The Toronto Blue Jays

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. SS Hose A. Race
2. LF Milky Cobra
3. RF Hose A. Barista
4. DH Ed Wind In Car Nausea Own
5. CF Cold Beer Has Musk
6. 1B A Damn Lint
7. C Jay Pee Aaron CBA
8. 2B A Mealy Hoe Bong A Fabio
9. 3B Mace Her It Hurts

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Raid Hickey
2. Brain Down Tomorrow
3. Narc Burly
4. Charsh Garnsharn
5. J. Ap

CLOSER: K.C. Chancing

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Well, this is the year.

They are now mostly Marlins.

Let’s see if it works.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: R.A. Dickey

• Robert Allen Dickey is just a good dude with a good pitch. Last year his knuckleball devastated the National League and he waltzed in his sandals all the way to a Cy Young Award. Whether or not the pitch is sustainable remains to be seen, but one thing is for sure: she wants the Dickey. And by Dickey, we mean this pitch:

***

State of the Farm:

Understandably, they shipped off nearly all of their top prospects to acquire the insane amount of major league talent from the Mets and the Marlins. However, they held onto Aaron Sanchez, and he could be pretty special. Sanchez is a power arm that sits in the mid 90’s and has two developing off-speed pitches (change-up and curveball) that could end up as above average as well. He’s the one guy they refused to give away, and they expect big things from him this year. Lefty Sean Nolin and his deep arsenal of solid-average pitches should be ready soon. Marcus Stroman is barely 5′”9, but he’s got a disgusting arsenal that includes a cutter in the low 90’s. He’s suspended for 50 games because The Major League Baseball Drug Policy Is Ridiculous, but could easily find a place in the Jays’ bullpen before the end of the season. Matt Smoral might look like Stinky Peterson from “Hey Arnold!”, but he’s an extremely young and projectable left-hander with an already devastating slider. And oh yeah, they have a bajillion 16 year olds in the rookie levels with huge ceilings and good grades in Algebra 2.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yeyfry Del Rosario
• RHP Trystan Magnuson
• RHP Chorye Spoone
• LHP Zakery Wasilewski
• 1B Balbino Fuenmayor
• 2B Ronniel Demorizi
• 2B Jason Leblebijian
• 3B Deiferson Barreto
• SS Amadeo Zazueta

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Marcus Stroman’s Slider

***

Predictions:

• The Blue Jays play the Marlins and everyone gets really emotional.
• Brett Lawrie films his own version of Project X in which he throws a huge party in the Rogers Centre while the team is out of town.
• The Blue Jays can’t live up to the Miami Heat level hype and finish 3rd in a division stacked more than a double stacked, Double Stuf Oreo.

$56,000,000 

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF My Kill Bored
2. SS Ass Dribble Capybara
3. 2B Jays Honk Penis
4. RF Hair Gel
5. C Carl O’Saint Hannah
6. 1B Mar Cray Knolls
7. LF My Kill Branchy
8. 3B Low Knee Chisel Hall
9. DH Drew’s Tubs

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Jace Tin Masters Hon
2. Your Bald Hoe Jim Hands
3. Breath Mayors
4. Sack Mcrackalackinster
5. Cots Cat Smear

CLOSER: Crisp Hairs

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Swisher? What a dick.

They robbed D-backs of Bauer.

Haha, Mark Reynolds.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Mark Reynolds

• Mark Reynolds is still only 29 years old, but it feels like he’s been striking out in the major leagues at record rates for over a decade. He’s got some of the best raw power on the planet but oh my god did you see the pitch he just swung at ?! It seems almost daily that you find yourself watching the highlights of each game when BAM there’s Mark swinging right over a changeup or BAM there’s Mark fumbling a hard hit ball at third base. He’s a frustrating player in that you know he can do things like this, but then you remember he has LITERALLY STRUCK OUT OVER 1,000 TIMES IN ONLY 3,000 AT BATS. Oh, and he might be blind.

***

State of the Farm:

It’s pretty bad but like, Francisco Lindor Francisco Lindor Francisco Lindor Francisco Lindor. So it’s difficult to really trash this system. Francisco Lindor, if you haven’t heard, is a switch hitting shortstop with a near elite glove who has already made it to High-A at the tender age of 19. In one of the more lopsided trades of the offseason, the Indians acquired right-hander Trevor Bauer from the Diamondbacks. Bauer is a cerebral pitcher with a ridiculous collection of pitches that includes what he calls a REVERSE SLIDER. He is also incredibly entertaining on the Tweeterz. Other than Lindor, they’ve got some bullpen-bound arms in Danny Salazar and Cody Allen, and some intriguing but up-the-middle players in SS/2B Dorssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssys Paulino, 2B Ronny Rodriguez and CF Luigi Rodriguez. It’s a rather uninteresting system after the Magical Unicorn that is Lindor, and the potential frontline starter that they robbed from Arizona in Bauer.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Estevenson Encarnacion
• RHP Michael Goodnight
• RHP Antwonie Hubbard
• 3B Giovanny Urshela
• SS Dorssys Paulino
• OF Fidias Soto
• OF D’vone McClure
• OF Delvi Cid

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Francisco Lindor Getting His High School Jersey Retired

***

Predictions:

• Nick Swisher spends his entire contract on hair gel and tobacco
• Mark Reynolds strikes out all of the times.
• Terry Francona forgets that he isn’t managing the Red Sox anymore; throws at Mark Reynolds during batting practice.
• The Tribe are finally punished for their horribly racist logo and are stampeded by an actual tribe of American Indians during their July series at Kansas City.

This man is no longer the General Manager of the Chicago White Sox. 

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Allie Hand Row The Pasta
2. 3B Chef Keeping Her
3. RF Ah Luxury O’s
4. 1B Polk Hone Argo
5. DH Dad Him Done
6. LF Die On This E. Eight O.
7. SS Alex E. Ram Ears
8. C Ty Lerph Hours
9. 2B Gourd N. Beggam

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Crystale
2. Jay Cap Heavy
3. Gave In Floyd
4. Hose A. Kin Tata
5. D. Land Axel Rod

CLOSER: Add Is On Red

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Yay, Jeff Keppinger.

Cheap extension for Chris Sale,

Not much else. Boring.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Chris Sale

• Ever been on one of those crazy roller coasters that twists, turns, drops, and dives? You scream and you shout as your stomach flops itself over. Ring a bell? It’s just like watching Chris Sale’s elbow as he throws his 45th slider of the game. It’s hard to watch, like The State of The Union or “Friends”. It’s not just his absurd delivery and arm action that’s nauseating; he looks severely malnourished as well. Everything about Sale when he’s on the bump is skeevy and weird. The worst part is, he’s really freakin’ good. So you kinda have to watch. Until his arm goes boom. It’s hard to believe it hasn’t happened yet. You would think all it would take would be reaching over a little too quickly to hit the Snooze button on his alarm clock. Anyway, here’s what we mean:
  

***

State of the Farm: 

Outfielder Courtney Hawkins has near elite raw power and about 93% of the athleticism in this entire system. He’s a great athlete for his size, and projects as a well above average right fielder if it all comes together. He flew through the minors as a 19 year old in his first pro season, finishing 2012 at High-A Winston-Salem. He won’t be moving at that pace for this upcoming season, but he’s the one prospect in this system really worth keeping an eye on. The rest is…well, not pretty. There’s the scattered and unrefined toolbox known as Trayce Thompson, as well as the insanely large and equally raw first baseman Keon Barnum. They’ve got some semi interesting arms in Scott Snodgress and Brazilian Andre Rienzo, but nothing that projects anywhere close to the top half of a major league rotation. Hawkins is exciting, but this system is dull, dry and derpy as hell.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yelmison Peralta
• RHP Storm Throne
• RHP Euclides Leyer
• C Joxelier Garcia
• 2B Justin Jirschele
• 3B Rangel Ravelo
• OF Yoandy Barroso
• OF Kale Kiser

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Courtney Hawkins doing a backflip.

***

Predictions:

• Ozzie Guillen returns with a vengeance and attempts to eject Robin Ventura during one of his many mound visits during a Gavin Floyd start.
• Adam Dunn becomes a vegetarian and loses 100 lbs; he steals 25 bases after the All-Star break.
• Chris Sale realizes he’s a righty and starts throwing normally
• Hawk Harrelson looks up, puts it on the board, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssss.
• The White Sox realize what the term “farm system” means and sell all their chicken farms. They use the profits for player development, finally.
• With the 17th pick in the 2013 Amateur Draft, Kenny Williams will rip the phone from Rick Hahn and tell Bud Selig that the White Sox are drafting his pet dog in order to save money.

Clayton Richard: Pitcher, Quarterback, Nazi Sympathizer.

***

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. SS Have Breath Crab Hear
2. 2B Gergerker
3. 3B Cheese Shed Lee
4. 1B Yawn Dora Lawn Zone
5. RF Carl O’Squintin
6. LF Wheel Van Able
7. CF Came Around Maybe
8. C Nig Hunt Lee

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Eddy’s Son Volt Quiz
2. Clay Toner Chard
3. Jay Sewn Mark Kiss
4. A Rick Stilts
5. Ties On Rots

CLOSER: Houston’s Teet

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

They didn’t do much.

No extension for Headley.

Time for Jedd Gyorko!

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Cameron Maybin

• Waiting for Cameron Maybin to break out is taking longer than a hotel buffet with a bunch of fat, pushy Israelis. His tools are as mouthwatering as the Danish that stands before me, but whether or not I can actualize putting the Danish in my mouth is unknown. We are still talking about Cameron Danish… I mean Maybin right? 

***

State of the Farm:

They’ve got a CFB favorite in catcher Austin Hedges, who is lauded for his elite defensive skills and surprisingly solid bat. He’ll advance to the California League in 2013, where he will most likely put up absurd and misleading offensive numbers that will only make us love him more (if that’s possible). The Padres also have a seemingly endless collection of young arms: Right-handers Matthew Wisler, Joe Ross and Walker Weickel, as well as their top pick in 2012, left hander Max Fried. Max Fried was in the same high school rotation as Lucas Giolito. How is that even fair? Fried boasts one of the better curveballs in the minors already, and is a Jew. Then there’s 6″7 Tayron Guerrero. Reports from the Professor this spring have been slightly intriguing. Outfielder Rymer Liriano will miss the 2013 season due to Tommy John surgery, but his name is Rymer so I expect a full recovery and an exciting return sometime in 2014. It’s a really good system; probably top 5 in the majors. But most importantly, AUSTIN HEDGES.

CLICK ON THIS LINK FOR MORE AUSTIN HEDGES BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T PREACHED HIS GOSPEL ENOUGH. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Yimmi Brasoban
• RHP Kevin Quackenbush
• 1B Goose Kallunki
• 2B Cristofher Martinez
• 2B Malquiel Brito
• 2B River Stevens
• SS Franchy Cordero
• SS Beamer Weems
• OF Yorky Diaz
• OF Franmil Reyes
• OF Fabel Filpo
• OF Yeison Acensio

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Max Fried’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• Chase Headley will continue to be the most underrated overrated player in San Diego.
• Clayton Richard will continue to support the Third Reich.
• JERD GERK WERL GERT A LERT ERF HERTS
• The Padres are going to redefine mediocrity. They will win 81 games, have an even run differential, and get an 85% on their Spanish test. 

What’s C.C. Sabathia Doing In Such Fancy Garb?

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Dean Hard Spin
2. RF Jason Worth
3. LF Bries Sharper
4. 3B Rains Him Or Man
5. 1B Aid Him Lare Osh
6. SS E.N. Ez Mon
7. 2B Dan E. Spinoza
8. C Curts Hues Yuki

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Steve And Straws Brrrr
2. Joe Gun Souls
3. Chore Dance Hummer Man
4. Danaran
5. Rocks Debt Wilder

CLOSER: Raft I.L. Sorry Ann O

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Oh hey, Denard Span.

Wait, holy crap, this team’s good.

The Phillies are sad.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Danny Espinosa

• Aside from looking like Fat Drake, Espinosa spends most of his time swinging and consequentially missing at baseballs. You just wish someone would let him know that while the bench does provide the most amenities available, he is indeed paid to get to first, second, third base, etc. 

***

State of the Farm:

Professor Parks put it best in this tweet. The injury risks are plentiful and worrisome. But the talent is there, with third baseman Anthony Rendon and his Rice University education leading this crop. Rendon is another rare prospect with a plus-plus projection on his hit tool, but his ankle as about as fragile as Chris Sale doing anything ever. Born in 1994, right-hander Lucas Giolito was the top talent headed into the 2013 draft before getting injured late in his senior season. He got the Tommy John outta the way towards the end of last season, and should return for the 2014 season. He touched triple digits regularly before the injury, and ZOMG HIS CURVEBALL. Brian Goodwin is an intriguing outfielder and right-hander Nathan Karns, despite this facial hair and already being 26, has a potent fastball/curveball combo that should reach the big leagues this year. And oh by the way, that Bryce Harper dude is significantly younger than everyone in Washington’s Top 10 besides Giolito. So there’s that.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Inocencio Heredia
• C Austin Chubb
• C Spencer Kieboom
• DH Yermin Mercedes
• 3B Khayyan Norfork
• 3B Younaifred Aguero
• 3B Diomedes Eusebio
• OF Will Piwnica-Worms
• OF Algenis Ramirez
• OF Armando Echenique

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Lucas Giolito’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

• Denard Span tests positive for an banned #natitude performance enhancer and is suspended for 3 weeks.
• Jayson Werth’s title as most homeless-looking National is challenged by Rabbi Harper.
• Fan attendance drops after the new Racing President, Taft, dies in June from diabetes.
• The Nats win a lot of baseball games, the NL East, and a seat in congress.

The 2013 Miami Marlins

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF One Pear
2. 3B Flaccid Dope Lank Hoe
3. RF Shun Carl O’Tan Tin
4. C Raw Brand Lee
5. CF Jizz Tin Rue G. On Oh
6. 2B Don O’Vansal Ono
7. 1B K.C. Couch Man
8. SS A Tiny Hedge Afaria

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Rick E. Knoll Asshole
2. Way Deal Blank
3. Hen Derps On All Varies
4. Cave In Slowly
5. Hose A. Fern And His

CLOSER: Sleeve She Shake

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Well, they did it again.

We all hate Jeff Loria.

Sorry, Giancarlo.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Giancarlo Stanton

• If Zeus had played baseball, he would have looked like Giancarlo Stanton. Thighs like redwoods, arms like thighs, and a head the size of a watermelon, Stanton is built to mash your balls. He has done mythological things to regular peons like Jamie Moyer and all the Rockies. He’s got quite possibly the best raw power of all time, and he is the precious unicorn that every organization wishes they had.

***

State of the Farm:

Right-handed pitcher Jose Fernandez, armed with his plus-plus fastball and Cuban refugee status, could very easily be the top pitching prospect in all of baseball this time next season. Oh wait, the Marlins called him up for absolutely no reason. Outfielder Christian Yelich is awkward and wiry, but he boasts one of the few plus-plus hit tools in the minors, and should join the newly acquired Jake Marisnick in the cavernous outfield of Marlins BLOLpark soon enough. As a shortstop in high school, athletic catcher Jacob Realmuto demoralized his opponents, batting .595 with ONE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN RUNS BATTED IN as a senior. They also have an outfielder named Jesus Solorzano. So there’s that. This system, as expected, got much better after fire sale #193, but it still lacks any real depth after the top two studs in Fernandez and Yelich.  It’s meh. But again, Jesus Solorzano.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Jorgan Cavenario
• RHP Arquimedes Caminero
• RHP Rigoberto Santamaria
• RHP Yeims Mendoza
• RHP Jheyson Manzueta
• RHP Yonqueli Perez
• 1B Viosergy Rosa
• 3B Tug Hulett
• SS Rehiner Cordova
• OF Wildert Pujols
• OF Jesus Solorzano

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Christian Yelich’s Swing

***

Predictions:

• Jeffrey Loria trades LeBron James and Dwyane Wade to the Phillies to save cap room.
• The Marlins add three more colors to their uniforms and are briefly mistaken for a gay pride parade.
• While yawning during one of the Marlins’ many losses, Giancarlo Stanton accidentally inhales the entire home run sculpture in left center field.
• The Marlins suck a duck and finish dead last in the National League.