Hate-Watching the 2013 NFL Draft: A Timeline

“Come forth young players of the football, and prepare for thy first concussion.”

***

I don’t watch football anymore. I tried to watch the NFL Draft. This is how it went.

7:47 PM: ESPN cuts away to what is most likely their final commercial before the draft begins. There is an intense montage showcasing three athletic looking humans that I have never seen in my life. One of them is named Geno.

7:52 PM: Mel Kiper is yelling at me about Geno’s mobility. They don’t seem to be listing his home to first time, so it’s hard to say how fast he actually is.

7:57 PM: They’re discussing potential top pick Eric Fisher who is approximately 7″4 and 478 lbs. He apparently plays on the offensive line which I assume is a line of similar 20 grade bodies who only profile at first base.

8:02 PM: Chris Berman seems already be intoxicated and I’m reminded that I know nothing about football anymore. I am delightfully content with this. “It’s as if we’re kicking off the season tonight!”, Berman exclaims. No. Just no.

8:04 PM: Commissioner Roger Goodell gives heartwarming introduction. While attempting to remember the victims of the West, Texas and Boston bombing tragedies, he is booed mercilessly by the drunken ballfoot fans of New York. USA chants break out. What the hell is this?

8:11 PM: Kiper mentions trading down for someone named Ryan Madson. I was almost positive he was on the DL, but maybe he’s draft eligible…? Not sure this would be the best career move for him. While admittedly the role as Angels closer is an intimidating task, entering the League of National Football seems ill-conceived.

8:12 PM: Barkevious Mingo sounds like an awful, awful disease. And is unquestionably straight from Key & Peele.

8:17 PM: The aforementioned unfathomably large Fisher is taken number one overall by the Kansas City Chiefs. It’s nice to be reminded that the #BARVES and the Indians aren’t the only professional teams left offending Native Americans on a daily basis.

8:20 PM: I switch over to the Reds-Nationals game and am instantly more entertained by Bronson Arroyo’s facial hair than anything that has happened in the NFL Draft so far. Bryce Harper doubles down the left field line because duh.

8:31 PM: Berman is yelling random stuff at Kiper and Jon Gruden and they literally don’t know how to respond, resulting in an uncomfortable amount of silence.

8:33 PM: The Raiders trade their pick to the Dolphins for some reason that I don’t care about but man oh man I wish teams could trade draft picks in the MLB draft.

8:35 PM: Miami takes a guy named Dion Jordan who is on the phone in tears and an underwhelming bow-tie. Gruden looks mortified. HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO HIM ?!?!?!?!?! When asked about the trade, Jordan explains to Suzy Kolber “it surprised me, cause it’s my first time”. As opposed to…?

8:43 PM: I’m reminded that a lot of the music played over ESPN football highlights sounds like it’s straight from Mario Kart 64. The E-A-G-L-E-S take another large human named Lane Johnson. Lane’s VIP table in the back includes a young woman with braces (who I can only assume is related to Alcides Escobar) and a short old man with a 70 grade mustache and a cowboy hat.

8:47 PM: Chris Berman compares the draft to playing with Legos. Not sure where to go from here.

8:51 PM: With the fifth pick, The Lions take a guy who is apparently from Ghana named Ezekiel Ansah. He gives who I presume is his mother an extremely slow hug. He has cornrows and is wearing hipster glasses that I’m 83% sure do not have lenses. Wait no, 100% sure. Wow. Apparently he plays football.

8:55 PM: The Cleveland Oranges take Mingo. He looks like a fine upstanding citizen but more importantly HIS NAME IS LITERALLY BARKEVIOUS MINGO. HOW EVEN

9:10 PM: The St. Louis Rams take speedy WR Tavon Austin. Would Tavon be better than Trayvon in center field? These are the vital questions that ESPN fails to ask.

9:17 PM: The Jets are about to draft someone and everyone is going to boo. It’s the excessive pitching change of the NFL Draft.

9:18 PM: The Jets draft someone and everyone boos.

9:27 PM: The Titans, my favorite team as a child (RIP Steve McNair) draft an immense offensive lineman from Alabama who apparently could not find a jersey that fit him during his entire career there. Yay?

9:31 PM: I can’t take it anymore. I’m off to make more Darvish .gifs.

.gifs From Last Night: Yu Darvish Breaks Mike Trout

Apr25 by Jordan Shusterman

Rangers-Angels

First of all, lol.
I’m legitimately unsure how this pitch is even possible coming from a someone that isn’t a bad high school pitcher or Barry Zito by accident.
Watch the guy second from the left of the chyron in the black jacket and black hat. As he sees the pitch drop into Pierzynski’s glove, he turns away slightly as if he just witnessed something literally disgusting.
The umpire clearly took immense pleasure in ringing Trout up on a pitch that looks frighteningly similar to Bugs Bunny’s trickery.

Stay tuned for more Darvish .gifs. Later today, I’ll examine his most vicious attacks on two unfortunate Japanese hitters.

Part 5: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Apr22 by Jordan Shusterman

Click here for Part 4.

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WILLIE AND NEIL PATRICK HARRIS

Can we first just notice that Willie’s bat in that picture has Francisco Cordero’s name on it and discuss the implications of that? How unprepared was Willie for his picture day that he had to get a customized bat from another player that also happens to be a relief pitcher? Like WHAT ?! Anyway, this one is a serious stretch. Interracial is doable when it comes to ATR’s, but once you start measuring career accomplishments, it gets a little foggy. While Neil was named one of Time Magazine’s 100 most influential people in 2010, Willie was busy finishing up his time as a National with an abysmal .653 OPS. The immense difference in overall success between these two is the most telling factor.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 2%

JOHN AND RONALD McDONALD

As usual, the poses are essential in evaluating the connection. John is now with the Pirates, filling the super utility role with #grace and #sparkle. But has John inspired/scared/helped millions of people worldwide? Most definitely not. Ronald has touched kids lives across the nation in more ways that we want to know, and he has the clear edge when it comes to universal impact. In 2003, Ronald was given the “Chief Happiness Officer” of McDonald’s Corporation. Also in 2003, John slugged .280 as an Indian. Yeah, no.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 9%

BRANDON AND THE LINGERIE FOOTBALL LEAGUE

Do we really need to debate this? I guess it’s a bit hard to comprehend that Brandon is related to every single shameless girl that plays in this league. But as a whole, this is as clear as ever. Brandon is that crazy reliever with the crazier tattoos and the craziest hair. The Lingerie Football League is that crazy league with the crazier football and the craziest rules. Case closed.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 99.99999%

These Cleats Are Made For Walking: An Update

Apr22 by Jordan Shusterman

Happy Monday, everybody. We’re three weeks into the season. Here’s a fun stat that means almost nothing:

Through a total of 598 plate appearances, Welington Castillo, Carlos Gomez, A.J. Pollock, Chris Getz, Rajai Davis, Erick Aybar, Rick Ankiel, Collin Cowgill, Erik Kratz, Daniel Descalso, Dayan Viciedo, Ryan Flaherty and Jeff Keppinger have combined for an astoundingly hilarious ZERO WALKS.

We’ll check back in again next Monday.

What Has Changed About Chris Davis ?

Apr19 by Jordan Shusterman

This past January, Baseball Prospectus’ Sam Miller explored the possibility of former Orioles slugger Mark Reynolds having a very unfortunate visual deficiency. It got me thinking.

Baltimore Orioles first baseman/designated hitter/occasional disastrous right fielder Chris Davis is off to an unbelievable start to the 2013 season. Through 14 games and 58 humble plate appearances, Davis is slugging a comical .784 with 20 RBI and 6 dingers. In 2011, split between Texas and Baltimore, Davis drove in 18 runs and hit 5 dingers over 210 plate appearances. Last year, he broke out in a full season with the O’s, blasting 33 home runs and driving in 85. He’s always had big time raw power, but it’s never translated to this extent. So what changed? What has changed about Chris Davis that has turned him into a true middle-of-the-order threat?

It had to be something subtle, I pondered. He hasn’t developed a new approach or magically acquired improved hand-eye coordination to help reduce the strikeouts. I believe Chris Davis has actually eliminated a part of his game in order to improve his performance.

After nearly a full 10 minutes of research, I’ve concluded that Chris Davis has decided to stop blinking. It seems hard to comprehend, but the evidence is overwhelming. Let’s take a look back at Davis’ days as a Texas Ranger.

Here are some conveniently timed screenshots of Chris Davis participating in interviews as a Ranger:

Here is Chris Davis blinking, or being a pervert:

Here is Chris Davis blinking in front of his locker (notice his abysmal numbers through 45 games):

Here is a frustrated Chris Davis blinking:

Here is Chris Davis blinking after hitting a home run:

Here is Chris Davis probably blinking:

***

So we’ve identified the problem. Has Davis really fixed this horrendous flaw in his game?

Here is Chris Davis not blinking as two female fans admire his biceps:

Here is Chris Davis showcasing his new and improved eternal stare:

Here is Chris Davis not blinking while being interviewed during spring training:

Here is Chris Davis shirtless and still not blinking:

“You thought I was gonna blink, right? Wrong.”

I rest my case, your honor.

The Result of Watching A Tigers-Mariners Game at 1:45 AM

Apr18 by Jordan Shusterman

Andy Dirks?

more like

ANDY DERPS

BAM

I should really go to sleep.

PART 3: The Best of International Baseball Nomenclature

Mar18 by Jordan Shusterman

Click here for Part 2.

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COUNTRY: Panama

No available image online (he probably doesn’t exist)

Player: RHP Euclides Bethancour

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERCLERDERS BERTHERNCER

CFB Name: Youk Lids Beth Anchor

Name Unscrambled: Seduce Centaur

Player: IF Ashley Ponce

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERSHLER PERNC

CFB Name: A Sheep Once

Name Unscrambled: Leash Cone

Player: OF Jahdiel Santamaria

ERMAHGERD Translation: JERDERL SERNTERMAHRER

CFB Name: Chawed Hell Santa Mario

Name Unscrambled: Jailed Samaritan

***

COUNTRY: The Philippines

Player: IF Leighton Pangilinan

ERMAHGERD Translation: LERGHTERN PINERLERNERN

CFB Name: Late On Pan Jillian

Name Unscrambled: Thong Planning

Player: OF Saxon Omandac

ERMAHGERD Translation: SERXERN ERMAHNDERC

CFB Name: Sex On On My Dick

Name Unscrambled: Ox Nomad

Player: OF Jonash Ponce

ERMAHGERD Translation: JERNERSH PERNC

CFB Name: Joe Nash Ponds

Name Unscrambled: Johns ? Nope

***

COUNTRY: South Africa

Player: IF Gift Ngoepe

ERMAHGERD Translation: GERFT NGERP

CFB Name: .gif Nick Opi

Name Unscrambled: Fig Pong

Player: OF Alessio Angelucci

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERLERSER INERLERC

CFB Name: Alex Theo An Gel Deucy

Name Unscrambled: Seals Angelic

Player: OF Faizel Moosa

ERMAHGERD Translation: FERZERL MAHS

CFB Name: Fay Sell Moose Ah

Name Unscrambled: Fail Moo

***

COUNTRY: Thailand (if you actually expected pictures…you’re crazy. Here’s proof we’re not making these up).

Player: IF Jittipong Chong-On

ERMAHGERD Translation: JERTERPIN CHINERN

CFB Name: Titty Pong Thong On

Name Unscrambled: Tiptoing Congo

Player: IF Paramutt Meepakdee

ERMAHGERD Translation: PERERMAHT MAHPERKDER

CFB Name: Pair A Mutt Me Pack D

Name Unscrambled: Trauma Peaked

Player: IF Sanyalak Pitpatpinyo

ERMAHGERD Translation: SERNERLERK PERTPERTPERNER

CFB Name: Sand Ya’ll Yak Pit Pat Pin Yo

Name Unscrambled: Alaska Pinto

***

Baseball From the Holy Land

Mar15 by jakemintz

Israel is famous for many things. Hills, history, hummus, horrible drivers; the list goes on and on. Its past is littered with fascinating events that have helped shape human history. Israel has a lot to offer to a nice young Jewish boy like myself. It’s too bad baseball is not one of them.

I’m in this country for 3 months. Opening day will come and go without me. Some bad team will get off to a hot start and I won’t particularly care. Someone will do something insane with a glove or a bat or a microphone and it will fly right by my eyes.

Do I miss it? Of course. Do I wish I could sit on my couch and watch MLB Network until my brain turns to soup? Yes. But there’s nothing I can do now except watch highlights on my laptop while my roommates snore next to me.

Only now, after being forcefully divorced from baseball, have I come to realize just how much I love it. As I tour this beautiful country and soak in its natural beauty, baseball still dominates my mind. “Check out that hill” someone will say. “Will Aaron Hill be able to repeat his absurd 2012?” is what my mind wanders to. Today I learned about the father of modern Kabbalah, Rabbi Isaac Loria. Did anyone in the room know who Jeffrey Loria is? Probably not. But I giggled to myself anyway.

I’ll fly home on May 21st having had a life-changing experience. It’s comforting to know that when I return, baseball will be there with opens arms waiting to accept my sorry ass back.

Happy 32nd Birthday Bobby Jenks !

Mar15 by Jordan Shusterman

Yesterday, Pi Day, was free agent relief pitcher Bobby Jenks’ 32nd birthday. I don’t have very much to say because he’s fat and probably won’t pitch again in the majors, but I wanna celebrate anyway. Also, I’ll never forget his dominance in the 2005 World Series.

Here are some of my favorite pictures of Bobby Jenks: