Minnesota Twins Opening Day 2014 Starting Lineup

Sure, the Twins’ 2013 season just ended. But we’ve already received an exclusive look at their starting lineup for next season’s Opening Day match-up in Chicago against the White Sox.

YOUR 2014 Minnesota Twins:

2B Chance Moore

SS Juan Laricio

DH Melt Marlo

1B Chub Smith

LF Carlos Duran-Duran

3B Larry Coriander

RF Tanke Jones

CF Lazlo Holloway

C Max Rosario

STARTING PITCHER: Caleb Thielbar

Manager: Ralph Snow

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Baseball Pornstar Names

These are all real baseball players who should probably consider a career change.

Orioles: Sammie Starr, Zelous Wheeler, Kyler Newby

D-Backs: Taylor Sinclair, Bubu Garcia

Braves: Terry Tiffe, Ryne Harper, Navery Moore,  Alex Wood, Donovan Drake

Cubs: Ty’relle Harris, Blake Lalli, Junior Lake, Dallas Beeler, Trey McNutt, Taylor Scott

White Sox: Dallas McPherson, Trayce Thompson, Shane Lindsey, Courntney Hawkins

Reds: Brian Peacock, Corky Miller, Brodie Greene, Justice French

Indians: Justin Toole, Alexis Parades, Louis Head, Kieran Lovegrove,

Rockies: Tyler Johnson, Alex White, Royce Ring, Parker Frazier, Taylor Featherston

The 2013 CFB Name All-Star Team

Before the season and before anyone really read our stuff, Jake and I did team-by-team previews for every team in baseball. They had very little analysis and a whole lot of #analysis. You can find them here. One of my favorite parts of these previews was Jake coming up with what we now refer to as CFB Names for every player in each projected starting lineup. I’ve got a few favorites from this absurd collection. These is my personal All-Star team solely based on these names. Warning: they’re REALLY stupid.

CATCHER: My Tweeters

FIRST BASE: Yawn Dora Lawn Zone

SECOND BASE: Triscuits

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A New and Improved Mount Rushmore

In our last trip to Hagerstown, we watched diminutive second base prospect Tony Renda play the game of baseball. Renda, a part of the Nationals organization, has a healthy crop of players ahead of him at his position. Potentially including top prospect Anthony Rendon. We quickly realized: Rendon renders Renda useless. One thing lead to another and…

…here we have the most beautiful Mount Rushmore you could possible recreate. Tony Renda, Anthony Rendon, Tigers “closer” Bruce Rondon, and the top prospect for the 2014 draft, left-hander Carlos Rodon.

Basically, RDNROENDRONDOENRODNEONRNDENODNENDNDNEORNDNENRN. 

So Kyle Blanks Walked Off the Phillies…

Last night, Padres first baseman/outfielder/resident gargantuan scored the tying run in the bottom of the ninth when Carlos Ruiz allowed a passed ball. In the bottom of the tenth, Blanks hit a walk-off single with the bases loaded to win the game for San Diego. None of this matters because I’ve been waiting for Kyle Blanks to do something interesting just to remind everyone that

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!