAA team of all time in 2016. The citizens of Oklahoma City should get the lube out because it’s going to get hot and heavy.
  • Any time you can pick up hoes, you do it.
  • Did I mention his name is Hoes?
  • Hader is a tall projectable lefty, just like your mom.

GRADE: 11th

  • Get ready for the hardest year of your lives Astros fans. Junior year might be really rough, but don’t worry it gets way better next year. Just tough it out and do your SAT stuff and you’ll be fine.

Trade Deadline Grades: Oreos

Ball Tomorrow E. Rails

Players Acquired:

  • Blood Nurse

ANALYSIS:

  • The Orioles needed another number three/four type starter because Jason Hammel, Chris Tillman, Wei Yin Chen, Sidney Ponson, Scott Feldman, Miguel Gonzalez, Steve Johnson, and T.J. McFarland weren’t enough…
  • Any time you can dump Hoes, you do it.
  • The problem with Hader was always be that if you make the “d” a “g” it becomes Hager, which is the name of the bad guy from Men In Black. That was what always concerned me.

GRADE: Fourth

  • The Orioles weren’t quite middle school with the move they made today, but they are working on their long division and should be called up to fifth grade by September.

An Ode To Alfonso Soriano

People always talk about players that are better in person. You’ve heard these quotes from your friends before:

“Man, you gotta see Puig in person.”

“Felix live is sick!”

“Watching Pedro Florimon hit changed my life.”

I never had that kind of experience seeing a player live until I went to Wrigley Field. I wasn’t blown away by speed, power, athleticism, or even grit. No sir. You see, what really struck me was how much fun Alfonso Soriano had with the game of baseball. So on that note, I wrote a little poem about my new favorite player.

Alfonso, Alfonso.

You arrived in this world so damn clean.

Pants always tight and pristine.

You’re not Aaron Hicks, but 1976, was when you emerged from your mothers vahin.

San Pedro De Macoris is your home.

You are better than Pedro Florimon.

Then you grew from a boy to a man

And spent two derpy years in Japan

In 06 you came to DC

And proceded to give the entire league an STD.

You, Bonds, Canseco, Oh Lordy

A-Rod, and a Mercer named Jordy.

Achieved such a feat, you danced to the beat, all but one of them have hit 40-40.

The time in DC ended shitty.

But you came up to the Windy City.

You picked up your bat, and you put on your hat, and you’re way better than Alex Liddi.

You never played for the Detroit Tigers.

You never played with Alex Meyer

Your swings make me cry, your socks are so high and only your spirits are higher.

You smile, you laugh, and you play.

You always take my breath away.

May you never retire, may your socks go up higher, to Alfonso a hip hip hooray.

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What Would I Have To Give Up To Trade For Matt Garza

AP Photo

There have been a lot of questions regarding Matt Garza recently. Will he be traded? Where will he be traded? Will he ever pitch for the Cubs again? What in Lord’s name is growing on his chin? Does he enjoy vanilla pudding? What would a team have to give up to get Garza?

Let’s focus on the last question. Major league teams are probably going to offer a package of prospects for Garza. Prospects are awesome, but prospects are risky. Do you know what doesn’t have risk? Things lying around my house. It’s trading time.

Jake’s Trading Package #1: Shoes

Details: 11 pairs of shoes or 22 shoes depending on how the Cubs would be interested in utilizing said shoes.

Pros: I would be getting a pretty good number two pitcher who can lead my rotation.

Cons: I need shoes to go outside unless I want dirt all over my feet. Matt Garza doesn’t want to play with a guy who has dirt on his feet.

Decision Time: I’d make the trade. I have other shoes in the closet in my room.

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