Part 3: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Roy Oswalt says hello.

A.J. AND PETER GRIFFIN

Extremely similar body types, both wear glasses, and I think we can safely assume Peter would wear number 64 if he played baseball. One might point out that Peter is a fictional character, making it impossible to truly relate him to the young Oakland starter with the nasty curveball. In this case, I think there are enough uncanny similarities to at least wonder if their parents are second cousins or something. I’m open to being convinced otherwise.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 47%

TYRELL AND LEEROY JENKINS

I like a good challenge. Here we have the high-ceiling Cardinals pitching prospect whose Twitter handle is @BrothaJenkins, and arguably the most famous character in video game history. If you haven’t seen the video, just click on LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY’s name above. Sure, Tyrell can spin a pretty sick breaking ball. But could he do what Leeroy did in that legendary moment of WoW? Probably not. That takes a special kind of blood that I’m not sure Tyrell has proved he has yet. The potential is there, but I’m not buying it yet.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 16%

BRAUN RAZORS, EVA BRAUN AND RYAN BRAUN

A brand of inanimate objects, the former wife of Adolf Hitler, and one of the best players in baseball who happens to be a Jew.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 1000000%

PART 1: The Best of International Baseball Nomenclature

Mar7 by Jordan Shusterman

If you couldn’t already tell, we love names here at Cespedes Family Barbecue. They’re fun, fascinating and provide us with far more material than you could ever imagine. When the rosters for this year’s World Baseball Classic were released, it was obvious we were gonna see some awesome names from around the globe. We were not disappointed. This six part series will take a look at the best of the best of the best. And no, we aren’t making any of these up. Enjoy !

***

COUNTRY: Colombia

Player: IF Iggy Suarez

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERGER SERERZ

CFB Name: Eh, Geese War Is

Name Unscrambled: Gig Arse

Player: IF Giovanny Urshela

ERMAHGERD Translation: GERVERNER ERSHERL

CFB Name: Gio Van Knee Hershey La

Name Unscrambled: Agony Haulers

Player: OF Steve Brown

ERMAHGERD Translation: STERV BRERN

CFB Name: Steve Brown

Name Unscrambled: Vest Born

***

COUNTRY: Czech Republic

Player: RHP Boris Bokaj

ERMAHGERD Translation: BERERS BERKERJ

CFB Name: Bores Bo Cage

Name Unscrambled: Ribs Job

Player: OF Martin Drong

ERMAHGERD Translation: MAHRTERN DRIN

CFB Name: Mar Tender Wrong

Name Unscrambled: Train Dong

Player: IF Petr Cech

ERMAHGERD Translation: PERTR CERCH

CFB Name: Pee Turdcheck

Name Unscrambled: Pet He

***

COUNTRY: France

Player: RHP Leonel Cespedes (I mean come on, obviously)

ERMAHGERD Translation: LERNERL CERSPERDERS

CFB Name: Lee Own Else Speed Is

Name Unscrambled: Lone Secedes

Player: RHP Eloi Secleppe

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERLER SERCLERP

CFB Name: L. Wah Sea Clap Ay

Name Unscrambled: Oil Peels

Player: IF Florian Peyrichou

ERMAHGERD Translation: FLERERN PERERCHER

CFB Name: Flo Rida Pikachu

Name Unscrambled: Final Euphoric

***

COUNTRY: Germany

Player: LHP Enorbel Marquez

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERNERBERL MAHRQERZ

CFB Name: E. Normal Mark Is

Name Unscrambled: Noble Azure

Player: IF Maximilian Boldt

ERMAHGERD Translation: MAHXERMAHLERN BERLDT

CFB Name: Maximal Ian Bolt

Name Unscrambled: Mailman Old

Player: IF Jendrick Speer

ERMAHGERD Translation: JERNDRERCK SPER

CFB Name: Gender Ick Sphere

Name Unscrambled: Inked Pees

***

PART 2: The Best of International Baseball Nomenclature

Mar11 by Jordan Shusterman

Click here for Part 1.

***

COUNTRY: Great Britain

Player: RHP Estevenson Encarnacion

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERSTERVERNSERN ERNCERNERCERN

CFB Name: Teste Van Zone Acorn A Scion

Name Unscrambled: Oneness Cocaine

Player: IF Aeden McQuery

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERDERN MCQERER

CFB Name: Aiding McKiwi

Name Unscrambled: Dean Mercy

Player: OF Bradley Marcelino

ERMAHGERD Translation: BRERDLER MAHRCERLERN

CFB Name: Bread Lemur Ceiling O’

Name Unscrambled: Dryable Cornmeal

***

COUNTRY: Israel

Player: RHP Shlomo Lipetz

ERMAHGERD Translation: SHLERM LERPERTZ

CFB Name: Slow Mole Lip Pets

Name Unscrambled: Homo Pile

Player: C Nick Rickles

ERMAHGERD Translation: NERCK RERCKLERS

CFB Name: Nig Riggles

Name Unscrambled: Ink Lickers

Player: OF Robbie Widlansky

ERMAHGERD Translation: RERBER WERDLERNSKER

CFB Name: Row Bee Wide Land Ski

Name Unscrambled: Bribe Swankily

***

COUNTRY: New Zealand

Player: C Beau Bishop

ERMAHGERD Translation: BER BERSHERP

CFB Name: Bob I Shop

Name Unscrambled: Be Posh

Player: IF Boss Moanaroa

ERMAHGERD Translation: BERS MAHNERER

CFB Name: Bozemon Arrow

Name Unscrambled: Sob Moron

Player: IF Daniel Lamb-Hunt

ERMAHGERD Translation: DERNERL LERMB-HERNT

CFB Name: Daniella Munt

Name Unscrambled: Nailed Blam-Hut

***

COUNTRY: Nicaragua

Player: RHP Uber Paz

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERBER PERZ

CFB Name: You Burp As

Name Unscrambled: Rub Zap

Player: IF Ofilio Castro

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERFERLER CERSTR

CFB Name: Awful Leo Cats Row

Name Unscrambled: Fool Tacos

Player: IF Cheslor Cuthbert

ERMAHGERD Translation: CHERSLER CERTHBERT

CFB Name: Chest Lork Us Bert

Name Unscrambled: Horse Butcher

***

Happy 33rd Birthday Dan Uggla !

Mar11 by Jordan Shusterman

Atlanta #BARVES second baseman Dan Uggla turns 33 today. He is the only second baseman ever to hit at least 3o home runs in five consecutive seasons, and HIS NAME IS DAN UGGLA.

Uggla is one of my personal favorite players, combining below-average defense, gargantuan chaw, and youth sized jerseys to create a consistent dose of baseball awesomeness. Here are some of my favorite pictures of Dan Uggla:

Here is a .gif of Dan Uggla drying his hair:

Happy Birthday, Dan.

PART 3: The Best of International Baseball Nomenclature

Mar18 by Jordan Shusterman

Click here for Part 2.

***

COUNTRY: Panama

No available image online (he probably doesn’t exist)

Player: RHP Euclides Bethancour

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERCLERDERS BERTHERNCER

CFB Name: Youk Lids Beth Anchor

Name Unscrambled: Seduce Centaur

Player: IF Ashley Ponce

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERSHLER PERNC

CFB Name: A Sheep Once

Name Unscrambled: Leash Cone

Player: OF Jahdiel Santamaria

ERMAHGERD Translation: JERDERL SERNTERMAHRER

CFB Name: Chawed Hell Santa Mario

Name Unscrambled: Jailed Samaritan

***

COUNTRY: The Philippines

Player: IF Leighton Pangilinan

ERMAHGERD Translation: LERGHTERN PINERLERNERN

CFB Name: Late On Pan Jillian

Name Unscrambled: Thong Planning

Player: OF Saxon Omandac

ERMAHGERD Translation: SERXERN ERMAHNDERC

CFB Name: Sex On On My Dick

Name Unscrambled: Ox Nomad

Player: OF Jonash Ponce

ERMAHGERD Translation: JERNERSH PERNC

CFB Name: Joe Nash Ponds

Name Unscrambled: Johns ? Nope

***

COUNTRY: South Africa

Player: IF Gift Ngoepe

ERMAHGERD Translation: GERFT NGERP

CFB Name: .gif Nick Opi

Name Unscrambled: Fig Pong

Player: OF Alessio Angelucci

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERLERSER INERLERC

CFB Name: Alex Theo An Gel Deucy

Name Unscrambled: Seals Angelic

Player: OF Faizel Moosa

ERMAHGERD Translation: FERZERL MAHS

CFB Name: Fay Sell Moose Ah

Name Unscrambled: Fail Moo

***

COUNTRY: Thailand (if you actually expected pictures…you’re crazy. Here’s proof we’re not making these up).

Player: IF Jittipong Chong-On

ERMAHGERD Translation: JERTERPIN CHINERN

CFB Name: Titty Pong Thong On

Name Unscrambled: Tiptoing Congo

Player: IF Paramutt Meepakdee

ERMAHGERD Translation: PERERMAHT MAHPERKDER

CFB Name: Pair A Mutt Me Pack D

Name Unscrambled: Trauma Peaked

Player: IF Sanyalak Pitpatpinyo

ERMAHGERD Translation: SERNERLERK PERTPERTPERNER

CFB Name: Sand Ya’ll Yak Pit Pat Pin Yo

Name Unscrambled: Alaska Pinto

***

Baseball From the Holy Land

Mar15 by jakemintz

Israel is famous for many things. Hills, history, hummus, horrible drivers; the list goes on and on. Its past is littered with fascinating events that have helped shape human history. Israel has a lot to offer to a nice young Jewish boy like myself. It’s too bad baseball is not one of them.

I’m in this country for 3 months. Opening day will come and go without me. Some bad team will get off to a hot start and I won’t particularly care. Someone will do something insane with a glove or a bat or a microphone and it will fly right by my eyes.

Do I miss it? Of course. Do I wish I could sit on my couch and watch MLB Network until my brain turns to soup? Yes. But there’s nothing I can do now except watch highlights on my laptop while my roommates snore next to me.

Only now, after being forcefully divorced from baseball, have I come to realize just how much I love it. As I tour this beautiful country and soak in its natural beauty, baseball still dominates my mind. “Check out that hill” someone will say. “Will Aaron Hill be able to repeat his absurd 2012?” is what my mind wanders to. Today I learned about the father of modern Kabbalah, Rabbi Isaac Loria. Did anyone in the room know who Jeffrey Loria is? Probably not. But I giggled to myself anyway.

I’ll fly home on May 21st having had a life-changing experience. It’s comforting to know that when I return, baseball will be there with opens arms waiting to accept my sorry ass back.

Happy 32nd Birthday Bobby Jenks !

Mar15 by Jordan Shusterman

Yesterday, Pi Day, was free agent relief pitcher Bobby Jenks’ 32nd birthday. I don’t have very much to say because he’s fat and probably won’t pitch again in the majors, but I wanna celebrate anyway. Also, I’ll never forget his dominance in the 2005 World Series.

Here are some of my favorite pictures of Bobby Jenks:

Here is a .gif of Bobby Jenks doing a PSA about children’s safety:

Happy 27th Birthday Dexter Fowler !

Mar22 by Jordan Shusterman

Today is CLOLorado Rockies CF Dexter Fowler’s 27th birthday. He is my favorite player. Let’s celebrate.

Fowler is a switch hitting outfielder with plenty of range and a whole lot of offensive potential. He walks a lot, strikes out a lot, and has a decently attractive wife. He’s also one of the more interesting players in baseball to watch off the field. This has been a very limited scouting report on Dexter Fowler. More importantly, here are some of my favorite pictures of Dexter Fowler:

Here are .gifs of Dexter Fowler doing the Cat Daddy and the Dougie:

2013 Season Preview: Washington Nationals

Apr2 by Jordan Shusterman

What’s C.C. Sabathia Doing In Such Fancy Garb?

PROJECTED LINEUP:

CF Dean Hard Spin
RF Jason Worth
LF Bries Sharper
3B Rains Him Or Man
1B Aid Him Lare Osh
SS E.N. Ez Mon
2B Dan E. Spinoza
C Curts Hues Yuki

PROJECTED ROTATION:

Steve And Straws Brrrr
Joe Gun Souls
Chore Dance Hummer Man
Danaran
Rocks Debt Wilder

CLOSER: Raft I.L. Sorry Ann O

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Oh hey, Denard Span.

Wait, holy crap, this team’s good.

The Phillies are sad.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Danny Espinosa

Aside from looking like Fat Drake, Espinosa spends most of his time swinging and consequentially missing at baseballs. You just wish someone would let him know that while the bench does provide the most amenities available, he is indeed paid to get to first, second, third base, etc.

***

State of the Farm:

Professor Parks put it best in this tweet. The injury risks are plentiful and worrisome. But the talent is there, with third baseman Anthony Rendon and his Rice University education leading this crop. Rendon is another rare prospect with a plus-plus projection on his hit tool, but his ankle as about as fragile as Chris Sale doing anything ever. Born in 1994, right-hander Lucas Giolito was the top talent headed into the 2013 draft before getting injured late in his senior season. He got the Tommy John outta the way towards the end of last season, and should return for the 2014 season. He touched triple digits regularly before the injury, and ZOMG HIS CURVEBALL. Brian Goodwin is an intriguing outfielder and right-hander Nathan Karns, despite this facial hair and already being 26, has a potent fastball/curveball combo that should reach the big leagues this year. And oh by the way, that Bryce Harper dude is significantly younger than everyone in Washington’s Top 10 besides Giolito. So there’s that.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

RHP Inocencio Heredia
C Austin Chubb
C Spencer Kieboom
DH Yermin Mercedes
3B Khayyan Norfork
3B Younaifred Aguero
3B Diomedes Eusebio
OF Will Piwnica-Worms
OF Algenis Ramirez
OF Armando Echenique

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Lucas Giolito’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

Denard Span tests positive for an banned #natitude performance enhancer and is suspended for 3 weeks.
Jayson Werth’s title as most homeless-looking National is challenged by Rabbi Harper.
Fan attendance drops after the new Racing President, Taft, dies in June from diabetes.
The Nats win a lot of baseball games, the NL East, and a seat in congress.

CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE

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