Music: IMDABES
The Ballad Of Henry Rodriguez
Chris(t) Davis Hits 34th Home Run, Is Religion
The Most Holy of Men
Since the dawn of civilization, mankind has looked towards religion as a way to explain the way the world works. While there are differences in all of them, creation myths and deities tend to have significant through-lines, and tonight I feel prepared to publish my explanation as to why this happens. In the past, we have shown that Chris Davis is actually Jesus, but I believe there is more to it than that, that if you look closer, you can find Chris Davis in all religions.
Thor
The Perfect Game Vault: Part 1
Just like most human beings, baseball players were young at some point in their lives. I can tell you from experience, being the 17 year old doofus I am, that being young can lead to the making of mistakes. In the case of many current big leaguers, these mistakes were photographs. Photographs that will live on forever on the beautiful thing we call the Internet.
All these wonderful photos were found on perfectgame.org. Accompanying each photo are a few quotes that each player said during their photo shoot (probably).
Brian McCann
“My other undershirt was in the wash. Will this purple turtleneck do?”
“The sun is kind of in my eyes, can we take this photo somewhere else? No? Ok.”
***
Jarrod Saltalamacchia
“So when you take the picture do you want me to look at the camera or through the camera?”
“No… it’s two C’s. No no, s-a-l-t-a… Here let me just spell it for you…”
IMPORTANT: JEFF FRANCIS FROM 2002
I’m not saying he looked like Shia LaBeouf but like…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In Which Greg Golson Looks Into His Future
This is a picture of former uber-prospect Greg Golson from 2004. It is as if he looked into the future 10 years and saw what had come of his career.
Sadness
Previewing the 2013 Home Run Derpy
Several weeks ago, Ian Miller and Riley Breckenridge were talking about the upcoming Home Run Derby on their Prodcast. There was an off-hand comment about how they should have a Home Run Derpy tournament instead. So if we’re stealing the idea…we apologize deeply. But it was a difficult thing to pass up. This isn’t exactly a tournament, but it’s an appreciation of our eight participants in a slightly different manner. It’s a shame Jeff Karstens won’t be the one pitching to them next Monday night. Anyway, let’s get started.
The American League
CAPTAIN: New York Yankees 2B Robinson Cano
Baltimore Orioles 1B Chris Davis
The 2013 CFB Name All-Star Team
Before the season and before anyone really read our stuff, Jake and I did team-by-team previews for every team in baseball. They had very little analysis and a whole lot of #analysis. You can find them here. One of my favorite parts of these previews was Jake coming up with what we now refer to as CFB Names for every player in each projected starting lineup. I’ve got a few favorites from this absurd collection. These is my personal All-Star team solely based on these names. Warning: they’re REALLY stupid.
CATCHER: My Tweeters
FIRST BASE: Yawn Dora Lawn Zone
SECOND BASE: Triscuits
IMPORTANT: YOENIS CESPEDES WON THE HOME RUN DERBY
As if he wasn’t gonna win. IT’S A CESPEDES FAMILY VICTORY.
2013 NBA Draft Recap, Probably
We were out at the Hagerstown Suns game all night, so I have absolutely no clue what happened in the national ballbasket draft, but based on my past knowledge of the sport, I’ll recap the night’s exciting action the best I can. Even if I have no clue who was taken by who when where why what which whatever.
THE PICKS
THE FIRST PICK – 6″7 Athletic Player From Marginally Impressive University
- INSTANT ANALYSIS: Exciting player with impressive wingspan; plenty of upside; plays basketball; has good relationship with his parents; can dunk; knows how to win; plays the game the right way; has a nice smile; this is an upside play; fantastic athlete; can do a lot of things with the basketball; huge potential
THE SECOND PICK – Fun To Watch Undersized Guard Who Made A Lot Of Big Shots For Big School
- INSTANT ANALYSIS: Wow; wow!; whoa; he is fun; makes big shots; he is probably not taller than 5″10 but he has a big heart; wow, he is so fun to watch; he once took 67 shots in one game; he did that thing in that tournament with that basketball; fun to watch
THE THIRD PICK – Incredibly Caucasian Seven-Footer Who Looks Awkward But Is Seven Feet Tall
- INSTANT ANALYSIS: Gamer; enjoys basketball; has work to do offensively; can block some shots; is white; is not black; not noticeably athletic; solid defender; we will see how his game translates to the NBA; has long arms because he is tall; his game will not translate to the NBA; is white
THE FOURTH PICK – Mysterious Lanky European Whose Name Would Be Automatic Victory In Scrabble
- INSTANT ANALYSIS: We don’t know; he is athletic; can dunk; he can dunk; did you see that dunk?; look at that dunk; has attractive girlfriend; will stay in Europe because reasons; enjoys gyros; has averaged 4.3 points per game but is definitely a top prospect; is somewhere between the ages of 14 and 23; hates airplanes; will never actually come to the United States
THE FIFTH PICK – That Guy Who Has Overcome So Much To Get To This Point, Wow, How Inspirational
- INSTANT ANALYSIS: Incredible story; he has come so far; his background is tragic; he started from the bottom; grew up without one parent; grew up in a bad neighborhood; unclear if he can play basketball but wow, he has come so far; amazing makeup; loves the game; great story; did we mention the adversity he has faced?; can dribble; needs a haircut
CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 