Worth every penny. 

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Dez Monge Endings
2. LF Mat Choice
3. 3B Heaven Lawn Gory Ah
4. RF Benzo Bris
5. DH Racist Mullet
6. SS You Knee Hell Sex Co.  Bar
7. 1B Chain Sloan Lee
8. C Hose E’m Oil Ina
9. 2B Kaylie Jones On

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Day Vid Pries
2. Germany Hellish Son
3. My Tamor
4. Al Licks Cop
5. Rob Hurt O’Hernia Andies

CLOSER: Fur Nanny Dough Rod Knee

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Brought back the racist.

But hey, they stole Wil Myers!

Way too much pitching.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Evan Longoria

• He’s just a generally awesome dude who happens to showcase his superhuman abilities every once in a while, as shown above. His lackadaisical batting stance is a joy to watch, and his defensive skillz are remarkable. He, along with Troy Tulowitzki, are incredible baseball players that get hurt too often to maintain the average fan’s belief that they’re elite. But they are. And they were teammates at Long Beach State. How was that even fair?

***

State of the Farm:

• Well, they robbed Wil Myers, Jake Odorizzi and whatever is left of Mike Montgomery from the Royals. That was a good start. The rest of this system is pretty eh besides two cathedral ceiling arms. Let’s start with who they got from KC. Wil Myers is just an all around great hitting prospect who mashed in Triple-A last year and is ready to go. He’s got easy plus power with a plus hit tool and a great arm in right field. It’s simple, but he’s gonna be a good player for a long time. Jake Odorizzi is a righty with a solid collection of four average to plus pitches. He doesn’t have the sexy ceiling some once thought, but he should stick around in the back end of a rotation for a long time. Mike Montgomery used to be the Royals’ top prospect but has completely lost a lot of his plus-plus velocity as well as any command. He’s a wild card going into 2013 and is most likely going to end up in the bullpen anyway. Chris Archer, acquired in the Matt Garza trade, is a disgustingly sick arm with a nearly criminal slider (that some call the best breaking ball in the minors) and plus-plus velocity from the right side. Most thought he’d be a bullpen arm, but he’s proved capable as a starter thus far and looks to push into the Tampa rotation soon. Taylor Guerrieri, the Rays’ top pick in 2011, has a dangerously dirty fastball/curveball combination with impeccable command. But the fastball velocity has been up and down lately, and needs to stay in the 92-94 range for him to really be dominant. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Jhefferson Hurtado
• RHP Yonny Chirinos
• RHP Yomelbin Almonte
• RHP Kirby Yates
• LHP Joselito Cano
• LHP Frehumar Rivas
• LHP Bruedlin Suero
• DH Kyeong Kang
• C Nohisglin Rivero
• C Jesus Trinidad
• 1B Iago Januario
• 2B Adderly Rosa
• 2B Juniel Querecuto
• 3B Leopoldo Correa
• SS Enneider Torres
• SS Raybell Mella
• OF Edduin Aray
• OF Jiminson Natera
• OF Eskarlin Vasquez

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Taylor Guerrieri’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• After getting possessed by Satan, GM Andrew Friedman adds the Devil back into Devil Rays.
• The Astros switch to the AL heightens the rivalry between Tropicana Field and Minute Maid Park; renamed The Juice Bowl.
• Ben Zobrist plays all 10 positions in the same game including doggy style.

This season’s goal.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF Marlin Marty
2. 2B Kneel Whacker
3. CF And Shroom Hick Hutching
4. 3B Paid Row Ovaries
5. 1B Karen Joans
6. C Rust Elm Art Tin
7. RF Trap His Cider
8. SS Clit Barns

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Age Burn It
2. Wand A-Rod Rig Heads
3. James Smack Donald
4. G. Flock
5. G. Fuck Arse Tins

CLOSER: Jay’s Song Really

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Jonathan Sanchez?

I don’t know what they’re thinking.

Russell Martin, though.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Andrew McCutchen

• When you cling on to hope in regards to high ceiling centerfield prospects, this is why. Cutch has established himself as one of the most exciting players in baseball. He frolics through the grassy pastures of PNC park with his luscious dreadlocks blowing in the breeze.  

***

State of the Farm:

Now we obviously have to be cautious because the Pirates track record of drafting and developing talent is horrendous…but this system is pretty stacked. 22 year old right-hander Gerrit Cole is absolutely everything you want in a pitching prospect; an unquestionably elite fastball that sits in the 97-100 range, a wipeout slider that reaches 92, and an effective change-up that he can throw for strikes in the upper 80’s. He’s THAT power pitcher that you want to build your team around, and he should be ready to go before the end of the 2013 season. Jameson Taillon isn’t far behind. He also possesses a fantastic fastball in the 95-97 range with a hammer curveball that some call the best in the minors. And he’s only 21. Luis Heredia is an 18 year old with a fantastically advanced feel for pitching and the size (6″6, 210) to hold up as a starter throughout his potentially lengthy developmental process. The high-end offensive talent is plentiful as well. Outfielders Josh Bell and Gregory Polanco had opposite seasons in the 2012. The power hitting Bell was injured and lost a lot of his prospect hype that came with signing for 5 million bucks in the second round back in 2011. Polanco shot up prospect lists, showing all five tools and the ability to stick in center field. They, along with infielder Alen Hanson, will look to improve their status as top tier prospects this upcoming season. There is a ton of exciting talent. Let’s hope they don’t screw it up.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Arquimedes Lorenzo
• RHP Luylli Miranda
• RHP Dovydas Neverauskas
• RHP Bryton Trepagnier
• C Deybi Garcia
• C Kawika Emsley-Pai
• 2B Jodaneli Cavajal
• SS D.J. Crumlich
• SS Gift Ngoepe
• SS Enyel Vallejo
• SS Bealyn Chourio
• OF Tito Polo
• OF Yunelky Adames
• OF Yunior Aquiles
• OF Yomifer Polanco

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Jameson Taillon’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• In an attempt to relate to team history, the Pirates pick up Captain Jack Sparrow off waivers.
• A.J. Burnett gets a tattoo of himself pooping on a Yankee logo.
• The Pirates lose to the Reds in their last game of the season on a Manny Burriss walk-off grand slam in the 17th inning off of emergency pitcher Clint Barmes. They finish 80-82.

Dudeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. RF Enigma Cake Is
2. LF Nay T-Mac Louse 
3. CF A Damn Joan’s
4. C My Tweeters
5. 1B Christavis
6. SS J. Jarred E.
7. DH Knoll and Dry Mold
8. 3B Man Knee My Shadow
9. 2B Brain Robbers

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Chase On Amble
2. Weigh In Chin
3. Mick Hell Gun Souls
4. Jay Carry Eta
5. Crystal Man

CLOSER: Gym Josh Shun and Paid Roast Trope

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

They brought back McLouth.

That’s about it. No, really.

Please bring up Bundy.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Nate McLouth

I guess we just don’t know why he’s still in the league. It’s hard to comprehend that the Orioles seriously can’t find another player to start in the outfield. McLouth certainly had his peak; he lead the league with 46 doubles in 2008 as a Pirate, and finished 27th in MVP voting! 27th! But in the end, I think we all can sympathize with the Yankees fan in the .gif below:

***

State of the Farm:

This is about as top heavy as it gets. They have what is probably the best tandem of arm in any system besides maybe Pittsburgh (Cole/Taillon) in Dylan Bundy and Kevin Gausman. They’ve got an infielder named Jonathan Schoop whose last name doesn’t actually rhyme with poop. They’ve got projectable lefty Eduardo Rodriguez and…that’s about it. Machado graduated early, so let’s just talk about Bundy and Gausman! Dylan Bundy is the best pitching prospect in the minor leagues. He has a near elite curveball, a plus-plus curveball which you will see below, a rapidly improving change-up and and 80 grade cutter that the Orioles aren’t even allowing him to throw. He has elite pitchability and a ridiculous feel for the craft at the tender age of 20. At Low-A Delmarva, he struck out 40 batters over 30 innings, while only allowing 5 hits. 2 walks and zero runs. Simply unfair. Bundy’s only knock is his size; he’s only 6″0. Gausman doesn’t have that problem. A projectable 6″4, Gausman combines ideal size with incredible stuff that has improved even since signing with the Orioles last summer out of LSU. A devastating change-up on the back of a fastball that he can run up to triple digits, Gausman has everything you want in a front-line starter. He also likes donuts. These two should front the BLOLtimore rotation for many years to come.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yeizer Marrugo
• RHP Janser Severino
• C Dan Pellegrino
• C Steel Russell
• DH Paolo Pezzarossi
• 2B Creede Simpson
• 3B Ronarsy Ledesma
• 3B Torsten Boss
• 3B Zealous Wheeler
• SS Jacniel Cabrera
• SS Jonathan Schoop
• SS Garabez Rosa
• OF Oswill Lartiguez
• OF L.J. Hoes
• OF Rockny Martinez
• OF Rochendrick Alexander

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over (ZOMG BUNDY’S CURVEBALL EDITION):

***

Predictions:

• Brian Roberts hurts himself.
• Mark Reynolds’ strikeouts count for the Orioles even though he’s gone.
• Buck Showalter smiles.
• L.J. hoes… and weeds his garden.
• The Orioles are this year’s Orioles who were last year’s Diamondbacks who were this year’s A’s.

Twitter Loves the Cardinals…?

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Jonge A.
2. RF Carl O. Svelte Tron
3. LF Mah Tall E. Day
4. 1B Al N. Cray
5. C Audi Air Mo Lina
6. 3B Mah Tarp Enter
7. 2B Dan Eldest Calzone
8. SS Pee T’Coz Ma

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. A Damn Rain Right
2. High Meager C. Ah
3. Jay Caw Hest Book
4. Lanslin
5. Shell Beam Ill Her

CLOSER: Jay’s Son Moat

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Extended Wainwright.

Also Allen Craig…but why?

They don’t miss Pujols.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Pete Kozma

I’m just gonna leave this here…

***

State of the Farm:

It’s quite simply the best system in the game, and it’s not particularly close. They possess the best pure hitting prospect in the minors in Oscar Taveras. Oscar is a freak with a swing more violent than Bryce Harper and the ability to barrel up any ball even close to the strike zone. The plus raw power has started to show up in games too, making him a legit threat to win batting titles and hit 30 bombs in the near future. Keep Calm and Oscar On. On the pitching side, they’ve got ridiculous arms coming from every direction. Shelby Miller is ready to roll to start the year, with three plus pitches and the ideal body of a major league workhorse. Trevor Rosenthal throws 100 MPH and oh by the way, he can probably start. Carlos Martinez weighs 73 lbs but also throws 100 MPH because Cardinals. Michael Wacha was a steal for St. Louis at the 19th pick of the 2012 draft, and he should be ready to contribute sometime this year with his advanced feel for pitching and excellent change-up. They’re also loaded with high-ceiling lottery ticket arms like Tyrell Jenkins. Second baseman Kolten Wong is ready to hit now and should be replacing Daniel Descalso anyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy minute now. Oh and they also have two very impressive third base prospects in Carson Kelly and Patrick Wisdom because why the hell not? Mozeliak’s got a monster of a farm.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Samuel Tuivailala
• RHP Fidencio Flores
• RHP Norge Paredes
• LHP Max Foody
• LHP Iden Nazario
• C Gerwuins Velazco
• C Steve Bean
• 1B Jem Argenal
• 1B Xavier Scruggs
• 2B Robelys Reyes
• 2B Breyvic Valera
• 2B Ildemaro Vargas
• SS Leobaldo Pina
• SS Kenneth Peoples-Walls
• OF Dutch Deol
• OF Bladimil Franco
• OF Adron Chambers

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Oscar Taveras Swinging A Baseball Bat

***

Predictions:

• Shelby Miller reveals to the world that Shelby is indeed a girl’s name and that he, Shelby Miller, is indeed a female.
• Matt Adams eats something.
• The dugout at Busch Stadium continues to wreak of Tony LaRussa’s buttsweat.
• The Cardinals’ prospects come to the major league level to make major league impacts in a major league way. Major. League.

This is what Jordan looked like while watching the Rockies in 2012. 

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Dex Turf Owl Her
2. 2B D’ga Strut Ledge
3. LF Carl O’Saigon Saul Ez
4. SS Toy Tool O’Witzki
5. RF My Caulk A Drier
6. 1B Toe Dell Ton
7. C Will In Row Sorry O
8. 3B Kri Snell Son

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Yo Lease Joshin
2. Whore Hay D. L. R. Hose Ah
3. One Nische Asshole
4. Jefrances
5. Jong R Land

CLOSER: Rabbi L. Button Cord

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Just gets worse and worse.

Hired a high school coach? Wow.

Why, Jon Garland, why?

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Dexter Fowler

We all love athletic center fielders. Dexter, unlike Cameron Maybin, is actually starting to put it all together. And he switch hits. And his wife is super attractive. And he’s young. And he’s just a fun player to watch. Basically, go read our birthday post for him by clicking here.

***

State of the Farm:

Who is Nolan Arenado? Is he a regular? Is he an all-star? Is he dancer? If he can put together a good season, it doesn’t matter because the Rockies are going to suck regardless. David Dahl has a chance to be a stud, but he’s still years away. We’re just looking forward to repeating “Morning Glory, Trevor Story” over and over and over. Tyler Matzek has the stuff to be a #2 starter, but the command and control of a blind kindergartner. If he can find his control he could get back on the prospect radar, but he could just as easily never make the majors. Chad Bettis is a future reliever with plus-plus velocity, a nasty slider, and an 80 grade injury history. Rosell Herrera is a huge 20 year old switch-hitting “shortstop” with big power from the left side and a questionable defensive profile.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Johendi Jiminian
• RHP Jhonriz Santana
• RHP Huascar Brazoban
• RHP Vianney Mayo
• RHP Kurt Yacko
• LHP Isaiah Froneberger
• C Hamlet Marte
• 1B Correlle Prime
• 1B Kiel Roling
• 3B Matt Argyropoulos
• OF Raimel Tapia
• OF Kyle Von TungeIn
• OF Delta Cleary Jr.

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Chad Bettis’ Slider

***

Predictions:

• In an attempt to revive the franchise, the Rockies undergo a name change and become the Colorado Purple-Nurples.
• Coors Field gets its own Nickelodeon show titled Humadora the Explorer.
• Due in part to the new Colorado law legalizing recreational marijuana, the Rockies lose over 110 games as no one on the team can remember where they put their glove. 

ALL the Racism

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. SS Anne Drell Towns Him Owns
2. RF Jay-Z On Wayward
3. LF Jizz Tin Uptown
4. 1B Fret E. Flea Man
5. CF Bee Dre Uptown
6. C Brine Mackin’
7. 2B Da Nuggler
8. 3B Wand Fan Cisco

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Ti Mudson
2. Christ Meddling
3. My Camine R.
4. Palm All Em
5. Who Leo Tron

CLOSER: Cray Grimble

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

The Upton Brothers.

Unfortunately, no Kate.

But Juan Francisco!

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Andrelton Simmons/The Entire Outfield

• Oh man oh man oh man, so much to love here. Andrelton is a CFB favorite for mostly indescribable reasons, but mainly it’s the fact that he’s the best defensive shortstop in the world already and oh by the way he’s from Curacao and yeah his name is ANDRELTON SIMMONS. 80 grade arm, 80 grade glove, 80 grade smile, 80 grade everything. We love him, and so should you. The 2013 #BARVES outfield is basically that custom team you make in MLB: The Show when you want all the awesome black players except it’s real. Two Uptons and 23 year old Jason Heyward create what is probably the best defensive outfield and the outfield with the highest offensive potential in the entire league. It’s awesome, and even if they under-perform, you’ll gonna wanna have your mlb.tv switched to the Atlanta game as much as possible.  

***

State of the Farm:

• It’s amazing how little they gave up to get Justin Upton, but that’s not to say they had very much high end talent to give away to begin with. Julio Teheran has seemingly been the top right handed pitching prospect in the minors for years now, but he’s yet to yield exciting major league results. He’s still only 23, and if he can find a passable breaking ball, he can still develop into a number 2 starter at least. Mauricio Cabrera is the arm on the rise in this system, combining plus-plus heavy velocity with an advanced change-up and prototypical size. Christian Bethancourt is a catcher with arguably the best arm strength in the minors. The bat is lagging way behind the defensive wizardry, so he’s got some work to do. J.R. Graham is an undersized righty with a big arsenal and a surprising potential to stick in a rotation despite what looks like a bullpen profile. He’s got a plus-plus fastball and a very good slider to go along with an improving change-up.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Magdiel Avendano
• RHP Christian Barczykowski
• RHP Ignacio Geronimo
• RHP Wirfin Obispo
• LHP Oriel Caicedo
• LHP Dimasther Delgado
• 3B Mike Dodig
• 3B Juruengelo Tielman
• OF Iosif Bernal
• OF Nisandro Cleofa

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

***

Predictions:

• Andrelton quits halfway through the season to pursue his destined career.
• Usher writes a song about the entire Braves outfield.
• Freddie Freeman finally get adopted by that perfect family he’s been waiting for.
• The #BARVES win the wild card, but are disappointed to learn that it is useless in a game of Uno.

$2,000,000,000 Smile

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. SS Hand Leroy Mirrors
2. 2B Mar Kill Us
3. CF Mack Hemp
4. 1B Aid Ree Angle Saul Is
5. RF Hand Ray Ether
6. LF Kyle Cough Turd
7. 3B Loose Crews
8. C A Jealous

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Clay Tanker Shaw
2. Zag Cranky
3. Ja Sha’beck It
4. Injun Rue
5. Risk A Poo No

CLOSER: Brain Donnelley Guh

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Infinite money.

At least, so far. Who is Puig?

He’s not Bo Jackson.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Matt Kemp

• His beard is perfectly trimmed. His website stylish and innovative. And while his injuries can be crippling, his all around game is absolutely breath taking. He defines the term #newpants. He single handedly stole the show during Bryce Harper’s debut with the most predictable walk-off home run of all time. Matt Kemp has been, is, and always will be a sexy sexy man.

***

State of the Farm:

• The Dodgers have a really expensive enormous Cuban named Yasiel Puig who has already earned ludicrous comparisons to Bo Jackson. It’s a lot to dream on, but he’s already shown an ability to hit far beyond what most scouts were expecting from him right outta the gate. RHP Zach Lee could be prepping for the NFL right now, but the Dodger$ gave him 5 million to sign away from the LSU football team and now he’s their top arm. Corey Seager, Kyle’s younger brother, has a lot of offensive potential from a yet to be determined position that most likely won’t be shortstop. The rest of the top tier of this system is a bunch of arms that throw hard and have a lot of refining to do when it comes to their secondary offerings. It’s a middling system with a few upside plays and a lot of role 5 level talent. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Edinson Bock
• RHP Wascar Teodo
• RHP Jharel Cotton
• RHP Ralston Cash
• RHP Arismendy Ozoria
• LHP Onelki Garcia
• DH Arce Rodriguez
• 1B O’Koyea Dickson
• 2B Delvis Morales
• 2B Jorlin Chales
• SS Faustino Oguisten
• OF Jorky Infante
• OF Abinaer Soriano
• OF Rutinel Sosa
• OF Yasiel Puig

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over (Yasiel Puig Bat Flip Edition):

***

Predictions:

• With so much money to blow, the Dodger$ hop into charity work and make a donation to the Tampa Bay Rays.
• Instead of his usual choice of meat, Yoenis Cespedes roasts a Puig instead.
• The Dodgers finish 2nd in the National League, 5th in the Brandon League, and last in the Justice League.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Dave Is The Jesus
2. SS Star Link Astro
3. 1B And Toe Near Is O.
4. LF Al Fondle So Sore I Owe No
5. RF N.H. Ear Holds
6. 3B Lue Ease Valve Bueno/Joe Shvitters
7. C Wheeling Town Cast Hill Oh
8. 2B Dar Windbar Knee

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. .gif Sam Marge Ah
2. Ed Windex Son
3. Scoot Fooled Moon
4. Trap His Wood
5. Carl Oval New Ava

CLOSER: Carl Owes Marmalade

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Gave Edwin long deal.

The beginning of Theo.

World Series? Good joke.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Starlin  Castro

• He’s just so loose at the plate, with unbelievable bat control to go along with unmatched defensive focus and

…..okay maybe a bit of #slack in the field, but in general, Starlin is awesome. The first player born in the 1990’s to reach the big leagues, Castro is shortstop with a near elite hit tool at the hilariously young age of 23. And yay, the Cubs did something right.

***

State of the Farm:

• This system’s positional prospects rank up there with the best in baseball. Javier Baez is a possible shortstop with terrifying bat speed. While his approach needs refining, his bat speed alone could slay dragons of the highest regard. Albert Almora is one of the most polished centerfielders in the minors. He’s a relatively low risk prospect and has well above average makeup unlike our friend here. The completely unaltered photo above successfully portrays all that is Dan Vogelbach, the “250 lb” first base prospect with enormous raw power and surprisingly impressive hit tool. Vogelbach will have to keep hitting if he wants to even sniff the big leagues, especially being on a National League team where he can’t DH. Cuban Jorge Soler is another high-ceiling outfielder that could be years away. The main problem in this system is that the majority of the high ceiling pitching has been injured at one point or another, leaving a lot to be desired in terms of upper minors pitching depth. Overall, it’s a system with some truly exciting talent that should help the Cubs contend for not winning the World Series again as soon as 2015. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Jesus Baldayaque
• RHP Greyfer Eregua
• RHP Harrinson Bermudez
• RHP Jasvir Rakkar
• RHP Yeiper Castillo
• 1B Rock Shoulders
• 2B Varonex Cuevas
• 2B Gioskar Amaya
• SS Arismendy Alcantara
• SS Junior Lake
• OF Shamil Ubiera
• OF Yasiel Balaguert
• OF Izaac Garsez
• OF Bijan Rademacher
• OF Taiwan Easterling
• OF Matt Szczur
• OF Johermyn Chavez

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Dan Vogelbach’s Bat Flip

***

Predictions:

• Brett Jackson develops an allergy to Ivy.
• Ozzie Guillen comes out and tells the media how much he loves and respects Starlin Castro.
• Theo Epstein trades for the entire 2004 Red Sox roster. Kevin Millar wins MVP and 95 year old Tim Wakefield wins the Cy Young.
• The Chicago Cubs don’t win the 2013 World Series.

Felix.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF My Kills Launders
   
2. 3B Kills Eager
3. DH Ken Reitsma Rallies
4. RF My Kill M. Horse
5. 1B Jizz Tins Mocha
6. C G. Zeus Mt. Arrow
7. 2B Dust Enact Lee
8. CF Frank Lingo-Tears
9. SS Bread Hand, Dry Hand

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Feels, Licks Her Nanas
2. Joe’s And Hers
3. His Sashimi Wok Yuma
4. Play Cub Even
5. Brain Down More

CLOSER: Tom Will Help Some

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Felix forever.

That’s all that really matters.

Oh, and Jason Bay.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Felix Hernandez

• Whether he is the actual best pitcher in the world is somewhat of a debate, but watching King Felix is an experience like no other. He’s Seattle’s heart and soul, and watching him pitch in Safeco with the King’s Court behind him is absolutely breathtaking. It certainly helps that he has one of the most devastating pitches in baseball in his 90 MPH change-up. Felix is now signed with Seattle through the end of this decade, and that just seems right. He has shown an incredible devotion to Seattle throughout his young career and will be there to stay. Also, this happened:

A Perfect Game.

***

State of the Farm:

• It’s all about the pitching depth. Taijuan Walker, Danny Hultzen, James Paxton, Brandon Maurer…the list goes on and on. And that’s just the upper levels. All those guys are close to major league ready, while projectable guys like Brazilian lefty Luiz Gohara (WHO WAS BORN IN 1996 ZOMG), is a long way to go. This system also boasts catcher Mike Zunino, who will most likely end up being the all time leader in Home Runs Hit By A Catcher Whose Last Name Starts With A “Z”. He’s solid defensively, and should hit for well above-average power once he reaches Seattle.  

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Maykel Ynfantes
• RHP Neritzon Osorio
• RHP Thyago Vieira
• RHP Isliexel Gonzalez
• RHP Jochi Ogando
• RHP Frankely Brito
• RHP Mayckol Guaipe
• RHP Forrest Snow
• LHP Rusty Shellhorn
• C Georvic Perez
• C Wei Wang
• 1B Jharmidy De Jesus
• SS Gianfranco Wawoe
• SS Jhonbaker Morales
• OF Estarlyn Morales
• OF Cavan Cahoes
• OF Raysherel Michel
• OF Jamodrick McGruder
• OF Janelfry Zorrilla
• OF Jabari Blash
• OF Kalian Sams

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Taijuan Walker’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• After finding themselves 20 games under .500, the Mariners finally set sail and hit the open sea with reckless abandon. 
• Michael Morse requests a trade after he remembers he is allergic to rain.
• Dustin Ackley gets a perm and Robert Andino gets happier.
• Felix leads the Mariners to even more beautiful mediocrity, as he tears the AL a new one…again.