ERMAHGERD ERTS DA TERP TERN PRERSPERCTS

Feb6 by Jordan Shusterman

One of my favorite scouts and writers, Keith Law, came out with his Top 100 list yesterday (for ESPN Insiders, I should specify), and since I can’t just completely rip his whole list and post it here and analyze, I’m gonna do his top ten in a completely different language to avoid any copyright issues.

So with the brilliantly simple use of this handy dandy translator, let’s take a look at KLaw’s Top Ten Prospects for the upcoming 2013 season.

NUMBER ONE: Texas Rangers SS, JERERCKSERN PRERFER

NUMBER TWO: St. Louis Cardinals OF, ERSCER TERVERERS

NUMBER THREE: Baltimore Orioles RHP, DERLERN BERNDER

NUMBER FOUR: Tampa Bay Rays OF, WERL MAHRS

NUMBER FIVE: Boston Red Sox SS, XERNDER BERGERTS

NUMBER SIX: Miami Marlins OF, CHRERSTERN YERLERCH

NUMBER SEVEN: Cleveland Indians SS, FRERNCERSC LERNDER

NUMBER EIGHT: Pittsburgh Pirates RHP, GERERT CERL

NUMBER NINE: Seattle Mariners RHP, TERJERN WERLKER

NUMBER TEN: Oakland Athletics SS, ERDERSERN RERSERL

There ya go. Now you know more about baseball.

Love,

CERSPERDERS FERMAHLER BERBERCER

Rzepczynski a Scrabble Fraud?

Feb3 by jakemintz

Dude Looks Like Guy Fawkes

Yesterday the St. Louis Cardinals agreed to a one year 1.1 million dollar contract with reliever Marc Rzepcynski. No, that name isn’t the product of a meth addict falling asleep on a keyboard. Rzepcynski was actually a valuable part of the Cardinals bullpen that won the World Series in 2011. Out of this derp-worthy last name name came the nickname Scrabble. Obviously Rzepczynski is more than 7 tiles, the maximum a scrabbler can hold at one time, but that’s not the point. The joke here is that both the name Rzepcynski and the game scrabble have lots of letters, but is this beloved nickname as fitting as we think? Can one really make that many words from the letters in Rzepcynski? Does Joe Maddon know Steve Madden? Lets find out.

According to grenci.com (sure that’ s not Greinke?) Rzepcynski can be rearranged to make 156 words. According to the established counting system in our society, that’s a lot of words. Here are some of the highlights:

3 Letter Words:

4 Letter Words

Irks
Yerk
Zerk

5 Letter Words

Perky
Prick
Risky
Penis

6 Letter Words

Crikey
Pinker
Prices
Crispy
Nicker

7 Letter Words

Princes
Snicker

8 Letter Words

Snickery

Looks like Rzepcynski really was a good set of scrabble letters after all. Rest easy all those who weren’t resting so easy; Rzepcynski is safe. So in conclusion, we now know the name Rzepcynski is

Impossible to spell
A horrible pet name
Bartolo Colon’s wife’s safety word
Fun to make words from
A good scrabble hand

So Much Upton

Jan25 by jakemintz

Now that Justin Upton finally got traded the Braves have two Uptons. Things might get a little confusing in the ATL, but no need to worry CFB is here to help.

Walk-Up Music, Part 4: The AL West

Jan23 by Jordan Shusterman

While there are a seemingly unlimited number of ways to experience the game of baseball through social media from the comfort of your own home, there are a few things that you can only truly get by attending a game. One of these, is the walk-up music chosen by the players of the home team. I’ve recently been exposed to the fact that many of the walk-up songs for specific players are available online on each team’s respective site. This is fantastic news for those of us who aren’t so lucky as to visit every MLB park and hear each player’s music. Here at CFB I’m gonna take a look at some of the highlights of this rather awful collection of music that MLB players have decided represent them/pump them up/introduce them best.

(You can find the collection of music by going to a team’s website and looking under the “FANS” tab for a section called “Ballpark Music” or something similar to it.)

Houston Astros:

Second team I’ve found after the MarLOLins that doesn’t list their walk-up music on the official website. I assume I’d just post whatever Jose Altuve’s was a million times, so I don’t think we’re missing out on much.

Los Angeles Angels:

Born in Jacksonville, and the owner of an incredibly heavy southern accent, Howie Kendrick is clearly just pandering to the locals to show his Cali loyalty.

“Eight Second Ride” also refers to Downs’ 2003 season. He started one game, in which he gave up 5 runs over three innings. That was it.

“I never forgot about Dre. Not even once. And that’s why I deserve this job.”

Oakland Athletics:

*bernies*

*cut to Balfour on the Extreme level of Guitar Hero III*

THAT IS AN ACTUAL PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL PLAYER.

Seattle Mariners:

Oh man, this one is too good. The same day I found this, Jeff Sullivan came out with this brilliant piece of analysis.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha wait no i like the Mariners :(

It…still…hurts… </3

Texas Rangers:

I was completely unaware there was an alternate version of this song, but I’m glad Ogando is the one using it.

Uh oh Chad Tracy, looks like you’re not the only bearded left-handed first baseman who needs a T-shirt.

?!?!??!?!?

Walk-Up Music, Part 3: The NL East

Jan15 by Jordan Shusterman

(You can find the collection of music by going to a team’s website and looking under the “FANS” tab for a section called “Ballpark Music” or something similar to it.)

Atlanta Braves:

Not as much the song, I just love how the Braves site spelled Wale.

I just love Gerald Laird’s face. It’s just so “haha what is going on okay i am happy”, and God fucking bless him.

Unquestionably the most accurate of any I’ve come across, Dan Uggla undoubtedly doesn’t really care. Like, at all.

“Got bitches by the pair, I’m baller of the year
And haters everywhere but I don’t really care
No I don’t, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t really care”

….and his name ! is Dan ! Ugggggggglaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!

Miami Marlins:

I don’t know if the Marlins traded the walk-up music section of their site to Toronto as well, but it certainly seems that way. I cannot find a current list of their team’s walk-up songs. FOR SHAME, LORIA !!!

New York Mets:

80 Beard. Only in Crazy Town.

Third Carly Rae appearance. Come on Justin Turner, you’re the most generic scrappy white utility infielder ever…choose something weirder !

I don’t know if the Mets forgot to take this down from their site after the mind-blowing trade that sent superstar Mike Nickeas and a few other players to Toronto, or if they’re just in denial. Strange.

Philadelphia Phillies:

#TeamErik

Washington Nationals:

“Chad Tracy Is My Homeboy” shirts don’t exist yet, right ? Okay cool, I’ll get on that.

A warehouse: “A large building where raw materials or manufactured goods may be stored before their export or distribution for sale”, or, the last possible place you would ever want to meet Jayson Werth for the first time.

Oh god, literally the most cliche you could ever have but I’ve yet to see it until now. I am really disappointed in you, Craig Stammen. BE BETTER.

Sammy Sosa Joins Pinterest

Jan14 by reubencohen

Legendary Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa recently created an account on the social-networking website Pinterest, which he has been updating vigilantly ever since. Sosa, known on the site, clumsily, as “sammysosamr609,” lately has spent the time he’s saved by not getting into the Hall of Fame by using Pinterest, which describes itself as an online bulletin board for sharing photos. He mostly posts portraits of himself in several different outfits, many poses, and exactly one facial expression, one that makes you think his new favorite PED is Botox.

Every single portrait has the exact same caption – “Sammy Sosa. Yes, I’m the real Sammy Sosa, and this is my Pinterest.” – as if he felt that he really needed to convince people. Sammy, it’s okay, you don’t need to try so hard. After years of trying to convince people you didn’t take steroids, this argument should be a cinch for you. Every picture on the feed is a portrait like that, except for one which is just text that says “We Love Home” in a swooshy script with a heart in it. This is also the only photo that does not have that same caption – instead, Sammy has written, insightfully, “I know I do! :)”.

Sammy’s a handsome guy, but he doesn’t quite fill out his outfits the same way he did a Cubs uniform. The suit he wears in many of his pictures is a nice color, but his tie knot, like his batting stance, deserves some criticism for being too wide.

One of the strangest things about the pictures, though, is that he seems to always be pointing to something. This is appears to be a man who is obsessed with pointing. He points right at the camera, he points off to the side away from the camera, he points to his chair, he points to his phone. He also frequently puts up peace signs, which allows him to point at two things at once. He shows that he still has some flexibility in his fingers by simultaneously pointing to his computer, which displays his email, and a poster of himself. The most impressive feat is a meta-point: Sammy points to a picture behind him in which he is standing with, and making a peace sign towards, President Obama. This practice is even stranger because it does not seem that anything he is pointing at is something that he could be blaming for unknowingly injecting him.

It is unclear what Sosa hopes to get out of his Pinterest experience. He’s already passed 609 followers and kept updating the page, so it does not seem that he had the intention of having his internet career eclipse his baseball career. Perhaps Sosa is truly trying to repair his reputation so that maybe someday he does have a better chance at being elected to the Hall of Fame. In that case, social-networking would be a good way to go. It’s not surprising that Sosa is trying to expand his online presence, what is surprising is simply that he’s doing it so ineptly. Seriously, doesn’t Sammy know that there are consultants for this kind of thing?

Sammy has a long way to go from getting 12.5 percent of the vote to being voted in to the Hall of Fame. If that really is his goal, then he may have a lot more Pinterest and pointing and wide ties ahead of him, and we will all be better for it.

Adam Morgan vs. Adams Morgan

Jan11 by jakemintz

Have you ever confused Phillies prospect Adam Morgan with Washington DC neighborhood Adams Morgan? Well you’re in luck.

ADAM MORGAN VS ADAMS MORGAN

Walk-Up Music, Part 2: The AL Central

Jan9 by Jordan Shusterman

(You can find the collection of music by going to a team’s website and looking under the “FANS” tab for a section called “Ballpark Music” or something similar to it.)

Chicago White Sox:

Poor twisted you, Jesse Crain. Metallica certainly has its place in the world of walk-up music. It’s made many more appearances than I’ve actually listed here.

Beckham is the only one I’ve seen so far with FIVE different songs, and it must be a nightmare for the guy running stadium sound.

PA Announcer: “now batting, number fifteen, Gordonnnnn Beckhammmmmm”

Sound dude: “oh crap here we go uhhh CHICKEN FRIED wait what why would you even”

I’m picturing a movie poster with a blown up version of that picture of Paul Konerko with the epic title, “PAUL KONERKO: HARVESTER OF SORROW” starring Paul Konerko, Kenny Williams, and probably Ozzie.

Cleveland Indians:

The Indians site did not include many here, so I didn’t have too many good ones to choose from but the idea of jolly ol’ Matt Albers calmly telling someone to “sleep now in the fire” is wonderfully disturbing.

More Metallica. In this case though, The Devil’s Dance is most likely The Unintentional Walk.

Am I the only one who thinks he kind of looks like Phineas from “Phineas and Ferb”…? Okay…just checking…

Detroit Tigers:

something about Kate Upton

Yeah, Phil Coke would TOTALLY listen to Nickelback. Not even remotely surprised.

Strange choice, as Dirks hasn’t really spent much time on the DL. Maybe he “gets off” on Victor Martinez’ pain which is most of the reason he is still in the lineup maybe I guess I don’t know I am running out of bad jokes :(

Kansas City Royals:

Second Carly Rae appearance. I mean Alcides still has braces anyway, so he’s basically a teenage girl.

Hey Royals fans, go Google Wade Davis (the guy you traded Wil Myers for) and click the first Wikipedia result.

“Edmund Wade Davis (born December 14, 1953) is a Canadian anthropologist…”

wait no

I don’t even know…this is just fantastic. GIVE HIM MORE TIME, NED.

Minnesota Twins:

“La la la la la la/You never had it so good/ La la la la la la/ You never had it so good…”

Sounds like Darin Mastroanni’s life to me.

I’ll let Jeff Sullivan take this one.

http://mlb.sbnation.com/2012/1/20/2719960/breaking-baseballs-species-barrier

Stare into the demonic pools of doom that are Ryan Doumit’s eyes. Question your belief system.

Sweet dreams.

JNFOTD for 1/9

Jan9 by Jordan Shusterman

Miraculously, at some point in 2007 Jason Neighborgall reached Low-A South Bend. He pitched one inning…spread over 5 appearances. In his first appearance, he got current Indians catcher Carlos Santana (then with the Low-A affiliate of the Dodgers, the Great Lakes Loons) to ground out. In that one “inning” Neighborgall faced 22 total batters. He walked 12, hit 3, and gave up 12 runs. Two of his three outs were K’s, but of course one of those K’s was a wild pitch on which the runner reached so actually only one of his THREE outs made were strikeouts.

CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE

It's a Roast

Category Archives: Randomness

ERMAHGERD ERTS DA TERP TERN PRERSPERCTS

Rzepczynski a Scrabble Fraud?

So Much Upton

Walk-Up Music, Part 4: The AL West

Walk-Up Music, Part 3: The NL East

Sammy Sosa Joins Pinterest

Adam Morgan vs. Adams Morgan

Walk-Up Music, Part 2: The AL Central

JNFOTD for 1/9