Author Archives: Jordan Shusterman

Happy 27th Birthday Dexter Fowler !

by Jordan Shusterman

Today is CLOLorado Rockies CF Dexter Fowler’s 27th birthday. He is my favorite player. Let’s celebrate.

Fowler is a switch hitting outfielder with plenty of range and a whole lot of offensive potential. He walks a lot, strikes out a lot, and has a decently attractive wife.  He’s also one of the more interesting players in baseball to watch off the field. This has been a very limited scouting report on Dexter Fowler. More importantly, here are some of my favorite pictures of Dexter Fowler:

Here are .gifs of Dexter Fowler doing the Cat Daddy and the Dougie:

PART 3: The Best of International Baseball Nomenclature

by Jordan Shusterman

Click here for Part 2.

***

COUNTRY: Panama

No available image online (he probably doesn’t exist)

Player: RHP Euclides Bethancour

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERCLERDERS BERTHERNCER

CFB Name: Youk Lids Beth Anchor

Name Unscrambled: Seduce Centaur

Player: IF Ashley Ponce

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERSHLER PERNC

CFB Name: A Sheep Once

Name Unscrambled: Leash Cone

Player: OF Jahdiel Santamaria

ERMAHGERD Translation: JERDERL SERNTERMAHRER

CFB Name: Chawed Hell Santa Mario

Name Unscrambled: Jailed Samaritan

***

COUNTRY: The Philippines

Player: IF Leighton Pangilinan

ERMAHGERD Translation: LERGHTERN PINERLERNERN

CFB Name: Late On Pan Jillian

Name Unscrambled: Thong Planning

Player: OF Saxon Omandac

ERMAHGERD Translation: SERXERN ERMAHNDERC

CFB Name: Sex On On My Dick

Name Unscrambled: Ox Nomad

Player: OF Jonash Ponce

ERMAHGERD Translation: JERNERSH PERNC

CFB Name: Joe Nash Ponds

Name Unscrambled: Johns ? Nope

***

COUNTRY: South Africa

Player: IF Gift Ngoepe

ERMAHGERD Translation: GERFT NGERP

CFB Name: .gif Nick Opi

Name Unscrambled: Fig Pong

alessio

Player: OF Alessio Angelucci

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERLERSER INERLERC

CFB Name: Alex Theo An Gel Deucy

Name Unscrambled: Seals Angelic

Player: OF Faizel Moosa

ERMAHGERD Translation: FERZERL MAHS

CFB Name: Fay Sell Moose Ah

Name Unscrambled: Fail Moo

***

COUNTRY: Thailand (if you actually expected pictures…you’re crazy. Here’s proof we’re not making these up).

Player: IF Jittipong Chong-On

ERMAHGERD Translation: JERTERPIN CHINERN

CFB Name: Titty Pong Thong On

Name Unscrambled: Tiptoing Congo

Player: IF Paramutt Meepakdee

ERMAHGERD Translation: PERERMAHT MAHPERKDER

CFB Name: Pair A Mutt Me Pack D

Name Unscrambled: Trauma Peaked

Player: IF Sanyalak Pitpatpinyo

ERMAHGERD Translation: SERNERLERK PERTPERTPERNER

CFB Name: Sand Ya’ll Yak Pit Pat Pin Yo

Name Unscrambled: Alaska Pinto

***

Happy 32nd Birthday Bobby Jenks !

by Jordan Shusterman

Yesterday, Pi Day, was free agent relief pitcher Bobby Jenks’ 32nd birthday. I don’t have very much to say because he’s fat and probably won’t pitch again in the majors, but I wanna celebrate anyway. Also,  I’ll never forget his dominance in the 2005 World Series.

Here are some of my favorite pictures of Bobby Jenks:

Here is a .gif of Bobby Jenks doing a PSA about children’s safety:

PART 2: The Best of International Baseball Nomenclature

by Jordan Shusterman

Click here for Part 1.

***

COUNTRY: Great Britain

estevenson

Player: RHP Estevenson Encarnacion

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERSTERVERNSERN ERNCERNERCERN

CFB Name: Teste Van Zone Acorn A Scion

Name Unscrambled: Oneness Cocaine

Player: IF Aeden McQuery

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERDERN MCQERER

CFB Name: Aiding McKiwi

Name Unscrambled: Dean Mercy

Player: OF Bradley Marcelino

ERMAHGERD Translation: BRERDLER MAHRCERLERN

CFB Name: Bread Lemur Ceiling O’

Name Unscrambled: Dryable Cornmeal

***

COUNTRY: Israel

Player: RHP Shlomo Lipetz

ERMAHGERD Translation: SHLERM LERPERTZ

CFB Name: Slow Mole Lip Pets

Name Unscrambled: Homo Pile

Player: C Nick Rickles

ERMAHGERD Translation: NERCK RERCKLERS

CFB Name: Nig Riggles

Name Unscrambled: Ink Lickers

Player: OF Robbie Widlansky

ERMAHGERD Translation: RERBER WERDLERNSKER

CFB Name: Row Bee Wide Land Ski

Name Unscrambled: Bribe Swankily

***

COUNTRY: New Zealand

Player: C Beau Bishop

ERMAHGERD Translation: BER BERSHERP

CFB Name: Bob I Shop

Name Unscrambled: Be Posh

Player: IF Boss Moanaroa

ERMAHGERD Translation: BERS MAHNERER

CFB Name: Bozemon Arrow

Name Unscrambled: Sob Moron

Player: IF Daniel Lamb-Hunt

ERMAHGERD Translation: DERNERL LERMB-HERNT

CFB Name: Daniella Munt

Name Unscrambled: Nailed Blam-Hut

***

COUNTRY: Nicaragua

uber paz

Player: RHP Uber Paz

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERBER PERZ

CFB Name: You Burp As

Name Unscrambled: Rub Zap

Player: IF Ofilio Castro

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERFERLER CERSTR

CFB Name: Awful Leo Cats Row

Name Unscrambled: Fool Tacos

Player: IF Cheslor Cuthbert

ERMAHGERD Translation: CHERSLER CERTHBERT

CFB Name: Chest Lork Us Bert

Name Unscrambled: Horse Butcher

***

Happy 33rd Birthday Dan Uggla !

by Jordan Shusterman

Atlanta #BARVES second baseman Dan Uggla turns 33 today. He is the only second baseman ever to hit at least 3o home runs in five consecutive seasons, and HIS NAME IS DAN UGGLA.

Uggla is one of my personal favorite players, combining below-average defense, gargantuan chaw, and youth sized jerseys to create a consistent dose of baseball awesomeness. Here are some of my favorite pictures of Dan Uggla:

Here is a .gif of Dan Uggla drying his hair:

Happy Birthday, Dan.

PART 1: The Best of International Baseball Nomenclature

by Jordan Shusterman

If you couldn’t already tell, we love names here at Cespedes Family Barbecue. They’re fun, fascinating and provide us with far more material than you could ever imagine. When the rosters for this year’s World Baseball Classic were released, it was obvious we were gonna see some awesome names from around the globe. We were not disappointed. This six part series will take a look at the best of the best of the best. And no, we aren’t making any of these up. Enjoy !

***

COUNTRY: Colombia

Player: IF Iggy Suarez

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERGER SERERZ

CFB Name: Eh, Geese War Is

Name Unscrambled: Gig Arse

Player: IF Giovanny Urshela

ERMAHGERD Translation: GERVERNER ERSHERL

CFB Name: Gio Van Knee Hershey La

Name Unscrambled: Agony Haulers

Player: OF Steve Brown

ERMAHGERD Translation: STERV BRERN

CFB Name: Steve Brown

Name Unscrambled: Vest Born

***

COUNTRY: Czech Republic

Player: RHP Boris Bokaj

ERMAHGERD Translation: BERERS BERKERJ

CFB Name: Bores Bo Cage

Name Unscrambled: Ribs Job

Player: OF Martin Drong

ERMAHGERD Translation: MAHRTERN DRIN

CFB Name: Mar Tender Wrong

Name Unscrambled: Train Dong

Player: IF Petr Cech

ERMAHGERD Translation: PERTR CERCH

CFB Name: Pee Turdcheck

Name Unscrambled: Pet He

***

COUNTRY: France

Player: RHP Leonel Cespedes (I mean come on, obviously)

ERMAHGERD Translation: LERNERL CERSPERDERS

CFB Name: Lee Own Else Speed Is

Name Unscrambled: Lone Secedes

Player: RHP Eloi Secleppe

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERLER SERCLERP

CFB Name: L. Wah Sea Clap Ay

Name Unscrambled: Oil Peels

Player: IF Florian Peyrichou

ERMAHGERD Translation: FLERERN PERERCHER

CFB Name: Flo Rida Pikachu

Name Unscrambled: Final Euphoric

***

COUNTRY: Germany

Player: LHP Enorbel Marquez

ERMAHGERD Translation: ERNERBERL MAHRQERZ

CFB Name: E. Normal Mark Is

Name Unscrambled: Noble Azure

Player: IF Maximilian Boldt

ERMAHGERD Translation: MAHXERMAHLERN BERLDT

CFB Name: Maximal Ian Bolt

Name Unscrambled: Mailman Old

Player: IF Jendrick Speer

ERMAHGERD Translation: JERNDRERCK SPER

CFB Name: Gender Ick Sphere

Name Unscrambled: Inked Pees

***

Walk-Up Music, Part 5: The NL Central

by Jordan Shusterman

While there are a seemingly unlimited number of ways to experience the game of baseball through social media from the comfort of your own home, there are a few things that you can only truly get by attending a game. One of these, is the walk-up music chosen by the players of the home team. I’ve recently been exposed to the fact that many of the walk-up songs for specific players are available online on each team’s respective site. This is fantastic news for those of us who aren’t so lucky as to visit every MLB park and hear each player’s music. Here at CFB I’m gonna take a look at some of the highlights of this rather awful collection of music that MLB players have decided represent them/pump them up/introduce them best.

(You can find the collection of music by going to a team’s website and looking under the “FANS” tab for a section called “Ballpark Music” or something similar to it.)

Chicago Cubs:

cubs team.

Unlike some of the teams that don’t even bother to put their music up at all, the Cubs have decided to list these three players and these three players only. Two of them are recent acquisitions. Anthony Recker was recently designated for assignment and was claimed by the Mets. I understand the Cubs want to keep their century long traditions and old-time feel for both their ballpark and their team, but Theo should probably get this shit together so we can know once and for all what Luis Valbuena‘s walk-up music is.

Cincinnati Reds:

todd frazier

The name Todd Frazier alone sounds like some guy from Sinatra’s time, but the fact that he needed two different Sinatra songs, both of which include flying in it, has to make me question how old he really is and if he is actually from this time period. You also have to wonder what percentage of his teammates have even heard of Mr. Sinatra. For example,

manny burriss

How in the world Manny Burriss earned himself four different walk-up songs, I have no clue. But it’s the reality, and I love it. Favorite Burriss stat: He hasn’t hit a ball over an outfielder’s head in the majors since May 2009. Couldn’t possibly make that up.

shin soo choo

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes and yes. Duh.

Milwaukee Brewers:

aoki

I’m gonna assume this is the first song Aoki heard in the Milwaukee airport when he arrived from Japan in early 2012. This is unfortunate, as Aoki seems like the type to choose something a bit weirder. On the other hand, “Right Round” could be referring to Aoki after this swing.

gorzelanny

Chalk another one up in the “well duh” category. It’s such an innocent yet quietly tortured face… “There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door/ I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”… aw Tom Gorzelenny :(

fiers

This is the Theme From “Saw”. Fiers clearly does not care at all for the young children just wanting to attend a nice baseball game with their ol’ man or come to see Ryan Braun play. He wants to Scare The Shit Out Of You. And then he throws his fastball at 87 MPH and all fear instilled by this haunting music is flushed right down the toilet. Nice try, Michael Fiers. It takes more than out-of-place music from horror movies to intimidate batters.

Pittsburgh Pirates:

josh harrison

I’m like 74% sure that all three of these songs, which are strangely listed without an artist, are just some not-so-elaborate attempt to promote Harrison’s secret side life as an aspiring rapper. I’m assuming this is because he realized he has close to no shot to start on this team any time soon. I respect it.

gaby sanchez

This was Bubba Sparxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx’s first hit song before dropping to the lyrical standards of “booty booty booty booty”. I’m not entirely sure what this says about Gaby Sanchez’ taste in music, other than that he probably just wants you to know he likes Bubba Sparxxx for something other than Ms. New Booty. Sounds like insecurity to me.

travis snider

Brief scouting report from when Snider was a nineTEEN year old in Low-A. “Snider is one of the top hitting prospects in baseball. He has a very patient approach, plus power to all fields, and hits lefties and righties with equal effectiveness–projecting for legitimate MVP-level numbers down the road. He’s a hard worker with great makeup who has survived personal adversity and appreciates where he is.” All of the sadface :(

St. Louis Cardinals:

adron chambers

You Better Believe It, This Is The Life that Adron Chambers always dreamed of. Perennial fifth outfielder in probably the best organization in baseball. Enjoy it, Adron Chambers. His name sounds like a place someone would put toxic materials. “This looks awfully dangerous Professor…” “There’s only one safe place we can put that substance…in the Adron Chambers.”

jason motte

Jason Motte actually eats Brain Stew every morning when he’s done digesting his Fibula Soup. Seriously.

steven hill

I like to think I know a lot of players…but I’m pretty sure this average mid-western guy just showed up at Cardinals photo day and lied to the right people. Here is the first verse of “Got My Country On”, to help prove my theory:

“I worked all week to make me some money,
Bring it back to mama bet she’d give me some honey, yeah
Cashed my check got a pocket of dollars
Loosenin’ the buttons on my blue-collar, yeah.”

Yeah. No way this guy is a professional baseball player.

Part 4: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

by Jordan Shusterman

This is what baseball is like in Japan.

Part 1.

Part 2.

Part 3.

MARK AND MR. ROGERS

Not gonna lie, I don’t know very much about Brewers pitcher Mark Rogers other than that he tested positive twice for DRUGZ and was suspended for 25 games in 2011. Wikipedia also tells me he was drafted 5th overall in 2004, one pick after the beautiful Jeff Niemann. It’s hard to imagine anyone even distantly related to the unbearably nice Mr. Rogers breaking any sort of rule in any situation, so I’m gonna put this one pretty low.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 12%

STARLIN AND FIDEL CASTRO

While Starlin remains incredibly young and most likely unable to grow the type of facial hair that Fidel possesses, there are definite similarities here. It’s no coincidence that that helmet that Starlin wears every year has the letter C on it (this is a reference to the word/name Cuba, which happens to be Fidel’s area of expertise (you have to really dig deep to see this stuff)). Fidel is/was not one to care about what is/was going on in the world around him, much like our favorite Chicago “shortstop” in this little sequence of events. It’s far from certain, but I’m liking this match.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 32%

IAN AND MARTHA STEWART

If we’re judging this based on their arm-crossing techniques, there’s a legitimate chance that these two are long lost twins. Unfortunately, there are other factors in play. Also many would notice that the fingers on Martha’s left hand rest slightly on her right bicep. Ian wouldn’t stand for that shit, because he needs to hide his glove. While Martha has struggled to stay out of legal trouble, she’s climbed her way back to a personal net worth of an astounding $638 MILLION. This number is suspiciously close to Ian’s OPS from last year for the dreadful Cubs: .633. Did you know Martha Stewart used to babysit for Mickey Mantle’s kids? BASEBALL CONNECTION MAKES ALL OTHER POINTS INVALID.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 61%

Part 3: ARE THEY RELATED ?!?!?!?!?!?!?

by Jordan Shusterman

Roy Oswalt says hello.

Part 1.

Part 2.

A.J. AND PETER GRIFFIN

Extremely similar body types, both wear glasses, and I think we can safely assume Peter would wear number 64 if he played baseball. One might point out that Peter is a fictional character, making it impossible to truly relate him to the young Oakland starter with the nasty curveball. In this case, I think there are enough uncanny similarities to at least wonder if their parents are second cousins or something. I’m open to being convinced otherwise.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 47%

TYRELL AND LEEROY JENKINS

I like a good challenge. Here we have the high-ceiling Cardinals pitching prospect whose Twitter handle is @BrothaJenkins, and arguably the most famous character in video game history. If you haven’t seen the video, just click on LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY’s name above. Sure, Tyrell can spin a pretty sick breaking ball. But could he do what Leeroy did in that legendary moment of WoW? Probably not. That takes a special kind of blood that I’m not sure Tyrell has proved he has yet. The potential is there, but I’m not buying it yet.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 16%

BRAUN RAZORS, EVA BRAUN AND RYAN BRAUN

A brand of inanimate objects, the former wife of Adolf Hitler, and one of the best players in baseball who happens to be a Jew.

% CHANCE THEY’RE RELATED: 1000000%

Kelly Vs. Avril: The Showdown You’ve All Been Waiting For

by Jordan Shusterman

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal…”

Stop right there, Thomas Jefferson.

There’s Kelly Clarkson and Avril Lavigne, and then there’s the rest of humanity.

It’s an undeniable hierarchy that has slowly made its way to the core of the friendship between CFB founders Jordan Shusterman and Jake Mintz. Two unbelievable female vocal sensations, forever linked by the intense bond of both having happened to have their careers take off in the year 2002. Their musical styles aren’t even that similar but who even cares because this is a big deal and you should pay attention to it. We are both in complete acceptance that each other’s favorite is an amazing musician/strong independent woman/human being/representative of Earth. However, we would like to take the time to try and convince you, the reader, which one is better.

Jake is a devoted Kelly Clarkson enthusiast; when he’s not spamming the news feeds of innocent facebookers with his not-so-subtle Spotify endeavors, you can probably find him belting “The Trouble With Love Is” in his adorable little red Accord. His workout playlist consists of Kelly and Kelly only, and he has no shame in admitting that. It’s a complex obsession that is genuine and full of #want.

Jordan has always proclaimed his love for Avril, often citing her incredible peak as one of the many reasons for such intense interest in her musical works of art. Recently spotted faintly singing the greatest hits from Avril’s legendary debut album “Let Go” at 4 AM at a New Year’s party, Jordan is always happy to spread Avril fever to anyone and everyone in his vicinity (or in that case, those who were still awake).

That’s just some background. This is only the beginning. What follows is an in-depth look at what this completely made-up rivalry truly consists of.

***************************************************************************************************************

We will present our own case, as well as provide .gifs because this is the internet and what is an article without .gifs? Let’s start with some simple comparisons.

FULL NAME:

Kelly: Kelly Brianne Clarkson

Avril: Avril Ramona Lavigne

BIRTHDAY/AGE:

Kelly: April 24th, 1982. 30 years old.

Avril: September 27th, 1984. 28 years old.

BIRTHPLACE: 

Kelly: Fort Worth, Texas, THESE United States of America

Avril: Belleville, Ontario, OHHHHHHHHH Canada

IS SHE TALLER THAN JOSE ALTUVE?

Kelly: Yeah, not even close.

Avril: Probably.

DOES SHE WEIGH MORE THAN DEE GORDON?

Kelly: Almost definitely

Avril: Maybe

MOST FLATTERING .GIFS:

Kelly:

Avril:

LEAST FLATTERING .GIF:

Kelly:

Avril:

APPROXIMATE NUMBER OF GOOGLE SEARCH RESULTS:

Kelly: 99.2 million results

Avril: 89.8 million results

APPROXIMATE NUMBER OF YOUTUBE SEARCH RESULTS:

Kelly: 299,000 results

Avril: 404,000 results

NUMBER OF VEVO SUBSCRIBERS (AS OF 2/20/13):

Kelly: 389,706 subscribers

Avril: 1,394,477 subscribers

NUMBER OF VEVO VIEWS (AS OF 2/20/13):

Kelly: 350,413,018 views

Avril: 965,509,524 views

WIKIPEDIA WORD COUNT:

Kelly: 5910 words

Avril: 7239 words

NUMBER OF WIKIPEDIA CITATIONS:

Kelly: 120 citations

Avril: 175 citations

PANDORA RADIO BIOGRAPHY WORD COUNT:

Kelly: 743 words

Avril: 71o words

NUMBER OF ALBUMS:

Kelly: 5

Avril: 4

NUMBER OF SINGLES:

Kelly: 25

Avril: 17

NUMBER OF MUSIC VIDEOS:

Kelly: 24

Avril: 20

MOST RIDICULOUS LYRIC:

Kelly:

“And I may not be Einstein but I know,
Dumb plus dumb equals you.
Dumb plus dumb equals you.”

~ “Einstein (2011)”

Avril:

“I hate it when a guy doesn’t understand,
Why a certain time of month, I don’t wanna hold his hand.”

~ “The Best Damn Thing (2007)”

MOST ABSURD .GIF:

Kelly:

Avril:

CLAIM TO FAME:

Kelly: Winning the first season of American Idol

Avril: Being a rebellious 17 year old who wrote a song about things being complicated

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

Kelly: Engaged to Brandon Blackstock (Stepson of Reba McEntire)

Avril: Engaged to Chad Kroeger (Lead singer of Nickelback)

PAST RELATIONSHIPS:

Kelly: None that are known of publicly.

Avril: 2006-2009: Married to Deryck Whibley, lead singer and guitarist of the band Sum 41 (questionable Y in the first name; probably distantly related to Jayson and Laynce Nix). Dated professional celebrity Brody Jenner from 2010 to early 2012.

WAS SHE ON “SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH”?

Kelly: Yes, as an extra in one scene. You can see her walk by in the .gif below. Watch closely.

Avril: Yes, as herself. She performed “Sk8er Boi”.

GOOGLE IMAGE RESULTS WHEN ADDING THE WORD “BASEBALL”:

  

We’ve already covered Avril’s first pitch endeavors, but what’s striking here are the two teams represented. The Rangers and the Blue Jays were reportedly the finalists for one special Japanese pitcher by the name of  YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU (Crank that Soulja Boy) Darvish. It’s evidenced by this MLBTradeRumors update from 12/11/11. While the Rangers eventually ended up with Darvish, it’s clear that this rivalry has taken itself far beyond the world of CFB. It’s real, people.

What does Yu think of all this?

“baseball very good”

Ooooooooooooooooooooookay then. Moving on.

BASEBALL PLAYER WHOSE NAME IS MOST SIMILAR:

Kelly: Dad (?!?!) Clarkson, RHP for the 1891 New York Giants

Avril: Art LaVigne, C/1B for the 1914 Buffalo Buffeds

FAVORITE CEREAL:

Kelly: Cocoa Puffs

Avril: Cocoa Pebbles

LEAST FAVORITE COUNTY IN WYOMING:

Kelly: Washakie County (Population: 8,289)

Avril: Niobrara County (Population: 2,407)

THE TOOLS: 

Kelly: 8 Raw Vocals, 4 Weight Control, 4 Hair, 6 Depression, + Durability

Avril: 5 Raw Vocals, 8 Sadness, 8 Depression, 7 Hair, Maturity an Issue

IS SHE LIKELY TO READ THIS?

Kelly: No

Avril: No

MAJOR LEAGUE ETA: 

Kelly: Never

Avril: Never

***************************************************************************************************************

CONCLUSION

Jake (Kelly): Kelly Clarkson has lived a life. She rose to the top of the music world only to fall back into the abyss only to climb back out of said abyss back to the top. Her voice has cured disease, put gang wars on hold, and raised both the roof and the debt ceiling. Avril’s best songs (Sk8r Boi, Complicated, and I’m With You) are very good. Kelly has at least 10 songs in that same echelon of loveliness. (Breakaway, Since U Been Gone, Behind These Hazel Eyes, Because of You, Walk Away, Mrs. Independent, A Moment Like This, Stronger, The Trouble With Love Is, and Catch My Breath)

Let me leave you with one last point. If you google “Kelly Clarkson America” you will get this as the top video result. If you were to click on that video you would watch a simple farm girl from Oklahoma turn the Presidential Inauguration into her own personal reclamation concert. Imagine Avril trying to command that moment. She’d wilt like a flower. Those 3 minutes and 16 seconds exemplify what Kelly Clarkson is all about: stage presence, untouchable vocal talent, and pure grace.

Jordan (Avril): It’s incredibly difficult to dispute Kelly’s accolades and accomplishments, so I’m gonna avoid blatantly bashing one of our generation’s more talented musical superstars. However, what Kelly lacks is the true cult following that Avril developed in the early stages of her momentous career. It was a lifestyle that defined a generation of angsty teenage girls that just wanted to wear a tie, break something, or attempt to ride a skateboard. So why, do you ask, am I, a male high school senior, so committed to Avril being superior? It’s about the peak. It’s about her debut album “Let Go” which was released when she was SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD, selling over 16 million copies. It’s about the range of moods that Avril so beautifully expresses through anthems such as “Sk8er Boi” and “Girlfriend”.

“You know that I’m a crazy bitch/ I do what I want when I feel like it”, Avril proclaims in the beginning of her smash hit 2011 single “Smile”. It’s true. She does do what she wants when she feels like it. And sometimes, she feels like writing something a little more serious; a heartbreaking masterpiece entitled “When You’re Gone”. You go watch that music video and try and tell me that all Avril cares about is fucking shit up and “going on a million dates”. The amount of emotions that Avril’s music pulls out of any casual listener is unmatched.

Kelly Clarkson is an amazing singer. Her most successful song, “Breakaway”, is a must-listen for me for pretty much any occasion. Oh, what’s that ? IT WAS WRITTEN BY AVRIL LAVIGNE ?! I rest my case.

***************************************************************************************************************

SO…WHO WINS?

We all do.

The human race has been blessed with these two unbearably fantastic singers. It’s the debate that keeps their legends alive. Make your voice heard. Ask yourself daily: Kelly or Avril? The American Idol sensation whose vocals have carried her to great heights for over a decade? Or the Canadian icon who once beat up a guy in a hot dog costume?

You know the right choice.

#CFB