Reaction to looking at the Yankees Opening Day lineup

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Bet Gardener
2. RF Itchy Hoes Sues Sucky
3. 2B Robin’s On Canoe
4. 3B Kiev In You Kill Us
5. DH Trap Us Haven Her
6. LF Bread Hand Botch
7. SS Ed Hard O’Noon Yes
8. 1B Lier Hova Bay
9. C Chrit Tewart

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. See Sea Say Bath Yah
2. Herky Corrode
3. And Heep Edit
4. Vanonva
5. Dave If Helps

CLOSER: Mary And Hoe Riviera

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Wow, everyone’s hurt.

Billions on the DL. Ouch.

Haha, no pity.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: The Entire Team

• It’s old, expensive, and actually not even that talented anymore. It’s not sad in that anyone feels bad for them, it’s sad in that wow, this is an actual baseball team that is starting Chris Stewart behind the plate and giving Brennan Boesch regular at-bats. There are so many amazing things about Alex Rodriguez’ contract alone that can be mocked, but we won’t go there because oh wait Alex Rodriguez just made $57 that minute you were reading this. I wonder what he’s doing.

***

State of the Farm:

It’s a system that’s somewhere in the middle if you were to rank the organizations 1-30, but it’s not without some potential impact talent. Center fielder Mason Williams has shot up prospect lists in the last few years, combining near elite speed and defense with a surprising aptitude for hitting with an equally surprising amount of raw power. Gary Sanchez is the Yankees next potentially awesome offensive catcher after the Jesus Montero experiment was shipped to Seattle for them to deal with. Sanchez has a substantially better chance to stick at catcher than Montero ever did and has fantastic power potential. Rafael De Paula and Jose Ramirez are big right-handers with short track records and a ton of velocity. Slade Heathcott is a toolsy centerfielder with an extremely troubled past and questionable makeup to go along with it, but the hit tool is really starting to come around and could reach the Bronx by mid 2014.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• LHP Chaz Hebert
• LHP Evan Rutckyj
• LHP Rigoberto Arrebato
• RHP Giovanny Gallegos
• RHP Hershelon Juliana
• RHP Kenedy Agramonte
• RHP Chris Bootcheck
• 1B Saxon Butler
• OF Yeicok Calderon
• OF Mikeson Oliberto
• OF Freite Marte
• OF Barfil Munoz
• OF Wascar Rodriguez
• OF Zoilo Almonte

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Mark Montgomery’s Slider

***

Predictions:

• They all break.
• Brett Gardner becomes a real gardner after getting bored with baseball. The man loves his petunias.
• George Steinbrenner comes back from the grave to take the starting RF position.
• The dynasty nears its end as the Ottomans take over Yankee Stadium.

JERNER GERRMS

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Jacob Bells Berry
2. LF Shame Vic Turino
3. 2B Just Imp Head Royal
4. 1B My Kidnap Holy
5. 3B Whelm Hiddle Books
6. DH JERNER GERMS
7. C Jarred Salt Holla-Back Ia
8. RF Jack E./ Brad Lee
9. SS Hose Hay E. Glazes

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Tron Molester
2. K. Buttholes
3. Rain Dumpster
4. Feel Licks Doobie Rant
5. Gone Licky

CLOSER: Joe L. Hand Trahan

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Signed a few old guys.

Wow, here comes Jackie Bradley.

Fenway: still a dump.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: JERNER GERRMS.

Jonny Gomes is not a particularly talented athlete. What does Jonny Gomes bring to the table you may ask? Gomes proves that one can be both crazy and a good dude. He once ignored symptoms for a heart attack for 27 hours before checking into a hospital. He does a ton of charity work for the Tampa Bay area. Oh and he dresses like a (insert positive noun/adjective here).

***

State of the Farm:

• Xander Bogaerts is a Dutch shortstop with power. There is nothing wrong with any of that. The guy has the potential to crush 30 bombs at the major league level from a premium position. Center fielder Jackie Bradley Jr. was a nice prospect coming into the year, but had an insane spring training and broke camp with the team. He has elite defensive instincts to go with an extremely advanced approach at the plate which allowed him to bat 1.000 in the Grapefruit League, approximately. Matt Barnes and Allen Webster are both premium right handed arms, the latter of which came over from the Dodgers in the absurdly huge Adrian Gonzalez/Josh Beckett/Carl Crawford deal. Webster’s stock has improved tremendously this spring, showing even better stuff and increased velocity from the end of the 2012 season. Lefty/derpy Henry Owens did something completely insane this spring, striking out ALL the batters in an intrasquad game. He shows a potential plus curveball with impressive velocity from the left side. Jose Iglesias is a magical freak when it comes to defense, with no offense to be found in the stick. But he can do things. Special things. See below. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Sully Bonnelly
• RHP Wildyn Florian
• RHP Enfember Martinez
• RHP Edinxon Pacheco
• RHP Yankory Pimentel
• RHP Noe Ramirez
• C Beau Bishop
• 1B Boss Moanaroa
• 2B Mookie Betts
• 3B Kolbrin Vitek
• SS Cleuluis Rondon
• SS Heiker Meneses
• SS Xander Bogaerts
• OF Shaq Thompson
• OF Iseha Conklin
• OF Gregori Titts

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over (Oh My God Jose Iglesias Edition):

***

Predictions: 

• Jackie Bradley becomes allergic to Boston and is traded to ESPN for Nomar Garciaparra. 
• The Red Sox finally change their name to the grammatically correct Red Socks.
• Bobby Valentine watches every game from the upper deck disguised as a fat Bostonian.

The Toronto Blue Jays

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. SS Hose A. Race
2. LF Milky Cobra
3. RF Hose A. Barista
4. DH Ed Wind In Car Nausea Own
5. CF Cold Beer Has Musk
6. 1B A Damn Lint
7. C Jay Pee Aaron CBA
8. 2B A Mealy Hoe Bong A Fabio
9. 3B Mace Her It Hurts

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Raid Hickey
2. Brain Down Tomorrow
3. Narc Burly
4. Charsh Garnsharn
5. J. Ap

CLOSER: K.C. Chancing

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Well, this is the year.

They are now mostly Marlins.

Let’s see if it works.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: R.A. Dickey

• Robert Allen Dickey is just a good dude with a good pitch. Last year his knuckleball devastated the National League and he waltzed in his sandals all the way to a Cy Young Award. Whether or not the pitch is sustainable remains to be seen, but one thing is for sure: she wants the Dickey. And by Dickey, we mean this pitch:

***

State of the Farm:

Understandably, they shipped off nearly all of their top prospects to acquire the insane amount of major league talent from the Mets and the Marlins. However, they held onto Aaron Sanchez, and he could be pretty special. Sanchez is a power arm that sits in the mid 90’s and has two developing off-speed pitches (change-up and curveball) that could end up as above average as well. He’s the one guy they refused to give away, and they expect big things from him this year. Lefty Sean Nolin and his deep arsenal of solid-average pitches should be ready soon. Marcus Stroman is barely 5′”9, but he’s got a disgusting arsenal that includes a cutter in the low 90’s. He’s suspended for 50 games because The Major League Baseball Drug Policy Is Ridiculous, but could easily find a place in the Jays’ bullpen before the end of the season. Matt Smoral might look like Stinky Peterson from “Hey Arnold!”, but he’s an extremely young and projectable left-hander with an already devastating slider. And oh yeah, they have a bajillion 16 year olds in the rookie levels with huge ceilings and good grades in Algebra 2.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yeyfry Del Rosario
• RHP Trystan Magnuson
• RHP Chorye Spoone
• LHP Zakery Wasilewski
• 1B Balbino Fuenmayor
• 2B Ronniel Demorizi
• 2B Jason Leblebijian
• 3B Deiferson Barreto
• SS Amadeo Zazueta

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Marcus Stroman’s Slider

***

Predictions:

• The Blue Jays play the Marlins and everyone gets really emotional.
• Brett Lawrie films his own version of Project X in which he throws a huge party in the Rogers Centre while the team is out of town.
• The Blue Jays can’t live up to the Miami Heat level hype and finish 3rd in a division stacked more than a double stacked, Double Stuf Oreo.

They gave him all the moneys.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF A Stinge Hacks On
2. RF Tree Hunter
3. 3B Mick Hell Crab Era
4. 1B P. Rinse Feel Her
5. DH Evict Her Martini
6. LF Anne D. Derps
7. SS Shaw Neep Her Alter
8. C Al Licks A Uvula
9. 2B Hoe Marlin Font A.

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Juspin Derp Land Her
2. On The Balls Hand Cheese
3. Rich Porn Seller
4. Dog Fister
5. Mask Shirts Her

CLOSER: Kill Folk

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Hey, Torii Hunter.

Gave Justin ALL the moneys.

Still have no closer.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Max Scherzer

• Not totally sure if it’s the fact that

………or if um well oh my god his eyes are terrifying. This mutation combined with an extremely violent delivery just make watching Max pitch an unpleasant experience to say the least.You gotta love the guy, and he’s had great success over the past few season while remaining healthy. But he scares us. And probably you too.

***

State of the Farm:

This is one of the worst systems in baseball. There isn’t much around that. 3B/OF Nick Castellanos is a fantastic hitting prospect who doesn’t care to wear batting gloves most of the time and put on an absolute show at the 2012 Futures Game. RHP Bruce Rondon is 300 pounds and throws insanely hard, sitting in the 98-100 range with ease, with not much clue of where it is going. The Tigers named him the Opening Day closer and then quickly realized that he wouldn’t be there on time for the game on account of fat. He should eventually develop into a dominant bullpen arm, but for now, it’s shaky. Outfielder Steven Moya is 6″7 with legit 80 grade raw power and not a whole lot of other baseball talents but if you want to see a 6″7 human being hit a baseball really far sometimes maybe, you should check out the Florida State League where Moya will be spending most if not all of his 2013 season.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• LHP Junior Camaripano
• LHP Eudis Idrogo
• LHP Vijandrick Jacobs
• RHP Janry Obispo
• RHP Adenson Verastegui
• RHP Confesor Lara
• RHP Yorfrank Lopez
• RHP Montreal Robertson
• RHP Warwick Saupold
• C Arvicent Perez
• 1B Juaner Aguasvivas
• OF Jhosua Montero
• OF D.J. Driggers

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Steven Moya Existing

***

Predictions:

• The Tigers sell Bruce Rondon bobbleheads that don’t bobble because Bruce Rondon has too much neck fat.
• Bobby Higginson comes back.
• The Tigers win enough to make Detroit’s citizens forget that they live in Detroit.

$56,000,000 

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF My Kill Bored
2. SS Ass Dribble Capybara
3. 2B Jays Honk Penis
4. RF Hair Gel
5. C Carl O’Saint Hannah
6. 1B Mar Cray Knolls
7. LF My Kill Branchy
8. 3B Low Knee Chisel Hall
9. DH Drew’s Tubs

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Jace Tin Masters Hon
2. Your Bald Hoe Jim Hands
3. Breath Mayors
4. Sack Mcrackalackinster
5. Cots Cat Smear

CLOSER: Crisp Hairs

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Swisher? What a dick.

They robbed D-backs of Bauer.

Haha, Mark Reynolds.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Mark Reynolds

• Mark Reynolds is still only 29 years old, but it feels like he’s been striking out in the major leagues at record rates for over a decade. He’s got some of the best raw power on the planet but oh my god did you see the pitch he just swung at ?! It seems almost daily that you find yourself watching the highlights of each game when BAM there’s Mark swinging right over a changeup or BAM there’s Mark fumbling a hard hit ball at third base. He’s a frustrating player in that you know he can do things like this, but then you remember he has LITERALLY STRUCK OUT OVER 1,000 TIMES IN ONLY 3,000 AT BATS. Oh, and he might be blind.

***

State of the Farm:

It’s pretty bad but like, Francisco Lindor Francisco Lindor Francisco Lindor Francisco Lindor. So it’s difficult to really trash this system. Francisco Lindor, if you haven’t heard, is a switch hitting shortstop with a near elite glove who has already made it to High-A at the tender age of 19. In one of the more lopsided trades of the offseason, the Indians acquired right-hander Trevor Bauer from the Diamondbacks. Bauer is a cerebral pitcher with a ridiculous collection of pitches that includes what he calls a REVERSE SLIDER. He is also incredibly entertaining on the Tweeterz. Other than Lindor, they’ve got some bullpen-bound arms in Danny Salazar and Cody Allen, and some intriguing but up-the-middle players in SS/2B Dorssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssys Paulino, 2B Ronny Rodriguez and CF Luigi Rodriguez. It’s a rather uninteresting system after the Magical Unicorn that is Lindor, and the potential frontline starter that they robbed from Arizona in Bauer.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Estevenson Encarnacion
• RHP Michael Goodnight
• RHP Antwonie Hubbard
• 3B Giovanny Urshela
• SS Dorssys Paulino
• OF Fidias Soto
• OF D’vone McClure
• OF Delvi Cid

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Francisco Lindor Getting His High School Jersey Retired

***

Predictions:

• Nick Swisher spends his entire contract on hair gel and tobacco
• Mark Reynolds strikes out all of the times.
• Terry Francona forgets that he isn’t managing the Red Sox anymore; throws at Mark Reynolds during batting practice.
• The Tribe are finally punished for their horribly racist logo and are stampeded by an actual tribe of American Indians during their July series at Kansas City.

This man is no longer the General Manager of the Chicago White Sox. 

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Allie Hand Row The Pasta
2. 3B Chef Keeping Her
3. RF Ah Luxury O’s
4. 1B Polk Hone Argo
5. DH Dad Him Done
6. LF Die On This E. Eight O.
7. SS Alex E. Ram Ears
8. C Ty Lerph Hours
9. 2B Gourd N. Beggam

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Crystale
2. Jay Cap Heavy
3. Gave In Floyd
4. Hose A. Kin Tata
5. D. Land Axel Rod

CLOSER: Add Is On Red

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Yay, Jeff Keppinger.

Cheap extension for Chris Sale,

Not much else. Boring.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Chris Sale

• Ever been on one of those crazy roller coasters that twists, turns, drops, and dives? You scream and you shout as your stomach flops itself over. Ring a bell? It’s just like watching Chris Sale’s elbow as he throws his 45th slider of the game. It’s hard to watch, like The State of The Union or “Friends”. It’s not just his absurd delivery and arm action that’s nauseating; he looks severely malnourished as well. Everything about Sale when he’s on the bump is skeevy and weird. The worst part is, he’s really freakin’ good. So you kinda have to watch. Until his arm goes boom. It’s hard to believe it hasn’t happened yet. You would think all it would take would be reaching over a little too quickly to hit the Snooze button on his alarm clock. Anyway, here’s what we mean:
  

***

State of the Farm: 

Outfielder Courtney Hawkins has near elite raw power and about 93% of the athleticism in this entire system. He’s a great athlete for his size, and projects as a well above average right fielder if it all comes together. He flew through the minors as a 19 year old in his first pro season, finishing 2012 at High-A Winston-Salem. He won’t be moving at that pace for this upcoming season, but he’s the one prospect in this system really worth keeping an eye on. The rest is…well, not pretty. There’s the scattered and unrefined toolbox known as Trayce Thompson, as well as the insanely large and equally raw first baseman Keon Barnum. They’ve got some semi interesting arms in Scott Snodgress and Brazilian Andre Rienzo, but nothing that projects anywhere close to the top half of a major league rotation. Hawkins is exciting, but this system is dull, dry and derpy as hell.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yelmison Peralta
• RHP Storm Throne
• RHP Euclides Leyer
• C Joxelier Garcia
• 2B Justin Jirschele
• 3B Rangel Ravelo
• OF Yoandy Barroso
• OF Kale Kiser

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Courtney Hawkins doing a backflip.

***

Predictions:

• Ozzie Guillen returns with a vengeance and attempts to eject Robin Ventura during one of his many mound visits during a Gavin Floyd start.
• Adam Dunn becomes a vegetarian and loses 100 lbs; he steals 25 bases after the All-Star break.
• Chris Sale realizes he’s a righty and starts throwing normally
• Hawk Harrelson looks up, puts it on the board, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssss.
• The White Sox realize what the term “farm system” means and sell all their chicken farms. They use the profits for player development, finally.
• With the 17th pick in the 2013 Amateur Draft, Kenny Williams will rip the phone from Rick Hahn and tell Bud Selig that the White Sox are drafting his pet dog in order to save money.

Clayton Richard: Pitcher, Quarterback, Nazi Sympathizer.

***

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. SS Have Breath Crab Hear
2. 2B Gergerker
3. 3B Cheese Shed Lee
4. 1B Yawn Dora Lawn Zone
5. RF Carl O’Squintin
6. LF Wheel Van Able
7. CF Came Around Maybe
8. C Nig Hunt Lee

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Eddy’s Son Volt Quiz
2. Clay Toner Chard
3. Jay Sewn Mark Kiss
4. A Rick Stilts
5. Ties On Rots

CLOSER: Houston’s Teet

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

They didn’t do much.

No extension for Headley.

Time for Jedd Gyorko!

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Cameron Maybin

• Waiting for Cameron Maybin to break out is taking longer than a hotel buffet with a bunch of fat, pushy Israelis. His tools are as mouthwatering as the Danish that stands before me, but whether or not I can actualize putting the Danish in my mouth is unknown. We are still talking about Cameron Danish… I mean Maybin right? 

***

State of the Farm:

They’ve got a CFB favorite in catcher Austin Hedges, who is lauded for his elite defensive skills and surprisingly solid bat. He’ll advance to the California League in 2013, where he will most likely put up absurd and misleading offensive numbers that will only make us love him more (if that’s possible). The Padres also have a seemingly endless collection of young arms: Right-handers Matthew Wisler, Joe Ross and Walker Weickel, as well as their top pick in 2012, left hander Max Fried. Max Fried was in the same high school rotation as Lucas Giolito. How is that even fair? Fried boasts one of the better curveballs in the minors already, and is a Jew. Then there’s 6″7 Tayron Guerrero. Reports from the Professor this spring have been slightly intriguing. Outfielder Rymer Liriano will miss the 2013 season due to Tommy John surgery, but his name is Rymer so I expect a full recovery and an exciting return sometime in 2014. It’s a really good system; probably top 5 in the majors. But most importantly, AUSTIN HEDGES.

CLICK ON THIS LINK FOR MORE AUSTIN HEDGES BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T PREACHED HIS GOSPEL ENOUGH. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yimmi Brasoban
• RHP Kevin Quackenbush
• 1B Goose Kallunki
• 2B Cristofher Martinez
• 2B Malquiel Brito
• 2B River Stevens
• SS Franchy Cordero
• SS Beamer Weems
• OF Yorky Diaz
• OF Franmil Reyes
• OF Fabel Filpo
• OF Yeison Acensio

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Max Fried’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• Chase Headley will continue to be the most underrated overrated player in San Diego.
• Clayton Richard will continue to support the Third Reich.
• JERD GERK WERL GERT A LERT ERF HERTS
• The Padres are going to redefine mediocrity. They will win 81 games, have an even run differential, and get an 85% on their Spanish test. 

What’s C.C. Sabathia Doing In Such Fancy Garb?

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Dean Hard Spin
2. RF Jason Worth
3. LF Bries Sharper
4. 3B Rains Him Or Man
5. 1B Aid Him Lare Osh
6. SS E.N. Ez Mon
7. 2B Dan E. Spinoza
8. C Curts Hues Yuki

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Steve And Straws Brrrr
2. Joe Gun Souls
3. Chore Dance Hummer Man
4. Danaran
5. Rocks Debt Wilder

CLOSER: Raft I.L. Sorry Ann O

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Oh hey, Denard Span.

Wait, holy crap, this team’s good.

The Phillies are sad.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Danny Espinosa

• Aside from looking like Fat Drake, Espinosa spends most of his time swinging and consequentially missing at baseballs. You just wish someone would let him know that while the bench does provide the most amenities available, he is indeed paid to get to first, second, third base, etc. 

***

State of the Farm:

Professor Parks put it best in this tweet. The injury risks are plentiful and worrisome. But the talent is there, with third baseman Anthony Rendon and his Rice University education leading this crop. Rendon is another rare prospect with a plus-plus projection on his hit tool, but his ankle as about as fragile as Chris Sale doing anything ever. Born in 1994, right-hander Lucas Giolito was the top talent headed into the 2013 draft before getting injured late in his senior season. He got the Tommy John outta the way towards the end of last season, and should return for the 2014 season. He touched triple digits regularly before the injury, and ZOMG HIS CURVEBALL. Brian Goodwin is an intriguing outfielder and right-hander Nathan Karns, despite this facial hair and already being 26, has a potent fastball/curveball combo that should reach the big leagues this year. And oh by the way, that Bryce Harper dude is significantly younger than everyone in Washington’s Top 10 besides Giolito. So there’s that.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Inocencio Heredia
• C Austin Chubb
• C Spencer Kieboom
• DH Yermin Mercedes
• 3B Khayyan Norfork
• 3B Younaifred Aguero
• 3B Diomedes Eusebio
• OF Will Piwnica-Worms
• OF Algenis Ramirez
• OF Armando Echenique

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Lucas Giolito’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• Denard Span tests positive for an banned #natitude performance enhancer and is suspended for 3 weeks.
• Jayson Werth’s title as most homeless-looking National is challenged by Rabbi Harper.
• Fan attendance drops after the new Racing President, Taft, dies in June from diabetes.
• The Nats win a lot of baseball games, the NL East, and a seat in congress.

The 2013 Miami Marlins

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF One Pear
2. 3B Flaccid Dope Lank Hoe
3. RF Shun Carl O’Tan Tin
4. C Raw Brand Lee
5. CF Jizz Tin Rue G. On Oh
6. 2B Don O’Vansal Ono
7. 1B K.C. Couch Man
8. SS A Tiny Hedge Afaria

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Rick E. Knoll Asshole
2. Way Deal Blank
3. Hen Derps On All Varies
4. Cave In Slowly
5. Hose A. Fern And His

CLOSER: Sleeve She Shake

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Well, they did it again.

We all hate Jeff Loria.

Sorry, Giancarlo.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Giancarlo Stanton

• If Zeus had played baseball, he would have looked like Giancarlo Stanton. Thighs like redwoods, arms like thighs, and a head the size of a watermelon, Stanton is built to mash your balls. He has done mythological things to regular peons like Jamie Moyer and all the Rockies. He’s got quite possibly the best raw power of all time, and he is the precious unicorn that every organization wishes they had.

***

State of the Farm:

Right-handed pitcher Jose Fernandez, armed with his plus-plus fastball and Cuban refugee status, could very easily be the top pitching prospect in all of baseball this time next season. Oh wait, the Marlins called him up for absolutely no reason. Outfielder Christian Yelich is awkward and wiry, but he boasts one of the few plus-plus hit tools in the minors, and should join the newly acquired Jake Marisnick in the cavernous outfield of Marlins BLOLpark soon enough. As a shortstop in high school, athletic catcher Jacob Realmuto demoralized his opponents, batting .595 with ONE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN RUNS BATTED IN as a senior. They also have an outfielder named Jesus Solorzano. So there’s that. This system, as expected, got much better after fire sale #193, but it still lacks any real depth after the top two studs in Fernandez and Yelich.  It’s meh. But again, Jesus Solorzano.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Jorgan Cavenario
• RHP Arquimedes Caminero
• RHP Rigoberto Santamaria
• RHP Yeims Mendoza
• RHP Jheyson Manzueta
• RHP Yonqueli Perez
• 1B Viosergy Rosa
• 3B Tug Hulett
• SS Rehiner Cordova
• OF Wildert Pujols
• OF Jesus Solorzano

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Christian Yelich’s Swing

***

Predictions:

• Jeffrey Loria trades LeBron James and Dwyane Wade to the Phillies to save cap room.
• The Marlins add three more colors to their uniforms and are briefly mistaken for a gay pride parade.
• While yawning during one of the Marlins’ many losses, Giancarlo Stanton accidentally inhales the entire home run sculpture in left center field.
• The Marlins suck a duck and finish dead last in the National League.