Category Archives: #analysis

Actually attempting to analyze baseball (imagine that)

Ryan Braun To Sit Out Entire Jewish Holiday Season

by jakemintz

Sandy Koufax and Hank Greenberg are famous for sitting out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish year. Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun is taking it one step further. Not only will Braun sit out on Yom Kippur, he will sit out both days of Rosh Hashanah, the first two days of Sukkot, Simchat Torah, and every single Shabbat until the season ends.

“I’ve had a hard year,” says Braun, who was wrapped up in Major League Baseball’s Biogenesis controversy. “I think that sitting out for the Jewish Holidays this year is the right thing to do.”

5773 has been a real tough year for Braun. He has lost the trust of his fans, his teammates, and most importantly, the Jewish community. He believes that by observing the Jewish holiday season he will be able to reconnect with his people.

“I haven’t been acting like myself this year. I’ve been nothing more than a schmuck; a real embarrassment to my fans, the Jewish people, and especially my Bubbie. I want to reconnect with my Jewish roots.”

Last year the Brewers were in the thick of the wild card race and Braun made the decision to play on Yom Kippur. A decision he says he regrets.

“PED’s weren’t the only mistake I made last year. Playing on Yom Kippur really got the year started off in a bad way. I hope to have a fresh start this fall.”

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What Do Those Acronyms Really Stand For?

by jakemintz

Baseball is full of acronyms. Everywhere you look, be it a box score, stadium, or Baseball Prospectus, you see acronyms. These acronyms have meaning to us because we know what they stand for. Those three or four or five letters, when strung together, bring to life a particular image in our head.

But what if they didn’t? What if a baseball writer, let’s call him… Thug Doorburn, had an accident and got amnesia? What would these acronyms come to mean to Thug? How would Thug approach this random alphabet soup? I think it would go a little something like this……

Stat: ERA

What We Think: Earned Run Average

What Thug Thinks: Everyone’s Real Age

Thought Process: “Well, these players have ages” Thug will ponder to himself at night alone on his floral pattern couch. “But are they the real ages….?” Good point, Thug. Good point.

Calculations: Player 1’s Age + Player 2’s age + Player 3’s age…….

League Leader: N/A. This is more of a league wide stat.

Stat: BABIP

What We Think: Batting Average on Balls In Play

What Thug Thinks: Balls that Are Bunted plus Infield Popups

Thought Process: Thug will watch maddeningly as players waste outs with useless bunts. He will realize that the only way to fix this dilemma is to add those bunts to popups to show everyone all the useless outs.

Calculations: It’s pretty self explanatory. 

League Leader: Probably either Elvis Andrus or Pete Kozma

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Head & Shoulders Above Realistic Baseball

by Jordan Shusterman

Last week, I examined the majestic Microsoft tablet commercial that featured two of the most confused baseball scouts you could ever possibly dream up, as well as two general managers that love imaginary statistics. You can read my #analysis of that brilliant masterpiece by clicking here.

There’s another baseball inspired commercial that’s rather well known around the interwebz and that is the Head & Shoulders commercial starring The The Angels Angels of Anaheim’s two overpaid superstars: Straight-edge lefty C.J. Wilson and The Second Coming of Christ, Josh Hamilton.

I’ll admit, this one isn’t nearly as bad as the Microsoft one. This commercial is also only about 15 seconds so there wasn’t as much time for things to go horribly wrong. But it’s almost as fun to over-analyze so I’m gonna go ahead and do that. Here’s the commercial:

Frame by frame. LET’S DO THIS.

1

Spectacular opening. Our two demigods gracefully enter the shot with glorious heads of hair. There is an extremely derpy teammate in the background who is wearing number 13. There is no number 13 on the Angels, and definitely no one that looks like that…okay maybe if someone shrunk Jered Weaver and punched him in the face. This could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure lockers in the clubhouse are alphabetical. Clearly they attempted to portray this by placing a mysterious “White” to the left of Wilson…but they also went ahead and squeezed Josh Hamilton’s locker right between them. Simply reprehensible. Also keep in mind that this is clearly THE ANGELS’ CLUBHOUSE.

2

Hamilton continues to stare at us. Wilson explains that Head & Shoulders and Old Spice are now together. IN THE SAME BOTTLE. C.J, is also clearly winking at someone attractive to his left. I am 100% sure it’s Mike Trout. If you look behind Hamilton, we see another clear bottle of Head & Shoulders in Wilson’s locker. Did C.J. just STEAL Josh’s bottle?!? Does C.J. have 2bottles? Just not sure why they felt the need to product place another bottle of the same thing when Mr. Wilson is clearly showing us the bottle and then

3

BAM. Super HD close up of the bottle. C.J. seems to have placed it down in someone else’s locker that only consists of 2towels, a helmet, and some wristbands. It’s almost definitely either the first or third base coach’s locker. Not sure why Dino Ebel or Alfredo Griffin needs a bottle of Head & Shoulders but whatever.

4

Hamilton emerges from the dugout without his hat because duh. Derpy midget Not Jered Weaver hustles out to his mysterious position. Josh tells us that this mystical shampoo allows him to be 100% flake-free which is clearly helping his plate discipline. An unknown member of the Angels bench is checking Not Jered Weaver’s ass.

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Benching In Baseball

by jakemintz

Yasiel Puig got benched the other day for being late to the ballpark. His coach sat him down for “the good of the team.” The Twittersphere is up in arms about how Puig’s benching was a pointless act that hurt the Doyers. I disagree. Benching players is an important part of the game because it has always been this way so of course it’s right. Duh. If I was the manager of every major league baseball team, there would be a number of players I would bench.

Yadier Molina

  • You’re always messing around during the game. Why are you the only player sitting down while all the other ones are standing up like adults? YOU’VE BEEN:

Hanley Ramirez

  • You accidentally nonchalantly kicked a baseball 5 years ago which is completely unacceptable. This isn’t soccer, bro. Get it together. YOU’VE BEEN:

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#SCOUTING Through the Eyes of Microsoft

by Jordan Shusterman

Before I begin to dissect what might be the greatest commercial in baseball internet history, I just wanted to apologize for the severe lack of content on my end here at CFB. I’ve been sorta busy but there isn’t really any excuse and I also realize it totally doesn’t matter considering most of y’all only read our stupid tweets but yeah. We’re gonna have a post early next week about what CFB is gonna be once we’re both in college and trying to get an education, but for now we’re gonna try to “produce” a few stupid things over the next few days.

ANYWAY.

A few months ago, Microsoft came out with this advertisement to promote their new tablet, the Microsoft Surface, as a legit competitor for the iPad. Here it is:

Hopefully this isn’t the first time you’ve watched it, but whatever. I’ve now watched it about 20 times and I am prepared to ask a lot of questions.

1

Okay, the scene is set. There is a left-handed pitcher throwing to a catcher while a guy who is probably his coach is out there right next to the mound watching him. There are a few other players in the outfield. This seems to be a college field or some other amateur level. If this is a game, or even pre-game warm ups, why is the coach out there at all? Okay, let’s just move on.

2

Oh god. As the catcher receives the ball, we get a glimpse of what this scene is really about. Two questionably dressed men on the left holding two different types of tablet. Oh, and a nice black gentleman in a track suit with a radar gun. Mr. Track Suit doesn’t seem to be doing anything with his radar gun readings, as his other hand is just chillin’ in his pocket. The only two spectators behind home plate seem to be washed up players who do not want to be at this game.

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Players Who Took Steroids

by jakemintz

There is a problem with baseball. It’s not the new CBA. It’s not the Angels bullpen, and it’s not even the fact that there is an alleged rapist pitching for the Tampa Bay Rays. No, the enormous problem with baseball right now is durgs. Here are some buzzwords you need to know about durgs.

Buzz Word: BIOGENESIS

  • Biogenesis is a group of scientists working together to uncover biological secrets from the bible.

Buzz Word: HGH

  • HGH obviously stands for Hugh Grant’s Head which can be found by clicking here. What this has to do with steroids eludes me.

Buzz Word: 50 Game Suspension

  • When rappers 50 Cent and The Game are kept in suspense by the rap community about their feud.

Those were some buzz words that hopefully made the steroid issue more clear. Now let’s take a look at some players who must have taken steroids. I will provide photo evidence. These players are scoundrels and cheats and must be removed from the sport. They are slimeballs and poopyheads as well.

Miguel Cabrera

Cabrera on the left is from 1999 and Cabrera on the right is from this year. Notice how much bigger Cabrera on the right looks. Taking into account his growth in face fat and add that to the ridiculous year he’s having, it’s pretty much obvious that Cabrera is using some sort of illegal durgs.

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This Is An Octavio Dotel Appreciation Post

by jakemintz

For those of you that don’t know, Octavio Dotel is awesome. I felt like it was time to let the world know that Mr. Dotel is a savior, a superhero, and a saint. So buckle up, latch in, and get ready because this is about to be a doozy.

Octavio Dotel Has Played For 13 Teams

This segment of Dotel’s legacy has been well documented. The sheer fact that a major league baseball player played for thirteen years is absurd, let alone thirteen teams. I bet the random guy on the street can’t even name thirteen teams. “What is a Rockies?” he would say.

To put the number thirteen in perspective; so you know how it feels like Casper Wells is on a new team every week? Well Casper Wells has played for only five teams, and if you are good at math you know that’s seven less than Dotel’s thirteen.

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Trade Deadline Grades: Fathers

by jakemintz

Sand Ago Fathers

Players Acquired:

  • Ink Hendy

ANALYSIS:

  • Kennedy has two daughters so this is a move typical of the Padres who are always looking to pick up padres to play for the Padres, you understand compadre?
  • Pitching in Petco means it’ll be much easier for him to pick up supplies for his dog, cat, and three gerbils
  • By going to San Diego, Ian is furthering himself from the career path of his grand uncle John F. Kennedy.

GRADE: 6th

  • You have no idea what you are and neither does anyone else. People keep saying you are a couple of years away but come on, are you really? Probably not. It probably won’t get better for you and you’ll probably just keep picking your nose in class until you turn 35. What does this have to do with baseball? Chicken.

Trade Deadline Grades: Ass Trolls

by jakemintz

Who’s Town Ass Trolls

Players Acquired:

  • Kai Ells Myth
  • Joe Shader
  • L.J. Hoes

ANALYSIS:

  • The Astros are going to have the greatest AAA team of all time in 2016. The citizens of Oklahoma City should get the lube out because it’s going to get hot and heavy.
  • Any time you can pick up hoes, you do it.
  • Did I mention his name is Hoes?
  • Hader is a tall projectable lefty, just like your mom.

GRADE: 11th

  • Get ready for the hardest year of your lives Astros fans. Junior year might be really rough, but don’t worry it gets way better next year. Just tough it out and do your SAT stuff and you’ll be fine.

Trade Deadline Grades: Oreos

by jakemintz

Ball Tomorrow E. Rails

Players Acquired:

  • Blood Nurse

ANALYSIS:

  • The Orioles needed another number three/four type starter because Jason Hammel, Chris Tillman, Wei Yin Chen, Sidney Ponson, Scott Feldman, Miguel Gonzalez, Steve Johnson, and T.J. McFarland weren’t enough…
  • Any time you can dump Hoes, you do it.
  • The problem with Hader was always be that if you make the “d” a “g” it becomes Hager, which is the name of the bad guy from Men In Black. That was what always concerned me.

GRADE: Fourth

  • The Orioles weren’t quite middle school with the move they made today, but they are working on their long division and should be called up to fifth grade by September.