gifs. From Last Night: Stras Has A Tough One
Nationals Pitcher Steven Strasburg had a particularly short outing last night, only going 1 1/3 innings. His removal from the game was a result of his inability to hit spots. If a pitcher doesn’t hit spots, he won’t be successful. Let’s see how bad Stras really was.
His first real miscue of the game came after the leadoff home run.
Episode 4: Jake’s Big Poop
It’s a quickie this week as we actually have shit to do like pack for our freshman year of college. We just ran through emails quickly, which were fantastic this week. Topics include: more big poop, bases, balls, home runs, Christ, believing in one’s self, tickles and more. Music from DA BENCH MOBB.
Benching In Baseball
Yasiel Puig got benched the other day for being late to the ballpark. His coach sat him down for “the good of the team.” The Twittersphere is up in arms about how Puig’s benching was a pointless act that hurt the Doyers. I disagree. Benching players is an important part of the game because it has always been this way so of course it’s right. Duh. If I was the manager of every major league baseball team, there would be a number of players I would bench.
Yadier Molina
- You’re always messing around during the game. Why are you the only player sitting down while all the other ones are standing up like adults? YOU’VE BEEN:
Hanley Ramirez
- You accidentally nonchalantly kicked a baseball 5 years ago which is completely unacceptable. This isn’t soccer, bro. Get it together. YOU’VE BEEN:
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Head & Shoulders Above Realistic Baseball
Last week, I examined the majestic Microsoft tablet commercial that featured two of the most confused baseball scouts you could ever possibly dream up, as well as two general managers that love imaginary statistics. You can read my #analysis of that brilliant masterpiece by clicking here.
There’s another baseball inspired commercial that’s rather well known around the interwebz and that is the Head & Shoulders commercial starring The The Angels Angels of Anaheim’s two overpaid superstars: Straight-edge lefty C.J. Wilson and The Second Coming of Christ, Josh Hamilton.
I’ll admit, this one isn’t nearly as bad as the Microsoft one. This commercial is also only about 15 seconds so there wasn’t as much time for things to go horribly wrong. But it’s almost as fun to over-analyze so I’m gonna go ahead and do that. Here’s the commercial:
Frame by frame. LET’S DO THIS.
Spectacular opening. Our two demigods gracefully enter the shot with glorious heads of hair. There is an extremely derpy teammate in the background who is wearing number 13. There is no number 13 on the Angels, and definitely no one that looks like that…okay maybe if someone shrunk Jered Weaver and punched him in the face. This could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure lockers in the clubhouse are alphabetical. Clearly they attempted to portray this by placing a mysterious “White” to the left of Wilson…but they also went ahead and squeezed Josh Hamilton’s locker right between them. Simply reprehensible. Also keep in mind that this is clearly THE ANGELS’ CLUBHOUSE.
Hamilton continues to stare at us. Wilson explains that Head & Shoulders and Old Spice are now together. IN THE SAME BOTTLE. C.J, is also clearly winking at someone attractive to his left. I am 100% sure it’s Mike Trout. If you look behind Hamilton, we see another clear bottle of Head & Shoulders in Wilson’s locker. Did C.J. just STEAL Josh’s bottle?!? Does C.J. have 2bottles? Just not sure why they felt the need to product place another bottle of the same thing when Mr. Wilson is clearly showing us the bottle and then
BAM. Super HD close up of the bottle. C.J. seems to have placed it down in someone else’s locker that only consists of 2towels, a helmet, and some wristbands. It’s almost definitely either the first or third base coach’s locker. Not sure why Dino Ebel or Alfredo Griffin needs a bottle of Head & Shoulders but whatever.
Hamilton emerges from the dugout without his hat because duh. Derpy midget Not Jered Weaver hustles out to his mysterious position. Josh tells us that this mystical shampoo allows him to be 100% flake-free which is clearly helping his plate discipline. An unknown member of the Angels bench is checking Not Jered Weaver’s ass.
Ryan Braun’s Actual Apology Letter
Earlier today CFB did some digging into the Ryan Braun scandal. Here is the original first draft we found in Braun’s apartment.
Dear Mom Fellow Players The World,
I am really really sorry for what I did. I know it was wrong for me to take durgs. PED’s aren’t just the first three letters in the word pedophile, they are bad durgs that are awesome harmful to the human body.
To all the hot girls kids: I’m sorry I let you down. The world should be a place where kids can trust the players they look up to and I am sorry that I fucked messed that up for you.
To my teammates: Thanks for stabbing me in the back sticking by my side when things got rough. It’s good to know that I always have a great bed clubhouse to fall back on.
A Journey Into the Mind of Heath Bell
This past Saturday night, Heath Bell blew his seventh save of the season. His catastrophic outings have spawned #TheHeathBellExperience and the baseball internet just loves to bash him on a seemingly nightly basis. But what’s his side of the story?
Here is a brief journey into the mind of Heath Bell.
“Welp, another day, another four runs allowed. Might as well wear a questionable graphic t-shirt and take a selfie in an elevator”
“Really? You’ve got a two run lead with the heart of the order coming up and you’re bringing ME in? Hilarious.”
“haha I’m a baseball pitcher”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BASES ARE LOADED AND NOBODY’S OUT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
Dumb GM Puns, Day: Jack ZZ Top
For the next 30 days, we will be doing a series of bad puns about MLB GM’s. There are 30 GM’s so that’s why it’s 30 days…duh. Each dumb pun will be accompanied by a bad Photoshop.
JACK ZZ TOP
Episode 5: College and Chimmichangas
COLLEGE DUDES. So we went to college and we decided that on the first saturday afternoon of college there was nothing better to do than to do a baseball podcast. Lucky for you we created this bad boy right here. We talk to Al Chimmichanga of clevelandfan.com and dietribe.com because we wanted to. We touched on other things like the little league world series and Jake’s chances of making the varsity baseball team. Musical guests are Jose Lima and Kevin Goldstein.
iTunes link: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/cespedes-family-barbecue-cespedes/id683535357
2013 NBA Draft Recap, Probably
We were out at the Hagerstown Suns game all night, so I have absolutely no clue what happened in the national ballbasket draft, but based on my past knowledge of the sport, I’ll recap the night’s exciting action the best I can. Even if I have no clue who was taken by who when where why what which whatever.
THE PICKS
THE FIRST PICK – 6″7 Athletic Player From Marginally Impressive University
- INSTANT ANALYSIS: Exciting player with impressive wingspan; plenty of upside; plays basketball; has good relationship with his parents; can dunk; knows how to win; plays the game the right way; has a nice smile; this is an upside play; fantastic athlete; can do a lot of things with the basketball; huge potential
THE SECOND PICK – Fun To Watch Undersized Guard Who Made A Lot Of Big Shots For Big School
- INSTANT ANALYSIS: Wow; wow!; whoa; he is fun; makes big shots; he is probably not taller than 5″10 but he has a big heart; wow, he is so fun to watch; he once took 67 shots in one game; he did that thing in that tournament with that basketball; fun to watch
THE THIRD PICK – Incredibly Caucasian Seven-Footer Who Looks Awkward But Is Seven Feet Tall
- INSTANT ANALYSIS: Gamer; enjoys basketball; has work to do offensively; can block some shots; is white; is not black; not noticeably athletic; solid defender; we will see how his game translates to the NBA; has long arms because he is tall; his game will not translate to the NBA; is white
THE FOURTH PICK – Mysterious Lanky European Whose Name Would Be Automatic Victory In Scrabble
- INSTANT ANALYSIS: We don’t know; he is athletic; can dunk; he can dunk; did you see that dunk?; look at that dunk; has attractive girlfriend; will stay in Europe because reasons; enjoys gyros; has averaged 4.3 points per game but is definitely a top prospect; is somewhere between the ages of 14 and 23; hates airplanes; will never actually come to the United States
THE FIFTH PICK – That Guy Who Has Overcome So Much To Get To This Point, Wow, How Inspirational
- INSTANT ANALYSIS: Incredible story; he has come so far; his background is tragic; he started from the bottom; grew up without one parent; grew up in a bad neighborhood; unclear if he can play basketball but wow, he has come so far; amazing makeup; loves the game; great story; did we mention the adversity he has faced?; can dribble; needs a haircut
CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 